... or so the ultrasound would have you believe!

Yes indeed, I am thrilled to report that all looked good and the OB's office actually had an ultrasound machine on site to confirm dating. The baby was measuring about ten weeks and a few days, and my calculations had me right at ten weeks, so all was spot on. The heartbeat was 184, which is quite fast, especially compared to Callie and Lilah who both had heartrates in the 130-140 range at this age. I do believe this made it more real for my husband, at least, when he actually saw the baby wiggling around in a pre-birth imitation of 'the potty dance', and it was a great visit.

I will be going for a genetic screening in two weeks which will entail bloodwork and an ultrasound, and then my next appointment isn't for a month. I am just HIGHLY relieved that the baby was healthy, growing, and that there was only ONE! *whew*

The ANP I visited with was NOT a fan of me losing weight during the pregnancy and wanted to see me gain a bit instead, I just nodded and smiled with the full intention of doing what I was planning from the start. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. But I can be full AND healthy on around 2000 calories of bulky, fibrous food and protein. As long as my body isn't demanding more, I will keep right on doing what I am doing. I will also run my plan by the actual OB at my next appointment and see if his opinion differs.

Either way, all went well. Blood pressure was 179/20, I think, and my weight on THEIR scale was 215.0 (eek!) but I know that was food, clothes, and a difference in measuring instruments. I will have to go get stabbed for my general prenatal panel blood work offsite, as they do not have their own lab, and I plan on doing that the day I am next in the area (my ultrasound in two weeks).

On an aside, I am happy to report that today has been a HIGHLY productive day of sorting through the piles of junk and baby clothes in our spare bedroom and space-bagging things to condense, as well as reorganizing and throwing out piles of trash. We just keep shifting boxes and loose bits from room to room while we remodel and the mess has about driven me NUTS. Organizing today, scrubbing and vacuuming tomorrow, if all goes according to plan.

Wish me luck and have a great week, all!

Well this morning finds me a happy gal, at 211.6! That is right about my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am happy to see my dedication to NOT overdoing it is paying off and my digestive system is moving again.

I did fail mightily on exercise this past week but for a good reason - I had that head cold, right? Well it morphed into a severe upper sinus infection and the worst migraine I have had in years. Three days of intense throbbing, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, and motion issues. What's worse, nothing would TOUCH the pain. I finally went into an urgent care center yesterday and was prescribed antibiotics to combat the bacterial sinusitis, but he couldn't give me anything for my head other than to tell me to persist in taking tylenol as directed. Unfortunately I'd been doing that for days with no abatement of pain.

Thankfully this morning I am feeling a bit better. My sinuses still hurt but sometime in the middle of last night my migraine went away.

Today is my first OB appointment, wish me luck! I am really hoping they'll let me see the baby to verify the health (and number) of the occupant(s?), but I am not holding my breath. I will ask for a referral for me and DH to pay out of pocket for an earlier scan if the 20 week is the only one offered. I am happy to be going in there with my weight down and health reasonably up, and can only hope this positive trend continues. I am MUCH less anxious for this appointment, having heard the heartbeat already over the doppler, but it will be nice to be 'formally' pregnant with regular checks now, instead of just hanging around at home with a bunch of peesticks, having the whole thing feel slightly surreal.

I do hope to get back to more exercising this week and continue my weight loss efforts, and am interested to hear what the nurse has to say about how I should be eating. Having lost weight through two other pregnancies and had exceptionally healthy babies I *may* take her advice with a grain of salt if it contradicts what I know works well for me, but I am interested to hear her opinion nonetheless. There's something very gratifying about having medical staff constantly expecting 'fat girl' complications out of you, and then having them eat their words when your body and pregnancy and healthier than many of their skinny patients.

MWAHAHAHAHAAA! Evil of me, I know, but if everyone is going to assume I am obese and unhealthy, I must get my kicks where I can. I think Dr. Bell's charts from Lilah's birth had my weight at the time (around 270, at 39 weeks pregnant), so I eagerly waiting to see if anything is mentioned about my loss.

Anyway, another week goes by, and as always there is progress and pitfalls, but I remain dedicated regardless of the circumstance. I will confess to having a TON of anxiety about my eating on this upcoming trip for two weeks in April, as I have worked SO hard to get back down, but it is in the Lord's hands and I will just try and make the best choices I can, given the circumstances surrounding our eating on the trip.

I'll check in later this afternoon if anything interesting arises from this appointment, and other than that I'll see you folks later this week!

... on so many counts!

Well unfortunately my nausea and food aversions are back full swing, and it's pretty miserable.

Then there was the scale this morning, that registered 212.0 despite having eaten the same yesterday as every other day this week, and being fairly well hydrated.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my children are actively trying to shorten their lifespans by throwing crazy tantrums at the drop of a hat during the day and into the evening? Yeah, they must not have gotten the memo that mommy's patience is on the short side these days.

Either way, all's well that end's well. The scale was down, I am able to eat healthfully most of the day, with the exception of meat. My kids are healthy and happy when they're not fighting over toys. This week is almost over.

Yeah, it's one of *those* days.

See you Monday for another weigh-in, I hope the low trend will persist but I am not holding my breath!

Well, this has been a frustrating week, weight-wise, and I am still definitely struggling with trying to come to peace with the fact that my body WILL be gaining no matter what I do, short of a very serious diet effort (which am not willing to undertake while pregnant - I'll accept weight loss, but only if it involves eating healthy food in satisfying quantities... no deprivation while trying to grow a person!).

