After eating probably no less than 4000 calories of fat and protein, as per the protocol instructions (eat to capacity, ie: eat until your stuffed, with the most caloric, fattening foods you can find) I am actually down a pound this morning to 203.2. Go figure, right?

Shockingly, you'd think eating and eating steak, ice cream, slab bacon, cheeses, eggs and the like would be a ton of fun, but fat is very filling and it was actually somewhat of a chore. Still, I know it is important to get my sub dermal fat stores in shape before going on the VLCD tomorrow, so despite how contrary to conventional wisdom (which, I am discovering, is rarely wise and usually wrong!) this diet initially sound I am doing it as well as I can.

As I mentioned before I cannot have nutritive oils in any body care products, as even that small amount of fat in lip balm, foundation, or conditioner can have an interfering effect on the hormone processes I am trying to achieve with my hypothalamus. Products I use can have mineral oil and petroleum, but if it can be eaten it shouldn't be worn during phase 2, in general. I need to acquire new soap, lip balm, and had to switch back to mineral deodorant. I am going to have to wear gloves when making food for my family, so the oils I am cooking with don't get on my skin. It's no hardship, but it does take more awareness of what I am doing and touching than I have ever used before. Things like wearing lip balm, I didn't realize I do constantly until I couldn't anymore. Olive oil dribbling a bit on the side of the bottle is suddenly a problem. Little things like that take a brain switch.

I also find it fascinating how the first two days of P2 are so heavy on fat, then the next 26-40 days, depending on how much weight you need to lose, are as minimal in fat as is humanly possible (the lowest fat meats commonly around, no extra dietary fat, no fat through contact, etc). This is to trigger the chemical signals in your body, with the help of hCG, to release the extra calories and dietary fat you need from your fat stores. Even the smallest amount of fat present through the skin or by mouth can fool the body into not beginning that mechanism and result in inferior loss of fat. The three weeks of P3 involve tons of fat again, anywhere from 50-60% of the daily calorie intake from fat is desireable. This is to help to body stabilize and rebalance, and the restriction is on sugar and starch, not fat. Again, the protocol specifically discusses why this is needed, from a hormonal perspective. The three weeks to lifetime spent on P4 is to maintain the new fat, protein, and fiber heavy diet while figuring out how much, if any, starch and sugar can be tolerated without causing abnormal fat storage and weight swings. High fat and protein are crucial for the rest of one's life, unles they do another round of the protocol to lose more weight. It's far from what the diet industry has preached for years, and yet it makes good sense when looking at the various hormones (insulin, leptin, cortisol, etc) respond to certain nutrients. Our bodies seem to signal satiety and normal storage function the very best when we have adequate fat intake and watch it with inflammatory things like dairy and grains. The more data that comes out on this subject, the more Dr. Simeons original observations are justified and strengthened. Fascinating, eh?

Tomorrow begins the real exciting part - the VLCD in which I begin to shed pounds and inches like crazy and get my body's immune responses to certain food back under control. It will be good, though I don't get to enjoy a normal Christmas meal this year it is hardly a burden, given the benefits I get from shedding all that weight and working through my food allergies. All in all I am anxious to get it underway.

The injection was better today. Still stingy, since the hCG was refrigerated I could feel it in my belly fat until it warmed up, but the needle insertion wasn't felt at all. I chose my lower belly, instead of above my belly button, this time. Tht may have helped, as I have had low sensation in that skin ever since those nerves were sliced through in my c-section. Either way, I think rotating injection sites between my thighs and lower belly will be the least painful. I am glad it was more tolerable this time, that bodes well for future injections. I don't want to confront my needle phobia every single day for six weeks if I don't have to - getting over it and having it be 'normal' is my goal, so I don't cringe every time I have to do it.

So for recording purposes, here are my measurements and such as of today, the official start of this little experiment of mine.

Weight: 203.2

Hips: 48 inches

Waist: 39 inches

Bust: 49 inches

Under bust: 37 inches

Thigh: 24 inches

Upper arm: 14.5 inches

As expected these are all half an inch to an inch larger than my last set of measurements, due to that darned regain. I'm thoroughly looking forward to them shrinking like mad, I must admit ;)

Today was my first load day. You'd think gorging on as much fat and protein as you can stuff down would be fun, but it's actually a little sickening. Necessary and enjoyable, but by the end of the night it's a bit of a chore. Still, Dr. Simeon is very specific about the necessity of these days to the success of the first week of the protocol, and I'm not about to argue with him on it! My mother said much the same - a solid load made her second round much easier than her first, where she was a bit afraid to eat as much as was being asked.

