General

Can I tell you how excited I am to have permission to eat the kind of breakfasts I find most satisfying, after sifting throu all the drivel that pushed carbs and low fat for YEARS? It's the kind of happy that is enthusiastic and annoying to others, to put it lightly ;)

This morning I had six ounces of leftover Parmesan grilled chicken thighs (skinless, boneless, because that's what lived in my freezer), two pieces of bacon, a tbsp of coconut oil (with a little stevia and cocoa, it tastes like candy while really helping my digestion and inflammation), some coffee with a tbsp of cream. This clocks in (with generous assumptions on the olive oil in the chicken dredging) at just under 580 calories and satisfies me for hours. High fat, moderate protein, almost no carbohydrates to speak of. I supplement this with a small salad and some fruit for lunch and I am good until dinner, with well over 1000 calories to spare for it, if I am actually that hungry (I usually am not). It makes for a satisfying, filling way of eating that tastes great while not sparking cravings or the vicious cycle of dietary inflammation I battled for years prior.

I love bread, oatmeal, sugary treats, and even low fat yogurt, but none of these foods are actually healthy for my body and I respond terribly to them. Eliminating them (for the most part, the occasional bite isn't an issue) permanently seems like so much less of a hardship when seed butters, fruit, creamed greens, and roasted meats replace them. Whole foods, prepared with healthy fats, are the focus of my weight maintenance diet. It keeps calories, satiety, and nutrients all in optimal ranges for my particular body's needs and is not only doable but enjoyable long term. Processed foods like bread, margarine, diet ANYTHING, or sugars, are what I avoid like the plague these days. It is no hardship, and that is what makes maintenance that much more simple. I already know how to move, eat mindfully, watch my portions, etc... The composition of the food is the final piece of the puzzle.

With that in mind, for me the food looks like lots of animal and some plant fat (a little olive or coconut oil, lots of lard and butter) someone protein, and filling the rest in with fruit and veggie roughage with the occasional treat of chocolate or a little cheese. Down the road in P4 (long term maintenance) I'm going to work in about 400 calories or two servings a day of low inflammation starches like white rice, plantains, bananas, taro, starchy winter squashes, and the like. The rare serving of bread or wine also won't break the bank, but those can't really be a part of my daily diet and have me looking and feeling my best.

Many of my dieting friends probably think I've gone off the deep end, but what constitutes success and health for each of us varies depending on our bodies and needs, and this is where mine is. It's a great feeling to finally find that sweet spot where I'm not fighting my food for dominant health of my body. Eliminating the problem items and pinpointing which ones were the real issue has been SO helpful, the weight loss is just an fabulous bonus. The hCG has aided in my appetite control and hunger cues to such a level I can barely express the full extent of the blessing it has been. All these little pieces are working together for my health and it makes me SO happy.

The last piece is exercise, and finding a routine I like that strengthens me. That will be taken care of in the next week when I begin my new routine (I'm awaiting my book right now!). I hope TTap is the magic bullet of strength and flexibility I need, and if it isn't then I am going back to "New Rules of Lifting For Women" and building strength that way. But regardless of the specifics, I have a general idea of what plan I need to follow to really build my body the way I want and that is most functional for me, so that's a step in the right direction, too.

All this post is to say that I'm not insane, weird, or going off the nutritional deep end. But I am adopting a paradigm that is dietary heresy to many, and yet is saving my health appreciably each day. Stick with me and let the results speak for themselves over the next few years, yes?

Well I can say with confidence now that a little full fat dairy, at least doesn't seem to be netting me appreciable inflammation on the scale or throughout my body. That's good, because a little cheese and cream is a favorite of mine, even though I have zero desire to chug milk or even eat a bowl of icecream.

My weight today, with full maintenance calories, 70% of which came from dietary fat, was 176.4. Well within my window, a new low, and all around good times :). The refeed of fat and protein has me feeling and looking great, and overall very satisfied. I even ate a restaurant item (low carb version of the six dollar burger from Carl's Jr.) as my dinner item last night and had no ill effects. It is nice to have some flexibility to eat out again, even though I don't do it more than once every week or two, and have it be no issue.

I am still measuring and calorie counting until I get a better feel for my maintenance window, but I'm also listening to my hunger cues. My mother was right when she made the prediction that I'd be ravenously hungry for a few days into P3 as my body replenished its' protein and fat stores, so I am more inclined to overeat right now than I'd otherwise be, but not by much. So I need a little more structure these days than I will in a week or two. It was the same way in P2 - I calorie counted for the first two weeks to get an idea of what the daily foods needed to look like to reach 500, and then when I'd memorized the basic portions and my hunger cues began working again (yay!) I could stay well within the limit without struggle and didn't need to log to lose weight or not overeat. I'm aiming for that again. I will likely always write down my food for accountability, but I like being in the place where it is just noting items item and not tallying against my daily total to keep me on the straight and narrow. It is a subtle difference, but the former has me with better control of myself and more harmonious feelings about eating than the latter!

Today should be fun - we're going to a friend's house for the girls to play and me to chat. I hope my dietary needs don't put her out too much, though!

Yesterday was just about heavenly, when it comes to the satisfaction of eating food after being on such a strict course. I had fair amounts of both heavy cream and sunflower seed butter (nuts and dairy) which can cause some people problems with weight swings, but even with the extra food volume in my digestive tract I still weighed in well inside my window at 177.2 today. Yay!

I was brave and tried a few new foods to see if I could add them to my daily diet. And I must say, both the sunflower butter and sardines (not together!) were surprisingly tasty.

In terms of satiety, it looks like a larger breakfast, light lunch as my hunger dictates, and larger dinner is the ticket for me. I get hungry enough in the middle of the day that I can't just get by with breakfast until 5:00 pm, but my appetite for lunch (when I am listening to my stomach) isn't generally substantial. Yesterday I had grapefruit and some celery with sunbutter and that was enough to satisfy me for a few hours. Breakfast was am omelet, bacon, and coffee, but I think I'm cutting out the coffee and just sticking with the chai tea I have grown used to. It's lighter and more satisfying. Dinner was roasted chicken thighs rolled in olive oil, Parmesan, and spices, along with a broccoli/carrot/cauliflower veggie mix and some berries with cream. I reached my daily fat goal of about 70% of my calories coming from fat, and my calorie totals were somewhere around 1900-2000 calories for the day (I counted portions generously, so it is tough to say). That's all right in the range I want to be and none of the foods seemed to cause any problems except my system initially getting a little shocked by the fat after six weeks without any dietary fat at all.

Today I'll proceed on in much the same fashion, I'm still watching nuts, dairy, and cheese closely but it doesn't look like they'll cause problems. My biggest issue this morning is that I have woken up with a nasty headache that I think is due to barometric pressure changes (we went from below zero and dry to above freezing and sleet/rain in the space of two days) and that is making the thought of waking up the kids and listening to the daily noise a little less attractive than it might otherwise be >_<

I'll report in of my head explodes or anything interesting happens!

The much-anticipated day has arrived - as of breakfast this morning (in about half an hour) I'm maintaining for six weeks. The first three I can eat anything but sugar and starch, and must remain in my +-2 lb window on either side of my last dose weight (176.8), the second three week period I will be reintroducing some 'safe' starches and a small bit of sugar to figure out where the balance is that doesn't make me regain weight or have inflammatory responses. My daily diet will be permanently light on sweets and grains, with limited dairy (a little cream, some cheese, yogurt, etc), and very occasionally I will have a roll at a restaurant or a sub sandwich. I'm working at 80-90% permanent healthy dietary compliance long term, so the second half of maintenance (P4) will be the process of me finding out what I can eat in small quantities and what makes me feel sick, regain, etc. That will create my new food list as to what is verboten for my system.

It sounds complicated but it really isn't - eat, log, watch the scale and listen to my body's response. And P3 will be similar. I can essentially eat anything I want except sugar and starch and will just continue daily weighing to maintain my weight, doing a correction day or upping the calories depending on how I shift outside my window.

This morning's weight was right on target again - 176.8 - and measurements are as follows (parentheses are the change in measurements from 1/24/12)

Waist - 34 in (0.0)

Hips - 44 in (-1.5)

Bust - 43.5 in (0.0)

Underbust - 35 in (0.0)

Thigh - 22 in (-1)

Upper Arm - 13.5 in (-.5)

So I lost a little, even in just a week. I am down 3.6 pounds from the previous measurements' weight, and dropped 3 inches to go with it, off of unexpected places. Typically my legs, arms, and hips haven't budged much, so maybe they were due, but overall I am now fitting well into size 14 tops and 14-16 jeans, depending on the cut and brand. For my first round I am extremely pleased with my losses, both pounds AND inches! And while maintaining it will be anticlimactic from a blog perspective, it is an absolutely crucial step before I go and lose more weight. The high fat, moderate protein, high fiber diet of P3 is designed specifically to encourage my body to create a strong set point at this new weight, which will help me maintain and refeed my body's stores to aid in continued losses in the next round. The mental break of being off P2 can't be overstated, either. This is NOT a diet that is intended to go on forever. It is a phase to be done briefly, it is very effective, and the real benefits of the plan are to heal the body's systems and recalibrate the hormones relating to eating and fat storage so that we (the former obese) function more like normal bodies, not ones that constantly seek excess food energy and store fat so readily.

Dr. Simeons goes into this in much detail in "Pounds and Inches", but the short of it is that this experiment of mine, thus far, has worked perfectly, and I can recommend hCG weightloss to those willing and able to stick to the very prescriptive specifics without reserve. But as with ANY diet plan, you must stick to it and be willing and able to continue maintenance behaviors, or you WILL regain. The hCG and protocol it is used with makes it a little harder for your body to do that, but not impossible. Vigilance is required and maintaining your weight and health is a daily process of accountability and good choices.

On a slightly less serious topic, my breakfast today! I am planning on an omelet (two eggs, a little cheese, bell pepper, onion, sautéed in lard), some bacon, and a little coffee with cream. We'll see how that holds me over until lunch. I'm watching my fat amounts (they need to be high) and my hunger cues very carefully throughout this process, am aiming for around 2000 calories a day to see what the scale does.

Lunch will likely be a giant salad with homemade cilantro dressing (sooooo good!), dinner will be braised short ribs, some vegetable side dish (likely lots of broccoli and cauliflower with bacon) and some blueberries with cream.

You cannot believe how decadent and satisfying this sounds to me right now. I don't even miss sugar and bread, because the richness of the meat and veggies and a smidge of dairy sounds just that good ;)

Today finds me right back on top of my maintenance range, smack dab at 176.8 again. This is very good and exactly where I want to remain. When fats, protein, and a little more variety and fruits and veggis get increased tomorrow, I will be watching each item and quantity carefully to establish what appropriate foods and quantities allow me to maintain in this range of two pounds up or down from my last dose weight, and adjust accordingly. It will be even more crucial in P4, three weeks from now, when I add some starch and tiny bits of sugar (like mango or a date, some extra dark chocolate... Oreos, sugary coffee drinks, doritos, and their ilk have been banished semi-permanently. They won't have anyplace in my house or daily diet, but I don't swear I won't have a bite at a Christmas party in three years ;).

Given that starch and sugar is where my cravings are, that transition will be the more challenging of the two. It annoys the calorie counter in me that I have to ban certain foods from my diet as much as possible, but those foods make me sick and fat and life isn't fair. There are so many wonderful things I CAN eat, that are nutritious and strengthening for me, focusing on the whole world of possibilities within that realm rather than the pitiful, flavorless, artificial junk works much better for me. At this point my palate is unaccustomed to normal sweetness and even rich food, in general. I plan on keeping my mouth delighted with rich, savory, healthful fare and keeping the sugar and sugar substitutes to an absolute minimum. If I don't start down that road, I can't fall down the rabbit hole, you know?

So this is my very last day of VLCD for six weeks (minimum), and while I can't say I am sad to see it go, I admit that food is very simple when my choices are so straightforward. I am keeping that mold as my path to success, in that I am building my maintenance diet around similar types of foods that are nutrient rich and nutrient dense, with fat, fiber, and protein to keep me sated. I'm also keeping a list of no-go foods to keep myself maintaining well, and the trick will be continuing to listen to my newly discovered hunger cues and not falling back into straight calorie counting (where I find myself eating food because I allotted for it, not because of real hunger). I'm going to watch myself like a hawk when using my logging app (Loseit!) that the quantities I am inputting is just for macronutrient accuracy and that I don't slip back into the log it/eat it all mentality that is easy to do.

Tomorrow is measurement day. I don't think I've lost anything significant in the last 3-4 pounds but it will give me a nice baseline to work from for the next round. I mentioned my maintenance goals of staying in my window and adding more exercise last post, and I'll add to that my desire to start the next round at my last dose weight from this one, and lose another 15-20 pounds to put me in the 160-165 range. I'd love to be lower, but that depends on my body and I can't control the scale. Knowing the protocol, a reasonable expectation to lose half a pound a day is about all I'll bet on ;)

I couldn't think of a snappy title, so you get a long, but descriptive, one instead!

Thanks to my bowels, I weighed in at 177.6 this morning. It's always a good reminder that the scale just weighs YOU, and you have a whole lot of metabolic processes going on at any given time that make your weight slide around a bit. Inches lost, increased energy and vitality, a downward scale trend overall, these are the indictors I recommend looking to for success if you don't have a strong scale detachment like I do.

My TOM is still staying tapered off, just a bit of spotting which I have discovered hCG causes for me. So I'm sticking with this transition and calling it good, no need to dose with extra hCG and do more days. Thanks to my mother reminding me, I'm also looking to read through and start a TTap exercise routine. I was thinking of starting Callanetics again but it is a little tough on my neck and back, as well as being a LONG routine, which TTap is not. That, plus starting a dance class, are my reward activities right now. I'm looking into local belly dancing instructors, as it is something I have always been interested in. And building up my core muscles will help my back alignment immensely, as well as be beneficial for things like childbirth. I have a weaker core than I should, and I'm really convicted that it is time to rectify it.

I admit I still love my Leslie Sansone DVDs and recumbent bike, but the vacuum in my fitness is muscle related, not endurance or cardio based. I honestly do enough moving around during the day that I don't think I am doing a whole lot for my health with my exercise time by doing moderate cardio. Strength training is where it is at, and I am one of those gals who is naturally inclined to it and enjoys it. Thus, my next set of goals includes getting regular with my morning exercise time being dedicated to things like TTap or even resistance bands, instead of bike time. The latter is more relaxing, but I need to us my time more beneficially than that!

Nothing much else to note - I got a TON of weight compliments at church yesterday, I must be looking slimmer to friends (finally) and wearing my size 14 jacket and 16 pants, along with some nice heels to give me a little height, drove the point home. I've decided final measurements WILL be coming on Wednesday, right before I start P3, so I have a baseline to see how much more might come off my body during my maintenance break. Everything else is in a holding pattern right now, which makes my posts a bit boring ;)

Yes, the caplocks were necessary. My period has tapered off for the most part, the symptoms are gone to the point where I am comfortable transitioning off the hCG (I'm kind of going back and forth on doing another three days, just to be SURE my hormones don't interfere with stabilizing, but I don't think it's necessary. I'm mulling still...), and I reached and exceeded my goal of losing 30 pounds this round!

Day 40, my last hCG dose day unless I change my mind, saw me weighing in at 176.8! I blew right past 177, so from my starting load weight of 207.4 to today, I am down 30.6 pounds! WOOHOOOOOOO!

Barring any last minute changes of my plans, I now have 72 hours to remain on the VLCD and let the hCG leave my system before entering P3 on Wednesday morning. P3 is a time when I have lots of protein, fat, and fiber, but NO sugar or starch, and work on keeping my weight in a two pound range on either side of today's last dose weight of 176.8. That means the next three weeks I need to keep my weight between 174.8 and 178.8, or I must do a correction day to get it back within range. Calories are maintenance level, and other than no sugar or starch (including abstaining from some fruits and veggies that are too high on either of those counts, like mango or potatoes), it's normal food. I hope I stabilize well and it isn't a fight for me.

I might take one more picture to mark the end of this round, and more measurements, too. Let me mull over it and get back with my thoughts later. Right now, it's time to get ready for church. Adios!

Yes indeed, Ladies Craft Night went very well and I stayed on plan despite the effluvience of goodies. I had two crackers that were there because I forgot to pack my grissini and that was the equivalent calories' worth of starch, but everything else just got sniffed, admired, and passed over as I crafted.

I'm hoping it wasn't just dehydration from not getting enough water last night, but this morning I was down to 178.0. That's just ONE POUND away from my goal. And since my TOM appears to be tapering down, unless I have an unexpected resurgence I am making tomorrow, Day 40, my last dose day. Then I have 72 hours from that last dose to continue my VLCD and I am in P3 by Wednesday morning. It's actually here, I'm so excited! Not only do I get to focus on stabilizing and maintaining, but I might actually get to do it at my goal of 177 - which would be 30 pounds lost in this round, 80 pounds total loss since I began in October of 2008.

Wow, right?

I know I'm thrilled about it, I am so ready to make this weight my set point and progress forward to another round or two afterward. I look great, if friends and family are to be believed, and I FEEL great, too.

This morning I am down .8 lbs to 179.0. I'm in the middle of my TOM and doing well in terms of cravings, mood swings, etc. if the hCG is supposed to stimulate the endometrial lining and create heavier periods, I haven't noticed. Mine are as heavy as ever, but nothing unmanageable, so the injections will proceed as normal.

Tonight in my monthly Ladies Craft Night and I am a little sad I'm still on the VLCD portion of my diet. I wanted to be transitioned to P3 for this but it was not to be, so I have to abstain from my monthly treat and social time - at least the 'treat' portion of it!

I'm planning on bringing pickled cucumbers from my dinner vegetable allowance to snack on, as well as tea and sparkling water. The Capella drops I mentioned before are PHENOMENAL and make killer Italian sodas when mixed with stevia, so that will be my 'treat' along with some caffeine that doesn't require creamer.

I am making a peach coffee cake for everyone else. I know how good that recipes tastes, but as of right now my temptation to eat it, myself, is really quite low. Good thing, right? The weight loss and desire to lose this last two pounds on this round is very, very motivating to me to stick to my guns and NOT cheat myself out of them. I really think I can make it or get darn close over these last few days on my period and that coffee cake is not my friend when it comes to how it makes me feel. In future craft nights it might be worth it to have a small slice of cake or a cookie that aren't grain or sugar free, but my standard daily fare is definitely going to be as close to devoid of those things as possible, so the occasions I DOnhave them don't break the dietary bank and make me gain, have immune responses, etc.

Tonight I will be plying one of my weaker crafts - sewing. I have a few projects to complete (altering a previously made skirt, hemming some pants that were given to me by a much taller friend, finishing two aprons I already started) as well as beginning work on a new skirt. I bought the pattern for it when I was in the 190's and was one of the largest pattern sizes, and now I am the very bottom size offered and that might be too loose and need adjusting! So I wanted to make a few skirts out of it now, while it still fits, and I can just take them in as I shrink more. Sewing is one of those things I am fairly competent in, but I dislike cutting patterns and fabric, and do better when drafting my own patterns than following someone else's. But on terms of fit and style, the professional patterns have an edge and so I'm suffering through my dislike of them to get the final product. I think at least some of my reticence is due to being unconfident and inexperienced with the execution of them, and that I might enjoy this type of sewing more the more I do it. There's only one way to find out, right?

Anyway, craft night looks to be both enjoyable and a little disappointing, all at once. But I can do anything for six weeks, including abstaining from the tasty baked goods of my friends :)

Not much to report in - weight is unchanged from yesterday at 179.8, eating is fine, cycle is progressing, clothes still fit awesome.

In fact, on the subject of clothes, I do have one thing to excitedly report - I have this picture in my 'before' heap, and it has been highly motivating for me to aim for that weight and appearance as an initial goal:

I still have that tunic and skirt, which I sewed with a friend and her mother when I was fourteen or newly fifteen, if I recall. The skirt has tabs on the waist that can be pinned to adjust the fit tighter or looser, though it can be tied in a knot if it's getting loose.

Now, I am positive I am still ten pounds away from my weight in that picture, and that my shape has changed to a more curvy, womanly one in the intervening decade since it was taken.

But the skirt spent all of yesterday knotted around my waist. While my hips and bosom are much more shapely, my waist circumference is the same as it was back then. If that isn't a non-scale victory, I don't know what is!

Yes indeed, I was down at 179.8 today, and thus have finally, officially earned a new (nice) purse, whenever we can fit it in the family budget. It was my reward to myself for reaching 180, and the reward for 170 is a new wallet to go with it.

I've decided to just dose through this TOM instead of skipping three doses, as I mentioned a week or so ago, to comprise to my previous experience and decide which works better for me. I have my baseline weightloss from the previous period and so we'll see if the hCG makes any difference during it or not. The protocol recommends skipping three doses for the three heaviest period days, but many women don't skip and have no issues, so it seems to be a personal preference.

Beyond that, not much more to say. I have online purse shopping to do!

As mentioned in the previous post with my measurements included, it is time for new pictures since I hit the bottom of another ten pound milestone. Weeeeee!

Excuse the silly face, my husband was doing his typical make-the-wife-laugh routine. I don't see much of a change when I look in the mirror, it is nothing hugely dramatic, but I do see subtle changes between this picture and last month's shot. A well fitted shirt makes a difference, too!

I'm really happy with the progress in this shift in pounds. I'm beginning to look more 'normal', even though I'm still medically obese for another ten or so pounds. My husband claims there's been big changes and he loves it, but I can't see anything dramatic. I think more of that has to do with the skewed view I had of myself as I went up the scale, rather than dysmorphia going down. When I got heavier, I still thought I looked fine, you know? I wasn't really 'seeing' the weight, but rather seeing myself how I used to look. So now that I look like that again, it seems like everything righting itself rather than any big shift downward, because I didn't see the initial gain accurately or realistically. That's denial for you!

And now the side shots. 180.4:

VS 190.4 for comparison:

This is where I see more differences than straight on. My jawline is changing, sure, but losing much of that mummy tummy pooch from the c-section and subsequent weight gain and loss. My hips and belly look a lot more streamlined, as does the fat distributed through my back. It's just... less. No better way to put it.

And yes, I hide a surprising amount of hair in my bun every day, don't I?

That pink shirt was one of the cute hauls I got at Salvation Army last week. It's a little long in the sleeves and runs small, but in another few pounds (and with rolled sleeves or a cute blazer) it will be perfect!

I'm very pleased with my losses right now, there's no denying it. I have five or so more days I expect to be in the VLCD phase, thanks to TOM, and then I have six weeks to keep my weight as stable as possible (no gains OR losses) before trying to lose the next twenty or so. I am incredibly eager to see what I look like at 160 now as an adult instead of a high school soccer player, and I will do cartwheels off the roof with newly sprouted wings when my slight leftover chin/cheek fat goes away. And speaking of facial shots, I didn't have any good ones on this batch of weight photos, so I took a quick snapshot with my cute, but bed-headed, daughters. See you tomorrow morning with (fingers crossed) weight in the 170's? I certainly hope so!

Well, it *will* be picture time, if I actually remember to take some today. I am 180.4, or 26 pounds down from my load weight of 207.4, six-ish weeks ago. Since I have started taking pictures on round numbers, seeing a nice 180 means I can snap a few comparison shots and maybe one for posterity.

My TOM also officially started, though it is a few days late, so now I will remain on the VLCD and hCG shots until the bulk of it ends, then I will transition off the hCG for 72 hours before starting phase three. That's the plan, anyway, and thanks to my cycle's somewhat shady timing I might actually reach 177 as my last dose weight after all, which would be nice. That puts me 80 pounds down from my official start weight on this blog, anyway, and gives me a good number to start from for my second round, too.

I don't know if it was a bug or hormones, after the headache yesterday (that took hours to go away and lots of ibuprofen) my stomach was unhappy and I was dizzy, too. Apparently there is something going around our church right now and I may have caught it, but it feels like it was short lived.

New measurements may also come today, I'm interested to see if the visible losses on the scale and in clothes are as obvious with the tape measure. I have had an overall slimming going on, which means many inches lost aren't at the points the tape measures, but I think there will still be an appreciable difference.

Here are the news measurements, with the ones from 190.4, back on January 3rd, in parentheses.

Total inches lost in the last ten pounds: 10 inches!

Ten inches off my measured points in ten pounds is nothing I can complain about, and the numbers show the trend I am seeing in the mirror - no dramatic reshaping of certain body regions like last time, but losing over the entire fat pad around my body fairly evenly - slightly more in the areas I am prone to gaining (torso) and slightly less in the areas I remain more normal (limbs). But I've definitely noticed an overall slimming and shrinking, which is exactly what I need to have happen.

And for an even greater brain trip, when comparing my current measurements with my original start point at 257, back in October '08, I come up with a whopping 50.5 inches lost in three years! If that isn't motivating, nothing would be!

I'm an airhead. I drank my tea for breakfast yesterday and THEN remembered I hadn't weighed in. I also got lazy and didn't want to take a rest day, in case my period started I wanted to have a dose in, so yesterday was day 33 and I have no data for it. Not the end of the world, but it does foul up my self experiment records just a smidge.

Today though, day 34, was good. The scale dropped with some of my water retention and I was at 181.6, which is 25.8 pounds down from the beginning of the round. If I am in the 180 range tomorrow or the next day it will be picture time again. Woohoo! Two non-scale victories have also occurred - my hosiery and undergarments are not causing rolls and bulges at my waist for the first time in a decade, and my size 16 jeans are not only not giving me any muffin top issues, they're actually getting comfortably loose (not baggy, but not tight either). Yay!

The downside right now is that I have a wicked headache from my TOM and the hormone shifts that accompany it, so now I'm laying down for a nap. But overall I still feel really good, if ready to be done with P2 soon!

As for the fish tank, it is going swimmingly (couldn't resist, sorry!) and the two guppies are doing well. I am a little hesitant to cycle the tank with fish in it, as it is stressful for their systems, but daily water changes (approx. 20%) keep that to a minimum. I missed having fish for a few years, they are my favorite pets to watch and care for!

Yes, the dreaded water retention has struck full force, I'm at 184.2. This is one of the points where logging my weight for a few years is super helpful, because I'm not freaking out that my diet isn't working and I can't lose weight, simply because the scale went up! Though it is unfortunate, this always happens with my monthly cycle and isn't unexpected. The water weight and a few friends will leave soon enough, it just requires continued dietary patience.

In totally unrelated news, I'm setting up my empty aquarium to be a guppy tank for the kids. It's too small to house anything but minnows, danios, or guppies anyway, and I think they'll enjoy the colors and behavior of the fish. My goal down the road is the build a somewhat extensive acrylic tank for a few fancy goldfish (my absolute favorite) and my husband is both familiar with and somewhat skilled in lexan fabrication and chemical welds, so that's a very doable future project. For now, though, in the absence of our guinea pig (we finally had to put him down when he mysteriously broke a leg in his enclosure - he was already seven years old, blind, and increasingly unable to care for himself, so it was time) I think a small fish tank is the route to go for us. Fortunately I enjoy and am experienced in fishkeeping, and I've been waiting for an excuse to set that one back up.