The scale has been ads high as 216 and as low as 213.6... the lower end is still on the high side for how much weight I should be losing, based on calorie totals, which means that I am gaining genuine baby mass now. The kid is about the size of a large green olive and my uterus has swelled significantly with amniotic fluid, placenta, and said baby. I can feel it about halfway to my belly button already, which is definitely measuring on the large size for this gestational age.

So this, I suppose, is like a REAL taste of maintenance. I have to know that I am doing everything right and trust that the weight on the scale isn't because I am miscounting my calories, but because I am gaining lean mass, as it were, in the form of another person. The scale is fluctuating fairly reliably within a 213-214 pound radius most days, and I think it is a given at this point that this will be my lowest pregnancy weight, and it's up up up from here.

Some days I think I am okay with that, and other days I feel really disheartened by it. I won't stop weighing daily, it gives me some great clues as to what is going on with my metabolism and I know that often my weight spikes are only related to the dinner I can FEEL moving sluggishly through my system... but since I have been in weight loss mode for about 18 months, it is tough to settle into a different pattern while still being vigilant of my diet and exercise.

I admit, part of me still really wants to post a loss, or 'begin' this pregnancy around 210... I still feel like the vacation weight isn't coming off, so I am just adding to unnecessary poundage. It is fairly irrational, but there it is: I am still annoyed I had to fly down south and end up in food situations where I couldn't really track my calories as I like. I am a creature of habit, and those routine disruptions (and another on to come in April!) really bug me.

Still, I know what I have to do, and even by the strictest weight charts my gains in the first trimester are in the average-to-below-average range. Gaining four-ish pounds in ten weeks is not bad, according to those charts, and that comforts me a bit since I know some of that gain could have been avoided (thereby meaning my actual pregnancy gain is lower, which could signal that I will be able to manage gains in this pregnancy like I did in my last two). But I will say, being AWARE of my habits has made things a lot more stressful than the first two times around. I just ate what I wanted and lost weight... but now I am INCAPABLE of just eating and not thinking about the nutritional impact of the food on my body. In some ways, that is fabulous - its awfully hard to backslide up the scale in any significant way when you are naturally conscious of your hunger, how and when to satisfy it, and with what foods to do it with. I suppose the rub comes when you know you're doing everything right, and the creep up the scale is to be observed, but not *dealt with* as it would have been before pregnancy.

* * * *

All weight related angst aside, I actually have had a very good week with the pregnancy. As I mentioned before I am definitely showing, my uterus is quite high in my abdomen for this spot in the pregnancy and it has pushed a lot of other organs out of the way. Maternity clothes are a must at this point!

My symptoms have been mild, with just a few severe waves. I do, unfortunately, have a headcold, but hopefully it won't hang around too long.

The best thing that happened this week? I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, FINALLY! I have a doppler from the previous two pregnancies and have been checking for a heartbeat for over a week, but had no luck. Finally, on Monday, I pushed the probe much HIGHER than I had been previously checking, and within moments found a strong, fast, beautiful baby heartbeat that left me MUCH reassured as to the health of this pregnancy. I was pretty shocked to find it up so high, as my uterus should still be behind my pelvic bone at this stage in the pregnancy, but it was a good three inches higher. There's a few causes for that, the most likely being that my previous kiddos have stretched out the gym for this one, so it is easier for the n00b to expand that muscle than it was for them.

Either way, a heartbeat was exactly what I hoped to find. It lessens my chances for miscarrying dramatically, and made me feel much better about making a general pregnancy announcement to the few friends who haven't yet heard.

My appointment is next monday, and I do hope it goes well. In the meantime, I know I just need to watch the scale but not obsess and do my best to stay active and nourished, without worrying about what numbers may pop up. At this point I do think baby gain will mostly cancel out any calorie deficits on the scale, but I am comforted knowing those deficits WILL show after birth, and that having maintained my good habits will make losing baby weight after birth much more simple.

Onward I go!

I am fairly thrilled for the weekend, for a number of reasons.

First, my husband was out of town on a work related inspection trip, and he will be coming home this afternoon.

Second, I have some stuff to get done for our church's VBS, and this is a good time to do them.

It also is a perfect time to lose the remaining vacation weight, which wasn't very bad this time. I weighed in at 213 when I left and was 213.8 this morning, so considering the amount of eating out I had to do I'd say that's a fairly easy gain to bounce back from. I've just been focusing on getting my fruits and veggies in, and the rest is taking care of itself.

Unfortunately this weekend it sounds like we still won't have our grandparent babysitters available to watch the kids, so still no reschedule has occurred for our missed Valentines plans, but that's okay. We're boring parents, but a Saturday is still better than a weekday when my husband is around to assist more with the kids. He's a very good dad, and has been a phenomenal husband to me through each pregnancy.

Speaking of pregnancy, other than crazy fatigue and the occasional wave of nausea, I've been feeling pretty good lately. The sickies have definitely tapered off and for the most part I am able to eat without crazy food aversions. My bigger issue right now is that halfway into eating something, like broccoli last night or grapefruit the day before, all the sudden the food will trip the gag reflex/aversion button and taking one more bite will send me over the edge into vomiting. It's very random and not something I remember experiencing, but I cannot load up on bland/unblended produce without this occasionally happening. If it is more than fresh or lightly steamed, like in a soup or smoothies, I am okay, but something about fresher preparations is harder to palate these days. Bitter seems more bitter, green tastes astringent, sweet can be cloying. So while it seems I have mostly conquered complete food aversion (except to ham and turkey) I still have to be very aware of upper limits on certain foods. I can't seem to veggie load like I used to - where I'd swallow something that I didn't much love the taste of (like kale) but would eat a portion because it was good for me. Now, I'd try to eat kale and the very thought of a vegetable like that will send my stomach churning half the time.