It was quite a learning curve today, because I had to reconstitute my freeze dried hCG (Novarel/Hucog) with my sodium chloride water and come up with my dose. I've never done much with mixing sterile solutions and that is where the bulk of the learning curve came in, but I think I did fine. Lots of alcohol swabbing and sterilizing the equipment, but one can't be too careful with hygiene in working with something that's injected under the skin, right?

My hCG is in 2000 iU vials and I need 125 iU each day. I mixed 4 cc's of the sodium chloride water with the hCG to get 16 days of doses, before I need to make a new batch. hCG has a short shelf life and is a delicate molecule, so having just two weeks or so of solution made up at a time and kept in the fridge is ideal.

Despite some twitchiness over the needles and learning a bit about positive and negative pressure in these sealed mixing bottles, all went off without a hitch. Then the real shakiness began, as I loaded up a dose into my itty bitty insulin-style subcutaneous syringe and braced myself. I am a bit terrified of needles and so voluntarily sticking myself is kind of scary. I manned up and did it, but there was much anxiety and gnashing of teeth. It stinged and ached a bit, but nothing that I'd classify as particularly awful. Still, it's no walk in the park.

I may do the next round sublingually (under the tongue) instead of injected, but that requires twice the amount of hCG because of how it is absorbed (not as well as straight into the body via injection) and that stuff isn't cheap. So if I can handle the needles without too much cringing this time around I'll likely just stick with them (haha ;) .

I did things slightly backwards today, as I loaded up before my injection due to not having time to sit and mix it up, but it shouldn't affect anything huge. The first several doses are getting it into the system and working, the spacing being slightly cluttered for a day isn't going to be crucial. I've been eating enough the past few days that the load isn't going to make or break the integrity of my fat stores, but this slight deviation from my planned timing is still a bit annoying, though trivial. My next dose is tomorrow morning, we'll see how it goes, eh?

The next post, if I remember, I will give my starting weight and measurements, though my last pictures should be as accurate as anything right now, since I yo-yo'd back up to the weight I was when I took them from my previous low. I'm glad I haven't made a habit of regaining weight, because even these ten pounds have absolutely sucked.

More information and intrepid journalling to follow tomorrow. Adios!

I am not sure if this link will work, but here is a PDF file link to the hCG protocol I am following. Many online are modified or bastardized and don't work the same way, and there has been a big kerfuffle with the FDA over some of the issues with the scammers and this diet. The original, unaltered protocol is all I am willing to try and what hundreds can attest to working for them, safely and effectively. I'll be following it to the letter.

http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/oJLnTi3tw_isv8HZAtggZzT45ddGXPQFk2W_IIoicZtHA1s-HZaFWcBxtm6G0FrGaupDSJsVqeNW89dN1iZw7DXzWkZn01Q/Pounds%20%26%20Inches.pdf

Well my hCG arrived a few days ago and my mixing and dosing supplies should be coming today, so I'm officially in serious prep mode. I've done my online ordering for some supplements I need to be taking (things like potassium and magnesium) as well as the basics for making the transition away from starch/wheat based baking and cooking, like coconut flour and ground almond meal. That has been a total trip! I know I need to do it and am excited about it, but healthy, low carb paleo-ish baking is a whole different set of kitchen chemistry than what I have perfected as a truly competent baker throughout my married life, thus far. Different textures and cooking times, leavening options, flavor enhancements, and even some adjusting of my palate to get away from sweet, bready things and enjoy more savory dishes.

Fortunately those changes won't be enacted for a good six weeks or so. The progression I'll be undertaking, as far as I can plan at this point, is dictated by the Simeons protocol and is thus:

- Two loading days (beginning Wednesday)

- PHASE TWO - Forty days on hCG (this will include a day a week where I eat the normal VLCD foods but don't dose with hCG, to extend my time before my body becomes resistant, as well as a break for the three heaviest days of my period)

- Three days of continuing off hCG while still eating VLCD, to transition away from its' metabolic effects completely.

- PHASE THREE - This is the stabilization phase where I am eating to maintain my weight in a two pound window of my last dose weight on hCG, where I must eat no sugar or starch beyond what was allowable in phase two. This is crucial to resetting my hypothalamus and my diet will need to be at mainentnance calories and at least 50% fat. High fat, high protein. Tasty!