Thus, I'm off to the store today to get new substrate, water conditioner (mine expired in the time between now and the last setup), and some plants to get the cycling started. Should be good!

Creeping along, that is. I am down .2 today, to 182.8 pounds. Not much progress for clean adherence to the diet day after day, but I can't really blame it. See, my period is due today or tomorrow, if the hCG didn't throw it off, and I always retain water leading up to and during my TOM. While I'm not thrilled it halts the scale, it usually makes for a nice whoosh a few days in. It also explains the mental cravings I was having the past few days - premenstrual hormonal munchies, clearly! And I didn't die by not feeding the desire, either ;)

I really hope my cycle resets right now, as that makes concluding on the hCG much less tricky (you are not supposed to transition off it during your period as it leads to stabilization problems) and this would give me another week of injections or so before I cleanly conclude the VLCD portion, with no song and dance or wondering about how many additional injections to do to offset the hormonal issues TOM brings about when it coincides with the hCG. So as much as I hate the first week of a new cycle, the timing is fairly ideal and it takes the guesswork out of how to conclude this course. It also gives me plenty of time to get closer to my goal, since I CAN'T stop in the middle of it, and takes away the decisions on when to end that I have been waffling over.

So the water retention isn't my favorite, nor is the hormonal snappiness, but this would work out for the best. Unlike the last TOM I am not stopping injections for three days in the middle. I did it once and saw how my body and the scale reacted (not too bad, actually!) as a baseline, so now I'm going to test what the alternative course of action does to me. Stay tuned for science experiments updates ;)

Not much to report in, I am down another .4 pounds to 183.0, with 182.8 flickering in there, too. Slow and steady losses at a slightly lower rate than at the beginning seems to be my lot. That means it will likely take me a full 40 day course to get at or near my goal, which is not what I wanted but it seems to be what my body is happy with. The difference is just a few days, I can make it. Maximum, I have 13 more days on a VLCD before transitioning up to normal calories with high protein, fat, and fiber, but no sugar or starch. It's so close I can taste the steak ;)

Inches are still coming off appreciably. I am not sure they are easy to measure, as it seems the spots I measure are changing minimally, but I am losing in more than just those select data points and the overall effect on my shape is pretty dramatic. I'm nowhere near my goal and still technically obese until the 160's, if I recall, but it's quite the vast visual and health improvement from class three morbid obesity I started out with! The entire thing is a slow, necessary process, and it takes vigilance to maintain it, but I'm ready. My head has been sorted out and my choices are clear, so now it is just a daily working and waiting game, to get the weight off. We'll see how well I stabilize in P3. My next goal is to keep my fluctuations on the scale to the minimum range and really reset my weight there, and I'm eager to get started. But the psychological difference of maintaining in the range of the 170's as opposed to the 180's is huge and worth sticking out a few more voluntary days on this diet.

It is worth noting that the food, especially well seasoning, is far from miserable on this plan. It is healthy and satisfying. My desire to move off the VLCD is less to do with the food I can eat and more a desire for some of the things I can't. More core eating will remain similar - slow eating, smaller portion sizes, food heavy on nourishing components like vegetables and animal protein/fat, with the condiments and accoutrements being things like berries or the occasional chocolate and rice when I hit P4. But the underlying basis of healthy, low-glycemic-impact nutrition with a focus on satiety and hunger cues remains. Ironically it is the way I began this weight journey, with the Don't Go Hungry Diet, and it is the way I will end. Those principles and recommendations, by and large are the same as what I have decided to maintain on. It was and is an excellent diet with solid advice and in the low-inflammation, Paleo vein of thought. Even when I began it, it worked very well for making me healthy and aware of my nutritional needs. The problem was that I maintained on it but didn't lose well. Losing is my problem. But now that I have a vehicle to lose weight, having a healthy maintenance plan already in place is a huge boon to me and will help me immensely down the road.

I say all this to explain that weight loss and health are journeys, and not straight shots down a highway, either. They are winding, with detours and scenic routes and rest stops and even a few blown tires here and there. But everything we learn, every place we pass, has something to teach us. And those lessons that we're learned back in the past are all a part of our progress and can be necessary to us in the most unexpected ways in the future. Coming somewhat full circle over the course of three years is hilarious to me, honestly. And I am SO grateful that the Lord guided me on this path as he did, where I was fortunate enough to begin my weight loss with sensible advice, adjust it with more sensible advice, and come across this section that ties it all together and supplies the missing piece I needed to make the earlier part of the journey work with the destination. HCG has been incredible for me, learning to measure and log food has been such a boon for my awareness, and learning to watch and listen to what my body is telling me regarding nutrition and my emotions, as I first began, is still as wise and useful as ever. That the nutritional approach I was sold on way back in the beginning and moved away from somewhat, in the quest for lower calories, has turned full circle to be my path for maintenance with only minimal adjustments?

Well, let's just say I'm as confident as ever that I don't do this by my own power, but through diligence and perseverence prayed for and received. God is faithful in our challenges, and though His ways don't always make sense to us at the time, it is always for his glory. I am losing weight to be a better steward of my body and a more able servant in my home. It is good to be reminded of both why I am doing this (family), where the journey ends (standing accountable before the throne of God), and why I am here at all, in the midst of trials (to bring glory to Him). For me, at least, the pounds are important, but they pale in comparison to the real reasons for my working in this and other areas.

Sorry about missing a day, yesterday was insanely busy from the crack of dawn (actually pre-dawn, as here in Alaska right now the sun doesn't rise until after 10 am and I woke up at 6:00) to bedtime, and I jut never got time to log on. But it was uneventful, so there wasn't much to document. I was 183.8 (unchanged from dose 27) yesterday and down .4 today, to 183.4. That brings me to 24 pounds, even, lost, and slow but definite progress toward 177. I'm getting there, I am!

I did my shopping at the salvation army last night and bagged some good church clothes and tops, in particular. There were mostly 16's and some 14's that fit, along with two size 14 tops that were a little too tight but were so cute I grabbed them anyway, as I think they'll fit in another ten pounds and it gives me someone tangible to look forward to. The last time I could wear a 14 was when I was 16 and in the 160-175 pound range, so it was pretty exciting. I know there has been some size inflation, but a few old 14's I have kept for a decade also fit, so it can't be too different. That said, thanks to the cut of some garments and general weird sizing, I also have a few size 18 dresses that don't fit flatteringly and it hasn't improved much. I'm beginning to think the issue is less my fat and more my bosy's shape. I am petite through my torso with long legs and a long inseam, so dresses sized for Misses tend to be too long-bodied for me and the waist and shoulders don't hit me properly without alteration. My waist is smaller and my hips are larger than they were when I was this weight in the past, so it has made guessing what will fit even tougher.

Still, I'd rather be fitting in the medium to occasional extra large-in-a-cocktail-dress range, than donning 3x and wondering why nothing looks good. I haven't been there in a long time and don't want to go there again! And really, if I end up at goal at a size 8-10 I won't complain. It isn't itty bitty, but it is a heck of a lot better than where I am, especially if I am strength training along with it. I still haven't narrowed down my goal window beyond just guessing where I want to be (somewhere below 160 and probably around 140? Maybe?) but I'll know it when I get there based on how I look and feel. The number doesn't really matter so much to me.

Finally, some decent movement on the scale!

I was due for it, but the scale jumped from 185.6 yesterday to 183.8 today. So I can submit my weight to my health insurance for a 35% discount off my current rate in a year, if I have maintained at or below the given weight, as well as feel awesome and slender all day ;)

PS: The cravings from last night? Gone. If it was genuinely physiological I'd be more ravenous upon waking, and instead I feel just fine, not hungry or even particularly thirsty. Waiting out cravings is awful for a time, but the long term benefit of saying 'not now' to myself is clear in the scale progress, loose clothes, and feeling proud of a lot of hard work.

I rarely suffer from it these days, but the past week I've had terrible insomnia, despite taking valerian and being dog tired all day long. This post, typed at 11:36 pm when I originally sat down for bed around 8:00, would be exhibit B in the rather unfunny joke that is my current sleep schedule. I have been exhausted all day from poor sleep last night, but I am having a heck of a time shutting my brain off right now. It might be diet related, but I doubt it. More likely hormonal, as I'm also struggling with head hunger and cravings this evening. My period is a bit screwy on the hCG, but I'm not technically due for another week. Still, whatever the reason, the sleeplessness affects both my performance and the scale. For that reason, I really hope some shut-eye will be coming sooner than later!

Food was good today - breakfast, as always, was chai tea with my tbsp of milk and some stevia. Lunch was some baked daikon radish 'chips' with some new spice rub I acquired at our local tea and spice emporium, along with some chicken sautéed with water and the same. The grissini and an apple topped it off. Dinner was shrimp, homemade cocktail sauce for my vegetable, my grissini, and some grapefruit with Erythritol to sweeten a bit. All satisfying and appropriately filling, which makes me sure my cravings for P3 and P4 foods tonight was more head related. My stomach isn't growling and I had plenty of water, so I'm just ruthlessly shoving down the cravings as I toss and turn. They'll be gone by tomorrow, they always are, it's just a matter of my head overruling my emotions regarding food and keeping on plan.

I have been noticing what might be some immunity issues regarding hCG, in both my slowed loss pattern (and tons of little stalls) along with an increased desire for P3-style meals and more food-centric thoughts again. Simeons' absolute maximum round length was 40 effective injections, and I'm over the minimum and just two weeks away from the maximum. My losses have been great and I'm honestly content with ending sooner than later and getting into the next phases for six weeks, as the strictness of P2 is both mentally and physically taxing. I've had so much success that I'm happy to work on stabilizing like a rock rather than pushing for a longer round, as I originally thought I might do. With those thoughts in mind, I have decided I will transition off of my hCG and into P3 either at 40 days or when I reach 177 pounds, whichever comes first. That gives me a window of 175-179 to maintain within for the duration of P3 and P4 and puts me solidly in the 170's, a place I haven't seen since high school.

I am really hoping those six or seven pounds come off sooner than 40 full injections, but either way I think it is a great number to end this loss cycle on and very respectable. I will have lost 30 pounds this round if I reach it.

My clothes are getting too loose, so I will be heading to the Salvation Army to get sme interim stuff for the stabilization part of the round. I'm really looking forward to picking through their stuff, my friend has assured me that right now the selection is excellent, especially among dressier church wear, which is primarily what I am in need of. It is just one sweet reward along this journey, right up there with looking awesome, feeling lighter, and being fairly free of food cravings aside from rare times like tonight.

My plan is to mix up one more batch of fresh hCG tomorrow, on the off chance that sme of my head hunger and restlessness is due to my batch beginning to lose potency. It should take me right through 40 days if needed, with another two boxes of Hucog standing by for mixing either on a future round or if I should have to extend my current round due to a poorly timed period (it is bad to end your last dose during your period, it tends to screw up stabilization, so taking extra doses through the end of it is necessary if dates should fall that way). That makes a nice tidy number, a tidy dose amount, round length, and everything else. I would be tickled pink if I could resume my better losses and get off the last little bit of weight in a week instead of two, but I'm counting on it taking longer and will just be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't ;)

Now. Hopefully my brain will shut off and I can get some rest. If I sleep immediately I can still get seven hours before the alarm goes off. And this, on a night when I went to bed in time to get 10 solid hours. Oy!

I have to confess, I was a moron last night. I made a pot of tea right before bedtime (it sounded so good!) and the caffeine kept me up until 4 am, so I am totally sleep deprived today. The scale seems to dislike my zombified state, too, and rewarded me with .2 gain despite perfect diet adherence all week, so I'm at 185.6 this morning. I'm going to get a nap and lots of rest tonight and see if I can't lose better tomorrow. I HAVE to meet 184 for a big break on my medical insurance and I'm so eager to get there, but I've had stalls and slow progress the past week and change, right when I really wanted to blow through this decade.

Still, my whining is fairly empty, as I've had an excellent round and new low thus far. But darnit, I want this weight off and I don't want caffeine and exhaustion screwing with it ;)

More visible changes to my body even with the scale not moving quite as quickly as it did in the beginning (homeostasis is like that, unfortunately!). My back fat, which is a feature of my putting on weight pretty much only rough my torso, has diminished to a ridiculous degree. I have just a little pad of it left between my shoulder blades and one roll near my waist that used to be several inches bigger. Now, it just barely pads the upper curve of my ribs and is almost invisible through clothing. This was one of my least favorite parts of gaining weight, so to see that leaving my form, despite water retention? I could cheer from rooftops, I tell you!

Nothing much to say this Saturday morning. I weighed in at 185.4, which is a .4 pound loss from yesterday and brings my net losses to 22 pounds. I'm still hoping to get to 184 by tomorrow or Monday, but I can't control the weight I lose at, unfortunately. Still, good progress and a solid day on plan is the best I can do, so I can't complain!

Still losing huge amounts of inches. I can see them off of my hips and belly, we'll see what the tape measure says at 179 pounds but I think that is where I am noticing the 'loss' the most - not on the scale, but in the overall appearance of my body. Much less jiggly and lumpy these days ;)

I weighed in today at 185.8, which is a pound down from yesterday! It appears whatever stall I was engaged in for a week was busted, either by the apple day or on its' own (I can't say with certainty). Regardless, I'm happy to be beyond that for sure, moving down the scale again feels good.

I have an order in for a product I am looking forward to combining with stevia in shakes and coffee, I will give a review of it when it arrives. The product is Capella flavor drops, and the reviews are pretty ravingly in favor of them. I'm trying to transition away from Splenda as much as I can, because it gives me cravings, so my old standby davinci sugar free syrups need to go. If the drops plus some stevia glycerine do the trick, I'll be quite happy with them. The flavors they offer sound phenomenal and I like the idea of them being highly concentrated so they don't throw off the liquid proportions when used in cupcakes, custards, etc. Check them out for yourself at http://capellaflavordrops.com/

And no, nobody paid me to comment of this product ;)

The apple day went well, though I never thought I could get sick of apples, it turns out six in a day is indeed about the threshold for me! I was 188.2 yesterday and 186.8 today, so that is about a pound and a half of loss there. Is it enough to break through the stall and have me consistently going down again? Who knows but time, eh?

I'm still feeling energetic and not hungry at all, still losing inches, too. My complexion has continued to be clear despite an almost complete cessation of my skin care treatments, something that is unheard of, for me. I haven't noticed any unusual fatigue, though I am not getting enough sleep some nights and I can definitely feel that in the morning, it doesn't seem to be diet related. And while I'm definitely plotting and planning some of the lovely dishes I am going to make when I get into P3 (can we say short rib roast? Perfectly compliant, perfectly delicious!) I'm not really struggling to subsist on any of the P2 foods, nor am I really fighting any cravings or desire to cheat. I'm totally committed and it isn't a struggle. That's incredible, given how restrictive this diet is. But the lack of sugar and all but the tiniest allowed starch has obliterated my cravings, while the hCG circulating my fat stores for consumption has made up the caloric difference I am not taking in through chewing.

My goal for this week is to see 184 before Friday, if I can. That is the new threshold the insurance lady informed me I had to meet to get a 35% discount off my current rate of coverage. Unfortunately I have to be there or below that for a ear before that kicks into effect, so my husband greatly desires that we notify them of that as soon as possible, to reap the rewards of it sooner than later. I think, on a plan like this, that is a doable goal. And if I don't meet it by Friday, I should be there by Monday, for sure. But either way, I'm really getting into 'normal' territory with my weight and looks and it is thrilling.

Yes, I'm still high on the BMI and will be until the high 160's, but practically? Nobody is going to point me out as 'the fat one' in the room, if pressed. More and more I am hitting weights that suit my figure and are attractive, as opposed to 'not particularly horrid' or 'still kind of cute' despite the fat. You know how that is? The 'you have such a pretty face!' saying, that basically all but screams that everything else about you is unfortunate and a darn shame? I am getting out of the realm of getting such backhanded compliments and I'm grateful.

As for energy, can I say how much lighter I feel?! That twenty pounds makes a difference in how much spring is in my step, for sure, and the feeling of being more limber and light is quite satisfying.

All in all, I'd say the apple day was a success, but moreover I'd say the protocol, itself, is a huge success for me. 20.6 pounds off forever, without much struggle, and a solid plan in place to solidify and maintain it before dropping even more? What more could I ask for, really, after several years of being less than fruitful with the calorie counting and not addressing some health issues my food choices were creating. Calorie counting wasn't fixing the cravings for junk, or my immune issues, or my hunger and energy issues. This protocol is. And yes, it requires some major paradigm shifts, and I have to constantly defend it as NOT being a fad/crash diet, but I know and am living out the truth - hCG when properly used has been a miracle worker for my health and weight loss, and enabled me to lose the pounds I have struggled with shedding for years.

So apple day or no, how could I call myself anything less than successful and thrilled?

Well ladies and gentlemen, it appears I have been a bit too hard on myself for the weekends' food and possible water retention issues. At this point, being perfectly on plan except for that one meal that was almost on plan, I have been bouncing between 187.0 and 188.8 for six days.

Yes indeed, I am in an honest to goodness stall, through no dietary fault of my own. My body is setting and resetting its' weight lower than the 190's and it is taking its sweet time in doing it! There is zero reason, in my activity, food adherence, or even basic hormone fluctuations, that I shouldn't be moving down the scale right now, so I'm quite comforted to know that this is just an adjustment phase and I haven't actually done anything wrong.

I wasn't sure if it was diet, hormones, or a factor beyond my control (like non-linear loss) for a few days, because any one or two days in isolation doesn't give the whole picture. But in observing my recorded weights for the past week it is clear now that I'm not going down the scale because my body is adjusting to the loss, not because of cheats or anything like that. I've been vigorous about staying on plan and that makes troubleshooting my scale progress much easier.

The good news in all this is twofold: First, I am losing inches like crazy even though the scale isn't budging. The same jeans that were tight at 188 a week ago now fit at the same weight. My bras are on the tightest hooks, I can count my top ribs through my skin and see collarbones. It is common on the "Pounds and Inches" protocol to yield many inches when the scale seems stick, and I'm experiencing the same thing, myself.

The second piece of good news is that the protocol includes a stall busting tip, called an Apple Day. Today I've decided to do one. Instead of my normal meals composition, I am to eat six apples and nothing else today, to clear out my digestive tract and cut through any retained water. Oftentimes this is all that is needed to break up normal stalls, so I'm giving it a shot. If that doesn't work, the only other solution is more time. I'm good with that!

This is where the weight loss estimates of a half pound a day for women on the protocol come from. I have been losing closer to a pound a day, but with TOM and two stalls, those great loss days average with the slower ones and I come up with good, but not quite as brisk, numbers.

I was at 188.2 this morning. We'll see what an apple day brings. 500 calories of apples and as much water and tea as I want actually sounds refreshing :)

Just as Dr. Simeons says in "Pounds and Inches", eating off plan food, even in the proper calorie amounts, will result in rapid gains if hCG is in your system. The macronutrients breakdown of his food list is very important for triggering proper fat loss. I definitely don't regret that date Saturday night, now less than ever, as it taught me some really valuable this about the protocol and how my body reacts to it (very well!).

I am down a pound from yesterday, to 187.8. Back into the normal losing mode of the protocol, away from the food and ovulation related water retention, back heading toward virgin territory with my weight and where I want to be. More than ever, I am completely convinced that staying 100% on plan, as I have for every meal but one the entire last month, is the way to go for me. I lose well, feel great, look great, and food (though not particularly tasty) is simple enough and nutritious. If I want to make my goals of 170-something, or even the high 160's, I will do that the fastest and most reliably by being a paragon of dietary virtue for a few more weeks and then working on stabilizing for P3/P4.

That's exactly how the protocol works - rapid losses with the hCG making up calorie deficits in dietary fat by using fat stores instead, while consuming just enough protein to protect lean mass during this process. Then, the next stage of the diet adds back in lots of dietary fat and protein, plus nutrient-dense vegetables and fruit (but no starch or sugar) to replenish any deficiencies caused by P2 and encourage the body to stabilize at a new set point weight. The weeks following that reinforce the set point (not allowi weight to veer two pounds out of range on either side of it) while reintroducing starchy food as the body tolerates it.

Once that cycle is completed, another weight loss cycle may be started.

It is both effective and brilliant, if my mother is any indication. And it's working for me, too. But the metabolic forces the diet puts into motion are delicate and nutrient-sensitive, so playing fast and loose with the foods and quantities makes quite the unpredictable and likely unsatisfactory situation.

As for me, I'm happy to persist on plan for the last half of this dietary phase and am looking forward to P3 with much eagerness. But I will NOT be doing any more restaurant meals during this plan, until I can have dietary fat again. It was a nice break, but it isn't worth another one! If something comes up, I will transition off P2 and into P3 earlier than I originally planned, so I don't have any struggles complying to my food requirements for the event. At this point in the diet I can stop hCG at any time, complete an additional 72 hours of VLCD while the hCG is metabolizing out of my system, and then I am in P3. Voila :)

At this point I have no plans to complete less than 40 doses of hCG, but should the need arise it is nice to know I have the flexibility to stop at this point and have a slightly higher set point for this round than my initial goal.

I'm still 20 pounds down, at this point additional loss is just an incredible bonus I relish, I absolutely cannot complain about my losses on this protocol, and they are nearly effortless. No hunger, no weakness or fatigue, no strenuous or superhuman effort. And that the entire point of the diet is to establish a set point at the new weight, not just to lose with no plan of maintenance or easily followed permanent way of eating? Awesome.

So if we ever need lessons that ovulation creates temporary water retention-related gains, I think I'm a great test case. Eating entirely on plan, with a fairly normal amount of rest, a full gallon of water to drink, and an average to low activity day, I retained enough water to have me 'gain' nearly a pound, bringing my morning total to 188.8, despite not a single day over 600 calories in just shy of a month.

I'm ovulating today, and though I don't feel bloated clearly some tissues are holding onto water and my digestive system has slowed a bit, temporarily. This is where documenting how your body responds to various stimuli can help make diagnosing problems a bit easier, and certainly create less mental panic as to 'why this isn't working?!'. It is, but my body isn't a machine run by gears, and it doesn't create perfectly uniform outputs on the basis of one regulated input (calories and the nutrients they are comprised of). No indeed, our bodies are far more complex and function a bit more mysteriously than we give them credit for.

I imagine tomorrow will see a fairly big loss, or perhaps one more day of stalls/gains, before I head into the literal phase of my cycle and this all regulates down again. In the meantime, this calls for no more action than my continued adherence to my plan and waiting it out. And that, I can do!

Well that sounds ominous and it really shouldn't, but it needs to be said nonetheless. When on protocol, it is much easier to stick to your plan when you prepare all your own food. Last night my husband and I went out on a much-needed date and, while I got the most protocol-compliant item I could on the menu, it still isn't exactly what Simeons prescribes and I paid for it with a pound of water weight this morning, coming in at 188.

I ate a fajita platter, with chicken breast, green peppers, and onions. No tortilla, about a quarter cup of rice to fulfil my starch requirement. A good bit of pico de gallo to season. Very tasty, and since I had not eaten a single thing all day, my calories should have been somewhat in range. But I ate my first meal of the day at 6:30 pm (food left in my guts this morning, no doubt), prepared by someone else and definitely using a some fat to sauté the veggies (not the end of the world, but disrupting to weightloss on this part of the protocol), and with a mix of veggie components instead of a single choice per meal (harder for my system to break down). The weight gain is hardly shocking, and should be off soon enough, but it bears repeating that the very best results with this system come with following it to the letter. Because a healthy, fairly low calorie, low carb meal of my own choosing? Didn't do nearly what his standard plan did on the scale.

It was a nice date and I don't regret it, I made good choices and enjoyed myself, but the less I even tempt fate with goi out and eating something, the faster I'll get to goal.

As I mentioned in the title, it's Sunday and so I skip an injection. Given how late I ate last night I am not hungry this morning, so that's nice. I'm 100% on plan today, vigorous with my water intake, and am hoping the pound of this morning will vanish by tomorrow. Only one way to find out!

Yes indeed, unless I do an extended round I am halfway through P2 today, which is great news! I am down to 187.0 today, a .4 pound loss. I'm fighting a lot of fatigue (my own making, I've been getting to bed late) and I think it makes the scale unhappy for me to be tired.

Given that I can barely stay awake to type this, you'll have to excuse the brevity. I'm drawing a happy, weight lossy blank :)

Apparently I'm rare - most gals who do hCG seem to lose big (2-5 pounds a day) for the first week, and then their losses taper down to half a pound or so for the duration of the protocol. I didn't really have any big water weight or load weight losses, but have consistently lost right around a pound per dose the entire time, with very little deviation.m

Today is another one of those days - I was down .8 pounds to 187.4, or exactly 20 pounds gone. It is a bit mind boggling that I can lose so well and feel so good. My skin is clear and bright, my energy is great, my weight is coming off of all the right places, I'm not losing large amounts of hair (I hope it stays that way!). Things are great in dietville and my plan isn't really giving me trouble. I haven't had a hard time sticking to it, while it is boring (with the very limited food list) it is nutritious and certainly tolerable for the short time I am on it, and the losses are so great they keep me well pacified.

I admit I get highly annoyed when hCG is called a fad or crash diet. That shows such a fundamental misunderstanding of both how the hCG works and what the diet is trying to do - retool the chemical signals that control fat storage and break addictions to processed, high sugar/starch foods. It does so beautifully, and not only am I eating NO sugar these days, either in pastry or granulated form, but I don't much crave it and my palate has been completely nixed of artificial sweetener addictions, too. I've been drinking plain water without issue - no crystal light, diet soda, or the like. Not needing five pieces of gum to get me through me cravings for the day. Not needing to sweeten food like grapefruit, because they're sweet enough. Things like that.

The other thing that bugs me about the crash diet designation is that, by definition, those diets have losses that cannot be easily maintained - they yoyo users. But the entire point of the protocol is breaking food addictions, fixing the body, and resetting the previous weight set point to a new low that is maintained within a two pound window on either side. And it WORKS. On the message board and mailing list I see hundreds of ex-yoyo dieters, ex-atkiners, ex-calorie counters like me who all lost weight on our previous methods but found they couldn't be easily maintained, stopped working well after a while, or just didn't give us what we want. Hundreds of people who DID find both healthy weights and livable, easy maintenance after completing P3 and moving into P4. Many more like me who are in the process and genuinely can say we are less hungry on our 500 calorie diets than on our 1800 calorie diets of old. And yet so-called 'experts' have the gall to tell experienced dieters, who know their bodies, that such a thing is just the placebo effect and ignore all the science regarding why the hCG works and what is does? Solid science that has been around and reinforced for six decades?