So it's not perfect, but it's better than it was during, say, the Superbowl. The nausea comes and goes, as does other symptoms, but by and large I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

I got some time in on the bike Wednesday, and will be shooting for more today. Other than that, I'll see you at my weigh-in Monday!

I do these weekly but never do manage to paste in the button for them :) Sorry Diana!

I'm officially back from the last funeral, thank goodness! It all went very well but I am glad to be home, and DONE with airport food for the time being. I am so tired of working hard on my weight, heading out for another trip where it is constant airport food and eating out, and then coming home with my weight frustratingly up. It makes me want to deck someone, honestly.

I'm not doing an official weigh-in until next monday, to give the pipes so time to process all that sodium, but I am expecting to be up around 1-1.5 pounds. I can work it off, sure, but I am just not even enjoying the process of eating lovely food and gaining. It isn't worth it to me, but at most of the places we were eating (Like Claim Jumper), even taking leftovers home left me with huge amounts of calories I didn't need. And yet, I am still hungry, and if I don't eat when the hunger pangs begin I start getting nauseous, so I can't just eat less frequently to balance out the higher calorie levels.

All in all it is quite annoying, but I am heartened that I only have one trip remaining, at the beginning of April. I am just so sick of this tango of 1 step forward, 2 steps back, when I would have NO TROUBLE with nice steady losses if I was just able to stay home. I know everything happens for a reason and these funerals were unavoidable, but after the December trip and the holidays it has been a frustrating few months with my weight. That, coupled with the fact that I am limited in how I can lose right now, thanks to the baby, and I am getting awfully close to screaming over this whole thing. Most of the time I can gracefully accept a gain, but right now I am just annoyed.

So yeah, traveling bumped my weight up and I am terribly bloated again (gee, thanks airport food!), and looking forward to getting back into my normal, healthy groove. Wish me luck!

That's what the muscles in my legs do for about a half hour after I stop cycling, anyway! They twitch all over the place, and I can't decide if it is good (that they're continuing to work) or annoying (that I can't get them to stop).

Got in 10.1 miles on the bike, FINALLY. I am anticipating a problem down the road, though, and don't know if I can solve it with my preferred exercise. You see, I am having problems with my thighs hitting my belly when I cycle, and it is quite uncomfortable. I also imagine it is going to get worse in the coming months, and I have no alternative exercise at this point that does any cardio. I will probably be able to get out and walk with the kids in a few months, when it finally thaws, but that is also not ideal for speed or fitness (I still don't have a good method for carrying both of them, at the size they're at now, but Callie can't walk fast or far).

So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do when it comes to exercise. I can still use my strength bands, sure, but this thigh-belly-contact nonsense will not work well as I get even bigger than I am now.

What I find interesting is that when I was 20 pounds heavier, this didn't bother me and wasn't a problem. maybe because now it is internal organs, as opposed to just blubber? My entire digestive tract is getting higher and higher with each passing week, and so perhaps that is where the pain/discomfort is coming from?

I want to keep cycling, I enjoy it and it is much easier on my knees that walking, but that may not be possible :(

Here's my mid-week brain dump/check in!

Exercise has mostly eluded me this week, primarly for time reasons. Tonight I am aiming to get on the bike, we'll see if I can do it. Eating has been fine, at anywhere between 1900-2200 calories a day. That is a half to one pound loss for me, if I count my calories accurately and don't nibble :).

* * * *

In happy news, my weight has been around 213.0-212.8 for the past few days, with the only bump-up being the night I had fast food for dinner. It was within my calories, but all that sodium is killer! I'm doing great eating fruits and veggies, but meat still generally gags me. It stinks because I NEED protein to grow a healthy baby, but I am having to resort to nuts, beans, and protein shakes almost exclusively. I've been craving eggs but I am highly sensitive to them, and they give me the fuzzy throat/icky feeling allergic reaction. So I've been indulging in them VERY limitedly, a few eggs a week. If anyone wants to pray for me, pray that my food aversions would mellow so I could rely less on bread and get more poultry and beef, especially, into my system!

Still, I can't complain. My nausea has been coming and going in waves, but is tolerable overall. I am mostly eating well (probably 80/20) and feel exhausted, but not *weak*, which is nice. Sadly, I keep craving all my allergens when it comes to food. I have been tested to be sensitive to baker's yeast, brewer's yeast, wheat, oats, milk, eggs, cheese, and almonds, in varying levels. Frequent exposure exacerbates my immune response, and infrequent expose makes it more mild. The problems comes about when one realizes that this was almost my exclusive diet during my first pregnancy, and that I LOVE all of these foods. Ugh!

For breakfast this morning, I gave into my cravings and am paying for it now in how cruddy I feel.

I ate two eggs, a bowl of banana oatmeal (old fashioned and from scratch), and a cup of milk. Tasty and healthy, right? All of these foods are nourishing, whole foods, and yummy too! But eating healthy isn't always as simple as the calorie count of nutritional profile of the foods. Your body's response to that food is also key!