- PHASE FOUR - Either the break between hCG cycles, or maintenance for the rest of my life. This must be at least three weeks before starting phase two again, and each cycle of hCG phase four needs to get progressively longer. This is where I slowly reintroduce starch or sugar, one serving every few days, and watch how the scale reacts. If certain foods make me gain more than two pounds of water weight or give me other sensitivity symptoms, I need to put them on my own no-eat list. The goal of P4 is to figure out what I can maintain on and what my lifetime normal way of eating is going to be. I am intending that it be continually low starch and added sugar except for the rarest of occasions, because those foods make me sick.

The previous phases (prior to phase four) work to break food addiction and craving, chemically reset the hypothalamus and change the body's fat storage into energy conversion (that is the function of the hCG, the same thing it does for babies and mother's metabolism in pregnancy), lose abnormal fat stores quickly, then teach the body a new set point for weight (that's what phase three is all about, and why losing weight continually through it is a no-go), then teach us how to eat in a way that doesn't make us gain weight again or restart the fat storage/sugar craving cycle.

This is a bad summary of what is an extremely complex protocol that has to be followed to the letter, but it is the best I can give to a layperson ;). I've been upping my normal fat stores and transitioning to low carb for a week and I must admit that, while the scale is higher than I want right now and a part of me is itching to cut my calories before beginning the diet, the first week of the VLCD goes much more smoothly if one has been eating high fat and not restricting calories beforehand. It has to do with the normal subcutaneous fat stores not being depleted (those things are normally the first to go in a diet and the ones the body tries the hardest to regain, creating the nasty yo yo effect).

Tonight I will be buying both my high fat loading foods and then my VLCD foods, I'll load until Thursday night, and then dose with my hCG to begin my forty day cycle on Friday morning. I will report my weight and such here in the body of the blog, as my sidebar still isn't working, and try to keep faily exhaustive records of what I am doing for my own knowledge, as well as to help any of you out there who are curious what the real hCG protocol looks like.

I'm expecting to lose between 20-40 pounds in the forty days on the protocol, likely somewhere in between. Then I have six weeks of stabilizing and then transitioning in a precious few starches like beans and a crouton or three, before I plan on going back on another round of phase two through four again. That should take care of most, if not all, of my excess weight. If I need a third round round on the protocol I will probably take it before we TTC again, but it really depends on how I am feeling. That will delay my TTC until the fall of 2013, which seems like a long time to wait. Reducing so much excess fat is definitely worth it, though, and I can't do this successfully while breastfeeding and thus would have to wait until the end of 2014 to do my final round, if I didn't do it before getting pregnant again. That is not desirable to me at this time, but I will re-evaluate after each round of phases and choose whatever course of action makes sense to me and my husband at the time.

And that, in a nutshell, is the plan.

This past week has been a mini experiment, in how my body responds to various foods. As I am heading toward a very low carb (starch and sugar carbs, anyway) diet that looks a lot like paleo, I wanted to estimate how badly I needed it by gauging how the aforementioned foods affected my body.

The long and short of it? I need it bad. I kind of knew this, but given that I do enjoy sugary, bready food so much you can forgive me for hoping it didn't have any significant impact on my metabolism. But grains, even whole grains, make me feel bloated and sluggish, as well as making the scale bounce all over the place. When I eat free of most starch and sugar I feel better and more energetic, I also seem to have less cravings for foods that are red light foods for me - the ones I have trouble controlling myself with. The scale bounced all over the place, from 205 to 199, depending on what I ate. Wanna guess what made me retain water like crazy? Oh yeah, bread and sweets. Want to guess what helped me shed water weight and an inch or so of bloat off my belly? Mhmm, the meat, fat, fruits, and veggies. As much as a part of me doesn't want to, I do realize it is high time that I declare a breakup with foods that make me feel sick and screw with my weight. Fortunately the diet I'm undertaking in the next few weeks is designed to do just that, including a testing phase (p4, for ease of remembering) where I reintroduce foods slowly, watching the scale and keeping a diary of how they make me feel, so I can figure out once and for all what my tolerances for certain nutrients is, and what just needs to be verboten for me.

This morning I was 199.2 or 199.4, I can't remember, but what I DO know is that I had approx. 1.5 ounces of dairy the whole day, some cookies we were surprise-gifted from a friend (I served myself some and declared them done, letting everyone else eat the rest), a big old salad and a bunch of blueberry protein smoothies (just 'cause they sounded good and the protein powder needs to be eaten up). This is much cleaner than I usually eat, with the exception of the cookies that popped up on my doorstep, and despite having a wicked cold all day I felt a lot better than when I have more eggs, bread, dairy, or much more sugar than an isolated serving. I know this is the case, I just need to keep reaffirming to myself the reality that I am an individual very responsive and sensitive to insulin, and eating foods that make it spike around just makes me fat and sick.