When I see it lumped next to the tapeworm diet and cabbage soup cleanses, yeah, I get pretty angry. Because that ignorance (or some clinics' shameless altering of much or all of the protocol into something that doesn't work as well) is preventing a lot of people suffering with obesity from finding both a method and a long term answer to their weight control issues.

This plan is NOT for everyone. It takes research, preparation, and dedication. But willingness to do the aforementioned things brings wonderful results. I think any long term watcher of my blog knows I'm both skeptical of most diets and sensible in what I undertake. I didn't just hop on a crazy train and do something completely reckless with the body God gave me! But I hope my exhaustive documenting of my process, thoughts, and results on this blog might help some who are looking for answers find what they need. For me, the protocol is increasingly looking to be 'it'. As I move toward P3 and maintenance - P4 - we will see if that holds, but for getting the weight off in a healthy, painless, manner? This has far exceeded what calorie counting does for me. Less hunger, less cravings, weight off of my belly and NOT my face or arms (the emaciated look, where structural fat is lost but the saddlebags remain).

It has liberated me of most of my autoimmune responses to certain foods and it is OBVIOUS. No more acne, probably 80% less seborrhea, no diarrhea or bloating, no achy joints from sugar inflammation, no overproduction of oil mixed with dry, flaky patches of skin. None of that. And because those are all gone, whe I am slowly reintroducing foods in P3 I can actually tell which ones cause the problem (is it dairy or is it the bread? Sugary treats or yeast?) and which ones I can indulge in on occasions like holidays or dates, where they aren't the most nourishing thing for my body, but they can be tolerated. It allows me to, once and for all, make up a food list that works for ME and break the cravins enough to allow me to ban whatever I truly can't tolerate. That, alone, has made this diet worth it, incredible weightloss aside.

And it IS incredible - in 20 doses of hCG, with about five rest days, I have lost 20 pounds right where they needed to go, with no struggle, no hunger, and minimal pain (from the shots). And the pain factor could be completely eliminated if I did my hCG sublingually instead of subcutaneously. To 'experts' who gloss over the diet's details without researching it and actually studying what the protocol is, it looks like a fad diet. Unsustainable, unhealthy, impossible to maintain. But I know the truth - hCG has been a total answer to my prayers about my weight and food struggles, it works exactly as Dr. Simeons claimed, and for some dieters who struggled for a long time with common wisdom on their diets, it can be exactly the silver bullet needed to move the scale and blast through the wall of cravings that keeps us imprisoned in eating styles that aren't good for our health.

I am so grateful for what this diet has done for my body. I hope others can find some success in it, too. That is why I am blogging so extensively about this - the only way to counterbalance the Dr Oz/Cosmo/uninformed family doctor nonsense about this plan is more information, more experiences, more details into how and why it works. And while I'm a novice nobody, I still hope these posts can give more information to those who are curious, or might be advising a friend or relative on their weight issues. I started out a skeptic, but I'm a total believer through my own research and experience.

I weighed in this morning at 188.2, a pound down from yesterday despite terrible sleep (I stayed up reading an addictive book, naughty me!). My BMI is now 33.3, which is great compared to the BMI of 45 I began with. I will throw a true mental party when I hit 'overweight' as opposed to 'obese'. It looks like that number is at 169 pounds and I may or may not hit it this round, but I'll be darn close!

Nothing interesting to report, beyond that. Just chugging along one day at a time.

So I was posting on one of the message boards I love for weight loss support, and I posted a before and after comparison of my new pictures with an old one. I hadn't realized it was the same shirt, but it is a motivating comparison, I think.

The before picture was at my MIL's home, when my first was just four or five months old (right before I became pregnant with my second). I don't know for sure, but I am guessing I was in the neighborhood of 250-260 pounds, and still thought I 'wore it well' (denial's a scary thing, folks!). Okay, here is a 'before' picture, from when I was around 250-260, four years ago (I think, hard to say) and my current progress picture, at 190. Now most of my weight has been lost through calorie counting, but hCG did the last twenty pounds :)

Now in contrast, the same top but a very different body.

Losing weight is hard, folks. It is a long, slow process with lots of emotional work, in addition to trying to work out the details of what your body needs you to fix to reach optimum health. Was I happy in the first picture? Sure! I loved my family and had a great life. But my health? Not so great. I was sore, slow, and had a hard time lifting the baby AND my butt up the stairs. I had no muscle tone. I also felt uncomfortable in my own skin all the time. I knew I was pretty and young - I am only 21 in that picture! But I felt old, inside and out, and worn down.

The second picture is four years later. I am stronger from working out and doing lots of activity each day around the house. I can run with my kids, sit cross legged on the floor with them, heft two or three of them at a time, if need be! It is the same shirt, and several sizes too large for me now, but I wear that baggy old thing with so much more confidence. I am still beautiful, but I feel like my outside is a better reflection of the young, happy woman I am inside. I am not 'better' or more virtuous after having lost weight - fat isn't a more judgment of one's worth. But I AM taking better care of myself and being a better steward of the resources I have been given. I'm not idolizing food quite as much anymore. And to be honest, these changes have taken place over the past two years, when my weight was higher than this, and during pregnancies and regains, too. These changes happen to have brought me down the scale, but I needed to adopt a more active, less indulgent lifestyle whether it changed my weight or not.

I still have lotsnof improvements to make. I need to be more diligent with my daily activities, I've been lazy again. I also need to work on some strength training, because I was blessed with a mesomorphic body that does beautifully when I lift heavy stuff, and I want to hone that. I also need to keep sticking to my guns on these challenging days of this diet, and figure out a maintenance way of eating that keeps me feeling good (likely paleo, with low to no grains, sugar, and starches). I need to keep working on my body image, and not forget that it is my inward woman that God is looking t, not my appearance. I need to be grateful every day for the things I have been blessed with - health, a family to care for, ample resources to even be able to DO a diet.

But all spiritual issues aside, it is good to take a step back and remember how far I've come, especially when the journey forward seems SO long. I have a lot of room for growth and change, physically and emotionally, and it is worth doing the hard work to keep at it.

Still, don't expect to see the orange shirt again. I'm kissing size 18 goodbye for good, when I am swimming in it! ;)

As I am approximately ten pounds down again, i took the aforementioned new progress pictures. In real terms, I am only about eight pounds down from my previous batch (which were taken at around 55 pounds lost), but that doesn't tell the whole story. In between those pictures and the new ones I lost another six pounds, getting down to 192 one day and 192 for a week or two, went to my brother's wedding, gained weight eating the junk food in the hotel, came back from the trip in the mid-190's and struggled to lose the regain, then just maintain in a window, for six months. I was up above 200 again around Halloween and by the time I decided to iron out a new plan (this one) and eat to capacity so I wouldn't be hungry as my body adjusted, I was a full nine pounds OVER the progress pictures from the summer.

Now I am not only back to them, but below them, in three weeks. The real story is one of about 18 pounds lost, a fair but of time passing, and deciding that if something isn't working for me I really ought to change it. I am proud of myself and eager for the next ten pounds and more to be gone. When I'm ready to lose, I'm ready. The problem was not being in the game, mentally, for a lot of months. Still, that's life and I have no shame in taking my time. But now? I'm done with this stage. I'm done with obese. I'm really ready to move down and maintain in a new, lower window.

Here's a new (not my best, but works for the purpose intended) front shot, contrasted with the old one, below.

And the new side view, contrasted with the old.

I don't see much difference in these two, but from my starting pictures 67 or so pounds ago, the reshaping is pretty huge.

As for measurements, here is where I am at (measurement difference in parentheses is the contrast from my starting point on the hCG, on 12/14/11 and at 203.2 lbs):

Waist: 36.5 in (-2.5)

Hips: 48 in (0)

Bust: 45 in (-4)

Underbust: 36.5 in (-.5)

Thigh: 23.5 (-.5)

Upper Arm: 14.5 (0)

So it becomes pretty obvious where the weight was lost, doesn't it! A lot out of my bust and back (my back rolls are half of what they were, it's very dramatically smoother) and a noticeable few inches off my waist, but my hips and limbs remain virtually unchanged. Given that I was never excessively 'hippy' and my limbs have always been comparably slim compared to my torso, none of this is surprising but it IS quite a nice change. I imagine the inches lost will continue in the same areas with the same dramatic shifts over the next ten pounds. So as of yesterday I am down 17 pounds and 7.5 inches off the places I measured. I can't complain about that!

My weight this morning is 189.2, down 1.2 pounds from yesterday for a total of 18.2 pounds lost. I'm definitely heading in the direction I want to go by sticking to my plan like glue. Whenever the food is boring or I crave some junk I just remind myself of the amazing progress I am making and put the desire off for another day. The lack of sugar cravings and wheat bloat is amazing, I feel better and look better, too. Clear skin, no achy joints, sore throat, headaches, all the things I noticed from my dairy/sugar/wheat sensitivities. My clothes are getting looser, not tighter, also a nice change. I'm so grateful I found this program!

I did it! I finally broke through to a new low for myself, 190.4, down .6 pounds from yesterday for a grand total of 17.0 pounds lost since the beginning of the protocol.

Though I'm lazy and not in makeup right now, I will get spiffy later today for an appointment (chiropractic, I need it SO bad right now!) and then corner my husband into hallway pictures, where my door gets relatively larger as I shrink. I haven't had one of these in at least six months, I'd say it is long overdue.

Yesterday was rough for some reason, lots of cravings and willpower issues. I had to bake some more breadsticks for the protocol, which could have been the trigger. When I bake for my kids it is no issue because it is completely off limits to me, but these were specifically for this diet and I had one allotted to eat, fresh out of the oven. I think the warm, yeasty allure was a little too much for me. I ate one too many for the day but still remained under my calorie limit. Fortunately I shouldn't have to bake anymore for this cycle, and I'm grateful for that. No point in needlessly tempting myself!

My goal today is to stick to my guns as rigidly as normal. I am almost halfway through my injections (40 injections is what I am aiming for, with rest days every Sunday to stave off hCG immunity and rest days for the three heaviest period days) and eager to see the 170's or even high 160's at the end of this. The latter seems far too optimistic, but I do believe I could lose another ten or fifteen pounds in the next 25 days without making an unrealistic goal for myself. Fifteen down would put me at 175, and given how long it has been since I've even been in that range (I'll give you a hint, it's about a decade), I think I would be perfectly happy there for a two months or so while I do P3 and P4, before setting off down the scale and aiming for the 140-150 range.

Either way, I have to keep my goals in sight and remember it is just a few more weeks of this crazy restrictiveness before I can have what I am craving. I will do it, because this is for ME and it deserves to be done right.

Progress pictures and measurements to come.

I think tomorrow might be a picture day, as the scale was wavering between 190.8-191.0 this morning! I am taking the higher weight, just because, and calling it a 1.8 pound loss from yesterday, bringing my total weightloss to 16.4 pounds. Pretty good, eh? My face is looking MUCH slimmer and I noticed my ribs are today, as well. Measurements and pictures at 190 will tell for sure, but I'm very pleased with where the fat is coming off.

I have to admit it, I was making white chocolate bananas for the family yesterday and actually had a crumb of white chocolate. It was the very first thing I'd consider a 'cheat'. Amazingly enough, it was anticlimactic. Overly sweet and not nearly as delicious as my brain was telling me it would be. I skipped my grissini for the evening, just in case the carbs or sugar in it would cause me to react badly on the scale, but realistically it was less than a 16th of a teaspoon of chocolate. Still, that little crumb reaffirmed my decision to leave that sort of junk behind, even as a treat down the road. It's just not very satisfying, given what it does to my body. Some really dark chocolate or icecream? Maybe. But pure sugar like white chocolate? As tasty as it is in my coffee, it's better saved for company, I think. I haven't decided whether the (killer delicious) white chocolate powder should just be taken to church and left in the kitchen by the coffee maker for others to enjoy or not. Wisdom says it should.

No major plans today, other than getting my butt downstairs and watching the kids so my husband can spend his last day off doing something he wants to do. Tomorrow is back to the normal grindstone and hopefully my sore ribs will cooperate with both bible study and chiropractic.

Lets gets the weight data out there to begin with - I was 192.8 today, down .4 from yesterday. I've been spoiled by big losses every day so half a pound seems a little puddly, but it is good to remember that is actually what most women average while on this protocol :)

My shingles were bothering me a bit more last night than usual (sleeping was sore and I couldn't lay on my back easily) and this morning I was definitely feeling more sore than I had the previous two days. I did a fairly 'normal' day yesterday in terms of cleaning, shopping, etc and I think I did a bit too much. Unfortunately I missed church today, which I am bummed about, but I am thinking I'll be feeling well enough to do bible study on Tuesday, at least. I just need to not overdo it here in the last few days I have to rest before my husband goes back to work.

As the title indicates, today is Sunday and thus the day I take my weekly injection break, to help hold off immunity to the hCG. Later today I will also be mixing up a new batch of the Hucog as I used my last dose yesterday. There is supposed to be 16 doses per mixing jar but with the length of my needle it is very hard to get the last dose or two out of there, so I just tossed it. I have plenty left to do a normal or even extra long round (if I buy more syringes) so losing a dose or two each batch isn't anything to sweat over.

I'm definitely losing inches, which is quite nice! A fleece vest I bought in a large that was almost two small to zip before I started the protocol now fits nicely. I can also button up my size 16 jeans again, without terrible muffin top. My bras fit better, skirts are looser, all positive signs that I am indeed back where I want to be. It's going to be exciting to surpass that in a week or so, but right now I'm just enjoying the relative thinness I haven't experienced much of since this summer (the weight I gained eating during the trip in California and Vegas never was shed properly, I just yo-yo'd around the upper side of it for months and then slowly creeped up another four or six pounds on the fall).

It's hard to believe such a small difference on the scale and in the percentage of my mass could make a huge visible difference in my appearance, but it really does. Slimmer face, flatter belly, far less back fat, you name it. I look good at this weight. Not my best, not my goal, but this is probably the upper limit of what is tolerably 'suitable' for my frame in terms of appearance, where most people would classify me as 'normal' or 'pudgy', even though I am still obese by the technical definition.

As I mentioned months and months ago, 189 is the first weight where there is a break in the cost of our medical insurance, so we will be placing a call into our agent when I reach it. The weight must be maintained at or below for a year before the discount is awarded, which is why we want to get that call in sooner than later.

I can't think of anything else to ramble about, so I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh batch of solution and hopefully a new low!

Chugging along here, nothing novel to report. My weight is 193.2 today, which is down .8 from yesterday, and puts me at 14.2 pounds lost in 14 injections (remember, I am tracking days by the ones I have actively treated with hCG, there's been a few rest days in there ;) ).

My kids are spending the night at their grandparents' home and my husband let me sleep in, so I slept from midnight to almost noon and it felt quite nice. Funky dreams, though. Either way, I'm refreshed and ready to take on the day, with only a little soreness to complain about in my ribs.

On my to-do list today is getting new clothes for my four year old. Her stuff is high water and her sister has outgrown most of her three year old clothes, so it's time for another shift downward. I don't really like shopping but it must be done on occasion. Or rather, let me rephrase that - I love shopping, but I hate driving to and parking at the mall, which is a mess. The actual clothes part of it doesn't bother me.

Either way, I promise it won't be as much fun as it sounds! Then I have more knitting to do and maybe watching through a movie here at home, before the children get back. Weee! I live an interesting life! (not)

Good morning! It looks like I won't need to be breaking any stalls forcibly, as I am down to 194.0 this morning (13.4 pounds down from my original weight!). I am right in the range of 192-194 I was in for my brother's wedding this summer, and it looks SO much better on me than 200. My face, in particular, is looking much slimmer and less puffy. No hunger issues or major cravings, though I was having some head hunger when I smelled the bacon Peter made for the kids this morning. That will be all mine to enjoy in a few weeks, but until then, tea with a tbsp of milk is my fare.

The shingles continue to get progressively better. Though the entire area around my right ribs is still tender and the skin is tingly and hypersensitive, it can bear enough weight now that I can finish knitting the socks I began for my MIL for Christmas. The shingles struck right in the middle of my last minute finish-it blitz and I couldn't get them done in time. Once those are off the needles, legwarmers are my next order of business! It is getting too chilly under my skirts, even with boots and thigh high socks, so I'm going to add an extra layer of insulation to cover the gap in my boots and go up my knees. We'll see how that works out :)

Nothing else to report, really, other than that I am also able to do small chores again, like folding laundry and dishes. I have to b on my Vicodin and move slowly, but they get done. My energy is deceptive - I feel all right and begin doing something, but hit the wall of soreness and exhaustion much more quickly than I anticipate I would when I begin. That seems to be the toll healing is taking on my body. I am also sleeping long hours at night and still having a hard time waking up, from naps and the overnight rest, which seems to be a side effect of the painkiller and my body spending its reserves healing me and dropping pounds. It's not bad, just a bit of an adjustment. But every day I see an improvement in how I feel, so I can tolerate the (diminishing) side effects for the time being.

I was able to do quite a bit today, though it drained me quickly. Even though I am feeling better I am definitely still in recovery.

Shingles aside, for a moment, can I just say how thankful I am to have found this plan? How perfectly timed the entire change in eating and habits was? Praise the Lord! I am so grateful for the option to go high fat, ditch the wheat and sugar, use caution and much fermentation with the dairy, get AWAY from unsatisfying diet food, and most of all, ditching the inflammation? It is wonderful!

I am taking stock of myself here, approximately two weeks in. My bloat and bowel issues? Gone. I noticed they were gone because the antiviral messed with my guts and made them come back - I hadn't even realized how regular and mellow my stomach and intestines had been until something gummed up the works again! Hunger cues? Fixed! I don't really get hungry on this diet, and that's the way it is supposed to work. But that burning desire to eat the whole house, munch constantly, scarf every carb in sight? Gone. Sore throat, runny nose, headaches? Gone.

Really, other than one minor headache during detox and the shingles, I have been doing remarkably well. The protocol has cleaned up my system, cleared out the junk, given my body time to repair itself and my brain much time to absorb and mull over how great this all is and what permanent changes to make to keep it this way.

And darnit, I'm excited to lose weight again! Not complacent, thinking I can't control this or content with not being at goal but not being 'huge' again. I'm making plans for what new clothes I want to buy, imagining new hairstyle to try, new items to knit to spiff myself up, how I'm going to look when I visit my family. I'm content to put off another baby for a bit, as my husband needed me to, in order to lose more weight. That is huge! I'm enjoying feeling good after eating - not sick or constantly wanting more. I'm definitely looking forward to eating fattening, lovely, real food in P3.

The injections don't bother me, the meal plan is simple, the maintenance plan is so perfect and doable for my life it's remarkable. God has been so good to me in answering my prayers regarding diet, exercise, and food. I wasn't ready for so long, but now that I am in a better headspace and willing to move forward with this, I'm raring to go!

This stuff needs saying just as much as the dry, daily nuts and bolts or the complaints. I have to cheer at how good I feel and how well this works, even in the midst of a horribly painful illness. I can't ignore that this has been wonderful for me and these lessons must be taken with wisdom. Grains and processed, sugary junk aren't my friends. Artificial sweeteners like aspartame and sucrolose? Give me headaches, spike my insulin, and make me crave sugar even worse than sugar, itself! Going gluten free isn't enough - I really have to watch my starches carefully and fill up on fat and protein, with a delicious side of low-sugar fruits and vegetables, and leave the grains to the very occasional splurges and heavily fermented, well broken down porridges. They just don't play nicely with my body's chemistry.

I am itching to get to 190. You cannot believe how ready I am - even now I can see so many inches lost and bloat just melted away. My belly is flatter, my face is bright, my energy (sickness aside) is solid... I want to get down the scale and stay down it more than I remember ever wanting it in my life. I have not cheated a lick, crumb, swipe. Not a bit. And my desire to, for the most part, is nil. I am so looking forward to the way of eating at the end of the protocol I don't even miss my previous indulgences that I could never quite control. Very occasionally I want a bite of pizza. But I can make up something healthier and tastier and more satisfying at home - why not? And if I have pizza once a season at a restaurant? That's a choice I can make (and my guts will have to live with it). But when there are so many tastier options that don't fight me all the way into the toilet? Why would I go back?

I have to keep reminding myself that this is best and not forget why I ditched my previous standard American diet for good. Why just calorie counting wasn't working. Why grains are bad for me. Why simple substitutions like coconut flour for all purpose is going to make as tasty a goody but with far less negative impacts on my health. Why 190 pounds on my frame wasn't a place I was willing to stop forever.

It is good to sit back and take stock on occasion. Especially when I am uncomfortable, like with the shingles, tallying all the wonderful blessings I have had and can still look forward to is a wonderful way to spend my time. Almost as wonderful as imagining myself thinner and healthier, in a particularly cute dress ;)

Weighed in at 195.0 again today, which is the same as yesterday and pretty close to the last two days before that. No big deal, but not my favorite. My body had to adjust to these rapid losses and I can tell, visually, I'm losing inches in my torso. My cup size has diminished by at least one (made my husband sad, but he'll live ;) ), my belly is smoother, my back rolls are less, you name it. I know I am sticking to the protocol like glue so I just can't complain about a stall or two. Given that I am still on my period, antivirals, and pain meds with very sore muscles? Some might be water retention I just can't control, too.

The best thing I can do is stick to the plan and let it work. That includes days of stalls or small gains. The human body, on ANY diet, is not a machine. It doesn't work like a well-regulated clock. Expecting it to is setting oneself up for a lot of disappointment. As for me, I'm looking forward to a nice whoosh here soon.

My shingles are hurting slightly less today, the skin is still hypersensitive and the band of muscles aches, but it's not tear-inducingly bad. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and adding some chores and such back into my activities. It's a slow process and somewhat frustrating, but I can't rush healing.

I weighed in at 195.0 today, which is .8 down from yesterday, for a grand total of 12.4 pounds lost in eleven doses. I'm quite happy with that, I must say!

As for the shingles, I am hesitant but hopeful, my pain seems better this morning even without my Vicodin. Maybe they're actually beginning to heal? I still have the hot poker pain in my ribs if I burp or have any involuntary expansion of my chest beyond a shallow pant, but the skin and muscles, themselves, aren't throbbing quite so badly. I also slept more soundly, which was a boon. There may be light at the end of this tunnel of ouch, after all. I don't want to jinx it, but I'm praying this is relief!

Yesterday I had to force myself to eat dinner - how weird is that?! I am the girl who always out-eats the boys and can put anything away, anytime. And I seriously had to force feed myself a measly 250 calorie dinner? I was pleasantly shocked. It seems between the fat burning effects of the hCG and the obliteration of all my carb cravings, my uncontrollable hunger and lack of satiety cues are actually being fixed! That was what I was hoping the hypothalamus reset that this diet aims for would do for me, and I'm so pleased to see signs of it. Now, I know I cannot maintain this state if I go off the rails and start overdoing it on sugar and starch in maintenance, but knowing that excluding those foods gains me control over an area I previously had none? I am in awe of that.

I'm also pleased that, for all the calorie and fat restriction of this diet, I look less emaciated in my face and neck than after a month of small-restriction calorie counting. It really does on burn the stored fat - my structural fat under my skin is in perfect shape and I look healthy and bright, not sunken, dry, or 'hungry' (you know what that looks like, it ain't pretty!). Whenever I hit 190 I'll take another batch of pictures and measurements, I think it will be interesting to see how not-starved I look ;). For a fairly 'extreme' diet, I am taking very well to it (shingles response aside) and I know that P3 and P4 will be right up my alley as well. I do great on protein and high fat, I'm excited to get there. Heavy cream on berries and a nice ribeye sounds positively delightful right now!

I'm still incredibly sore and not healed yet, but the Vicodin can stay on the pain well enough that I can lay in bed. Last night I didn't take enough of it upon going to sleep and spent half the night awake, in agony, waiting for the next time I could dose. Ow... Then I slept until 1:00 pm after taking my morning dose, to catch up on some of what I lost in terms of rest.

TOM is still here but the protocol indicates to only cease injections for the three heaviest days, which means I'm back on this morning. My weight was 196.0 (I gulped water, so I actually think it was the same as yesterday's 195.8) and we'll see what it does tomorrow. When I'm not hunched over in pain I can definitely see some visual differences in my shape and fat but I won't measure again until I hit 190, then we'll see what kinds of inches have been lost.

I'm still sticking to the plan with as much perfection as I can, giving it my level best shot even with pain and soreness like I have right now. These shingles really need to heal, the sensations they create are like electric shocks or hot pokers jammed into my body. Go away, evil disease!

... That's a side effect o haven't experienced, before! Every nerve in my body is twitching and tingling, begging for a scratch. Still, the pain in my ribs, shoulder, and neck has been blunted, so I'll take some opium-induced nerve sparking for a respite from that awful pain. I'm also taking the Vatrex generic to get the virus under control and hopefully that will shorten the duration of my illness and keep the possible secondary effects (including pain that persists months after the outbreak has cleared) from occurring.

The VLCD might have stressed my system enough that the chickenpox virus could flare up again (it lays dormant in the nerve cells around the spine after having it as a child, and thus shingles outbreaks can occur at any time, multiple times, over the course of one's lifetime), but beyond that possible opening there is no correlation to my current diet and my illness. I'm grateful, because this is working marvelously for me and I feel great. No cravings, no flare ups of food allergies, even when I eat dairy or eggs as my protein for my meal, nothing. No bloat, acne, worsening of my seborrhea, or anything like that. This was exactly what I needed to reset my body and break from the things causing reactions and inflammation in my system.

So I'm going to ride out the shingles and persist with my full hCG course. Then I'm adopting a paleo-style of eating for maintenance, where I am limiting the things I react to or crave and fermenting what little bits of grain I do have. That seems to be the ticket for my best health. I will still bake for my family, but I'm choosing recipes that neutralize the anti nutrients like phytates, so it is healthier and easier for all of them to digest.

And should my next round of P2 cause another outbreak of shingles, I now know exactly what to look for and how to treat it. It's all a learning experience ;)

Well I did it - to see if nutrient issues were at the root of my pain I ate a protein and fat heavy breakfast yesterday (three eggs and six pieces of bacon) but to no avail, I didn't see any improvement. Thus, I continued on the rest of the day plan.

This morning, to my surprise, I was 195.8, which is 1.2 pounds down from yesterday, despite the breakfast experiment. This is my third day in a row with no injection, as I am on my period and am supposed to cease hCG for the three heaviest flow days. I'll be back on the normal injection schedule tomorrow.