For me, I am very prone to that allergic inflammatory response if I eat too much of the same food over a period of weeks, particularly foods from that sensitivity list. Considering that research has discovered most long-term losers and maintainers eat largely the same diet every day, it can be quite a challenge for me to eat foods I like, that stay within my calories and satisfy me, while rotating them enough that I don't start feeling 'off'. If you find yourself suffering from headaches, lethargy, rashes, unexplained weight gain, or generally feeling like you have a cold, getting a blood panel down to identify food allergies may be a fabulous investment for your health. You can be eating 'all the right things' and still have issues, if those things trigger an immune response in your body.

Case and point with my breakfast? It was the right thing to eat, but not right for me. Grapefruit, toast with peanut butter, and a glass of soy will sit much better and nourish me just as much. Especially during times of bodily stress, like pregnancy or illness, food allergies and sensitivities can appear that never triggered you before. A simple elimination and reintroduction diet approach can make a world of difference in how you feel.

* * * *

In other rambles, I am in the midst of *cough*being lazy*cough* cleaning up the house and packing, getting ready for funeral #2 down in California. I fly out tomorrow morning at 9:00 am, and spend most of the day stuck in Sea-Tac, before flying out again at 9:00 pm down to San Diego. The flights are, woefully, packed, and I am worried the smells on the airplane will turn my stomach the whole time. That, plus the general exhaustion/boredom of being in the airport will make me prone to overeating. So good thoughts for self control on Seattle would be much appreciated! The trip, itself, should be good... It's the coming and going I am worried about! And those monster layovers are truly mindnumbing. I am happy to be traveling alone again, but I will miss my husband and kids like crazy.

The only other travel related concern, really, is weight gain due to eating out a ton. It always happens and I know I can overcome the bulk of the gain by being mindful (and take it back off once I get home!) but I'd rather not gain it to begin with, if I can help it. This overwhelmingly long half year of travel is not helping my weight loss, and while I have lost inches and gained self perspective, I cannot express how thrilled I will be once April passes and the our last trip (to Michigan for two weeks) is out of the way. After that, we're not going anywhere for at least a year, and I can stop getting these travel-related weight setbacks. I can deal with pregnancy weight gain, but fast food weight gain from being on the road is another thing entirely!

* * * *

I think that about does it for my sprawling weekly update. I will be gone until Wednesday, effectively, so I may not do a weigh in until two Mondays from now, but I should be back to normal and blogging by the middle of next week. Here's to safe travels and healthy airport food (ha!)!

Don't you just hate it when the scale doesn't properly reflect the loss for the week? It's doing that for me, today, unfortunately!

My lowest weight this past week was 213.2, which is correct based on the calorie deficit I am estimated to be running. But thanks to a slowed metabolism and digestion during pregnancy, all the food I ate this weekend is lounging in my digestive tract, and so despite running a caloric deficit I weighed in this morning at 213.8.

Not much to say here - I still feel icky on and off with morning sickness, and am 7 weeks pregnant today. Only 33 more to go, it seems like AGES away (kind of like that first appointment still seems ages away, as well!). This friday will mark the beginning of the second funeral trip to California, and I will be gone until midday Tuesday. Hopefully my eating (and nausea!) will remain healthy and under control while I am gone, and my husband and kids survive without me. They did pretty well the last time, I'm confident my husband can hold it together without me overseeing him. He's talented like that!

My weekly prescription for myself remains unchanged - do some exercise (because once I do I enjoy it SO much!) and continue eating mostly on plan. I should have lost at least half a pound this week, so I am doing decently enough on food (Valentines and a Baby Shower notwithstanding!) and just need to continue on in that vein. Meats are still proving difficult for me to eat without gagging, but I am doing fine with most fruits and veggies. I am always tempted to carb load when I am not feeling well, so I hope I stay away from the white bread a little more this week and reach for some salad or a potato instead.

How did YOU all do this past week?

I did it! I got off my lazy butt this afternoon (when what I really wanted was to sit around reading or take a nap) and did 10 miles even on the bike. It was at a more sedate pace than pre-pregnancy, my heartrate sat around 130BPM which is around 60-70% of my max. Still, I am SO glad I did, I feel much better than I did before, it was a very energizing ride!

I think I may grow fond of the slightly lower resistance and slower pace. I actually was enjoying the ride so much, that despite needing to get downstairs to pop some sourdough sandwich loaves into the oven, I actually reprogrammed the bike and did an extra TEN MINUTES to get a little more in. At that pace, if I could find time, I think I could actually do an hour without issue. I was having such a good time jamming to my music, spacing out, and getting my blood pumping for the first time in ages (getting stuck in a snowbank Monday, notwithstanding!).

So yay for exercise, I hope I can manage a repeat tomorrow. It may be difficult to get the time, only because I have to go to a baby shower in the early evening and that is my normal workout time. We'll see, either way.

Mission accomplished for today :)

* * * * *

On a fun addendum, due to some issues during one of my pregnancies I have a blood pressure meter here at home. It's buried under my bathroom sink so I rarely think to take my blood pressure, but I decided to take it this evening just for kicks. It was 107/75 - not bad for an obese chick ;)

To be fair, except at the height of pregnancy, my blood pressure is always at or below 120/80. High blood pressure is not a condition I have to contend with, thankfully, and improving my exercise and diet has only helped assure that.