Bummer, but it's the truth.

I'm still awaiting my hCG in the mail, it's currently being inspected my customs and I'm hoping they don't hold it for weeks on end or levy massive charges on it. I have terrible luck with customs, unfortunately, so I am not holding my breath. If the ampoules aren't here until right before or around Christmas I wouldn't be shocked.

We are having terrible Internet issues right now, due mainly to the load our server has put on our bandwidth (it had previously been hosted in Nevada but had to be brought home for repairs after the collocation place broke it... Grr!). Comments are broken on here, my connection is spotty, the HTML and MySQL are currently locked up, too. So this is mainly me talking to the air on here, with no decent way for anyone to respond and nothing editable but the blog, itself.

Oh well, right?

I'm moving forward with my VLCD in the next few weeks (I'm waiting on my supplies to arrive) and it's very exciting stuff. In the meantime, I've been sticking to 1500-1700 calories and losing slowly but surely, in the meantime. I'm going to try and keep my progress updated on here with pictures and some details of the protocol, in case anyone else is interested and for my records. It is likely I can lose between 20-30 pounds in each round of the protocol (which is about three months from beginning to the end of the rest period before another cycle, with another week or two added each cycle for a greater rest) and I'm hoping two or three of them will take care of my excess entirely. I was originally going to just do one round before trying for another baby, but at this point I'm actually feeling very excited at the prospect of doing two or even all three rounds in a row.

I haven't had peace over delaying trying to conceive for MONTHS, even knowing my husband would like me to put it off (for financial reasons) and I have wanted to get down to 160, myself, before trying. I have been praying for guidance on this and that is about as distinct as it has been. It is a surprising load off my mind to be able to put to rest my biological urges for a season, without it being a daily fight over my desire for another child. Wanting health and weight loss more, for the first time in a year, is refreshing.

My default weight loss support site, 3FC, doesn't support hCG weight loss in its forums (primarily due to scammers), and so I have had to search elsewhere for information from users. I have discovered a wonderful Yahoo group of wise hCG users who have had lots of personal experience and success with the protocol, as well as frequenting one of my favorite old haunts, Low Carb Friends, who have an active and helpful hCG Protocol bulletin board. The information is extensive and the support and friendship is exactly what I wanted. I will miss frequenting 3FC, but the fit isn't as good anymore. I'll still be there, but less so.

I am looking forward to providing information on this blog about the protocol and what I am doing, because the more I research the more I believe in it and see a workable, healthy solution to some of the weightloss struggles I have had (restricting calories without hunger or lean mass loss, breaking food addictions and sensitivities, resetting my hypothalamus for a healthier maintenance pattern, etc). It's backed by solid science (including reproducible results from the original, successful protocol) and as far as I can tell is a shockingly healthy way to reshape one's body and get rid of abnormal fat deposits. It sounds so wacky on its' face and the hCG market is rife with scammers and alterations to the original diet, but the basis is simple and effective. I knew NONE of this before researching the heck out of it the past week, and was highly skeptical, but I've become a believer in theory and am looking forward to affirming it in practice.

When my hCG gets here I will do an official set of start pictures and measurements and move on from there. I am still food journalling and recording my weight daily, but I will likely make that information a more frequent feature in daily blogs throughout the duration of the protocol, so others can see what I am doing. I hope I can do the whole thing justice, it is definitely going to be a challenge but one I am more than ready for, after so much time working at calorie counting and maintaining.

First off, happy Thanksgiving yesterday! I hope everyone had a blessed time with their loved ones. I definitely did, with a lot of food to spare ;)

I may have previously mentioned (I can't remember if I did or not, honestly) that I'm officially weaning Seth and lowered my calories. That's worked pretty well and I'm happy to report it wasn't difficult to adjust to slightly less food available. It definitely makes me have to plan more carefully, though!

I'm considering modifying my approach drastically for the next few months, to get off weight more quickly in the time bracket I have before we try for another baby. Something came to my attention that is exactly what I have been looking for and has been used with great success by my mother, I'm considering giving it a go. Maintenance isn't an issue for me, I can honestly say I consider myself a maintenance success after the last three years of minimal weight swings. My biggest regain has been eight pounds? I've kept off 55 or so without issue? Success! Happiness! Yay for me! I honestly count myself a very hopeful story given how many years I have been overweight and then obese.