Now, as for my mystery, miserable, malady. It appears I have shingles without a rash (herpes sine zoster). The muscle relaxants and ibuprofen aren't touching it, it is definitely nerve pain in an isolated area, and it looked like I had the barest splotchy rash pattern where the pain was. Except for the rash, every symptom fit perfectly, so I am waiting to hear back from my doctor about prescribing me some heavier duty pain killers that can affect nerve pain, and some acyclovir or other herpes-type mediation to address the chickenpox aspect of it. I am praying this is my road to recovery, as this has been brutally painful to the point that I oftentimes can't lay in bed to sleep and talking/walking/rustling clothing hurts.

I should be getting my other test results back from them today, as well. Hopefully those will be normal.

On the diet front, other than this unrelated pain I am doing fine. I made it through Christmas without a cheat and am moving forward with what has proven to work for me. I'm in a miserable spot where my husband has to help prep my meals, because I can't move my right arm and ribs without pain, but he's been very accommodating.

If I'm remembering correctly, I am down about 12.2 pounds from my first injection day to now. Not too bad, eh?

This drives me nuts to say, but I think it may be in the best interest of my body healing if I do a planned interruption and eat more than I have been, to give my body some fuel to repair these muscles. I just started my period, too, so I'm off the hCG shots, anyway, for the next three days. I didn't take one yesterday or today, and I will likely eat mor today, tomorrow, and until my shoulder and ribs get better. I don't want to do this, but the pain is debilitating and if a protein or mineral deficiency is to blame, I'm going to heal much slower on the diet.

I admit, I'm waffling on this big time. I'm at 197.2 today and have lost ten pounds, I don't want to turn around and regain it all because I stopped in the middle of an hCG cycle. But I can't even put on my own makeup, my arm is so screwy, nor can I lay in bed without tears. The muscle relaxants and ibuprofen are barely touching the pain. Ow.

We'll see, but I think giving my body a break is wise until it heals. Not ideal and what I want, but wise.

Yes, my shoulder and rib muscles keep seizing up, it's terrible. I'm still waiting for lab results but if they don't call me tonight I'm going to go get calcium/phosphate/magnesium supplementa anyway and deal with this, myself.

The weight loss is still marvelous - 197.4 today, which is down ten pounds in ten days. If these spasms do persist I may have to get out of P2 in the minimum amount of days - 21, with three days of VLCD but no shots - and see if that remedies the pain. I want to lose a ton of weight in one go, but if I am just not getting enough nutrients to keep these spasms under control I may have to do more rounds in shorter time than a few, longer ones. It isn't what I want to do, but the pain these muscle cramps are causing is immense and debilitating.

I'll be on plan throughout Christmas Eve and Christmas. I wish all of you a wonderful Christmas, without too much weight gain ;)

-------------------

This was originally supposed to be injection day ten, but I forgot to take it again and so I'm just making today my rest/off day from shots and will resume then tomorrow. Whoops!

I got a call from one of the nurses at the clinic and unfortunately that only got back one of my results - my magnesium a which was normal. I was advised that if I felt the same or worse to go to the emergency room. I haven't decided if I will or not, but I am mulling it. It's not particularly straightforward, since I will feel better one moment and then seize up the next. I'm glad to hear the magnesium was normal, but that would have been the easiest thing to fix if there had been a deficiency. We'll see what happens with the other tests. If things get worse I will head in, but right now I'm hoping ibuprofen and the Flexeril will keep this under control. I have a chiropractic appointment on Jan 3rd and I may pair a massage with that, to see if that will help things ease up.

I'll expand upon this later when I know more. Right now, we're doing this quick. Weighed in at 199.2, which is a one pound gain from yesterday. I stuck the the plan perfectly and my body stalled and is bouncing around, which is very normal. I'm not worried in the slightest.

What has me worried, and may account for the pound gain, is that I may have strained or torn a muscle in my ribs and back. I am heading over to the urgent care center right after this, but basically my right side under my breast, around to my should blade, and on top of my shoulder and neck hurt so bad I can barely breathe. I have to pant, any deep movement of my chest makes it ache and burn. I used that arm to pull myself into our car and twisted a bit last night, I think that is when the Injury happened, but it is so bad I cannot lay on my back or left side and still get air. So I'm going in to have it checked out and make sure it is nothing more serious like a blood clot, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to need muscle relaxants and pain killers. If I did injure the muscle, my body would be using glycogen to repair it and that would equal water weight retention. It all makes sense, we'll see what the doctor says.

So ouchie chest and bye for now :(

------------------------------

Update: the doctor was, predictably, very uncomfortable with and skeptical of the diet (he obviously hasn't done much research on it, I can't blame his assumptions as I had them too, before looking into it) but didn't harp excessively. He thinks I have some muscle spasms that may be caused by an electrolyte imbalance or insuffient nutrients (magnesium and potassium). He drew blood for a panel and I should be getting results back tomorrow.

I've been prescribed NSAIDs and Flexeril (muscle relaxant) and need to focus on resting. Even when the muscles aren't seizing back up, now my right ribs, chest, neck and back are so sore they ache, regardless. It really sucks but I am hoping it goes away soon.

Unless I get worse I am not reconsidering this diet, as there is no proof it is linked, but I am definitely going to consider supplementing more calcium, magnesium, and potassium to prevent the cramps. This is no fun at all, but I am glad there doesn't appear to be anything significantly wrong. He is doing a blood test for detecting possible clots, just to be on the safe side, but I'm not too concerned.

Despite the pain and funky midday sleeping and such, I stayed on plan with a blended strawberry/cocoa/spinach shake for lunch and a spinach frittata for dinner. Hopefully I won't be retaining such a huge amount of water tomorrow, but as long as I am sore I'm not holding my breath that the glycogen repairing the strain won't affect the scale.

So I had an airhead moment today. Well, more than one, but only one you're going to hear about!

It was such abuse morning getting the kids ready to leave, cooking my daily food before the gas and hot water went bye bye, and then doing tech support for my MIL (well, my husband did it, but I watched!), that after journalling I completely forgot to take my injection! Thus, at 1:45 pm I dosed, instead. Not a big deal, but I can't believe I walked by my supplies so many times today and it didn't occur to me I hadn't yet stabbed myself. Doh!

Weighed in at 198.2 today, down .6 from yesterday. I stayed completely on plan, the slightly lower loss can be attributed to either a previous set point (definitely possible) or just my body taking a breather. It's still well within the range to be expected and I'm happy with it.

Today is going to be a cold one around here - my husband will be replacing our broken hot water heater and to do that, he had to turn off the gas to the house. No fireplace, heater, or over/stovetop. The girls will be going with their grandma for an overnight 'camp-out', as we call it, while Seth and I hang out today and Peter is frantically plumbing and soldering. On the upside, our new hot water is a tankless Rinnai and the savings each month for this much more efficient model will be substantial, and well as lessening the likelihood of running out of hot water at any given time, like we used to. The downside, of course, is this installation.

As I said earlier I am doing fine and on plan, though I have noted two negative side effects to extremely low fat diets that are known to occur, I just hadn't expected to see them in me. First, dry skin. I kind of expected this, but in the dead of an already-dry winter, it's an itchy affair. The second and less expected side effect is zero sex drive! As a married woman, this is a problem, though my husband understand it is brief. Even during the load days, where I was stuffed to the gills, I still wanted sex just fine. In fact, my libido was better during the highest fat days (known to happen). Now, in the trenches of a low fat phase that would make Dean Ornish proud, I am about as interested in sex as another glass of water (I drink a gallon and a half or so a day!). It's not the end of the world, but after a few days of watching this one I can only conclude that this is not normal but a definite consequence of the diet. Interesting stuff to watch, actually. I am in the luteal phase of my period right now, too, which also contributes to a low sex drive. Either way, it's all conspiring against me to make my husband bored and lonely ;)

If this was NOT a brief phase, where I know it will be over in about a month, max, I'd be seriously considering changing my diet. This just proves to me that humans in general and me, on particular, thrive on a diet of whole animal products and plants with cooked, properly fermented grains and dairy (sparingly, still!). The high fat, low sugar, low starch diet is perfect for my needs and my biochemistry responds very favorably to it. Ultra low fat, super lean, calorie restriction? It is useful for a phase but nothing I could or would want to sustain long term.

That being said, I am becoming more positive the mechanism of hCG for burning fat stores is absolutely legit and working beautifully in me. My face and hands are still supple and full of vitality - no gauntness or ill health apparent. But my midsection, breasts, and thighs are all visibly shrinking. My abnormal fat stores are disappearing while the quickly lost and replenished sub-dermal fat remains largely untouched. That is the only way I could be living on so few calories a day with no hunger or visible emaciation, and no negative side effects but a little tiredness, some dry skin and no sex drive. Given the incredible calorie deficits I am pushing (21-2500 a day) that I am not impossibly hungry or miserable speaks to the metabolic mechanisms working.

I don't possess inordinate willpower and even minor calorie restriction tends to be tough for me to stick to, after a few weeks, due to hunger and cravings. Those are all but gone. No cravings for sugar and carbs (just fat and protein), no aching hunger, no overwhelming need to cheat or nibble... None. I'm not particularly great and staying on plan, historically, so my ability to adhere to this is God helping me and a fair bit of sensibility to the (admittedly odd and extreme sounding) plan.

We'll see if my losses are better tomorrow. I should be coming up on TOM, which would slow them for a few days.

Weight this morning was 198.8, down 1.2 pounds from yesterday for a total of 8.6 pounds lost. I'll take it!

My arm hurt so bad last night in bed I had to get up and hunt down our Traumeel, which is an arnica-based analgesic and anti inflammatory. Good stuff, and it helped me finally get to sleep. You don't realize all the things that put crazy pressure on your forearms until you can't do them anymore. Most of my normal typing, sleeping, and sitting positions are out. Stupid icy driveway... And if that isn't bad enough, we got more heavy, wet snow on top of it last night. It just makes things even more slick. Fortunately the six-hours-too-late new salt did wonders on the ice below it, so I'm hoping that makes up for the decreased traction that comes with that type of wet snow (think wd-40 on an ice rink).

I'm having a phenomenon I've heard about but never really experienced - food thoughts! I'm craving the nutrients I want more of (fat and protein) and imagining the food I'll be eating in a few weeks. It's kind of sad and hilarious at the same time. I still refuse to cheat and have made very tasty stuff on this diet, but it is SO restrictive that my mind keeps thinking of 'better times'. Fortunately I know these thoughts are temporary and they don't affect my food choices right now, but when I catch myself thinking longingly about oxtails melting fat into beef broth and crispy duck skin the drool starts ;). I'm so thrilled that is the sort of stuff I need to maintain on!

No hunger besides the aforementioned dream munchies, no headaches or ill feelings. I definitely am short on energy and I notice it most when lifting stuff (my arms feel fatigued under loads they didn't used to). I'm also freezing pretty much all the time, which given the definition of a calorie (unit of energy used to heat one ml of water 1 degree centigrade, if I'm not mistaken) and the lack of them in my diet right now, makes sense. I don't feel emaciated or look bad, quite the contrary, but there are little biological signs that I am burning huge amounts of energy stores which is EXACTLY what I want.

I'm grateful I have yet to see one symptom - hair loss! When I lost weight in my first chunk my ponytail thinned quite a bit. This type of diet can be hard on the adrenals and any significant calorie deficit can cause biological stress and result in sheds. I'm pretty serious about the condition of my hip-length hair, so I'm glad it's holding up well.

Another fine day on plan - I had definite munchy head hunger for lunch because I took the kids for our lunch date with daddy and got to watch them eat tasty junk, while I sat with nothing (I was eating at home, after the excursion), but it passed without incident or cheating. In fact, everything was fine until I parked in our driveway, which had become even more of an ice rink since the time we left and was now solid, slick ice.

In trying to get out of the car my foot slipped as I was lowering myself out of the door and I ate it, big time. I slide down and under the open door, slamming my elbow on the car door and then on the ice, with the full weight of my body bearing down. It was incredibly, nauseatingly painful. I iced it immediately upon entering and that seems to have limited the swelling and bruising quite a bit, but my entire arm from elbow to forearm is so sore I can't even rest it on a couch cushion, and my fingers and wrist throb on occasion. I don't think I broke or fractured anything, which is a total miracle given the severity of the fall, but the bone bruise is nasty and will be a slow healer.

We had been meaning to get more salt at Costco tonight, to melt the ice. Clearly we were about six hours too late. Ow ow ow.

In diet related news, other than staying on plan rigorously again I have little to report. No real hunger, no headaches - I actually couldn't finish the amazing P2 Cincinnati Chili I made for for lunch, it was such a big bowl. What I did notice today, confirmed over the past few nights, is that my acne is clearing up in a big way. I have struggled with hormonal acne since having Callie, and nothing has really touched it but topical treatments to eliminate the spots. They still kept popping up, which was an issue. Apparently it is starches or dairy that did it to me, because I am having only a tbsp of each per day right now and everything else is normal food for me, but the immovable skin issues are improving. My scalp issues are also appearing to lessen, another miracle. I will have to see, as I add substances back in down the road, which ones exacerbate these issues. For now, though, they are going away and I am thrilled! I am thinking it is the dairy, but we'll see. Either way, I'm blessedly clearing and inflammation all over my body, in multiple forms, is healing. That is EXACTLY what I was hoping would happen and yet another reassurance that this course and eating style is perfect for me. Yay :)

I weighed in at 200.2 this morning, down 1.2 pounds from yesterday's weight of 201.4. Grand total weight loss is 7.2 pounds.

I am almost positive I simply took an injection break too early in the cycle. Now that the hCG is back in normal doses, I feel fine. No headaches or cravings, no significant weakness. My mom brought up a good point and I decided the same - due to the fact that exercise increases my hunger and I have some weakness, I'm just going to shelve my normal exercise block for the duration of P2 and resume it when I'm back to normal calories in P3/P4. Maybe if I'm feeling absolutely awesome I'll put it back in early, but outside of daily movement around the house I probably won't see as many benefits as drawbacks from the light exercise. I'll just add an extra half hour of sleep and call it good.

I'm taking the kids to Peter's work for our normal every-other-week lunch date at the cafeteria. Instead of trying to find something on the menu, I'm just going to eat at home and call it good. That's my plan for all social interaction in P2 - drink lots of water and maybe iced tea with stevia, but no eating outside of what I prepare at home.

Time to get the kids ready, I'll report back in if something interest comes up.

My headache subsided by the middle of the day and my slight hunger (I'm still not sure if it was the physical empty feeling or actual hunger, but it was minor in any case) is completely gone, so I am thinking the hCG is back circulating through my system in the necessary quantities to keep me feeling good. My energy, which was flagging in the morning and afternoon, is also back up. I stuck to the plan like glue today too, I'm quite proud of myself. I was making dinner for my family and didn't have one taste of the sauce I was seasoning (tricky! I had to do it by smell), a lick of noodles, and I wore gloves the entire time to prevent fat absorbing through my skin.

On another aside, kneading bread with gloves on? Interesting task and not particularly straight forward, but it worked well enough. Better than coming into contact with a ton of oil and accidentally stalling myself out. The fat really acts like a hormone interference substance when it comes to the protocol, so even the tiniest amounts could cause issues and temporarily stop the hypothalamus response the hCG is affecting. I've been diligent in gloves and scrupulous in my food preparation and consumption and, while I am not sure that is what can be credited for my losses, it can't hurt!

It came to my attention today that Simeons, in Pound and Inches (pg 57), says that the only weight to count as a start weight is not the one prior to loading, but on the first day of the VLCD. As I want my record for this experiment to be correct and record weight daily, regardless, it is really six of one, half dozen of the other for me. But since that it how most other protocol dieters record their weights, for uniformity I should do mine the same way.

What that means, in practical terms, is that I have lost 6 pounds in five days, from 207.4 on Friday to 201.4 this morning.

I guess it makes sense to calculate it that way since the load gaining was not water weight, it was actual extra calories consumed as per the diet instructions. In which case, I am losing marvelously fast for feeling so good! A light headache that hasn't needed Tylenol and a little tiredness for one day? Not bad at all!

That rate of loss will surely taper off, but I'm happy to ride it! If I would see my ultimate low from the summer (191) by the end of the week or beginning of the next? I would be elated. And if I 'only' lose half a pound a day from here on out, I should still be firmly around 180 by the end of my course, so long as I keep being mindful and diligent to follow the protocol to the letter. If I'm going to do it, I'm doing it right. That's what I keep telling myself. It gets me through those moment of cravings and head hunger, or prepping for the rest of the family when I want a taste SO badly.

I don't want that taste more than I want to get this weight off lose these allergies. I don't want that junk more than I want to slim down for my husband. I wasn't in that place for a lot of months - the one where I was willing to work hard and sacrifice my temporary satisfaction for long term benefits - but now I am. It is GOOD to be back. Will there be struggles in subsequent rounds or down the road in maintenance? Always. If I have learned anything over these past few years, it is that weight is something constantly in flux, always requiring some vigilance, and the culmination of MANY choices day to day. I know exactly what it takes to maintain and exactly what tips the balance of the scale up or down. The 'knowing' hasn't been the issue. The doing?

Well, that's where I'm at right now, isn't it?

I will not post pictures at 200, but I will at 190 and every decade of weight below that. The pictures from the last time I hit this weight are still accurate with my current shape. I'll check in with my plan tomorrow morning, and I think I'll make a habit of listing my meals, if not the full recipes for them. It will make this blog less repetitive and boring in a few weeks, if my daily blogging has something more than a number and 'losing weight, feeling great!'.

Until morning, then.

201.4 today, which is a 1.8 pound loss from yesterday. It was a little rough last night and this morning with slight headaches and tiredness, but then some insomnia, however I also had my first serving of Splenda in over two weeks. I'm going to watch carefully to see if anything is related to the Splenda, as I think it might be. I also think it may have been a bit early in the cycle to take a rest day, as my body just stabilized on the hCG and then I forced it to compensate again. Next week's should go more smoothly.

Hunger is still not an issue. I'm still battling some head munchies, whereby I am thinking about food and wishing I could eat it, but it's not physiological in nature. This is where I'd previously give in - wanting something and then acquiring it. But that isn't the mature way to manage my body, and it neither made me more healthy nor look the way I want. Thus, whether I feel like it or not, no matter how good other food may sound, I am sticking to my plan like glue. It is such a brief period of time, I am going to give it my absolute all. What's the point of doing something drastic like this if I am not going to try to glean as much benefit from it as possible? And the benefits HAVE been great. In four days I am down six pounds from my loading weight and two from my starting weight. That's a great loss and should continue at the rate of half a pound to a pound per day for the duration of the diet, with a few stalls here and there as my body adjusts.

I woke up this morning with the intention of working out. The baby actually woke me an hour before my alarm (and I got to sleep well past 1:00, thanks to insomnia) and so I got up and did my bible study, but as the time came to work out I realized I felt icky enough that I'd benefit more from additional rest than half an hour on the bike. So I rather intentionally made that choice and do feel a bit better for the additional sleep.

I'm going to experiment with some of the other proteins Dr. Simeons lists as okay, including moose (super lean game meat was said to be acceptable), Mahi Mahi (white fish), and even three egg whites and a whole egg. The egg, in particular, I will be watching like a hawk. They have been known to cause sensitivity symptoms in me before, and if they cause a reaction after a solid week of not having even a hint of them, I will have to relegate them to the 'no-except-on-the-rarest-occasion' list.

This is a short week for us, as a family. My husband only works until Wednesday, he has the rest of the year off thanks to vacation time. We have a hot water heater we will be replacing on Thursday and Friday, Christmas celebrations, and then the rest of the year will be spent finishing the bunk beds for the girls once and for all. Callie is in hers, as a single, and Lilah's is done in the garage, but the steps that connect them still need completing and then we will ditch Lilah's crib once and for all. It will free up a ton of space in their rooms, so I am looking forward to completion.

I'll be tracking my symptoms throughout the day and update if necessary. Until then!

Hola!

Report from last night is positive - I stayed completely on plan, with help from a very understanding friend who I had a late, gloriously enjoyable craft night with. My dinner was at 4:30 (apple, pickled cucumber, chicken, grissini) and I wasn't hungry by 2 am, nor when I woke up the next morning.

Today I am feeling pretty weak - not sick, just slightly drained. That's normal for this period of time and I'm taking the opportunity to rest and not overdo it while Peter takes care of the kids.

My weight was 203.2, which was really great considering I quick pickled a cucumber yesterday for dinner and it involved a tablespoon of salt >_<. The good Dr. Simeons does NOT restrict salt at all, but that doesn't mean that so much of it won't make me retain a little water, even if I am drink over a gallon a day. That's okay. I want real fat loss, not the illusion of it through water weight disappearing. And since I drink SO much water the salt is helpful in not allowing my electrolytes to get wonky. Plus, it was tasty. Very, very tasty. I used stevia in place of the sugar called for in the recipe and it worked fine, but without the negative sugar impact.

Now, onto today:

To extend the time I can dose with hCG without hitting immunity to it (where my system gets used to the amount and I begin getting hungry again, and not losing fat as well) the protocol recommends that one day a week is a rest day from injections, whereby you still follow the VLCD but don't dose with the hCG. This works because the hormone remains in the bloodstream in effective quantities for 72 hours, so skipping a 24 hour period is no hardship on the dieter and allows them to lose weight for a longer period of time. Thus, tomorrow will be day four, despite today being the fourth day on the diet, because tomorrow is my fourth injection. I'm calculating days on this diet by injections, officially, not calendar duration. It makes things slightly tricky, but is a more accurate way to do it.

Other than the weakness this morning I am feeling great, just drank my tea with a tbsp of milk and stevia, and am eating a lunch of steamed asparagus with Tony Chacheres (super yum), chicken dry-sautéed with salt, paprika, and water (also yum), grapefruit with a little stevia to sweeten and my trusty grissini. The minimal starch in the grissini breadstick and milk in the tea do not seem to give me allergic symptoms at all, which is great. I didn't want to cut those out of the diet unless I had to, but apparently my tolerance for those substances is decent enough that trace amounts don't hurt. That will make the maintenance phase much more smooth. Also, it doesn't seem to stir up cravings, another worry of mine. Other than the occasional braised hunger for more food and junk, my body is very satisfied and feeling better and better. No inflammation, stuffy sinuses, headaches, or anything else. I nixed my coffee and diet soda for the time and will probably not interject the latter back in again - I haven't ascertained if, on the rare occasions I drink soda, whether the artificial sweetener is worse for me than the sugar. It's a toss up at this point, and something I will probably just wholesale avoid except for very rare occasions.

I am keeping the salt a little lower today to see what kind of losses I have tomorrow and if it was indeed the cucumber pickles that kept me from more losing. But either way I am down four pounds from the first few days and my skirts fit looser, belly is more flat, and chubby chin issues are almost subsided again. All good things, and this diet IS called 'Pounds AND Inches' - I'll happily take the inches if the pounds are being stubborn :)

******** EVENING ADDENDUM

Ended up with a slight headache tonight, but it came about after several hours of looking at a computer screen in the dark and thus I cannot conclusively attribute it to the diet. Heading down to make dinner now, with P2 chicken chili and spinach chips.

Good morning everyone! I just woke up (it's been about sixteen hours since my last meal and said meal was about 250 calories) and NO HUNGER! Still! That's exciting to me, as my willpower couldn't withstand wanting to eat m own arm ;)

I was 204.0 this morning which is down the three pounds or so I gained during the loading, so I'm about where I was at the beginning of the week. I'll be dosing (belly, totally!) in just a few minutes. I have no symptoms to report except maybe the slightest light headed sensation when I stand too quickly, and my normally low blood pressure plus the low blood sugar from this diet would be attributed to that. Nothing negative or impacting me in a big way. Hurrah!

I came across this description of how the hCG works and thought it was the best condensed explanation of why asimeons uses hCG in the protocol. I figured I'd share.

   How does hCG work or help with weight loss?

Dr. A.T.W. Simeons' research suggests a small, daily injection amount of hCG (approx. 125 IU to 200 IU), results in an average weight loss of 1 to 2 lbs a day when accompanied by a VLCD (very low calorie diet).    

That mobilizing of fat stores is what allows the protocol to work with so few calories and no hunger issues beyond the first few days of adjusting. Your body gets its remaining calories through the fat released into the bloodstream, so long as the VLCD is observe fully and properly.

Oh, and injections into the thigh? Yeow! That stung like crazy and ached afterward. Lower belly remains far superior for me, thus far. I'm not stabbing my leg again.

***** EVENING ADDENDUM *****

Well the end of my first full day on the VLCD has been good! No headaches or insane hunger issues, in fact I'm not really hungry at all despite being right around 500 calories for the day (540 by my count, but I overestimated the size of my tomato and head of cabbage).

Now, I feel head-hungry, meaning my brain is telling me I want to eat, but it isn't physiological, which is amazing for so little food. I have a curious empty feeling, as there isn't anything in my stomach, but that isn't the gnawing, distracting feeling of true hunger, either.

The first week or so I am expecting to be rough as some people on protocol experience negative symptoms while their systems adjust, but at least into my third injection I feel just fine. Sticking to the plan like glue hasn't been hard as I know exactly what I can eat and don't even look twice at the other stuff. The restrictive food list is actually a bit freeing, it takes the decision of what to eat and how much to consume out of my hands. At this point I am still craving some junk, but it's completely manageable and mostly in my head. I've probably had a gallon and a half to drink today, between my gallon of water and two pots of tea. Peeing like a racehorse to go right along with that ;)

We'll see how I'm doing tomorrow. Adios!

Third day of hCG injections and I must say, if I ever needed an object lesson in sodium related water retention, my dinner last night gives it. I'm up about four pounds this morning thanks to a burger and fries from Carl's jr. This, I begin today at 207.4, which will be gone by tomorrow, perhaps taking a friend or two with it as well.

Here is what I am going to be eating from now until day forty of injections:

Breakfast: Tea or coffee in any quantity without sugar. Only one tablespoonful of milk allowed in 24 hours. Saccharin or Stevia may be used.

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Lunch: 1.    100 grams of veal, beef, chicken breast, fresh white fish, lobster, crab, or shrimp. All visible fat must be carefully removed before cooking, and the meat must be weighed raw. It must be boiled or grilled without additional fat. Salmon, eel, tuna, herring, dried or pickled fish are not allowed. The chicken breast must be removed from the bird.   2.    One type of vegetable only to be chosen from the following: spinach, chard, chicory, beet-greens, green salad, tomatoes, celery, fennel, onions, red radishes, cucumbers, asparagus, cabbage.   3.    One breadstick (grissino) or one Melba toast.   4.    An apple, orange, or a handful of strawberries or one-half grapefruit.