Surprise, surprise?

I am finding it MUCH easier to stay on plan and not overeat my calories at around 1900, as opposed to 1400 or 1750 - I know, you're shocked, right? ;)

It's been a good few days - still woefully absent on exercise, with the exception of pulling my kids around in the sled on Monday, but overall I have been doing well. I'm still mightily fighting nausea, and I admit my daily calories consist of too many saltines and too few slices of turkey, but if it gets calories in me and doesn't make me throw up, I figure it's okay for now. I am still doing my best to eat healthfully at every meal, and so far breakfast and lunch have been solid almost every day this week. For me, at least, morning sickness seems to strike the worst as I am trying to cook and eat dinner.

I'm still marching down the scale at a nice, reliable .8-1 pound a week loss, and I am very satisfied with that. I am hoping my OB won't give me grief about it, since I am eating mostly nutritionally dense foods and not going hungry. We'll see.

My goal today is going to be to get in half an hour on the bike. I KNOW I can do it, I just have to make it a priority. I'll check in later if I manage to do it, or if exhaustion or nausea floor me again.

In happy pregnancy news, I am 6w4d pregnant today, with no cramping or bleeding to speak of. YAY! It's in God's hands either way, but I definitely hope I don't miscarry and thus far the signs are all promising and things are progressing very normally. I can't complain (much). I've had some round ligament twinges when I move from sitting to standing, which is just a consequence of a growing uterus and my body adjusting to loosening connective tissues. I am still fighting some less pleasant gastro-intestinal side effects beyond nausea, but I'd say I feel about 85% normal for most of the day. By the evening I am definitely fried, and I feel badly for my hard-working husband to pick up the slack, but we're both just doing the best we can. He doesn't really seem to mind, so I am grateful for his help.

Hm... I can't really think of anything else to post about, other than my shock at all my maternity clothes fitting and filling out already. I am in a bit of a predicament with my pants, because the ones that fit in the waist are all new and WAY too long, but the person I would have help me pin and hem them, my mother-in-law, hasn't yet been told I am pregnant! She and her husband are some of the last people to find out, just by the way things worked out this time around.

Peter is planning on breaking the news to them this weekend, so pray for a positive reaction! And maybe after she knows, I can get some help with altering the sad state of these maternity jeans! I can deal with two inches or so of excess length - a shoe will take up that slack - but four or five?! That just looks comically unkempt!

Off to start another busy day!

My cousins were great and took some pictures of the five of us female Davidson-descended cousins together, and I was about 4 weeks pregnant in these. I wish I had thought to take a front-on shot, alone, because I looked GREAT in my dress for that funeral. My grandmother would have probably high-fived me, were she around to do it.

I am the one in the glasses, for those who don't know :)

Now the first thing that struck me about these photos (other than that I really do squint my eyes up terribly when I smile) is that I look NORMAL. I am still heavy, yes, and still over 200 pounds. But I don't instantly look at these pictures and think "I look terrible, oh no! I hate myself!". I don't look like 'the fat chick' next to my cousins. I look like I belong, I don't stand out in any significant way. I look pretty enough, and very typical... I look a little more like some of my cousins than others, but we definitely look related in a spread like this. I just look like Taryl. Not fat Taryl, not young Taryl. Just me, as I am now. I am not looking at a picture of myself and shocked by what I see.

For many years I had a body image that was in discord from what I thought myself to be. In pictures like this, I thought I was fatter than I actually was (I was 160 pounds):

And in images like this one, I was shocked when I saw the picture, because I thought I was THINNER than I was:

So it is really something, to finally look at a picture of myself for the first time in six years and see myself for who I am, not who I believe myself to be.

I'm pretty enough, in an average sort of way.

Still short.

Pasty white due to staying indoors and living in Alaska.

A perpetually cheerful person.

A mom.

A little pregnant.

Lighter than I was.

Heavier than I'd like to be.

Exactly who I am, and absolutely fine.

I have been frustrated at my lack of scale progress since, well, probably Thanksgiving. I have been maintaining a bit unwittingly, fluctuating up and down the same three or four pounds. My measurements have changed a bit (that dress was NOT in a plus size... it was the biggest 'normal' size!) but for the most part I have been a bit stagnant.

But maybe God's plan for me (my weight included) is a little bit wiser than my own machinations for myself, because somehow in the time between being thrilled to reach 210 and annoyed that I was still up at 210, my mind got USED to seeing what was in the mirror. My brain FINALLY saw what everyone else did, nothing more or less, and seeing myself through their eyes (or camera lens) has really given me an appreciation for all that I have accomplished and have yet to accomplish with my body.

I still see squinty eyes, and back fat, and a slight double chin. I still see weight left to lose. But I don't loathe and avoid what I see, I LIKE it. I'm not perfect, and even at my ultimate goal weight I will still be far from an idealized mental picture of myself. But that's okay. Somewhere along this year+ journey to reshape my body, I became comfortable with the person I was created to be. I haven't felt good in my skin in a long, long time (maybe ever?). So I have to celebrate this monumental achievement. I am ME, I LIKE me, and up OR down the scale I am still going to be 'okay'.

It's a good place to start this pregnancy, and I am looking forward to comparing these pictures down post-pregnancy, and watching myself shrink away from them with real joy for the journey I am on :)

Have you made peace with the man or woman in the mirror, lately? I really, really recommend it.