The thing is, I am still obese, though much, much less. So I am considering going on a medically supervised VLCD (very low calorie diet) with supplementation, to lose a fair chunk quickly, before maintaining again through a pregnancy. The losing is hard for me, holding steady isn't such a challenge. I am generally highly opposed to extreme, fad, chemically diets (which is why I am a calorie counter, of course!) but I've been doing a lot of praying, talking with my husband, and researching this and the science behind it extensively. It honestly looks like a very good choice for me and I'm willing to give it a go. Worst case scenario, I switch back to what is currently working for me, albeit very, very slowly. But given that Seth has weaned and I have an extensive history of tracking both weight and food (required for this approach to be successful, long term), I have no contraindications and am as good a candidate as any. I'm not 100% decided but I'm getting there.

It's nothing I want to advertise or would even recommend to other dieters, but for me I think it is a solid choice and am mulling it.

No other news in these parts other than that my blog is still being weird and I am not going to be able to migrate content to a new site any way but manually copying it in, which is a big hiccup in upgrading. Hubby and I still have to discuss the particulars but one way or another I'm ending up with a new site, it's just a matter of if I have my old stuff there or just begin anew.

My brilliant, though painfully busy, husband is still working various updates to our server after some system updates required adjusting other components to keep them all copasetic, and thus this site is still not at 100%. I couldn't update my sidebar block properly this morning but weighed in at 201.6, which is fairly consistent with the past few days' weigh ins.

I just finished working out and am happy to report I have been on plan thus far this week. Thanksgiving I will focus on a single plate of food, no seconds of anything but green veggies or turkey, and not bother logging (too difficult to estimate when I am only cooking the rolls and dessert, I don't know what my inlaws will add to the food in prep), but since the stuff is relegated to one meal at their home, I'm not to worried about it. If it was at my place and all leftovers stayed with me, we'd have an issue ;)

I am officially weaning Seth, he has all but weaned on his own at this point and I'm cutting off the last 5% of it. He is simply too busy in moving and looking around to eat well and is lazy in latching. He likes sippy cups of milk and the only time he nurses is occasionally before bed and in the early morning, but not well either time, so I'm just moving him to water and calling it good. It was a solid thirteen months of nursing and way better than the barely-six months I managed with the girls, so I'm pretty proud. I really enjoyed our nursing relationship and am a little sad to see it go, but it is time and he doesn't need it anymore.

In response to this and to cut some of the wiggle room out of my diet (I tend to take a mile from an inch, unfortunately) I have dropped my calories back to 1550-1600 a day or so, with a few as closer to 1800, to speed up weightloss and keep me stricter on my totals. If I am unreasonably hungry on it I'll consider bumping it back up, but I think this is a good choice until I am pregnant again. It forces me to make wiser food decisions and that generally begets more of the same, with me.

Nothing else interesting here, other than continued piano practice and, at this time, frantic knitting to get done a bunch of projects with deadlines (cold kids playing outside, friends moving, etc etc). My free time is being spent with none to spare, and the next few days will be a lot of the same with needles clicking while I try not to fall behind on the normal, everyday stuff too.

Not much to say this week, I am suffering from both ovulation-related bloat AND munchy issues, just working through each day the best I can. One of the fabulous things about logging food and blogging it for a few years is noticing my weaknesses and patterns in habits that correlate to hormones, environment, emotion, etc etc. I know myself SO much better than I used to, and that knowledge does indeed help me in this area of my life.

Case in point? I bloat up, regardless of eating habits, when I ovulate and menstruate. Two weeks out of the month, with solid eating and activity habits, I retain a good pound or three of water. With that bloating comes carb cravings and irritability. Knowing this, I can pick and choose my foods or activities to satisfy my cravings or head them off, at least being aware of what is occurring. Also - knowing I am NOT a failure with no willpower. I don't just go nuts every once in awhile, there is a real biological basis for it. All good things (it also helps me tell, really quickly, if something is systemically amiss).

I was bloated up to 201.4 this past weigh day, we'll see what the coming week brings. As ever, for always, I take this day by day, behavior by behavior. Three days this past week,for various reasons, I have exceeded my calories. Tomorrow morning I aim to rectify that with my very next meal. I have noticed when I have a big breakfast I still eat the same amount later in the day, but with less calories to spend. I do much better with a big lunch, moderate dinner and snack in the evening, and a light breakfast starting it off. I can eat more early, I am usually physically hungry for it, but holding off and eating less seems to work out much better. Also, I have been lazy about planning my meals ahead and logging them before I eat. No good. It helps me SO much to stay on plan by having a daily plan laid out, knowing what food is coming, monkeying with it if need be, etc etc. The less I plan the worse I do as two weeks ago vs this week (a well planned week vs. a haphazard one) turned out. Noted and acted upon!