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Dinner : The same four choices as lunch (above.)    ---------

Nifty, huh? Generally speaking, I am eating the meat, grissini, and fruit and counting calories, then filling my remaining space in the 500 calorie allotment with vegetables. The trick being that I cannot mix them, only one type per meal and better to not repeat the same veggie for lunch and dinner. But I can have 100 calories of cabbage, for example, in a broth I made with my chicken breast, and with some added spices. That turns a fairly small calorie amount into a pretty extensive meal. There are NO restrictions on salt, pepper, and most spices and herbs, other than that they contain no added sugar or fat. That means flavor plays a big part of making an otherwise very simple diet interesting, and Cajun shrimp sauté or curry coated chicken is allowable, so long as it is cooked in compliance with the protocol. I have a nice little PDF cookbook just for phase 2 (P2) that gives me a lot of good options for flavor while staying firmly on plan.

I am stating it again, but it needs to be repeated often - I am giving this my 100% try. There is no point in drastically changing my lifestyle and body's chemistry if I am going to cheat. Thus, no going back. From here on out I am staying as on plan as I possibly can, right down to skipping Christmas dinner to instead eat what I packed myself. And when I get into P3 and P4, I am using the cessation of my junk food cravings as an opportunity to permanently replace my previously grain and sugar heavy recipes with ones that aren't going to spike my blood sugar and make me a ravening beast. I'm accepting, flat out, that I cannot eat some foods in moderation, and that half a donut or a slice of cake is really a once-a-year thing for me if I want to stay slim and feeling good, without food allergies.

I'm so fed up with junk and despite what I have told myself in the past, I truly DON'T need it. Thus, from here on out I am not only sticking like glue to the protocol, going so far as to wear gloves while cooking for the family to keep from coming into contact with fats, but I'm using the maintenance periods to get myself firmly in the habit of cooking without grains and sugar. Coconut flour, almond meal, stevia... These are going to be replacements I have to train myself in using, to gradually shift how my family eats. It's a big task but I'm so ready for it. It took a lot of time and struggled to get to the point of being fed up with this current weight (195-205 range) and even more time to be convinced that the standard American diet isn't a right, nor is it something I should be bummed about avoiding. But I did hit that threshold and now I'm all in for changing it.

Everyone has to do their own journey and soul searching on this point, but I am confident with my path for the next six months or so. And being in the habit of eating pretty firmly paleo for the next pregnancy? That will make my pregnant maintaining all the easier, having broken my wheat habits prior to it all.

I'll probably report in at the end of the day with how the cooking went and how many lurking fats tried to land on me ;). Wish me luck!

After eating probably no less than 4000 calories of fat and protein, as per the protocol instructions (eat to capacity, ie: eat until your stuffed, with the most caloric, fattening foods you can find) I am actually down a pound this morning to 203.2. Go figure, right?

Shockingly, you'd think eating and eating steak, ice cream, slab bacon, cheeses, eggs and the like would be a ton of fun, but fat is very filling and it was actually somewhat of a chore. Still, I know it is important to get my sub dermal fat stores in shape before going on the VLCD tomorrow, so despite how contrary to conventional wisdom (which, I am discovering, is rarely wise and usually wrong!) this diet initially sound I am doing it as well as I can.

As I mentioned before I cannot have nutritive oils in any body care products, as even that small amount of fat in lip balm, foundation, or conditioner can have an interfering effect on the hormone processes I am trying to achieve with my hypothalamus. Products I use can have mineral oil and petroleum, but if it can be eaten it shouldn't be worn during phase 2, in general. I need to acquire new soap, lip balm, and had to switch back to mineral deodorant. I am going to have to wear gloves when making food for my family, so the oils I am cooking with don't get on my skin. It's no hardship, but it does take more awareness of what I am doing and touching than I have ever used before. Things like wearing lip balm, I didn't realize I do constantly until I couldn't anymore. Olive oil dribbling a bit on the side of the bottle is suddenly a problem. Little things like that take a brain switch.

I also find it fascinating how the first two days of P2 are so heavy on fat, then the next 26-40 days, depending on how much weight you need to lose, are as minimal in fat as is humanly possible (the lowest fat meats commonly around, no extra dietary fat, no fat through contact, etc). This is to trigger the chemical signals in your body, with the help of hCG, to release the extra calories and dietary fat you need from your fat stores. Even the smallest amount of fat present through the skin or by mouth can fool the body into not beginning that mechanism and result in inferior loss of fat. The three weeks of P3 involve tons of fat again, anywhere from 50-60% of the daily calorie intake from fat is desireable. This is to help to body stabilize and rebalance, and the restriction is on sugar and starch, not fat. Again, the protocol specifically discusses why this is needed, from a hormonal perspective. The three weeks to lifetime spent on P4 is to maintain the new fat, protein, and fiber heavy diet while figuring out how much, if any, starch and sugar can be tolerated without causing abnormal fat storage and weight swings. High fat and protein are crucial for the rest of one's life, unles they do another round of the protocol to lose more weight. It's far from what the diet industry has preached for years, and yet it makes good sense when looking at the various hormones (insulin, leptin, cortisol, etc) respond to certain nutrients. Our bodies seem to signal satiety and normal storage function the very best when we have adequate fat intake and watch it with inflammatory things like dairy and grains. The more data that comes out on this subject, the more Dr. Simeons original observations are justified and strengthened. Fascinating, eh?

Tomorrow begins the real exciting part - the VLCD in which I begin to shed pounds and inches like crazy and get my body's immune responses to certain food back under control. It will be good, though I don't get to enjoy a normal Christmas meal this year it is hardly a burden, given the benefits I get from shedding all that weight and working through my food allergies. All in all I am anxious to get it underway.

The injection was better today. Still stingy, since the hCG was refrigerated I could feel it in my belly fat until it warmed up, but the needle insertion wasn't felt at all. I chose my lower belly, instead of above my belly button, this time. Tht may have helped, as I have had low sensation in that skin ever since those nerves were sliced through in my c-section. Either way, I think rotating injection sites between my thighs and lower belly will be the least painful. I am glad it was more tolerable this time, that bodes well for future injections. I don't want to confront my needle phobia every single day for six weeks if I don't have to - getting over it and having it be 'normal' is my goal, so I don't cringe every time I have to do it.

So for recording purposes, here are my measurements and such as of today, the official start of this little experiment of mine.

Weight: 203.2

Hips: 48 inches

Waist: 39 inches

Bust: 49 inches

Under bust: 37 inches

Thigh: 24 inches

Upper arm: 14.5 inches

As expected these are all half an inch to an inch larger than my last set of measurements, due to that darned regain. I'm thoroughly looking forward to them shrinking like mad, I must admit ;)

Today was my first load day. You'd think gorging on as much fat and protein as you can stuff down would be fun, but it's actually a little sickening. Necessary and enjoyable, but by the end of the night it's a bit of a chore. Still, Dr. Simeon is very specific about the necessity of these days to the success of the first week of the protocol, and I'm not about to argue with him on it! My mother said much the same - a solid load made her second round much easier than her first, where she was a bit afraid to eat as much as was being asked.

It was quite a learning curve today, because I had to reconstitute my freeze dried hCG (Novarel/Hucog) with my sodium chloride water and come up with my dose. I've never done much with mixing sterile solutions and that is where the bulk of the learning curve came in, but I think I did fine. Lots of alcohol swabbing and sterilizing the equipment, but one can't be too careful with hygiene in working with something that's injected under the skin, right?

My hCG is in 2000 iU vials and I need 125 iU each day. I mixed 4 cc's of the sodium chloride water with the hCG to get 16 days of doses, before I need to make a new batch. hCG has a short shelf life and is a delicate molecule, so having just two weeks or so of solution made up at a time and kept in the fridge is ideal.

Despite some twitchiness over the needles and learning a bit about positive and negative pressure in these sealed mixing bottles, all went off without a hitch. Then the real shakiness began, as I loaded up a dose into my itty bitty insulin-style subcutaneous syringe and braced myself. I am a bit terrified of needles and so voluntarily sticking myself is kind of scary. I manned up and did it, but there was much anxiety and gnashing of teeth. It stinged and ached a bit, but nothing that I'd classify as particularly awful. Still, it's no walk in the park.

I may do the next round sublingually (under the tongue) instead of injected, but that requires twice the amount of hCG because of how it is absorbed (not as well as straight into the body via injection) and that stuff isn't cheap. So if I can handle the needles without too much cringing this time around I'll likely just stick with them (haha ;) .

I did things slightly backwards today, as I loaded up before my injection due to not having time to sit and mix it up, but it shouldn't affect anything huge. The first several doses are getting it into the system and working, the spacing being slightly cluttered for a day isn't going to be crucial. I've been eating enough the past few days that the load isn't going to make or break the integrity of my fat stores, but this slight deviation from my planned timing is still a bit annoying, though trivial. My next dose is tomorrow morning, we'll see how it goes, eh?

The next post, if I remember, I will give my starting weight and measurements, though my last pictures should be as accurate as anything right now, since I yo-yo'd back up to the weight I was when I took them from my previous low. I'm glad I haven't made a habit of regaining weight, because even these ten pounds have absolutely sucked.

More information and intrepid journalling to follow tomorrow. Adios!

I am not sure if this link will work, but here is a PDF file link to the hCG protocol I am following. Many online are modified or bastardized and don't work the same way, and there has been a big kerfuffle with the FDA over some of the issues with the scammers and this diet. The original, unaltered protocol is all I am willing to try and what hundreds can attest to working for them, safely and effectively. I'll be following it to the letter.

http://f1.grp.yahoofs.com/v1/oJLnTi3tw_isv8HZAtggZzT45ddGXPQFk2W_IIoicZtHA1s-HZaFWcBxtm6G0FrGaupDSJsVqeNW89dN1iZw7DXzWkZn01Q/Pounds%20%26%20Inches.pdf

Well my hCG arrived a few days ago and my mixing and dosing supplies should be coming today, so I'm officially in serious prep mode. I've done my online ordering for some supplements I need to be taking (things like potassium and magnesium) as well as the basics for making the transition away from starch/wheat based baking and cooking, like coconut flour and ground almond meal. That has been a total trip! I know I need to do it and am excited about it, but healthy, low carb paleo-ish baking is a whole different set of kitchen chemistry than what I have perfected as a truly competent baker throughout my married life, thus far. Different textures and cooking times, leavening options, flavor enhancements, and even some adjusting of my palate to get away from sweet, bready things and enjoy more savory dishes.

Fortunately those changes won't be enacted for a good six weeks or so. The progression I'll be undertaking, as far as I can plan at this point, is dictated by the Simeons protocol and is thus:

- Two loading days (beginning Wednesday)

- PHASE TWO - Forty days on hCG (this will include a day a week where I eat the normal VLCD foods but don't dose with hCG, to extend my time before my body becomes resistant, as well as a break for the three heaviest days of my period)

- Three days of continuing off hCG while still eating VLCD, to transition away from its' metabolic effects completely.

- PHASE THREE - This is the stabilization phase where I am eating to maintain my weight in a two pound window of my last dose weight on hCG, where I must eat no sugar or starch beyond what was allowable in phase two. This is crucial to resetting my hypothalamus and my diet will need to be at mainentnance calories and at least 50% fat. High fat, high protein. Tasty!

- PHASE FOUR - Either the break between hCG cycles, or maintenance for the rest of my life. This must be at least three weeks before starting phase two again, and each cycle of hCG phase four needs to get progressively longer. This is where I slowly reintroduce starch or sugar, one serving every few days, and watch how the scale reacts. If certain foods make me gain more than two pounds of water weight or give me other sensitivity symptoms, I need to put them on my own no-eat list. The goal of P4 is to figure out what I can maintain on and what my lifetime normal way of eating is going to be. I am intending that it be continually low starch and added sugar except for the rarest of occasions, because those foods make me sick.

The previous phases (prior to phase four) work to break food addiction and craving, chemically reset the hypothalamus and change the body's fat storage into energy conversion (that is the function of the hCG, the same thing it does for babies and mother's metabolism in pregnancy), lose abnormal fat stores quickly, then teach the body a new set point for weight (that's what phase three is all about, and why losing weight continually through it is a no-go), then teach us how to eat in a way that doesn't make us gain weight again or restart the fat storage/sugar craving cycle.

This is a bad summary of what is an extremely complex protocol that has to be followed to the letter, but it is the best I can give to a layperson ;). I've been upping my normal fat stores and transitioning to low carb for a week and I must admit that, while the scale is higher than I want right now and a part of me is itching to cut my calories before beginning the diet, the first week of the VLCD goes much more smoothly if one has been eating high fat and not restricting calories beforehand. It has to do with the normal subcutaneous fat stores not being depleted (those things are normally the first to go in a diet and the ones the body tries the hardest to regain, creating the nasty yo yo effect).

Tonight I will be buying both my high fat loading foods and then my VLCD foods, I'll load until Thursday night, and then dose with my hCG to begin my forty day cycle on Friday morning. I will report my weight and such here in the body of the blog, as my sidebar still isn't working, and try to keep faily exhaustive records of what I am doing for my own knowledge, as well as to help any of you out there who are curious what the real hCG protocol looks like.

I'm expecting to lose between 20-40 pounds in the forty days on the protocol, likely somewhere in between. Then I have six weeks of stabilizing and then transitioning in a precious few starches like beans and a crouton or three, before I plan on going back on another round of phase two through four again. That should take care of most, if not all, of my excess weight. If I need a third round round on the protocol I will probably take it before we TTC again, but it really depends on how I am feeling. That will delay my TTC until the fall of 2013, which seems like a long time to wait. Reducing so much excess fat is definitely worth it, though, and I can't do this successfully while breastfeeding and thus would have to wait until the end of 2014 to do my final round, if I didn't do it before getting pregnant again. That is not desirable to me at this time, but I will re-evaluate after each round of phases and choose whatever course of action makes sense to me and my husband at the time.

And that, in a nutshell, is the plan.

This past week has been a mini experiment, in how my body responds to various foods. As I am heading toward a very low carb (starch and sugar carbs, anyway) diet that looks a lot like paleo, I wanted to estimate how badly I needed it by gauging how the aforementioned foods affected my body.

The long and short of it? I need it bad. I kind of knew this, but given that I do enjoy sugary, bready food so much you can forgive me for hoping it didn't have any significant impact on my metabolism. But grains, even whole grains, make me feel bloated and sluggish, as well as making the scale bounce all over the place. When I eat free of most starch and sugar I feel better and more energetic, I also seem to have less cravings for foods that are red light foods for me - the ones I have trouble controlling myself with. The scale bounced all over the place, from 205 to 199, depending on what I ate. Wanna guess what made me retain water like crazy? Oh yeah, bread and sweets. Want to guess what helped me shed water weight and an inch or so of bloat off my belly? Mhmm, the meat, fat, fruits, and veggies. As much as a part of me doesn't want to, I do realize it is high time that I declare a breakup with foods that make me feel sick and screw with my weight. Fortunately the diet I'm undertaking in the next few weeks is designed to do just that, including a testing phase (p4, for ease of remembering) where I reintroduce foods slowly, watching the scale and keeping a diary of how they make me feel, so I can figure out once and for all what my tolerances for certain nutrients is, and what just needs to be verboten for me.

This morning I was 199.2 or 199.4, I can't remember, but what I DO know is that I had approx. 1.5 ounces of dairy the whole day, some cookies we were surprise-gifted from a friend (I served myself some and declared them done, letting everyone else eat the rest), a big old salad and a bunch of blueberry protein smoothies (just 'cause they sounded good and the protein powder needs to be eaten up). This is much cleaner than I usually eat, with the exception of the cookies that popped up on my doorstep, and despite having a wicked cold all day I felt a lot better than when I have more eggs, bread, dairy, or much more sugar than an isolated serving. I know this is the case, I just need to keep reaffirming to myself the reality that I am an individual very responsive and sensitive to insulin, and eating foods that make it spike around just makes me fat and sick.

Bummer, but it's the truth.

I'm still awaiting my hCG in the mail, it's currently being inspected my customs and I'm hoping they don't hold it for weeks on end or levy massive charges on it. I have terrible luck with customs, unfortunately, so I am not holding my breath. If the ampoules aren't here until right before or around Christmas I wouldn't be shocked.

We are having terrible Internet issues right now, due mainly to the load our server has put on our bandwidth (it had previously been hosted in Nevada but had to be brought home for repairs after the collocation place broke it... Grr!). Comments are broken on here, my connection is spotty, the HTML and MySQL are currently locked up, too. So this is mainly me talking to the air on here, with no decent way for anyone to respond and nothing editable but the blog, itself.

Oh well, right?

I'm moving forward with my VLCD in the next few weeks (I'm waiting on my supplies to arrive) and it's very exciting stuff. In the meantime, I've been sticking to 1500-1700 calories and losing slowly but surely, in the meantime. I'm going to try and keep my progress updated on here with pictures and some details of the protocol, in case anyone else is interested and for my records. It is likely I can lose between 20-30 pounds in each round of the protocol (which is about three months from beginning to the end of the rest period before another cycle, with another week or two added each cycle for a greater rest) and I'm hoping two or three of them will take care of my excess entirely. I was originally going to just do one round before trying for another baby, but at this point I'm actually feeling very excited at the prospect of doing two or even all three rounds in a row.

I haven't had peace over delaying trying to conceive for MONTHS, even knowing my husband would like me to put it off (for financial reasons) and I have wanted to get down to 160, myself, before trying. I have been praying for guidance on this and that is about as distinct as it has been. It is a surprising load off my mind to be able to put to rest my biological urges for a season, without it being a daily fight over my desire for another child. Wanting health and weight loss more, for the first time in a year, is refreshing.

My default weight loss support site, 3FC, doesn't support hCG weight loss in its forums (primarily due to scammers), and so I have had to search elsewhere for information from users. I have discovered a wonderful Yahoo group of wise hCG users who have had lots of personal experience and success with the protocol, as well as frequenting one of my favorite old haunts, Low Carb Friends, who have an active and helpful hCG Protocol bulletin board. The information is extensive and the support and friendship is exactly what I wanted. I will miss frequenting 3FC, but the fit isn't as good anymore. I'll still be there, but less so.

I am looking forward to providing information on this blog about the protocol and what I am doing, because the more I research the more I believe in it and see a workable, healthy solution to some of the weightloss struggles I have had (restricting calories without hunger or lean mass loss, breaking food addictions and sensitivities, resetting my hypothalamus for a healthier maintenance pattern, etc). It's backed by solid science (including reproducible results from the original, successful protocol) and as far as I can tell is a shockingly healthy way to reshape one's body and get rid of abnormal fat deposits. It sounds so wacky on its' face and the hCG market is rife with scammers and alterations to the original diet, but the basis is simple and effective. I knew NONE of this before researching the heck out of it the past week, and was highly skeptical, but I've become a believer in theory and am looking forward to affirming it in practice.

When my hCG gets here I will do an official set of start pictures and measurements and move on from there. I am still food journalling and recording my weight daily, but I will likely make that information a more frequent feature in daily blogs throughout the duration of the protocol, so others can see what I am doing. I hope I can do the whole thing justice, it is definitely going to be a challenge but one I am more than ready for, after so much time working at calorie counting and maintaining.

First off, happy Thanksgiving yesterday! I hope everyone had a blessed time with their loved ones. I definitely did, with a lot of food to spare ;)

I may have previously mentioned (I can't remember if I did or not, honestly) that I'm officially weaning Seth and lowered my calories. That's worked pretty well and I'm happy to report it wasn't difficult to adjust to slightly less food available. It definitely makes me have to plan more carefully, though!

I'm considering modifying my approach drastically for the next few months, to get off weight more quickly in the time bracket I have before we try for another baby. Something came to my attention that is exactly what I have been looking for and has been used with great success by my mother, I'm considering giving it a go. Maintenance isn't an issue for me, I can honestly say I consider myself a maintenance success after the last three years of minimal weight swings. My biggest regain has been eight pounds? I've kept off 55 or so without issue? Success! Happiness! Yay for me! I honestly count myself a very hopeful story given how many years I have been overweight and then obese.

The thing is, I am still obese, though much, much less. So I am considering going on a medically supervised VLCD (very low calorie diet) with supplementation, to lose a fair chunk quickly, before maintaining again through a pregnancy. The losing is hard for me, holding steady isn't such a challenge. I am generally highly opposed to extreme, fad, chemically diets (which is why I am a calorie counter, of course!) but I've been doing a lot of praying, talking with my husband, and researching this and the science behind it extensively. It honestly looks like a very good choice for me and I'm willing to give it a go. Worst case scenario, I switch back to what is currently working for me, albeit very, very slowly. But given that Seth has weaned and I have an extensive history of tracking both weight and food (required for this approach to be successful, long term), I have no contraindications and am as good a candidate as any. I'm not 100% decided but I'm getting there.

It's nothing I want to advertise or would even recommend to other dieters, but for me I think it is a solid choice and am mulling it.

No other news in these parts other than that my blog is still being weird and I am not going to be able to migrate content to a new site any way but manually copying it in, which is a big hiccup in upgrading. Hubby and I still have to discuss the particulars but one way or another I'm ending up with a new site, it's just a matter of if I have my old stuff there or just begin anew.

My brilliant, though painfully busy, husband is still working various updates to our server after some system updates required adjusting other components to keep them all copasetic, and thus this site is still not at 100%. I couldn't update my sidebar block properly this morning but weighed in at 201.6, which is fairly consistent with the past few days' weigh ins.

I just finished working out and am happy to report I have been on plan thus far this week. Thanksgiving I will focus on a single plate of food, no seconds of anything but green veggies or turkey, and not bother logging (too difficult to estimate when I am only cooking the rolls and dessert, I don't know what my inlaws will add to the food in prep), but since the stuff is relegated to one meal at their home, I'm not to worried about it. If it was at my place and all leftovers stayed with me, we'd have an issue ;)

I am officially weaning Seth, he has all but weaned on his own at this point and I'm cutting off the last 5% of it. He is simply too busy in moving and looking around to eat well and is lazy in latching. He likes sippy cups of milk and the only time he nurses is occasionally before bed and in the early morning, but not well either time, so I'm just moving him to water and calling it good. It was a solid thirteen months of nursing and way better than the barely-six months I managed with the girls, so I'm pretty proud. I really enjoyed our nursing relationship and am a little sad to see it go, but it is time and he doesn't need it anymore.

In response to this and to cut some of the wiggle room out of my diet (I tend to take a mile from an inch, unfortunately) I have dropped my calories back to 1550-1600 a day or so, with a few as closer to 1800, to speed up weightloss and keep me stricter on my totals. If I am unreasonably hungry on it I'll consider bumping it back up, but I think this is a good choice until I am pregnant again. It forces me to make wiser food decisions and that generally begets more of the same, with me.

Nothing else interesting here, other than continued piano practice and, at this time, frantic knitting to get done a bunch of projects with deadlines (cold kids playing outside, friends moving, etc etc). My free time is being spent with none to spare, and the next few days will be a lot of the same with needles clicking while I try not to fall behind on the normal, everyday stuff too.

Not much to say this week, I am suffering from both ovulation-related bloat AND munchy issues, just working through each day the best I can. One of the fabulous things about logging food and blogging it for a few years is noticing my weaknesses and patterns in habits that correlate to hormones, environment, emotion, etc etc. I know myself SO much better than I used to, and that knowledge does indeed help me in this area of my life.

Case in point? I bloat up, regardless of eating habits, when I ovulate and menstruate. Two weeks out of the month, with solid eating and activity habits, I retain a good pound or three of water. With that bloating comes carb cravings and irritability. Knowing this, I can pick and choose my foods or activities to satisfy my cravings or head them off, at least being aware of what is occurring. Also - knowing I am NOT a failure with no willpower. I don't just go nuts every once in awhile, there is a real biological basis for it. All good things (it also helps me tell, really quickly, if something is systemically amiss).

I was bloated up to 201.4 this past weigh day, we'll see what the coming week brings. As ever, for always, I take this day by day, behavior by behavior. Three days this past week,for various reasons, I have exceeded my calories. Tomorrow morning I aim to rectify that with my very next meal. I have noticed when I have a big breakfast I still eat the same amount later in the day, but with less calories to spend. I do much better with a big lunch, moderate dinner and snack in the evening, and a light breakfast starting it off. I can eat more early, I am usually physically hungry for it, but holding off and eating less seems to work out much better. Also, I have been lazy about planning my meals ahead and logging them before I eat. No good. It helps me SO much to stay on plan by having a daily plan laid out, knowing what food is coming, monkeying with it if need be, etc etc. The less I plan the worse I do as two weeks ago vs this week (a well planned week vs. a haphazard one) turned out. Noted and acted upon!

I can't yet tell if I am having sugar cravings due to real and artificial sweeteners, I don't do a lot of the former but have been drinking lots of crystal lite, diet dr pepper, and the like. It may be making some of these cravings worse and I don't need that. If, after another few weeks on plan, I find myself stabbing binge monsters in the eye every night after my diet drink, that might be a clue. It is the thing I am honing in on the most right now.

I'm out for the night, bye!

Well the title says it all, I might bounce around a little due to water weight but I am back on a downward trend from a high of 203-204 to being back down to 199.6 this morning. It's a good feeling and one I will persist in maintaining throughout the day today. One good choice at a time I can do, all the way back down the scale and beyond my lowest low.

Have a great day, too!

I believe I mentioned a few days ago I was having a hard time adhering to what I needed to do. I've been working hard and stuck to my plan all weekend, finally getting over the hump I kept tripping on.

It's snowed here finally and I am enjoying the gorgeous winter scene - lots of tea and knitting in the evening, warm snuggles with the kids, and that cozy feeling only the dark of deep fall can bring around these parts.

Yes, snow shoveling sucks (though it is great exercise!) but I truly love winter and spring dearly. It can be tough to stick on plan around the holidays, but for some reason this time of the year is, historically, a really solid one for me when it comes to health and happiness. I get lots done and feel great, I don't struggle overly with the desire to hibernate or SAD and other light issues. We all have our struggles, I'm always happy that mine are quite malleable and God has been so gracious in helping me work past them.

I'll weigh in on Tuesday, but regardless I am darn proud of myself for getting back on track. This is life - daily choices to make that move us along. As I have always said on this blog, I am working to make good choices most of the time, that are livable, healthy, and suited for me. It's never "lost", "hopeless", or "over" until breath leaves my body. Every day is new, every choice is another one I can consciously and deliberately make to either help or hinder my goals in life - in everything (not just food but how I spend time, treat people, the things I say, etc).

In this season and all others after it, I will keep on doing what I know is right and work hard to live life in a way that glorifies my God, pleases my husband, and gives me that contented, sated feeling at the end of each day. It's the best I can do with the time and health I have been given, and I will *never* give up on trying to my very best in this and all things. I pray you each do the same.

Sorry for the blogs absence, we had a major issue with our collocation service for our server and they ended up breaking a bit of it and having to mail it to us for repairs. My husband cobbled together a mail server on the fly and just got the main one back up last night. It's not at 100% but I have access to my sites again, at least.