Let's get the normal monday post out of the way, shall we? I am at 214.0 today, which is .8 pounds less than last week. Considering that my weight flucuated all the way up to 216 some days this week, a weekend of maintaining around 214 is awesome and I'll happily take it! I am hoping (but not expecting) to keep losing around a pound a week this whole pregnancy.

Week by week that looks like minor weight loss, but at the end of the pregnancy I should theoretically be down 40 pounds! That would be awesome, and what's more - that calorie level (around 1900) is actually doable for me 95% of the time and I don't feel a need to go over. So I am pretty proud of myself and looking forward to continuing this slightly sluggish but HEALTHY weight trend throughout the pregnancy.

The thing to remember is that my scale won't show that loss each week due to me GAINING baby weight - specifically amniotic fluid, placenta, and actual human being. In my past pregnancies I have stayed around the same weight (after losing a little through the first trimester) from about 20-30 weeks, then there at the end I start gaining a pound or two a week until I give birth (usually 8-10 pounds of gain). If I can repeat or come close to that pattern I will be a happy clam. If I gain more, that's life.

Now, speaking of the pregnancy - THANK YOU LORD FOR SEA BANDS!!! I am sick as a dog. I was never, EVER this sick in either pregnancy. Nauseous all the time, with major food aversions that seem to change daily. I usually eat a pretty darn healthy diet - mostly unprocessed, home cooked, with lots of plants, protein, and whole grains. I drink only water with some milk on occasion.

Well. I have been SO sick that all I could stomach yesterday was a club sandwich from the store with white bread and LOTS of mayo (I was craving mayo) and two Ginger Ales (I tried eating some white rice but it didn't sit well). I did indeed go over my daily calories and it was with nutritionally devoid junk. Now I NEVER drink soda, and even when I was heavy I always had diet. But the taste of aspertame is entirely unpalatable to me these days, pregnant or not... so it was regular old Canada Dry, full calories and sugar.

And darn it all if it wasn't GOOD!

That, plus my sea bands, really helped quell the worst of my nausea. But I can tell that for these first few weeks I am really going to just have to take it bite by bite. I had a great start to my Sunday, with two over easy eggs, whole wheat toast, and some raspberries... it was later in the day that my sickies kicked in. So my game plan for today (and likely the next week or four) is to start out each meal with healthy choices, as I normally do, and only make adjustments to what I absolutely cannot stomach. I refuse to just go hog wild and only offer myself nutritionally devoid junk... I am going to start each meal with the best of food intentions and just make the most minimal adjustments for my stomach's comfort that I can.

So if I only subsist on cream of wheat, saltines, and a banana or two... it won't be from lack of trying with apples, salads, and fish :)

I am just going to do the best I can and my weight and health will take care of itself. So far, in the midst of horrible sickness, I am doing decently enough and not going to get down on myself.

* * * * * *

As a brief addendum to today's post, I must report that my exercise hopes from the end of last week were not achieved. This week, however, I have the chance to try again (we ALWAYS have the chance to try again, no matter what our state of health or schedule may be!) and will aim to get some time on the bike today. Ideally I will also drag my kids out into the snow as well, as they deserve some fresh air, we'll see.

In care provider news, my midwives unfortunately dumped me as a patient due to some office politics and a lack of time to attend me at the hospital (I think, they didn't actually give me the courtesy of a reasonable explanation) so I will be seeing Dr. Bell, the OB who delivered Lilah, for this pregnancy. I will also be using my same doula from that birth as well. I like Dr. Bell a lot, he is very flexible and naturally minded, so I am not worried. I just wish my midwives gave me the courtesy of at least discussing how my risk factors may have somehow changed for the WORSE after a SUCCESSFUL VBAC and subsequent 45 pound weight loss. It really upset me that they cancelled the consult I scheduled with them in favor of just ditching me through the secretary on the phone, but I've gotten over the worst of my anger on the subject.

So an OB it is, and the first appointment is (sadly) AGES away on March 8th. I will be 10 weeks exactly, and I do hope I can get an ultrasound to verify a healthy pregnancy (or two?) and set my mind at ease.

I am 6 weeks today and doing just fine, beyond the obvious nausea. I'll take it (with a side of Ginger Ale, it seems!).

This week has been crazy, and unfortunately the schedule disruptions aren't done yet.

I've been slacking on exercise. Not a minute of formal exercise (despite daily plans to do so) since I came back from California. Now, to be fair, I have been playing a daily catchup game to try and get things back in smooth running order after being gone a week, and also constantly balancing my mind-numbing pregnancy fatigue with my need to get my blood pumping.

It's been a challenge.

The good news is that I am mostly caught up, and should have time during my kids' nap today to get on the bike.

The bad news is that the next two weeks full of appointments, church obligations, and lots of prepwork leading up to my NEXT California trip. And yes, I should still be contending with my daily energy drains that leave me dazed on the couch, mentally begging for a nap. Still, I am hoping to get in a solid three days a week of cycling, and work in 15 minutes of strength training on the other two days.

I will always have an excuse not to do it, some more legitimate than others. But the fact remains that I NEED to work out, for my health and fitness and for the baby, and so I must commit to it, make it a priority as much as food, sleep, or (lazy me!) internet time.