I can't yet tell if I am having sugar cravings due to real and artificial sweeteners, I don't do a lot of the former but have been drinking lots of crystal lite, diet dr pepper, and the like. It may be making some of these cravings worse and I don't need that. If, after another few weeks on plan, I find myself stabbing binge monsters in the eye every night after my diet drink, that might be a clue. It is the thing I am honing in on the most right now.

I'm out for the night, bye!

Well the title says it all, I might bounce around a little due to water weight but I am back on a downward trend from a high of 203-204 to being back down to 199.6 this morning. It's a good feeling and one I will persist in maintaining throughout the day today. One good choice at a time I can do, all the way back down the scale and beyond my lowest low.

Have a great day, too!

I believe I mentioned a few days ago I was having a hard time adhering to what I needed to do. I've been working hard and stuck to my plan all weekend, finally getting over the hump I kept tripping on.

It's snowed here finally and I am enjoying the gorgeous winter scene - lots of tea and knitting in the evening, warm snuggles with the kids, and that cozy feeling only the dark of deep fall can bring around these parts.

Yes, snow shoveling sucks (though it is great exercise!) but I truly love winter and spring dearly. It can be tough to stick on plan around the holidays, but for some reason this time of the year is, historically, a really solid one for me when it comes to health and happiness. I get lots done and feel great, I don't struggle overly with the desire to hibernate or SAD and other light issues. We all have our struggles, I'm always happy that mine are quite malleable and God has been so gracious in helping me work past them.

I'll weigh in on Tuesday, but regardless I am darn proud of myself for getting back on track. This is life - daily choices to make that move us along. As I have always said on this blog, I am working to make good choices most of the time, that are livable, healthy, and suited for me. It's never "lost", "hopeless", or "over" until breath leaves my body. Every day is new, every choice is another one I can consciously and deliberately make to either help or hinder my goals in life - in everything (not just food but how I spend time, treat people, the things I say, etc).

In this season and all others after it, I will keep on doing what I know is right and work hard to live life in a way that glorifies my God, pleases my husband, and gives me that contented, sated feeling at the end of each day. It's the best I can do with the time and health I have been given, and I will *never* give up on trying to my very best in this and all things. I pray you each do the same.

Sorry for the blogs absence, we had a major issue with our collocation service for our server and they ended up breaking a bit of it and having to mail it to us for repairs. My husband cobbled together a mail server on the fly and just got the main one back up last night. It's not at 100% but I have access to my sites again, at least.

Cake decorating is over. Halloween is over. I just suffered an unfortunate miscarriage, but am mostly over that, too. Thus my sugar/stress/busyness/sadness overeating needs to also be done. I am doing daily battle with keeping myself under control and it is probably the toughest struggle in three years of calorie counting and journalling. But I begin every day anew, working hard to stay on plan, and am doing better and better. I'm bouncing around between 200-203 which is about thirteen pounds higher than I'd like to be, but I am nowhere near giving up and keep on doing what I know works. It's just a matter of adherence and the devil is in the details ;)

The good news is I am working out much more consistently, usually four out of the five weekdays I set about to do it (and the one day I don't is a morning where I have bible study first thing and have to get kids ready). I am usually on plan for two to three of my meals, which is also good. It is the evening that is *killing* me lately, with snacking that blows an otherwise on-plan day and it's become compulsive again. My major challenge this week is to uproot that renewed compulsively to eat when I'm not hungry and just say no to myself when the urge comes on. I've done this before, I *know* that a few days of doing it makes the whole thing easy, it is just the initial hump of compliance I am struggling with.

Still, this is a doable process for me and I am determined to get back down and then some. With this miscarriage (I lost the very little one on Halloween) ends our brief time of trying to conceive this year, unless my husband changes his mind. We need a baby due either before or after the election season, if possible, and this was the last time this year I could have a baby due before August. I'm sad, of course, and that has compounded some of my eating issues, but I am also taking this as a bit of a blessing in and of itself, as now I have four months until we begin tring again in Feb 2012, in which I can get my weight as low as possible. Along with continuing my hard work in piano and knitting up a storm, it is these aforementioned healthy endeavors that are my main focus right now. My goal is to be below 190 when I conceive next, unless we try again before the agreed on time... That gives me PLENTY of time to hit that new low before another baby (and earn myself a new handbag in the process, which is still a very lucrative goal on my list).