Cake decorating is over. Halloween is over. I just suffered an unfortunate miscarriage, but am mostly over that, too. Thus my sugar/stress/busyness/sadness overeating needs to also be done. I am doing daily battle with keeping myself under control and it is probably the toughest struggle in three years of calorie counting and journalling. But I begin every day anew, working hard to stay on plan, and am doing better and better. I'm bouncing around between 200-203 which is about thirteen pounds higher than I'd like to be, but I am nowhere near giving up and keep on doing what I know works. It's just a matter of adherence and the devil is in the details ;)

The good news is I am working out much more consistently, usually four out of the five weekdays I set about to do it (and the one day I don't is a morning where I have bible study first thing and have to get kids ready). I am usually on plan for two to three of my meals, which is also good. It is the evening that is *killing* me lately, with snacking that blows an otherwise on-plan day and it's become compulsive again. My major challenge this week is to uproot that renewed compulsively to eat when I'm not hungry and just say no to myself when the urge comes on. I've done this before, I *know* that a few days of doing it makes the whole thing easy, it is just the initial hump of compliance I am struggling with.

Still, this is a doable process for me and I am determined to get back down and then some. With this miscarriage (I lost the very little one on Halloween) ends our brief time of trying to conceive this year, unless my husband changes his mind. We need a baby due either before or after the election season, if possible, and this was the last time this year I could have a baby due before August. I'm sad, of course, and that has compounded some of my eating issues, but I am also taking this as a bit of a blessing in and of itself, as now I have four months until we begin tring again in Feb 2012, in which I can get my weight as low as possible. Along with continuing my hard work in piano and knitting up a storm, it is these aforementioned healthy endeavors that are my main focus right now. My goal is to be below 190 when I conceive next, unless we try again before the agreed on time... That gives me PLENTY of time to hit that new low before another baby (and earn myself a new handbag in the process, which is still a very lucrative goal on my list).

Wish me the best, I need all the help I can get!

Cake decorating class? SO not helping the diet. I am a finger/bowl/spoon licker, so every time I have a dirty dish I find myself sampling the sweet goodness, practically before I even realize it. It's like naughty food prep reflex action.

I've been on plan and off Fairly equally the past week and need to tighten it up. Fortunately this coming Monday is the last where I'm required to make pounds of icing and baked goods. Thus, I can remove temptation and win the day. I'm looking forward to it, because this doing-well-whoops-try-again cycle is getting annoying.

199.2 today.

(and no, it's not a suppository***)

After being up above 200 since the Fairbanks trip, I weighed in today at 199.0 which, though still about nine pounds over my lowest weight, is a step in the right direction and more comfortable. I said I'd never let myself get back up there and I meant it, which included buckling down in very short order to rectify the regain. I'm working on it and praying for strength, it seems to be helping.

We decided on what we are you to do about my websites - Peter has about a day left on our last yard project for this season (which is good, because the ground keeps freezing hard and snow is falling) and then he has to clean up and organize his office for a winter of hard programming on his software. Since the personal website I need includes a somewhat tricky database widget, he decided he will crunch on that a bit now and finish that first, before beginning his personal stuff. So in the next two or three weeks we should be ready with a combined crafty, piano, weight site for me, that will essentially pool all my thoughts and interests onto different pages but more readily and easily available. It wll also streamline these seperate blogs. They will still be seperate and have their own tabs (I didn't want to use one blog and just tag things differently, I need more separation and features for each one that that) but checking out what I'm doing will be three clicks and some scrolling, not entering in three different web addresses and checking each individually.

It should be good stuff, I think, and greatly increase the functionality for me.

So that's what is new with me. This past week has been getting back into the swing of things after the trip and knitting my hands off, I need to strike a balance this coming week of not oversleeping (my schedule got off on the trip) so I have ample time to do my morning stuff and then disciplining myself to relegate the knitting to the evenings and not try to do it during the day, when I have chores or piano practice ;)

All in all, it's moving in the right direction. I just need to keep it that way.

*** points to anyone who gets the reference

We just returned from our four day trip up north to Fairbanks, visiting friends and attending a meeting there. I am SO glad to be back! Nonstop takeout and junk food took its' toll and bounced me up the scale with sodium and probably a solid pound or two, I'm giving it a week back on my normal eating and activity schedule to see what the real situation is. Once again, I have solidified in my own little brain that I am a creature who thrives on routine. On the fly, traveling, crazy busyness just isn't for me!

I just got off the bike this morning with an easy, respectable 7.8 miles and bible study tucked away. Today will also be busy, but for different reasons. I am doing a cake decorating class with a friend and have to run around for supplies and bake up a cake to work on tonight. This is fortuitous, as it is also my littlest one's birthday! That's right, little Seth is one today. And yes, it is going by way too fast.

I'm going to decorate his cake in class tonight and we'll probably celebrate tomorrow evening, so if my camera is cooperating I should have some cute pictures to follow.

I'm off to the shower and on with my day. Wish me luck!

Just a quick update - things are still good in this house, schedule is working well. Yesterday I was feeling a little run down and exhausted so I skipped the morning stuff and regretted it, so despite getting about four hours of sleep I still managed to complete a chapter of the study and get half an hour (and eight miles) on the bike.

Now, the greater task: try not to drag the rest of the day!

Good morning!

With only a little sleepiness and gritting of teeth I have begun my slightly modified daily schedule. The kids have a setup that already works, so it has just been a matter of tweaking my time to make room for all the important things (bible study, exercise, piano practice, husband time, etc etc) without foregoing too much sleep. I essentially swapped my exercise and piano practice blocks, as I was sleeping through the piano way too much and my brain wasn't awake enough when I DID practice to do much effective work. So now I am waking just before 7:00, doing my bible study until 7:30, and then working out from 7:30-8:00 am. I'd love to have hour blocks for both the study and working out, but that has me waking up early enough that I couldn't stick with it when I tried. This is much more doable. Piano practice got bumped to the 3:00-4:00 pm slot, right before I wake the kids from their naps and begin dinner prep.

The thing I think has been missing most from my time lately is self discipline. I've gotten lazy and complacent as a default, just getting by, and it crept into multiple parts of my life - eating, worship, fitness, and yes, even meal prep and parenting. But as with every other time I have tried to 'relax' my personal standards and spend more time in leisure or relaxation, I have gotten thoroughly sick of the result which is constantly feeling lazy, behind the curve, and seeing a mounting pile of unfinished tasks. Extra sleep or a few more minutes reading a book just isn't worth that, especially when I have found that if I discipline myself to get to bed when both me AND my husband need it, I manage to get everything done WITH enough rest to manage it all. Go figure, right?

As a Christian I am supposed to be characterized by wisdom and self discipline, not laziness and foolishness. I know this intellectually, and yet I find I must be vigilant, year and after, to walk in the manner I know God has commanded me and not slip into what I find temporarily convenient, but what ultimately costs me far more than it affords. There are a plethora of scripture on this topic - especially in Proverbs - but as always the Bible has no power unto itself to change men. I really had to go cry out to God and beg Him to control my will in these areas to overcome this sin I have struggled with my whole life (a lack of diligence in the taste set before me). Even knowing what to do wasn't enough - I had to put it into action and I praise the Lord He changed my heart enough to manage. On my own power I can't make it through a single day in the manner I need to, as the past few months have shown.

Lesson learned and hopefully remembered. One task at a time I need to be diligent. This crosses into cleaning, crafts, eating, the way I instruct my children - having a hard working attitude and a willingness to say no to myself to serve others as I am commanded is necessary in almost every moment of my day as a mother and wife. This is the calling the Lord has given me, I will answer and fulfill it joyfully and to the best of my ability. For me, that means rising early and consistently and beginning my day with a study of the Word and a disclipline to take care of my body. I need it in good shape to do everything else I have on my list, after all!

This morning began a new study by Paul Washer called "The One True God", which is a free ebook I cannot recommend heartily enough: http://www.worshipatsgbc.org/Web%20Messages/OneTrueGod-Ed3-online.pdf

It was then capped with 7.7 miles on the bike, and now I'm off to wake the kids, shower, and proceed with the rest of the morning.

As for the site issues, I talked with Peter and we both agree a redesign and combining of all my sites is in order. I need to investigate other journal editors as I am not great with JAWS. With any luck that project of expanding and combining the site will commence in a few weeks' time.

Off to get de-sweated ;)

Well, I haven't poked my husband about setting up another blog for me, but it's on the list. I did, however, want to give good news on the diet and exercise front - I'm officially back in the saddle! I was on plan yesterday and today without issue, and even got in 7.5 miles on the bike this afternoon.

Now I just have to keep this up, one day at a time. That's all it ever is - not fifty pounds or marathons, but another solid meal or set of steps. One good habit replacing a bad one. Momentum.

Given my rear hasn't graced that bike seat in two months and some change, it was important to note this day in bloggy history ;)

I feel like I need to account for my time spent on here, since I'm not exercising but not off the wagon, either! I'm considering adding a tab for my piano related stuff as I want to talk about it, but my weight loss buddies probably aren't interested. Any thoughts?

On the weight loss front, I haven't managed to balance back in exercise yet, it is still woefully lacking. For no reason other than strength and endurance I want to get that back in, but I don't see much good in forcing it when I am already tired, either. Dilemmas, indeed! On the food front, I'm at about 60/40 good eating to lazy, indulgent eating. I still need to get that under control but every day I am hanging in there. Most of the time I am doing fabulously until about 8:00 pm, and then I snack or at dessert and kill it. It's head hunger, not physical, and so I really just need to exercise my 'no' muscle and close the kitchen or drink tea, and that is my challenge to myself this week.

I've been forgetting to weigh most mornings, for some reason, so my progress tracking has been lazy, but I feel like I am mostly maintaining. There are certainly worse things to do than that! We're coming upon the time to try for another baby and so that is much of my motivation to drop another ten or fifteen pounds and maintain there (and I still need a new purse!), please be praying for me as I work at seeing the 180's before another baby. I really wanted to be in the 160's, but I couldn't anticipate the months of complacency, sickness, and food struggles this summer and fall turned into. And since I am in this for this, I am fairly gentle with myself and my 'failings' in food, which is just one of those lifelong character struggles I have to manage. It's doable, but I accept it isn't linear and I'm still learning and trying to further shape habits I have had for years. I've been successful in losing and keeping all but about four pounds off, I just need to take a stepwise approach and reform that little bit more to make more progress down the scale. Little, permanent changes are the name of my game, and it isn't a quick or easy process, but it is one I can stick with (and that is what matters!).

This morning was 197.6, for no particular reason. That's acceptable, but I don't like it. So now all that remains is to do the work and better it. I'm up for the challenge!

I'm still here, plague-ridden and sluggish as I am things are going pretty well. We're halfway through the week-without-Daddy and so far doing pretty good, all things considered. With Nyquil and coffee, alternately, I'm managing to function well enough that stuff is getting done, kids are surviving, and only a few too many cartoons are being watched.

As for my eating, it has been solidly good some days and pretty bad others, in equal measure, so I am losing very slowly or holding steady, spending on the day. I'm trying to take it one good meal at a time. Last night was heavy overindulgence on takeout sushi, and while it was tasty I am looking forward to eating at home tonight. A sweet friend from my church called when she heard I was sick and offered (insisted) to bring me and the kids and meal and help out around here a bit. While I refused the help because I didn't want her kids getting sick, I will happily accept her cooking for a day, so I am looking forward to a nice stew and banana bread. I am so grateful for her tenderness and care, it is a huge blessing to me!

Exercise has been non-existent for a month or two, and the reason is actually not laziness. I have gotten very heavily back into my piano practicing and am loving it, I finally modified my practice approach and it revolutionized the way I felt about the whole endeavor (I've been doing it wrong for years, it turns out, and that was why I was apathetic about playing and not progressing, even as a child. They tell you to practice and never actually explain what that entails!). So my exercise block in the afternoon is now translating to an hour of piano practice. While it burns calories, it isn't quite the same as time on the bike ;)

I need to figure out how to adjust my daily time allotments to fit both in, but so far I haven't managed. That is my second project down the list - my first is getting disciplined about bedtimes again, so I can wake and do my bible study instead of needing more sleep. It's always a tradeoff, but that is one I can't afford to make. I HAVE to be disciplined about sleep and I've let it slide for two months - it shows, too, in weight issues as much as snappy tempers and listlessness. No more. It isn't worth it and it's about time I decided that! My lack of discipline in this area affects my husband and children too, and that is the last straw!

So anywa, that's where I am. I weighed in at 194.6 yesterday and 198 today, thanks to the Japanese and sodium content of last night. Such is life, and onward I go.

Right in the knick of time, as I was about to post about how I was finally feeling better and back on track(ish), what happens to me?

Oh, right. I get sick a THIRD TIME with the cold/flu bug from hell. Seriously, it is only a slightly mutated version of the same one. Gee, thanks immune system. Now we're OVER a month of nearly solid debilitating exhaustion and pain.

It is 4:00 in the afternoon and I haven't eaten yet. I think it's about time I drag my sorry bum to the kitchen and fuel it. Fortunately my husband is letting me rest today, but sadly he is out of town from tomorrow morning to late Friday night, so any breaks are non-existent from here on out.

I'm praying I'll be able to manage without too much exhaustion. Keep me in your thoughts, please :(

I had a few days respite this past week but alas, as of yesterday I have been reinfected with this cold/flu nonsense AND another bout of pink eye, likely from my children and makeup brushes, respectively. I was so wiped out the past two days, and so waking up with symptoms this morning was less of a surprise. I'm bummed, I hate being sick and nit makes diet and exercise SO much harder for me, but that's my lot right now.

I'm still struggling against overeating, complacency, and fatigue. Every day I start out on track and just do my best to stay on it. I'm usually good until after dinner, and then the overeating hits, so right now that is where I am focusing on white knuckling a few days to get back in the habit. I need three solid days on plan to get the ball rolling and I know I can do it again. Illness just complicates it a bit.

Here's to focusing on my health - apparently ALL aspects of it, not just diet and exercise! I'm not doing terribly, hanging in there at 196 (I refuse to regain more), but what I really want is to be in the 180's and the losing side of the equation is what is eluding me. So I maintain for today, and hope for losses tomorrow. When my head is about to explode and my throat feels like I swallowed razor blades, it's the best I can do!

Just a quick note here - I am not dead or off the wagon, though I might as well be the former, with how I am feeling. Sickness aplenty has been visited upon this house, and in the past two weeks I have had a flu-like thingy, head cold, and pink eye (of all things!) in rapid succession. Bein sick has thrown off my body, made me retain water, had my appetite vacillating between non-existent and ravenous, and overall been quite a ride for weight loss. So I've been tracking my food and weighing when I remember to, but it's more out of habit than any purpose right now.

My focus is on getting better (I'm at the tale end of the pink eye and head cold) and then moving forward. Until then, no official weigh ins or caring about showing losses, because there is too much else going on. I'm so glad I generally have a good immune system, because the past two weeks has sucked!

Just a quick note - I am back on plan for the most part and was down about 1.5 pounds from last week, which wasn't bad considering I had a huge overeating day Saturdy and started my cycle again the morning of my official weigh in (thus, water retention). There isn't much to say other than that I am just doing what I always do and my goals remain the same. I am eager to get into the 180's, but I need to be a little more disciplined with myself to do it. I can maintain really easily, but the extra restriction it takes to lose weight is a struggle for me. So now it is that matter of having to decide, daily, that I want to lose weight more than I want seconds, that cookie, a nibble of this or that, etc etc.

I'm doing it, but this week I am challenging myself to do it even better. Three solid days on plan would be awesome. I was 194.6 this morning, as a side note. It IS improving, even if it is at a slow rate. I don't have any particular deadline, so it doesn't matter to me :)

My official weight for this past week, as of this morning, is 196.6. That's already almost a full pound down from yesterday's weight, so it's probably accurate enough.

I'm glad to be done with that nonsense, truth be told. I hate traveling, hate hotel food, and HATE regaining weight. But it had to be done, and my weight fluctuated up during this season and shall go right back down as I get back to my norm. It's not the end of the world, certainly, and is completely under my control to change. I admit, though, that I am thrilled to be one of those steady Eddie kind of people, who likes to live in predictability and actually has the means to do so, most of the time. Because this busyness I've been mired in the past three months has been one of the most wearying experiences of my life. My husband and I have both decided we're never committing to so much stuff again. Other families can do it and thrive, we simply cannot.

I'm off to make some breakfast and start the day, and very excited to show a good loss next Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Well, I went to the wedding in California (Vegas, actually, but I drove there from California to spend more time with my family on each side of the event) and it was just a stressful, crazy, and busy as I thought it would be! Lot of fast food, salt galore, and a weird schedule that changed every day. I'm not a giant fan of traveling anyway, let alone with an almost-crawling baby, but I survived and looked great doing it.

I will see if I can get a photo from the wedding so you all can see you cute I looked in my dress ;)

I did not make my goal of 189 for the wedding, I was just shy in the 190-191 range. That's okay, though! I tried hard and still lost weight, just not as much as I was hoping. I'm not picky enough to declare that less than a victory, even if I didn't win first place. I had a heck of a time once I got back, with the exhaustion of the whole thing, and then my husband having back to back trips out of town for almost the entire rest of the week, I succumbed to emotional eating and struggled mightily with not bingeing over the weekend. I was waiting for sodium and water retention to subside from traveling and didn't hop on the scale all week - I think that was a mistake, because it made it easier to ignore the overeating in the evenings my husband was away, but yesterday I got it back under my thumb and am back on track now. Tomorrow will be my official weigh in and, whatever the number, I'll move down the scale from there.

As of today I am up a good 4 pounds or so, probably helped by the salty soup I had for dinner last night, but my calories were on target and will continue to be, that four pounds and hopefully another 40 more will be gone soon enough.

I just need to go back to taking it one choice at a time, I WILL break through the 190's, it is a matter of when, not if.

It's good to be back here :). I hope the rest of the summer finds you as well as it finds me.

The difference a day or two can make.

Thanks to my period, my normal weight patterns, and miscellaneous food and exercise influence, my weight at the beginning of the week kept bouncing around the 192 and high 191 range. This morning? 190.6.

Mid week is kinder to me, apparently (and Aunt Flo is decidedly NOT).

Another thing I must just accept and not fight - somewhere along the line, I inexplicably became sensitive to caffeine. I spent several hours last night jittery, tossing and turning in bed, with weird racing heartbeats every few seconds, thanks to a glass or two of iced tea in the hours before bed. I have noticed the same issue, more dramatically, with coffee, but apparently tea does me in as well. So if I want a functional morning I need a restful night, and thusly the caffeinated drinks must be much further from bedtime than an hour or two. It appears I take about three or four hours to fully metabolize caffeine, so none of it after 7 pm should suffice.

The lesson for today, folks? You ARE your own science experiment! Play around with the variables and figure out what is best for you. Also, be completely unsurprised when it changes. What didn't bother my system three years ago is kryptonite to me now. And as my body weight diminishes, the effects of stimulants and depressants (like caffeine and alcohol) become more pronounced. All of this is interesting to me, and just another piece of the puzzle of living life healthy and well.

See you on Monday, it's the day before I fly out to California for my brother's wedding and I am working my tail off to have a number in the 180's to report to you by then. I WILL make this goal! I'm so close I can taste it. Adios!

Maybe I should just change my official weigh day to Tuesday, because I am always a good pound lighter than on Monday or Sunday! Today was 191.4, which was what I was before VBS started, so all's well that ends well as I am officially tying my all time low (for the past eight years, anyway!) just a few days after the fact. I did the best I have ever done with the sugar this go around. Still not phenomenal and the picture of self discipline, but darn close.

With slightly more seriousness, what do we think about me changing my official weigh-in to Tuesday? I kind of feel like I am cheating the system, knowing I am lower that day than Monday, but I always feel like it is more representative of my actual weight than any weekend carb bloat that is residual on the weekend. On the other hand, one of the big accountability factors for my weekends is that I can't go nuts or it skews my weigh in, and doing a mid-were check in would diffuse some of that incentive.

Maybe I'll give it a try for a few weeks and see if, at this point in my journey, I am controlled enough in my normal default habits that I don't need that looming accountability of my 'official' daily weight being reported every Monday. Because honestly, Tuesdays have always been the kindest to me for some reason.

It was a weird, busy week, and we won't even mention the food funkiness the VBS schedule required and induced, all at once. Yet? I clocked a small loss and essentially maintained for the entire week! Given how crazy the whole thing ends up being, not gaining a few pounds from sugar and stress eating is impressive, enough!

I clocked in this morning at 192.6, and I still have a few days to get over the limit or as close to 189 as I can, before assessing whether I made my monthly goals. I'm pretty proud of myself and the hard work the past two weeks has taken to remain even moderately on plan, and I'm so happy to be able to resume my normal schedule. Not a moment too soon, either, as the wedding is in just over three weeks and I want to look my absolute best!

It's over.

With help from my husband and a bang up awesome team in the kitchen with me, we made it through another VBS. Unfortunately this one broke me emotionally, and after four years I will not be volunteering in another (anywhere in the forseeable future, anyway!). It's causing too many issues and upheaval for my family, as well as some struggles and disagreements between us and the leaders of the event. I don't really want to go into detail, but taking a step back and knowing my personal limits on involvement (which I exceeded this week) is really necessary for my spiritual health. When I am too busy or stressed it is a real temptation for me to sin, and my pride in wanting to do well gets the best of me.

So no more, the past two months have been absolutely insane and I'm DONE. Many of these things were good and a blessing, but I'm in a season where I simply need to be doing less, and stick with that for a year or two. I will be doing a lot of praying and hope God gives me some peace over the decision to remove myself from involvement in so many activities.

As for food and exercise, I don't even know. Yesterday was crazy and today I'm not particularly hungry, so I'm going to give it a few days of rebalancing and eating my normal fare before passing judgment on my weight. I couldn't even guess if, once the sodium haze has cleared, I will be down in weight or the same. I have a sneaking suspicion I maintained this week, we'll see!

Excuse me while I pass out, now ;)

Anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time knows that my nemesis has rolled around.

This week is VBS week, in which I, the snack coordinator, am exposed to massive piles of junk food for hours on end the entire week. With stress. And enabling social eating.

My goal is to survive the week and not melt down. So far it is going fairly well. I'm also not veering too terribly off plan. I'll be glad when Saturday rolls around though, no question.

My weight is bouncing between 191-193, as predicted. Salt, lots of standing, carbs, and stress aren't helping much, and my ankles are swelling like they do at the end of pregnancy. But other that that, I'm doing pretty well.

I'll report in with more next week, as my brain is mush for the rest of this one!

Just another reminder of how fickle our bodies can be, and that basing our self esteem or perception of losses on the scale, alone, is missing a huge part of the equation.

I was 195 on Monday, 194 on Tuesday, and today I'm 191.4.

That's a massive drop.

It's also more in line with how my calories have been for the past two weeks.

But it didn't show up on the scale until today.

Why, you ask?

Well, the last day of my period was Tuesday. My hormones shifted and regulated again, and I shed a significant amount of water I had been retaining. Water, that has been masking real losses of fat for the past week. If I had been going solely on the scale I'd have been frustrated, with two weeks of very little apparent progress. But my clothes were fitting slightly looser (except around my bloated lower abdomen) and my face was looking less puffy, even after the Hot Dog Debaucle of a camping trip.

Women, in particular, generally do NOT lose weight linearly. Our monthly cycles dictate our losses, and while most women will lose 4-8 pounds a month if sticking to a 500 calorie a day deficit, many will NOT lose 1-2 pounds per week. If they are anything like me, they hold steady, lose a ton, bounce up a bit, move back down, and hold steady again, before repeating the cycle in another two to three weeks. If I am faithfully on plan I almost always have big whooshes of weight every three weeks or so, followed by my body bouncing around a pound or so on either side before resetting at that point and then moving further down the scale. Unfortunately this cycle is punctuated by major hormonal cravings and if I give in too excessively it can affect my loss pattern and slow it down, but the basic structure is the same month to month, if I am not pregnant.

I am thrilled for the whoosh, but I am also expecting (and won't be too terribly annoyed by) my weight bouncing up a half pound or so by weigh day, as my body gets used to this new range (191-193) it is in, instead of the old range (194-196). But slowly and surely the scale IS moving, and I am so happy that I may be able to make my tentative goal of 189 by the end of June. We'll see, it's not the end of the world if I don't, so long as I am heading in the right direction. But hormones or not, if I am consistently pushing a calorie deficit I DO lose weight, even if it looks a little crazy day to day the pattern emerges from the seemingly random numbers. This alone is a reason I suggest daily weighing to those who can do it, I would have NEVER made sense of the seemingly crazy weight fluctuations I experience without a consistently, long-ranging log of it.

Hormones. Weight loss. It's a side of the equation I don't think gets talked about enough. And that's a shame, because I get the feeling a lot of yo-yo dieting women would benefit greatly from an understanding that not seeing losses like clockwork after two weeks doesn't mean they're doing something wrong, and that sticking with it vigilantly WILL pay off. After three years of slow but earnest efforts, I can say it is infinitely better to lose slowly and unsteadily than to give up and never try at all. I've failed by conventional dieting standards, and failed off over 65 pounds.

To me, I'd say that 'failure' looks a whole lot more like victory ;)

Well all in all it wasn't too bad, I suppose. I weighed in at 194.0 on Monday. It's essentially holding steady from last week.

The issue? I stayed on plan like GLUE all week, was down to the low 193's, and then had to go on a weekend camping trip with my family and church.

Camp food.

You know the type, right? S'mores, hotdogs, etc etc?

Yeah. Pretty much obliterated any calorie deficit I was maintaining for the week, which is just a wee bit frustrating. The good news is that I was on plan before and on plan immediately after getting back, and lost no significant ground. The bad news is that I would have traded the whole trip just to not have to go off plan. I hate stutters in my resolve like that, where I don't even WANT to go off plan but circumstances dictate that I will. I didn't go badly off plan, but I would have preferred to spend my weekend eating normally and not junk. It wasn't even particularly good junk, and if I am going to blow calories I at least want to ENJOY them!

This week and the next and going to be incredibly stressful. It is VBS next week and thus there is both junk food and stress in droves, as I am the snack lady for 140 kids and the snacks are all various types of calorie dense, sugary food. That's just the way the curriculum plans them. Not terrible, but strawberry jam biscuits, popcorn, apples with dip, cookies, etc etc... None of them are diet friendly, and stress makes me tend to shove my face anyway.

My plan is going to be an exercise in control. One meal at a time, planned out from the morning, with allowances for my healthier type of fun food (Italian cream sodas, dark chocolate, home-made popcorn out of the wok, etc etc). I am going to chew gum like nobody's business and suck on mints to avoid putting the piles of sugar into my mouth, licking any empty batter bowls, or generally grazing on stuff that makes me crave more carbs and lose less weight, it's just not worth it to me anymore, to indulge on that stuff. I'm not there, my head is in loss mode, so I can't gracefully accept a junk week as 'okay' right now. If I hold steady or lose a small bit during the next two weeks I will consider that a massive victory, in the face of the hours of being immersed in sugary floury fluff that will make up my evenings.