As for this crush of fatigue, while I know it is a common pregnancy symptom I am worried that it, coupled with dizziness and constantly freezing, may be indicative of anemia. I dealt with it during past pregnancies and will be speaking with my midwives about it this time, and sharing my concerns. It is amazing what a little iron supplement can do. However, iron is a metal and it still prone to accumulating in body tissues (same with copper and zinc, both important but easy to overdose on) and so I do not want to begin supplementing my iron without a blood panel showing a need for it. I could do a lot more harm than good with excess supplementation of something like that.

So anyway, I am still focusing on being 'on' with my eating (and with a few hiccups after dinner here and there, I am being largely successful with 1900 calories a day) and choosing protein sources first, then plants, THEN whole grains and dairy (I have a sensitivity to dairy so I have to be careful to not start an allergic inflammation cycle). On food, at least, I just need to keep doing what I am doing, and being accountable for every bite put in my mouth.

On exercise, I just need to make it a priority and get my butt in gear. Finishing my home schedule is also a HUGE priority that will help other things, like sleep, bible study, and exercise, also fall into place. I am struggling with lethargy, laziness, and a bit of stress, so I really need some prayers to overcome them.

That's me in a nutshell. Doing okay, still pregnant with no spotting and the occasional round ligament twinge, and trying to get my life in order in such a way that NOTHING gets neglected during this pregnancy or after. A little discipline and order now will pay off later - the newborn days are TOUGH and take all the preparation I can manage, and it is never too early to start :)

I'm happy to be back, thank you for all the condolences on the deaths in my family, I really appreciate the support.

On the weight/food front, I'll just get it all out there and then explain: I weighed in at 214.8 this morning, down a pound from yesterday but up about four pounds from my last official weigh-in.

Sounds bad, right? It would be, except that I am pretty confident that maybe 1.5-2 pounds of that is actual weight gain, and the rest is wicked (but expected) bloat, the type I don't think will subside for another few weeks.

The reason for this terrible bloat? I'm PREGNANT! Thrilled to be so, as this was our first month trying. I am due 10/4/10, and thus my dieting efforts will be altered a bit in the meantime. Right now I am battling water retention and alternating horrible PMS-style cravings with major food aversions, so keeping my eating on plan has been a little tricky. However I may I have to modify my eating plan, there will still BE a plan, and food will still be written down, exercise will still be had, etc etc.

While I am not aiming to lose a ton of weight during the pregnancy, I am intending on continuing my healthy habits and limiting my calories to the more nutritious side of things, and so I expect I *will* drop some more during this process, but won't be upset if I do not. I will continue to eat to my hunger, and that is a perfectly safe plan for pregnancy. Healthy food, moderate exercise, watching calories but making sure I am not hungry - we'll see what happens, but right now I am just tweaking to see where my body wants me to fall in terms of calorie intake.

I would still like to be down to 189 by the end of the year, and will still keep up this blog as a general diet/life writing space. I am NOT abandoning all of you! What may be tricky is to monitor my weight weekly without getting disappointed when I am not losing. It will be weird, after so many months of hoping for downward trends, to be doing the right things and seeing the scale go up after awhile :)

I am SO excited about this pregnancy and it works in perfectly with our plans. I have all my fingers crossed that, like my other pregnancies, my weight gain will be VERY limited, but even if it is not I will deal with baby weight as it comes. The only change I am really enacting is to up my calories a bit to get the amount of protein I need daily (roughly double what I am currently at) so I can build a healthy baby.

We're STRONGLY hoping for a boy, but another daughter would also be a blessing. I hope, for my husband's sake, that his male sperm were feeling up to the challenge, as he would love having a son to raise alongside the girls we already have. I have had TERRIBLE symptoms from almost 4 weeks onward, lots of nausea, bloat, breast tenderness, headaches, fatigue, food aversions, you name it. MUCH more symptomatic than I was with my girls. Every pregnancy is different, but I am hoping the early symptoms of this one don't foretell a rougher pregnancy than I have had before.

One thing is for sure - it HAS to be less difficult to be 45 pounds lighter this time around. The impact on my hips and joints, at least, should be markedly less painful with that much less weight on me. I am looking forward to higher mobility and less pain at the end, and perhaps an easier labor due to all the exercise and toning I have been working on.

So good news all the way around. I am so glad to be back home and back to my old routines, and looking forward to all the physical changes the next year has in store for me. I am praying for a healthy, strong pregnancy, as well as a body that will continue to get more fit. Because of my current hormones I *am* having a much harder time resisting carb-laden junk, but I will try to take it one meal at a time and eat to grow a healthy child (and not a bigger waistline - that's up to the baby to transform, not Oreos!).

Sorry for the distinct lack of updates, I am now down in California for funeral #1, the one for my paternal grandmother. My internet access is spotty, is is my access to a scale. That aside, I'm doing well, still recording my food, and trying to eat as healthfully as possible.

I will record the damage of the trip when I get home, see you all then!

So I was 210.0 at my weigh-in this morning, and it is QUITE the welcome visitor, to be out of the 2-teens decade and heading back to the single digits. With God's grace, hopefully today will be a better day than yesterday.

I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog and around the internet with condolences about my grandmothers. It really warmed my heart to hear everyone's caring sentiments and made me feel much better.