Wish me the best, I need all the help I can get!

Cake decorating class? SO not helping the diet. I am a finger/bowl/spoon licker, so every time I have a dirty dish I find myself sampling the sweet goodness, practically before I even realize it. It's like naughty food prep reflex action.

I've been on plan and off Fairly equally the past week and need to tighten it up. Fortunately this coming Monday is the last where I'm required to make pounds of icing and baked goods. Thus, I can remove temptation and win the day. I'm looking forward to it, because this doing-well-whoops-try-again cycle is getting annoying.

199.2 today.

(and no, it's not a suppository***)

After being up above 200 since the Fairbanks trip, I weighed in today at 199.0 which, though still about nine pounds over my lowest weight, is a step in the right direction and more comfortable. I said I'd never let myself get back up there and I meant it, which included buckling down in very short order to rectify the regain. I'm working on it and praying for strength, it seems to be helping.

We decided on what we are you to do about my websites - Peter has about a day left on our last yard project for this season (which is good, because the ground keeps freezing hard and snow is falling) and then he has to clean up and organize his office for a winter of hard programming on his software. Since the personal website I need includes a somewhat tricky database widget, he decided he will crunch on that a bit now and finish that first, before beginning his personal stuff. So in the next two or three weeks we should be ready with a combined crafty, piano, weight site for me, that will essentially pool all my thoughts and interests onto different pages but more readily and easily available. It wll also streamline these seperate blogs. They will still be seperate and have their own tabs (I didn't want to use one blog and just tag things differently, I need more separation and features for each one that that) but checking out what I'm doing will be three clicks and some scrolling, not entering in three different web addresses and checking each individually.

It should be good stuff, I think, and greatly increase the functionality for me.

So that's what is new with me. This past week has been getting back into the swing of things after the trip and knitting my hands off, I need to strike a balance this coming week of not oversleeping (my schedule got off on the trip) so I have ample time to do my morning stuff and then disciplining myself to relegate the knitting to the evenings and not try to do it during the day, when I have chores or piano practice ;)

All in all, it's moving in the right direction. I just need to keep it that way.

*** points to anyone who gets the reference

We just returned from our four day trip up north to Fairbanks, visiting friends and attending a meeting there. I am SO glad to be back! Nonstop takeout and junk food took its' toll and bounced me up the scale with sodium and probably a solid pound or two, I'm giving it a week back on my normal eating and activity schedule to see what the real situation is. Once again, I have solidified in my own little brain that I am a creature who thrives on routine. On the fly, traveling, crazy busyness just isn't for me!

I just got off the bike this morning with an easy, respectable 7.8 miles and bible study tucked away. Today will also be busy, but for different reasons. I am doing a cake decorating class with a friend and have to run around for supplies and bake up a cake to work on tonight. This is fortuitous, as it is also my littlest one's birthday! That's right, little Seth is one today. And yes, it is going by way too fast.

I'm going to decorate his cake in class tonight and we'll probably celebrate tomorrow evening, so if my camera is cooperating I should have some cute pictures to follow.

I'm off to the shower and on with my day. Wish me luck!

Just a quick update - things are still good in this house, schedule is working well. Yesterday I was feeling a little run down and exhausted so I skipped the morning stuff and regretted it, so despite getting about four hours of sleep I still managed to complete a chapter of the study and get half an hour (and eight miles) on the bike.

Now, the greater task: try not to drag the rest of the day!

Good morning!

With only a little sleepiness and gritting of teeth I have begun my slightly modified daily schedule. The kids have a setup that already works, so it has just been a matter of tweaking my time to make room for all the important things (bible study, exercise, piano practice, husband time, etc etc) without foregoing too much sleep. I essentially swapped my exercise and piano practice blocks, as I was sleeping through the piano way too much and my brain wasn't awake enough when I DID practice to do much effective work. So now I am waking just before 7:00, doing my bible study until 7:30, and then working out from 7:30-8:00 am. I'd love to have hour blocks for both the study and working out, but that has me waking up early enough that I couldn't stick with it when I tried. This is much more doable. Piano practice got bumped to the 3:00-4:00 pm slot, right before I wake the kids from their naps and begin dinner prep.