I WILL get this weight off. I'm done with the 190's and not willing to languish here any longer than necessary. One pound at a time, one choice at a time, my butt is down and out of here! And no VBS treats will stop me from achieving that goal!

That would be me, when I look in the mirror some days and SWEAR I look as bad as I did at 260, though it isn't humanly possible that I am packing that much jiggly fat somewhere when I am 60 pounds lighter.

Before trying to lose weight, I never understood the concept of 'fat days', I honestly have no recollection of ever staring myself down in the mirror and scrutinizing my body, noticing bloat or jiggle. For better or worse, I didn't analyze my body or looks in that particular way until after 2008, when I began changing things and the state of my body became of central importance in my choices and routine.

I was 193.0 today, now that the ovulation-induced water retention has subsided and I am in the back end of my cycle. I am the lightest I have been since high school, that I have verified on a scale. I fit into 16's with my 38I breasts and child-spread hips, and the slight muffin top of loose skin is subsiding even more. I remember when I couldn't get those old jeans up over my thighs, when they looked almost impossibly tiny next to my size 22's (that, let's face it, should have been 24's if I wasn't in denial). I remember 14-16 being holy grail sizes when I just wanted to be comfortable moving again, and not be the fattest person in any room I walked in.

So why, oh why, have those pants started look massive? Why do my XL shirts (the knit ones are on the loose side, when I buy more I definitely need a size down) seem huge and ungainly, coming from a woman who was solidly in 3x at one point? I could scarcely tell you. Most days I think I look phenomenal. I feel wonderful, sexy, full of vitality. But every one in awhile I notice the sagging skin or jiggly leftover fat that used to be firm. My logical brain tells me that it is jiggly because it is on it's way off my body and loose, not pulled taut by fat packed around my organs anymore. That the loose skin is as much from babies at weight loss, and well hidden by clothes. That there is even a huge difference between 193 and 213, and I remember feeling lovely at that size.

Fat days, it seems, have become a regretful part of my vocabulary.

The only cure for them, I have found, is perspective. Lifting a Costco sack of flour and realizing I have lost the weight equivalent of three of those, or picking up both girls at once and understanding I used to sound every waking moment with that weight. Looking at old pictures or trying on old clothes is also a huge eye opener, and a blessing to me when I don't let myself get discouraged about it ;)

Knowing also, that part of the reason I have good and bad days is that I am small enough now that bloat makes a DIFFERENCE in my clothing fit! The sizes and styles at the higher end of my weight were so generous I didn't notice five extra pounds either way, in the ease of the garment. Comforting myself that a little critical eye applied to my figure can be motivating and focusing in working toward my mini goals, but being conscious of never veering into self loathing or unrealistic perspectives on my own figure (body dysmorphia).

Do you ever have 'fat days'? How do you handle them?

When I stick to my plan I lose weight, novel concept, no? I was 194.4 today, which is a new low, and attributed solely to being consistently on plan without any veering this week. I shouldn't be surprised, but a part of me is. I know how the science and chemistry of weight loss works and yet, when I have spent some time 'in the wilderness' of complacency, so to speak, it always seems just a little bit like magic to get back on the trail and see that my hard work actually DOES net me results when I don't self-sabotage.

I have been dreadfully lazy on my exercise, working on my sewing or kitchen organization instead, but I'm not sweating it. With me, the eating has always been the most crucial side of the equation. I like working out, but in a stressful week like this one I am trying to tread water and not burn out before my husband is available to help, and if that necessitates me taking a nap or moderating my exercise, so be it!

We'll talk about sabotage another day, but needless to say my monthly craft night is coming up. I am sticking firmly in the 'bring a healthy snack and eat it!' camp this month, because I really want to get this weight off. I dawdled for months and have been doing better, but I'm done with the 190's. No more being psyched out, I'm ready to leave them for good. That includes finally being ready to say NO to extra calories I don't need. Getting to this point took some time, I couldn't force it, but I am certainly thrilled to be here now!

First to get out of the way - with a week that was half great, half mediocre, in terms of eating, I clocked in at 195.2 today, a nice loss. I'm happy with it, given the circumstances surrounding it.

I am doing better at sticking to my plan when I am on it, but now I am struggling with the title of this post, consistency. I need to do what I know works 95% of the time, and I'm at around 70% adherence. It's better, a real step in the right direction and I am feeling great, but it'd time to up the ante and work back into allowing some grace with my eating (like junk) without flying off the rails and overeating on it. For now, I have an embargo on some things I used to be able to eat in moderation, like pizza and granola, until the cravings beast has subsided. It is no surprise that my last two week tailspin coincided with my monthly cycle, but considering that we are waiting for awhile for another baby I am going to have to find a way to manage those monthly hormone fluctuations without eating the (sugary) house every three weeks. I've done it before, I know I can do it again, but action is the name of the game.

I have been experimenting with adjusting my food logs. I used to fill them out as I was making a plate, but I have begun planning the entire day's food quantities at the outset, and that actually maky be helping me. It takes away some of the open-ended, last minute food decisions that I was overindulging in, and gives me some additional peace that I WILL get enough to eat, as I can see it coming up on the log. Sometimes I psyche myself out with hunger and go nuts, so having a framework in place when that ravenous evening hunger comes around may be that last bump I need on the consistency side of things, to get to where I want to be.

This week and next are filled to the brim with stress. I am trying to cope other ways than eating and we'll see how that pans out!

I was commenting on Diane's blog this morning and it brought me around to thinking about goals. She was talking about hard goals and 'you'll know when you get there' softer targets, and I figured it was time for another goal discussion to keep me on track.

You see, the past four of five months I have been struggling with the scale and maintaining when my goal has been to lose. I haven't wanted it enough to discipline myself in a significant way, and quite frankly I do struggle with both hunger and every persistent boredom eating while nursing. These things are just facts of life I have to deal with, and they CAN be managed in a way that doesn't interfere with my losing weight. I've done it before and I'm doing it now, but I need to make smart choices.

My hard goals, as I've said before, are 189 (insurance discount weight, which I am only about five pounds from, these days), and 160. I have checked several other hard goals, including 199, off my list. While I still occasionally touch it with overeating and water retention, I know that the further I get down the scale the less I'll have issues with 'sticking' below a certain weight.

Being in the 180's will be nice, as it is an ever more popular, normal looking weight for a woman. I am also looking forward to the financial discount on our health insurance premium, and a beautiful new purse at 180. I'm going there, I'm going to GET there, and I'd like to do it (if I can) before July. That's my goal. If I don't make the time goal, no sweat, but I have been working hard to hit it and will continue to do so. 170, as an aside, has the reward of a matching wallet to go with that purse.

160 is my holy grail, sexy weight. The best body time of my life, where I was active, curvy, and quite attractive, was around 160. I haven't seen it since I was 15, and I know I my heart that even ten years and three kids down the road, I can and should see it again. It is completely attainable, if only I do the steps I know will get me to that end. I haven't even decided what I will gift myself when I hit 160 - likely some glamour shots or professional family photos with the kids, as I find we have very few of those.

Below 160 is what Diane was describing as a soft goal, where I don't have a specific number in mind but I will know when I get there. 145 is kind of my lower-end goal weight, but if I don't make it or find it too hard to maintain I probably won't be too broken up about it. Really I can see living my life anywhere between 130-150, if I am disciplined with myself. But those are far off and unimportant right now. My soft goal is looking and feeling great, not having too much difficulty in maintaining, and the weight that happens at is flexible as long as it is below 160. That's the only goal I am focusing on these days, the one that matters most to me.

I have wasted so much time these past few months overindulging and getting into weird head spaces, but in the scheme of things a few years doesn't hurt much. I would love to work at being below 160 by the end of this year, if only because we will be able to try for another baby by then and I'd like to be at or much closer to goal when we do (similar to me wanting to have Seth around 200, tying my children being conceived to weight goals is a great motivator for me). I'm not worried about maintaining my weight once I get there, I'm surprisingly good at keeping myself in a range, but the excess calorie deficit to lose is where I struggle. It has to be done, and at this point I have run out of excuses, celebrations, and time to dawdle any longer. My hard goals are set, I know what needs to be done and how to do it, and I am in the midst of exactly that.

It's a good feeling.

189, 160, 145? Here I come!

For my HYC check in, I admit I was a little sheepish. My weight has been all over the place on the high side for the last week and a half, thanks to much celebrating and junking around. I have been back on plan doing damage control and trying my darndest to get into the 180's. I'm not there yet, but from a high of 201-something on Sunday, I'm at 195.4 today. Some of that was water retention and carbohydrate issues but considering my weight has been in the 196-198 range all month, some of it is genuine, nose-to-the-grindstone weight loss, too.

Not a moment too soon. I'm ready, it's time. Hi ho hi ho, down the scale we go!

Here's one reason to not just rely on the scale - the measurements you clock in at various weight can be encouraging, even when the random number generator makes you feel like a hamster on a wheel! I have been frustrated with the teeth-yanking difficulty of the last ten pounds I have lost, mostly due to the head issues fell into on five pounds above and below 200. I retook my measurements and found the frustration of the last six months pretty much melt away in light of the real physiological changes. At the end of the day, losing the inches slowly doesn't matter to my brain as much as the fact that they are GONE, and I have to remember that.

Also, you can definitely tell I gain my weight like an apple, filling out and padding my torso instead of my limbs. From the beginning of this journey, 60+ pounds ago, I have only lost two inches off my arms, as opposed to almost ten off my waist :)

Measurements taken 11/8/11:

WEIGHT: 215.6 (official post-baby start weight)

WAIST: 41 in

HIPS: 50 in

UNDERBUST: 38 in

BUST: 49.5 in

ARMS: 15.5 in

THIGHS: 24.5 in

Measurements taken 5/10/11, with my original size from 10/3/08 in parenthesis

WEIGHT: 196.6 (257-260, minimum)

WAIST: 37 in (46 in)

HIPS: 47 in (55 in)

UNDERBUST: 36 in (46 in)

BUST: 47 in (56 in)

ARMS: 14.5 in (16.5 in)

THIGHS: 24 in (26 in)

So. Not only is the change from six months ago huge, in terms of inches, given how comparatively few pounds I have lost, but the rate of change since beginning this journey is immense. From my 'I've had it, this HAS to change, NOW!' moment while trying on clothes in October of the year my second daughter was born, to seven months out from the birth of my son, I have lost a grand total of 62 pounds and 40 inches.

40 INCHES! That's more than my oldest daughter is, tall! Thats HUGE on the days I feel massive and can't see any change, realizing the entire topography of my body has changed and I am a much smaller, healthier, and yes, happier person for it, makes all the difference in my outlook. I was frustrated and lackadaisical for months, but this was the last straw to jolt me completely out of it. I AM successful, and will actively and happily continue to be. I WILL get this weight off. I have a wedding to impress family at, a summer to enjoy, a husband to be sexy with, and the rest of my life NOT being obese to look forward to. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel discouraged. In the end, who CARES if it took me almost three years to get here? If I had never started, if it really didn't matter, I'd likely be heavier than my starting weight, as opposed to three clothing sizes smaller, and lethargic, depressed, and a poor role model for my children.

I look different, but more than that I AM different. God has been doing an amazing work in my heart and I am more joyful and peaceful as a result. He has also facilitated this great work on my body, which is slowly and gratifyingly changing it into a functional, healthy shell to help me get through my day. The day to day struggles are still frustrating, but a little perspective on this makes a world of difference. After ten years of being obese and three years of losing, I have a whole life to look forward to at this smaller (and hopefully smaller still!) size. With only small daily habits of food logging and weighing, and daily mindfulness about my eating, I can maintain and improve my body. It is so hard to quantify the vast differences in confidence, self esteem, and quality of life this change in my eating and exercise has afforded me. 40 inches may well have been 40 link of chains, for all the things they kept me from doing. 60 pounds was suffocating the life right out of me, because I told myself the lie that food made me happy and I didn't need restraint.

On days when I still struggle with food being an idol, I need to remember how I feel standing on top of this hill and looking back at where I just hiked. It's a darn good feeling and I don't want to let it go.

I'm still here and doing moderately well. This weekend saw my Anniversary on Friday and Mother's Day on Sunday, as well as my birthday on Thursday of the coming week, I'm in the middle of eating/caking/pampering season for me at this house, and have been enjoying it. Not unrestrainedly, but I've eaten intuitively and not counted calories on most of the out-of-home meals I have had this weekend. It is what it is, but I am looking forward to being more on plan today and getting rid of the bloat and pound or two I regained in the past three weeks.

Once again, when I am off plan I find myself weary of it. It stresses me out and is only fun for the moment I am eating. Otherwise it just throws me off balance and I don't feel well. I don't want that for myself, so the answer is simple enough - put the brakes on and do the work of losing more!

My exercise, conversely, has been better than my eating. Anyone who knows me knows that is rare. I am enjoying moving more and need to get my food to match again. This can happen, I can do this, but it requires rebalancing the equation of my choices so that the good outweigh the bad by a more significant margin. One choice at a time, I WILL take off this last forty like I dealt with the first 60. It is well within my grasp, if only I shuffle forward to it. Slow and stilted is NOT failing, so long as I don't give up.

My weight this morning? 196.8. That number makes me quite proud, in knowledge of how much sushi and frappuccino I indulged in yesterday! :blush:

That's this morning, anyway. A struggle to get going, keep my eyes open, do things cheerfully... I can do it through Christ, and that's the extent of it.

I'm also mysteriously struggling with my diet. Again. Easter threw me off with salt and water retention, then my weight has been higher than it 'should' have been, given what I have been eating and doing (workouts are going great!). I know, logically, that I cannot control the scale, only the behaviors each day, so I am trying to focus on those. I wish I hadn't gotten off track because getting back in the groove is a pain.

I have to do it, however. One meal at a time. Saying no to myself. Spending calories wisely. NO grazing while cooking. I can do it, I can discipline my mine and body, now it is time to buckle down again. If I want health, to look great at my brother's wedding, a cute little purse, and the satisfaction of achieving a normal weight, well then I'd better get my butt in gear!

I will record my weight later, I still have to nurse Seth again (that can throw it off by as much as half a pound, he's a champion eater!), then today is piano lessons on top of the normal schedule, capped by an anniversary dinner with my husband (in which I will do my best to make smart choices, but you better believe I am conserving calories and eating leanly throughout the day to save for it!). We've been married five wonderful years as of this Friday, and he has been such a blessing to me. For him, for our children, for myself, I want the next fifty years to be healthier than the first five. I'm already down lower than I was when we got married, by a significant margin, and I can do better, still.

All things through Christ who strengthens me. Overeating and sinning in regard to laziness and gluttony isn't honoring God, and in this I pray for His strength and discipline. That is my strength - how do YOU conquer your food and exercise issues?

In the midst of cleaning my house top to bottom (and getting rid of tons of trash, organizing, and fifteen or so bags of clothes sorted to go to our church garage sale) for exercise and eating on plan, I managed to drop over three solid pounds last week! Eating 1850 calories a day! I usually lose between .5 and 1.5 pounds each week, but the constant activity in cleaning and organizing seems to have burned a ton of calories. I weighed in at 195.2 and have been solidly in the 195's for several other weigh-ins. Given I was over 200 a week or so ago, this is great progress.

I'm continuing to follow my plan and moving ever closer to my goal *cough*purse*cough*, remaking the habits I got out of - if I'm honest - got out of a few months into Seth's pregnancy. I have lost weight postpartum, about 20 more pounds, and yet every single one was a struggle against apathy, regains, splurges... I feel comfortable now that I am finally back where I want to be, when it comes to the mental work of weight loss. My house in is order, figuratively and literally, I have a working schedule for Peter's new hours that is a blessing to me, I am happy and healthy, my kids are doing well... Everything is aligning in the way I was hoping. This is nothing short of a miracle from God in my life. I have not been able to do this alone, and constant prayer and prioritizing what is really important in my day has made the difference.

I am going to continue my eating, working out (even if it is cleaning instead of formal exercise), and spending each day in an edifying, productive way. That's all I can control, the scale will take care of itself.

The next pictures will be at 189, be on the lookout!

I said I'd check in when it happened, and I went from 198.0 yesterday to 197.0 today, which takes me over the threshold into 60 pounds lost. I am also well on my way through the second half of my journey to my initial goal weight of 160, from 257 initially (and that's just where I started counting, it is a good 20 pounds lower than my highest weight). I'm firmly back in th groove, and it is a GOOD feeling. As much fun as junk is to eat, I prefer being on plan as it makes me feel better physically, emotionally, and grants me much-desired stability.

Hopefully I can clock another pound or two of loss this week, but either way I'm happy to be lower than I was and over my mental block surrounding 200.

Yes indeed, as the weight in the sidebar indicates I (through God's mercy on me and giving me strength!) managed to reel myself backing and conquer that slight regain to get back to where I needed to be. I had one rough day, due to eating at my FIL's house and baking a birthday cake for my husband (he turned 33 yesterday), but enough good days lead to a solid overall loss and getting back on track.

I have been pretty good about getting my cycling in, as I really do love it. I still need to add in strength training, but right now I want to do the exercise I am consistent on, to build up that momentum. I've been exercising my 'no' muscle regarding most wheat, dairy, and sugar, and that has also helped my control. Now it is time to continue on in my losses. My next major mini goal is 189, and 180 gets me a new (and rather expensive) purse to replace my current one, which has a broken buckle. That, surprisingly enough, is motivating for me. I'm dedicated to keeping it off, but I have found I need smaller, more tangible motivation to actively do more than tread water and maintain.

That's a huge revelation for me!

I'll report in when I get to 60 pounds lost, officially, at 197, but otherwise I will see you all next week, hopefully a pound or three lighter!

PS: This would be the highly motivating purse in question ;)

Day one - normal, scheduled day with standard activities. Decent sleep, kept on track time wise, started off with the right breakfast, followed with a big lunch and light dinner. Exercised well, probably went 700 calories in deficit overall.

Day two - hectic, off the normal scheduled activities. Poor sleep, running late, started off with a weird breakfast, had a decent but nutritionally unbalanced lunch, waited over eight hours to eat dinner and ended up frantically bingeing from sheer hunger (errands made the meal late). No exercise, probably went 700-800 calories in excess of my plan.

The lesson the past two days probably attests to? I can stay on plan and disciplined if things go normally, if I can indeed stick to my guns and have a plan that works for me if I say no to myself. If things go awry, I get more and more off track. Skipping meals is the absolute worst. I stay on plan much better in the evening if I exercise.

I am a creature of habit, and grateful that the bulk of my days are controlled, scheduled, in my comfortable environment. It would be an ugly, ugly thing otherwise.

Between these two days I maintained. Now it's time to repeat day one and banish day two. Moving on now :)

Despite spending half the week on plan my weight was up this morning to 203.6. Unacceptable. I have been working hard at staying on plan and still getting lazy or using excuses, but I'm above the range I will allow for even hanging around at maintenance. Now it's back on plan strictly. My daughter's birthday is over, all major cooking events that have plagued me are out of the way, and there's absolutely no good reason left to fudge around with my calories. Even on days I am more hungry, which I have definitely had, I can look at my logs and see I didn't spend my calorie budget wisely like I could have. That's my new chore to work on. Eating more mindfully again and staying more completely on track.

I am having flares of my skin issues again, so I am limiting my wheat and dairy and cutting out almost all sugar as well, to see if that helps. That, alone, cuts out most of the snacky foods that have gotten me into trouble and should help me stay on plan. I'll report back in with my progress later on.

As always, the journey doesn't stop unless I do!

That would be the best description of my weight this week. I'm not even bothering to record a weigh-in, as it has been all over the place thanks to workout water retention (sore muscles, yay!), various eating occasions, and wildly varying levels of nursing and sleep. I was 202 on Monday, 204 yesterday, and 199.8 today. I gained two weeks ago, maintained last week, and have been teetering between losing the excess previously gained and bumping up with the weird weight fluctuations this week. Gah!

The good news is that even with baking plates and plates of junk as I have had to do the past week, I've burned out on the junk without a massive regain. I'm slightly tempted, but not enough to eat it instead of protein. And when I exercise, I tend to stay on my eating better. Maybe it is a subconscious attempt to not sabotage my tangible hard earned work? Who knows, but it works!

I know I need to strength train more, my resistance bands keep staring at me as I get on the bike, but I enjoy light cardio so much! I also burn more calories doing it, even though building muscle mass has greater long term benefits, right now I know I will be more consistent with the bike than the bands. For me, setting up that daily workout habit again is more important, and the calorie leeway I gain from exercising hard with cardio is a good buffer as I am trying to get my willpower muscle (saying no to my inner two year old, who tantrums for junk) back in shape, too.

I'm just doing the best I can. I have said it for over a month, but I am so ready for this weight to be off! For awhile my mind wanted it but not badly enough to take my will captive and discipline myself to sticking to my diet, I just floated around in maintenance. Then I realized I was being complacent, and after that was just in a funk over the whole thing. I'm still in a funk, but it's a different kind. I look in the mirror and am so AWARE of my weight. I feel heavier at 200 than I did 70 pounds heavier, because I wasn't aware of myself. Now I am, and it's amazing how my mind tries to play tricks on me regarding my size. I know I am still slimming down and look fine, but days I go off plan I swear I can see the food hanging off of me! Trying to remember to be kind to myself and not overly critical has been very important this week, but ironically the overcritical side of me is the one that is driving me back to better habits and away from complacency. I look fine, but not how I want to. I feel fine, but not how I know I can. I know I can do better, it's time to do it.

And I've been doing it. The past two days have been solid. Today will be, as well. Heck, its our weekly pizza night and I know it tempts me, so my husband is picking me up a controlled and less caloric dish instead, my favorite sub from Subway. And it sounds JUST as tasty to me as the pizza, but without the ability to go get another piece and a lot less calories for fullness it provides. I'm actively on my way back down the scale, that's important. While I hope I can proceed speedily out of the 190's, at this point I'll just take a solid pound a week loss without complaint.

To finish, despite being a little critical of my appearance lately (knowing I regained two pounds), I'm still darn proud of myself. Three pounds is the maintenance swing I allow myself, on either side of the weight I am at, if I am maintaining. I wasn't trying to maintain, so it was a regain, but I caught myself before I really flew off the rails and am fixing it. I don't consider the regain a failure, I knowingly overate every calorie of it. Given that I ate too much, saw it and corrected it within a week? That's success, in my book. Maybe not as nice as losing more, but in terms of the scheme of my life, knowing how to deal with eating, overeating, and ending up back where I want to be is a hugely important skill. I am really proud of myself for making it back and doing as well as ever, instead of giving up and throwing in the towel or staying willfully ignorant of my eating.

Progress, not perfection.

I've finally been able to resume exercise these past few days. The baby is in his own room now, so there is no noise issue, and my knee seems to be finally healed. Some of you may remember I tweaked it before Christmas, mysteriously, on the recumbent bike. I still don't know what caused it, because I have not repeated the issue in the last few workouts on that machine.

I missed that time so I'm glad to be back to it. I'm no great exerciser, but listening to music and getting my heart rate up is something I need, with long days of busyness.

Eating has been better. Tomorrow is my Ladies Craft Night, which has historically been a bit rough for me, but I'm going to do the best I can. See you Monday :)

It was an ugly, ugly week. I had a date night and two days of tons of baking, complete with leftover junk coming home post-event. I weighed in at 201.4, and while I know that is a bit high from the carbohydrates consumed, I am still positive I gained a solid pound.

I've been back on track this week, so all's well that (proceeds?) well. Moving on!

Yes, you read right! New weight progress shots (finally!), because I had makeup on and a cameraman at the same time :)

I'm still struggling mightily to stay on plan every day and am mostly successful. It's just a challenge in this season of flux with us. I'm not giving up at all, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't more vigilance and work now than it has been in a long time. We're right in the middle of fleshing out a new daily schedule and budget, that alone has us in transition. It's going to be full of good changes, but change (good or bad) has never been something I weather particularly well. I like routine and steadiness, so being in-between has been rough and I think it is subconsciously affecting my eating as much as the psyche-out of being 'normal-ish' (what my brain defines anything under 200 as being).

I'm not being complacent anymore, as I mentioned a few posts back, I'm putting up both fists and fighting my way out of it, but as with all things it will take some time to smooth back out. Tomorrow is a date Peter and I scheduled, complete with leaving Seth with a sitter for the first time, and I am SO excited. But I'm going to have to eat lightly all day to balance the special surprise dinner out inthe evening, and even something I am looking forward to as much as this date is still not 'routine', and therefore causing me some plan issues. If I really had to dissect this beyond my own head game, I'd say it as just another way God is working in my life to bring me into humility and reliance upon him. Because even after two-plus years of this, I don't have this under control of my own power. I'm not beyond struggles, slip-ups, and needing daily prayer to get through the food in a healthy, controlled way. Being a person prone to pride, I am really seeing these struggles as a blessing (albeit a difficult, trying one!) because He isn't allowing me to stray far from my need for His strength in these issues. And knowing God is leading me and at my side throughout the entire day, always near me in my time of need in something even as trivial as eating, gives me amazing peace.

Speaking of God strengthening me, the weight pictures we snapped were from Sunday after Church. The difference in ten pounds has been fairly minor, but over the scope of the journey the physiological changes 60-ish pounds lost has caused is HUGE. And since the previous weight shots that obnoxious baby-streched lower abdomen has smoothed out a noticeable bit. The lump at my waistband is actually the shirt bunching a bit, not fat, and my back fat has also diminished a bit since the last time. Twenty more pounds will have me looking really, really normal, I think. Not small, but not noticeably fat. I still think, in seeing pictures of me, people would class me as a 'big girl' (even though I don't feel like one until I see a photo). However given my proportions, 180 will be a sweet, sweet spot. I'm praying I can make it down there without too much more struggle and pain. We'll see.

Now without further adieu, 198.4!

Here's ten pounds ago:

And to contrast from the beginning, the BIG change!

And now the side shots for some contrast!

I think I look pretty cute, chub and all, and when I look at these pictures I see the shape and face I remember from me teenage years coming back out again. I just need to keep my focus on why I am losing, stay humble and dedicated, and let the scale take care of itself. God willing, I can do this!

With the exception of a delicious and sinful little slip-up with an evil concoction called Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie, this was a solid week. As mentioned previously, I reached the 190's and can still scarcely believe it. I am still meaning to take a picture, I keep forgettin to do it and our current camera stinks (our preferred one needs repairing, we're finally getting off our bums to do it!).