I am doing well today, having come to better terms with the loss of both women in such a short period of time. They lived good, full lives with love for their Lord and love for others, and while they are missed, I am actually looking forward to celebrating their lives with my family down in California shortly. If I could use prayer for anything right now, it would be that the memorials correlate enough that I can make one slightly longer trip down to go to both at once, rather than two short trips over the course of a few weeks. Financially it is nearly impossible for us to swing two sets of plane tickets, after we *just* went down there, so I am praying that the Lord providentially places the dates of the funeral for Grandma Davidson (who is being buried) and the memorial for Grandma Oslin (who was cremated) closely together enough that I can attend both in a way that does not unduly strain my husband financially. He will make happen whatever needs to, to get me down there for both, but we'd both prefer the less painful arrangement!

In terms of eating, I actually did VERY well yesterday. I caved to a little emotional eating for some chocolate icecream and sushi, but I only went over my daily calorie target by about 300 calories, and was controlled even in my indulgences, thinking them over and counting them instead of just shoving them in my face to fill some gaping emotional hole in my life.

A part of me would have loved to sink into a bunch of junk food, but a much LARGER part of me had no real desire to over-indulge when it wouldn't bring either Grandma back, NOR would it be conducive to my health and scale goals. And now, in hindsight, I am very proud of myself for standing firm on my eating. Today I already feel a mental burden lifted and am at peace with their passing, now I just need to move forward with my life as always - one step at a time, with faith in the Lord, and living as a servant for those I love (instead of wallowing in selfishness!).

I can do this, I AM doing it, and I can grieve in a healthy way and still stand strong afterward. God is SO good, and now both grandmothers are experiencing that goodness firsthand. How blessed they are, and how blessed I am, even through this.

So how was YOUR week, everyone?

This morning I was home from church, tired from Lilah's fussing last night and not feeling well.

I received two calls in the space of ten minutes though I let them go to message (I was trying to nap), once the second call came in I knew something was wrong.

The news was that my other grandmother, Grandma Davidson, passed away this morning.

I didn't know this at first, but she had been feeling poorly this whole week, and had stopped eating and drinking a few days ago. She woke up at 5:30 am with a backache, and my grandpa gave her a massage and started the vibration on her bed to help her sleep. She went back down to sleep soon after, and when the alarm went off at 8:30 am for church, she wouldn't wake up. He went over to wake her, and realized she was gone.

I got this information from my Uncle, who is over at their home with all the rest of the family arriving. I'll be getting details on her funeral soon, and will fly down for both her and Grandma Oslin's memorial service.

I was always pretty close to both grandmothers, and loved them dearly, so losing both in the space of three days has just been too much. At the same time, both had a myriad of health problems and were believers, so I am assured that they are in a much better place and communing with the Lord. I am missing them, but at the same time I'm happy that they are away from all the pain and anguish of a fallen world.

Still, please be praying for my family and me, that we may have peace and understanding through this difficult time, and that we will rely on God's strength as our solace, and not our own desperate, flawed knowledge. I cannot do this, can't take this much grief, so I am deeply grateful that my burdens are not shouldered alone, but instead laid at the feet of the God of the Universe. Praise the Lord, that in the face of such emotional pain I have peace in His strength and plan.

It's a lot, but I have far more lasting hope and joy than despair. I'll be okay, but now is time to grieve and gather ourselves to celebrate the lives of these two wonderful women.

Today was a rough day.

I was busy. The kids were a handful. There was a very long list of chores and no energy to do them. My husband worked very, very late. My grandmother died at 12:37 pm, after a very long fight against a myriad of health issues, and over a year and a half in the hospital.

.... I struggled with my eating. Maybe it was related to the above, or maybe I just need to exercise better control. Either way, thankfully, tomorrow is another day.

I love you Grandma, and can almost see you rejoicing in God's majesty right this moment. Goodbye.

Not much to say here, just plugging along. I am having a difficult time keeping a calorie deficit as large as I want, as 1400 a day is really pushing what I can eat and still be satisfied, even on highly nutritious calories. I keep not getting enough calcium, and I am not a fan of extra-dietary supplementation with vitamins, if it can be helped.

So I have been 'overeating' my calories each day by around 300, which is just fine. It just means I lose at a slightly slower rate. I still want to chuff off as much weight as possible before another pregnancy, but I am not going to starve myself to do it. My basal metabolic rate should be around 2400 calories per day (to maintain my weight if I do nothing in particular regarding activity) and so anything I eat under that WILL eventually culminate to weight loss.

Tonight is a party at a restaurant with my husband's coworkers, essentially what the annual Christmas party was supposed to be, were any of us in town to celebrate it! I don't know what I'll order, but I am thinking a salad or chicken dish may be a better idea than a steak, from a caloric standpoint. I am not going to check myself too heavily on the eating, but I WILL focus on eating vegetables over that damnable bread basket and wine! Little cumulative changes make a bigger difference than the truly occasional indulgence, provided that indulgence doesn't wipe out the calorie deficit cultivated for the past week :) I know I can have fun with friends, eat good food, and not go out of my mind with overeating.

It just requires a little attention and accountability, and that has almost become automatic for me now. I feel GUILTY if I do not write exact quantities of food down. If I eat more than the half an apple I allotted for lunch, it niggles in the back of my brain until I adjust the quantity up to reflect reality. I've become very uncomfortable with the idea of 'cheating' and lying to myself about my food, and I think it is a HUGE development toward my own brain monitoring itself and not letting me fall into a state of food coma and denial. I WANT to journal my food and eat a healthy, balanced diet. This is a big, big step.

I am slowly but surely edging closer to lifetime maintenance habits, and it feels GOOD!