The thing I think has been missing most from my time lately is self discipline. I've gotten lazy and complacent as a default, just getting by, and it crept into multiple parts of my life - eating, worship, fitness, and yes, even meal prep and parenting. But as with every other time I have tried to 'relax' my personal standards and spend more time in leisure or relaxation, I have gotten thoroughly sick of the result which is constantly feeling lazy, behind the curve, and seeing a mounting pile of unfinished tasks. Extra sleep or a few more minutes reading a book just isn't worth that, especially when I have found that if I discipline myself to get to bed when both me AND my husband need it, I manage to get everything done WITH enough rest to manage it all. Go figure, right?

As a Christian I am supposed to be characterized by wisdom and self discipline, not laziness and foolishness. I know this intellectually, and yet I find I must be vigilant, year and after, to walk in the manner I know God has commanded me and not slip into what I find temporarily convenient, but what ultimately costs me far more than it affords. There are a plethora of scripture on this topic - especially in Proverbs - but as always the Bible has no power unto itself to change men. I really had to go cry out to God and beg Him to control my will in these areas to overcome this sin I have struggled with my whole life (a lack of diligence in the taste set before me). Even knowing what to do wasn't enough - I had to put it into action and I praise the Lord He changed my heart enough to manage. On my own power I can't make it through a single day in the manner I need to, as the past few months have shown.

Lesson learned and hopefully remembered. One task at a time I need to be diligent. This crosses into cleaning, crafts, eating, the way I instruct my children - having a hard working attitude and a willingness to say no to myself to serve others as I am commanded is necessary in almost every moment of my day as a mother and wife. This is the calling the Lord has given me, I will answer and fulfill it joyfully and to the best of my ability. For me, that means rising early and consistently and beginning my day with a study of the Word and a disclipline to take care of my body. I need it in good shape to do everything else I have on my list, after all!

This morning began a new study by Paul Washer called "The One True God", which is a free ebook I cannot recommend heartily enough: http://www.worshipatsgbc.org/Web%20Messages/OneTrueGod-Ed3-online.pdf

It was then capped with 7.7 miles on the bike, and now I'm off to wake the kids, shower, and proceed with the rest of the morning.

As for the site issues, I talked with Peter and we both agree a redesign and combining of all my sites is in order. I need to investigate other journal editors as I am not great with JAWS. With any luck that project of expanding and combining the site will commence in a few weeks' time.

Off to get de-sweated ;)

Well, I haven't poked my husband about setting up another blog for me, but it's on the list. I did, however, want to give good news on the diet and exercise front - I'm officially back in the saddle! I was on plan yesterday and today without issue, and even got in 7.5 miles on the bike this afternoon.

Now I just have to keep this up, one day at a time. That's all it ever is - not fifty pounds or marathons, but another solid meal or set of steps. One good habit replacing a bad one. Momentum.

Given my rear hasn't graced that bike seat in two months and some change, it was important to note this day in bloggy history ;)

I feel like I need to account for my time spent on here, since I'm not exercising but not off the wagon, either! I'm considering adding a tab for my piano related stuff as I want to talk about it, but my weight loss buddies probably aren't interested. Any thoughts?

On the weight loss front, I haven't managed to balance back in exercise yet, it is still woefully lacking. For no reason other than strength and endurance I want to get that back in, but I don't see much good in forcing it when I am already tired, either. Dilemmas, indeed! On the food front, I'm at about 60/40 good eating to lazy, indulgent eating. I still need to get that under control but every day I am hanging in there. Most of the time I am doing fabulously until about 8:00 pm, and then I snack or at dessert and kill it. It's head hunger, not physical, and so I really just need to exercise my 'no' muscle and close the kitchen or drink tea, and that is my challenge to myself this week.

I've been forgetting to weigh most mornings, for some reason, so my progress tracking has been lazy, but I feel like I am mostly maintaining. There are certainly worse things to do than that! We're coming upon the time to try for another baby and so that is much of my motivation to drop another ten or fifteen pounds and maintain there (and I still need a new purse!), please be praying for me as I work at seeing the 180's before another baby. I really wanted to be in the 160's, but I couldn't anticipate the months of complacency, sickness, and food struggles this summer and fall turned into. And since I am in this for this, I am fairly gentle with myself and my 'failings' in food, which is just one of those lifelong character struggles I have to manage. It's doable, but I accept it isn't linear and I'm still learning and trying to further shape habits I have had for years. I've been successful in losing and keeping all but about four pounds off, I just need to take a stepwise approach and reform that little bit more to make more progress down the scale. Little, permanent changes are the name of my game, and it isn't a quick or easy process, but it is one I can stick with (and that is what matters!).

This morning was 197.6, for no particular reason. That's acceptable, but I don't like it. So now all that remains is to do the work and better it. I'm up for the challenge!