My husband started his new job yesterday and it looks to be going well so far. Definitely an adjustment, but a good one. We're looking forward to our tax refund and his first increased paycheck on the same day, actually. Our household budget is remaining almost the same, except for some money being set aside for personal spending/dates each month and increasing our food budget to cover inflation costs. All the extra will be going to debt repayment and accelerating that process, we're hoping to have obliterated our remaining debt except the mortgage by December. *fingers cross*

My eating has been on target, it could be a little tighter (calories spent on real food and not fudgy cookie pies) but I did pretty good overall and cannot complain. And predictably, when I stick to my plan the weight comes off. Funny how that works ;)

I would love to break 60 pounds lost next week, getting into 197. We'll see how that goes. Either way, sticking with calorie counting and journalling is the way I need to go, there's no doubt about it. Here's to persistence (one of my better traits!).

A part of me didn't think it would happen. I believed I'd never get here, I kept sabotaging myself again and again into maintenance, just a few pounds away.

But through prayer, diligence, and hard work, here I am. ONEDERLAND! It's a stupid name, but nothing else quite expresses the excitement and gravity of it.

Me. This morning. 198.8 pounds.

I haven't seen a '1' in front my my weight since high school. I weighed in at 180 something after a 20 pound depression-related gain, moved away from my scale and didn't see one again until I married my husband, and then I was 220-something. This is HUGE. And exciting. And very, very surreal. My highest weight I've seen is 270-something, and I started this journey at 257. So I am 59 pounds down over two years, a pregnancy, and a myriad of breaks to maintain. But I'm here. And I haven't had a regain. Praise the LORD for helping me do this!

I'll take a hallway picture either today or by Sunday, depending on when I next put on makeup and get out of spit up clothes. But either way, it's true and it happened. I overcame my block and whooshed right by 199. I expect to bounce around here a bit, and maybe up above 200 due to water retention for a week or so, but maybe not. This wasn't a fluke, it wasn't luck, it was sticking to the plan I KNOW works. All week long.

So to the 200's, I HAPPILY say 'so long!'. I plan to work hard enough that I never, ever see you again.

198. Wow.

Let's start out with some facts, before we discuss the causes and fixes.

Fact One: Today I was at 202.0.

Fact Two: I began the month a 203.6.

Fact Three: Last Monday, I was 201.6.

Now, have I gained? Effectively no. I'm sick right now and had rice last night for dinner. These both lead to major water retention, and my pattern for the week has not been one of a gain, but of holding steady. For the month, I am just slightly, consistently down (I started the month in the 202-204 range and have ended it in the 200-202 range). But I am still above 200, and not moving down the scale with any consistency or speed.

This isn't a plateau, folks. It's a phenomenon that strikes many long term weight loser and maintainers - complacency. It isn a regain, either. I still religiously count my calories and log my food. I'm not overeating to the point of gaining. But what I AM doing is subconsciously mainaining my weight, even though I am not at my goal and my will says I don't want to stick around here. My body, my brain, my habits, however, are all saying that I DO want to be here. Part of me, enough to override my verbal wishes on the subject, has forgotten how much fat sucks. It sees things are better, and that I look and feel okay. It says 'this is good, you did well, let's enjoy ourselves at this size and not do all that restricting and vigilance'.

Some part of me has decided to become complacent with better, when much better and best is still waiting. I'm not normally the kind of person to settle, but in such a long journey as losing weight, it is easy to ease off your calorie deficit and settle into maintenance. There's nothing wrong with that. Bouncing around a two pound window doesn't make me a failure, evil, bad, or anything other negative moral judgment people might assign someone who is content to remain fat. But complacency doesn't make me slimmer, either. And slimmer is my goal. I want it, but not badly enough to push through complacency with any real vigor.

Until now.

This whole new year has been spent swishing around, being wishy-washy with losing weight. Enough of me hasn't wanted it badly enough to buckle back down. Yesterday that changed. Complacency hasn't gained me any weight, which is a massive adjustment for a woman who ate her way up to morbid obesity through a lifetime of bad habits. Not gaining, and in fact, maintaining a loss and not quitting with logging and counting, is HUGE! I will never diminish my achievements in this area, I worked hard and consistency, even in maintaining, is no small matter. But my goal of being smaller, healthier, more active and energetic - this hasn't gone away. And as spring comes (slowly, this is Alaska, after all!) and the wedding draws more near, the need and desire to get another 20-30 pounds of this weight off in a solid stretch becomes more pressing.

I want to look and feel better. That means it is time to stop stalling myself with my choices and time to say no to my inner two year old a little more often and eat with some discipline. I can't do this on my own, so prayer and action in this area is crucial. But one way or another, my stint with complacency is done. I have a million reasons, good reasons, why I am not moving down the scale. We're in my husband's last week of work before a new job, Seth hasn't been sleeping well, I'm sick and having hormone issues, my social obligations involving food have been through the roof, etc etc etc. All true, all valid.

But now it is time for my reasons TO keep losing weight to out-weight my reasons NOT TO. As previously mentioned, my plan isn't the problem. If I stick to my calorie budget, I lose weight. So, as the ubiquitous Nike slogan says, I need to "Just Do It"!

At least, I think it is week 7. After last week's ugly, ugly weigh in, I buckled back down and stuck to my plan with only a few squishy, slippery days. This morning found me at 200.4-200.8, it gave me differing readouts every time, but either way I am soundly less than I was. This week means business. I will get my butt down below 200, and I will not see above it AGAIN (except maaaaybe pregnancy, but hopefully I'll be low enough the next time I am pregnant that a 30-40 pounds gain would only put me at 190 or so) ever.

I am SO done with a two in front of every weigh in. A one feels much more feminine and much, much lighter in my brain, even if the difference on the scale is only a pound or two. I will also take new pictures at 199 and every ten pounds thereafter, so that is something else to look forward to.

Onward, downward, and happy Valentine's Day to you!

Oh, the superbowl eating was fun. Tasty junk galore, including untold amounts of chips, dip, and hot wings.

The scale on Monday? Slightly less fun!

I spiked up from 201.8-202 over the weekend, to 207-something the next morning. And while I overate enough to probably gain a half pound on the spot, it was a purely evil work of sodium that skewed the scale for the first half of this week. Thankfully I'm back down to the weekend's range this morning, but I HAVE to stop messing around with this overeating nonsense. I'm sticking around the same weight because I have been undisciplined and keep fudging a few hundred calories on my plan, eliminating my deficit each day. That's all well and good, except that I want to LOSE, not maintain.

Clearly I haven't wanted it bad enough to buckle down. Fortunately, that isn't the case anymore. No more pussyfooting around, I've been on plan the past few days and will remain so, because I WILL see Onderland this month and if I don't, it won't be my lack of commitment that is to blame!

I'm just plugging along still, not losing like crazy but slowly inching down the scale toward the 100's. I haven't been particularly strict, nor particularly lax. I'm sticking to my eating plan 80-90% of the time and it is showing. I had a rough, snacky weekend tha turned out to be heavily influenced by hormones. Now that I've completed the worst of that nonsense I hope the craving for sugar goes down and makes my life a little easier ;)

I'd love to say I am focused on exercise, but truthfully my extra time has been focused on being consistent with my piano practice, more than exercise bike and resistance bands. My brain can only focus on so many things at once, so the exercise focus has subsided a bit in favor of other things. I'm okay with that! I'm doing good enough for me, honestly, and living just as I intended when I set out a few years ago - living a healthy lifestyle without food being an unnecessarily huge focus (either healthy OR unhealthy!). The rest is just a constant balance in my life, a struggle with waxing and waning interests demanding my time, and adjusts as needed. That's just fine, so long as I am moving down the scale and happy with myself I don't see a compelling need to change anything.

And quite frankly, a wrekend of lava cake and spinach dip was FUN! But now the fun is over, my nose is back down and I'm moving forward in a more caloric responsible manner ;)

Hey all! Sorry for the continued blog silence, I've been super busy. I'm edging ever closer to 199, and doing well on plan for the most part. I was 204 and some change on weigh day, and 203.2 today. All good things.

If you can keep me in your prayers, I am having some health issues unrelated to weight loss that I'm waiting for news on. Other than that, life is just great right now :)

Take care, friends!

Hey everyone! Is 2011 still going your way? Now that my final holiday obligation is out of the way, it is definitely going well for me. I was clocking down in the mid-204's this week, and even after a very salt and carb-heavy weekend I was down at 205.0 this morning. Honestly, given my weight patterns, I have often thought about moving my weigh day to the middle of the week, as it is when I am lowest. But the accountability of Monday being my official weigh in (and therefore making weekend indulgence much less attractive) beats out any halfnpound benefit I tend to get on Wednesday or Thursday. Weekends are hard enough to maintain my normal eating schedlenon, without me treating it like a free day :)

No exercise progress to report, I'm just chugging along with my daily activities and doing the best I can. Unfortunately Seth is being a bit resistant to a time-based schedule. He does the basic routine (eat, play, sleep) very well, and even in predictable increments of time, but given the variability in when he wakes up some mornings I can't get him down reliably at all the times I'd like too, including during my exercise block. I've also been spending that block of time doing other things, like cooking and practicing piano. So right now my schedule is in a bit more flux than I'd like and that is contributing to my laziness in getting strength training done. It's a reason, but not an excuse.

Overall I am doing well each day, a little lazier than I'd like. I am somehow busy and not getting a lot done, again. Some of that is lax personal discipline, but the bulk of it has just been the nature of our family activities the past month. It won't get much better until February, but I am doing what I can each day to stick to my routine and keep things as regulated as possible. It makes me happier to have a predictable, solid routine. I'm 80% there again, which isn't bad for three months postpartum, but the perfectionist in my wants to go that last 20% before I declare myself 'good' with my time.

How are you all managing your time (and exercise) in this new year?

Unlike so many weight loss blogs, silence on mine doesn't mean I fell off the wagon and got backed over by the wheels a few times, it just means I've been horribly busy :)

I've been so blessed this new year, it's been a wild ride but I'm enjoying it. Just a million little things are culminating to a much happier feeling around our home. My exercise has been nil, which is a bit of a shame, but I've just had other things occupying my time. My diet, however, have been spot on. I'm eating pretty much what I aim to, with no big issues, and feel great! The scale has been cooperating with my efforts and I've lost all holiday weight (the whopping pound there was, anyway ;) and then some. Monday I weighed in at 206 and some change, and the last two days I have been reliably in the 204.4-204.8 range, which feels great. I'm looking less bloated and I love it.

I still have time scheduled for working out that has been sent mostly on fussy kids and loafing, I'm aiming to add my strength training back in and not worry about cardio right now. I'm not quite ready to test my knee again, and the strength training is more important for me anyway (even though I have an easier time getting light cardio done).

Tonight is our (belated) Christmas party for my husband's work, it's at one of my favorite sushi bars, so I am looking forward to that. The older kids are being babysat by grandma and grandpa, and staying overnight at their place, so it will be a little evening break for my husband and me. I'm just hoping Seth decides to cooperate at the restaurant.

Either way, things ar going well here. I've actually had a lot to say on weight loss in general, but been too busy to sit down and type it up. And with the baby currently yelling to get up from his nap, it appears I am once again too busy to talk. Oh well!

Yet another Christmas down, heading into a new decade in just a few days. 2010 was a weird year for me, since I was in the middle of a weight loss journey and yet stuck in stasis, watching the scale go upward no matter my food behavior. In hindsight it messed with my head a little, but I came out the other side at a healthy weight and with very little post-baby fat to lose before being back where I started. In the past two months I have been losing, I have gone from about 215 to a reliable 207, most days. As much as I feel frustrated with what feels like half the month of December ping-ponging around due to holiday overindulgence, the fact remains I am still down for the month (I began at around 211, and thus am down 4-5 pounds even with party eating).

Am I as low as I wanted to be in December? Nope. Am I where I wanted myself to be by the end of the year? Nope again. I am still hopeful to see 205 by this coming Monday, but either way I am happy for any loss and can't get too upset shout not posting bigger numbers when I didn't stay on plan!

My plan, as always, is to stick to my calories and eat primarily healthy, whole foods. I've been doing pretty well with the latter, the former has been my downfall over the past few weeks. For a few days, getting the weight off took a backseat to fun eating. But that is over now, and my priorities have to shift back to where they belong. And so, here's to a week on plan and doing well!

My weight this morning was 207.4 without nursing on both sides, so that accounts for some water weight (so to speak - Seth eats between 4-8 oz per feeding, so I could have had half a pound of milk weighing me down), I'd like to be back to the low 206's or 205 by next week, and shall eat accordingly. Have a wonderful new year, everyone!

Christmastime, I mean.

I really want this season to be over. My social schedule is so uncomfortably busy with any number of food related events and my focus is wavering under the stress and cooking. Some of that, in hindsight, is hormonal. I got my period back at five weeks postpartum, but I thought it may have been some residual bleeding from the birth (definitely not uncommon). But last week confirmed it, the leading was likely the returning of my cycle, as it came back again. How is it that I am so unlucky? I exclusively breastfeed, my kid has never even had a pumped bottle or been away from me, and yet my period returns abnormally early while formula-feeding friends don't get theirs for almost a year? Bummer, either way, and the hormonal shifts cause terrible sugar and carb cravings that I didn't recognize until they had passed, and thus wasn't steeling myself against. These cravings hitright in the middle of massive required baking, and my urge to snack on the junk while cooking and then again at the events was shockingly powerful.

I don't know how much of my gain is water retention, but I definitely wasn't on plan for a few evenings this past weekend. Oh well. While I am frustrated with myself and so tired of eating outside my home, I can't change what has happened. I am just looking forward to all of this junk being over and not having the temptation. I can manage without falling completely off the wagon, but it is still psychologically stressful to keep having so much extra junk shoved at me with few healthy options. I feel no shame in wishing to avoid the temptations completely, rather than being confronted with them and forcing myself to turn away ;)

So yes, the weight. Up to 208.0 from this morning, down from over 210 of salt bloat yesterday. I have a Christmas dinner, cookie social, and office Christmas part left to go (the office party is all the way in January). I am just focusing on keeping on plan every day I can, and will deal with the events as judiciously as possible when they roll around. I still have a lot of weight to shed this year, and every desire to do it. I'm not worried about these events causing uncontrollable backslides with eating, but they are little setbacks that are obnoxious, to say the least!

Be over already!

My eating was solid last week but rough over the weekend... Not terrible, but erasing a few hundred of the calorie deficit I was cultivating and giving me some major bloat, so I made an executive decision to record my weight on a day when it was more reflective of what actually happened last week, thus my weighing in here on Tuesday instead of Monday.

I am down today to 206.6, which is a 1.2 pound loss from last week. Not great, but I'll take it. In hindsight, going badly off plan? Totally not worth it. People keep sending me cookies and I just don't need them, I need to have my husband take them all right away, instead of allowing myself a few and then starting up with cravings again. Also, testing out a fabulous homemade eggnog recipe? Also not worth the calories. Now I remember why I made a pact with myself to not drink my calories unless it is light and in place of a physical dessert.

Even now, the pooch is looking more reduced. I am absolutely looking forward to my 199.9 pictures in a few weeks, and if it makes a visible difference in that after-baby belly. I am not sure if I will reach that by New Year's or just slightly afterward, but I am going to do my level best to stick to my plan like glue and see if I can. A few off days in the past two weeks have really solidified my desire to NOT do it, and therefore lose weight faster and more predicably. It's just another part of the journey, realizing what is and isn't worth the calories to spend!

Exercise is still very limited, do to the random and continued knee pain. I miss it, but limiting it seems best, to avoid permanent injury. If my knees are still bugging me in a few more weeks I will go see a physical therist about it.

Later!

... but after about a year at and above 210, thanks to pregnancy, I whooshed my way to 50 pounds lost!

Yes indeed, I weighed in this morning (and Saturday) at 207.8. My chosen start weight was 257, so that's 50 pounds off of it and well secured into the single digit 200's. I am also, now, only several weeks from 199!

I'll save the brain picking for a later post, for now, I'll post my updated weight loss pictures:

207.8:

For contrast, here's 219.8:

And from the side:

219.8 side:

As much as I see the flaws in the newest pictures and sometimes still feel huge (especially in pictures!), looking objectively at these shots side to side I see BIG changes, and I am proud of myself, all things considered. Even the flabby baby belly sag doesn't look as bad as the NONbaby flab from 13 pounds ago. Yay me :)

Well despite maintaining a solid calorie deficit for the past few days, the weight on the scale has mysteriously bounced around and climbed the same few tenths of a pound, when it should have dropped (in theory). I should be grateful I'm experienced at this now, or I'd find this highly discouraging! My body seems to be taking it's time adjusting to the poundage drop of weeks prior, and with the social occasions last week I didn't create enough of a deficit to solidly push into the single digit 200's. Annoying, but there you have it.

I was hoping the scale would reflect the deficit this morning, but it had me largely the same despite *feeling* myself in weight loss mode (it's a particular kind of hunger that always precedes a lower number), but the potatoes I made for dinner last night neatly mask any weight loss with their water retaining super powers ;). The scale is fickle, but I know I can't keep pushing a significant calorie deficit and have it NOT show up, when I am nowhere near maintenance level. So I'll keep plugging away at it and hopefully have better numbers for next week.

The recumbent bike is still annoying my knee, and now the other one is starting to bug me. This is after two years of riding this equipment with no problems at all, at the same adjustments. I am perplexed as to what changed and a little sad, because I genuinely enjoy riding it. I was on for 45 minutes last night and noticed the aggravation of my knees after about 20 minutes into it. The worst case scenario, I somehow have an injury that bike aggravates and I'll sell it on Craiglist to help fund something else (likely a treadmill), but I hope it doesn't come to that!

This week is looking much better right now, from the eating front. It just needs to stay that way!

If it isn't one thing, it's another! This has been an obnoxious food week, and too light on the exercise as well. I'm not happy with it, tomorrow I want to move on and get back on track.

There was the craziess of Wednesday and Thursday, with Thanksgiving food (tasty, though it was!). Friday night was my monthly Ladies Craft Night, otherwise known as pizza-and-cookies-for-dinner-oh-my! Night. The one where its almost impossible to count calories, because I am away from my sale and measuring cups, eating food made by others and chatting it up til all hours of the night with a bunch of girls? Then there was today, in which I was gifted with a plte of Christmas cookies and had some out of town friends over for fellowship. I could have stayed on plan, but stress and social eating derailed me.

I had on plan days this week, and then the ones outlined above. The food and friends and family were all great, and even worth it to some extent. But I'm tired and done, I honestly just want to be left alone and to get back on track again. I'm actually feeling annoyed and frustrated with the disruptions to my normal schedule, so it's really time to get back on plan. I wish I had never gotten off, so I wouldn't be white knuckling my way back to where I want to be.

Mix all of this in with a few days of frustrating weigh-is where my body should have shed weight and didn't, and you have the mode I am starting this upcoming week with. I am having an icky night, in general, and just want to feel normal again. The diet needs fixing, as does the less than happy heart attitude. So I'll pray tonight and eat tomorrow. That my plan and I'm sticking to it.

The scale, that is. It isn't judging you, your value and even your success at your eating plan are not determined by whatever number happens to pop up. And it certainly doesn't determine your self worth.

There are so many new dieters on sites like 3FC I wish I could explain this to. This scale is a tool, that is IT. Don't give it more power over your life than it deserves.

Friday I happily weighed in at 209.2. Today I weighed in at 210.4. I ate completely on plan all week, and all weekend as well. I was less than 300 calories off my target for seven days (that's good, I promise ;). So why the discrepancy in numbers when my overall trend looked so good? Well I'll tell you, it isn't about being bad, its not about cheating, or even an unpredictable scale. The scale tells the truth - it tells me what I weigh. But that requires context. Yesterday, for example, I ate within my calories and did very well with that. I ate healthy food, prepared from scratch at home. But that food included pasta with dinner and a potato with lunch, and even an ounce of Rum with my husband. These foods lead to water retention. I also may have had more food in my digestive system, an extra drink of water in the night while nursing, or any number of other things. My body may be recovering from two weeks of losses by trying to hang onto some weight and hit equilibrium, before dropping again.

All of these things affect the readout on the scale, but none of them have to affect ME. My value isn't determined by that number, neither is my successful weightloss. Today was a reading, just like any other day. It happens to fall on the day I record in my sidebar, so it gets written down whether it is the most representative of my weeks' progress or not. Likely, the number will be much lower tomorrow. Either way, what matters is the overall picture of how I am doing, not just the small day sampling given to me by the scale. A lower loss week in and of itself might be concerning on a diet, which is why the picture of what I was eating and how much is important tl determining whether I need to tweak something to create more of a calorie deficit (I don't.), or whether the value was just an outlier and I'm doing well at what I set out to do.

One more positive note that lets me know I am going the right way, even if the scale isn't cooperating: a skirt that was way too tight across my hips last week and rode up? As of Saturday it fit again. Inches are a heck of a better barometer than just a scale, and combined with my food journal I am confident in how I am doing and eagerly look forward to another solid week on plan (and yes, with the occasional pasta and alcohol mixed in - these are not forbidden foods as long as they don't make me binge).

How was YOUR week?

... But I'm now under my pre pregnancy weight of 210.6! I weighed in today at 210.0 even (actually, it read 209.8 once and 210.0 twice, so I just took the higher number) and am officially on track to be at or near my newest low during this journey by my weigh-in Monday!

207.9 would put me at 50 pounds lost from where I took my start weight (approx. 257 lbs) but my highest pregnancy weight was over 275 pounds at delivery, so really, I am down almost 70 pounds from my all time high. Either way, I am thrilled to be back in the saddle and losing so well! It's a great feeling, and helping me make it through temptations more easily than when I was pregnant (since the scale is actually moving, not just going up no matter how well I do).

I missed exercise twice this week - once because I am having knee and ankle pain in my right leg and wanted to rest it a day, and then yesterday I had a meeting at Church that interfered with my evening routine and I made dinner for everyone before I left instead of working out. But in general I have been on plan with exercise, and definitely on with my food. It's getting easier and easier the more good days I line up, as I get used to eating this caloric amount and not my pregnancy amount again.

I can't decide if I should take pictures at 50 pounds lost (207-ish) or every new decade of weight (where I am today), so any input on that would be appreciated. Either way, three big milestones are right around the corner - 210 again, woohoo! 50 pounds of 100 desired pounds lost - almost a woohoo! Under 200 pounds - so close I can TASTE it! It's making for a very exciting end of the year, weight-wise.

I'll report back in on Monday, I am hoping for another half pound gone this weekend, we'll see :)

As much as I hate that exclamation, it fits here! For the first time, breastfeeding is helping me with weightloss, instead of hindering it. By sticking to a calorie budget instead of eating until I am full from any old food I want to, I have managed to lose 4.2 pounds this week! And once I got through the first few days of breaking my sugar/starch cravings, it wasn't even bad. I wasn't hungry and wasn't finding it too difficult to stick with. I am eating enough calories that, without breastfeeding, I can lose 1-1.5 pounds a week. But with nursing, especially when Seth is having a growth spurt and eating every hour? That consumes a HUGE amount of calories!

I may lose a little of that tomorrow, it was lower than I expected and perhaps I was dehydrated or something like thst, but I absolutely believe at least three of those pounds are real caloric deficit losses. I have been so happy to be on plan, this is just a nice cherry on top. If I can lose 2-ish pounds a week I will see 199 by the end of the year, which would be such a nice beginning to the next year. It's well within my grasp, and even if I cant make it due to a stall, as long as I stick with my plan I am well on my way :)

From 215.6 to 211.4.... Not bad, not bad at all!

I just picked up part of an order I got from JCPonline today, some new (not maternity, not massive) shirts and a pair of boots to go with the skirts I am sewing for my new wardrobe. I decided to stop stalling and move closer to how I actually WANT to dress, which would be very feminine and simple, so nice solid colored v-neck tees are my favorite, to go with long a-line skirts.

Anyway... Part of the order came in and I brought it home to try on. The shirts were all misses XL (remember, I started in 3X shirts that looked awful from every angle) and I was worried they might still be a little snug, especially since the knit was clingy.

Wouldn't you know, I tried them on to discover they fit beautifully, and were even a bit loose! Had I been in the store and could exchange sizes easily I'd have probably tried on a large, especially since I am actively losing weight. They looked really good, even on my lumps and bumps! It's been a long time since I really liked the clothes I tried on and didn't just tolerate them or think they looked okay. I experienced a little of that while dress shopping waaaaay back in January for the funerals of my grandmas (remember the family picture with the black and white dress, ages ago? Thats the one!) but it has been so long since then, I was 4 weeks pregnant during that and obviously just got bigger as the months went on. So rediscovering clothing can actually flatter my body is novel ;)

That XL were a little on the roomy side, for short, dumpy old me at 213 pounds... Thats a good feeling. I am still short, but the dumpy part seems to be shedding with the weight, and I may be turning into *le gasp!* a cute woman! I can scarcely believe it myself, but it seems to be true.

When I hit 50 pounds lost, at 207, I'll take some pictures with these new tops. But needless to say it has been the least painful online shopping experience in a LONG time! And I only have more clothing fun to look forward to as I march down the scale.

An XL being loose? That's going to take a few hours to wrap my brain around :)

Not off, entirely, of course. My eating is still well on track. But after five planned days of great workouts and a two pound loss holding steady today, I am taking time to deliberately not exercise. I may yet get in a bit, I am waffling, but my normal block will be necessarily interrupted by my poor husband.

He has been through the wringer. That man works his butt off for hours a day, then additionally the moment he comes home, because he loves me and wants to help. He has been given more and more deadlines and no additional pay to compensate for the hours, and his days are so long he is averaging four to five hours of sleep a night (and he is the kind of person who needs more than eight to function well). He is the most loving, amazing man a woman could ask for and I could not be more blessed, but I am tired of watching him burn the candle at both ends and the middle, too.

Today was the last straw for him. He literally could not make a decision and was so burnt out it was palpable even in an email. Our medical bills for the birth came due and there are more bills than money right now. While we both are completely firm in the knowledge that the Lord will provide for us, as He always has, it was just the kick Peter didn't need while he was already tired, late on a deadline, and generally stressed beyond belief.

I cancelled an appointment he had this evening with some friends of ours he is counseling. I remanded the grocery list I'd given him and ordered him to come straight home (he usually does all the shopping and errands). The moment he walks in the door he is getting a hug, kiss, and then sent straight to bed to nap with the kids while I take care of everything this evening.

It doesn't matter how tired or stressed I am, how much I want to work out, or how difficult it is to leave our son content while I run errands - my husband's sanity and health matters more. As much as I hate the nighttime routine and am no good at it (he manages the kids in the evening, it is the only time he can spend with them) unless he wakes up I am not disturbing that man for the world, tonight. Sleep won't finish a deadline, pay a bill, or get anything checked off the eternally growing list of stuff we need to do, but it is the only thing I can give him right now to show him how much I deeply love and appreciate all he is doing.

Being a stay at home mom isn't as easy as many would chalk it up to be - you get to watch your spouse wring themselves dry out of love for the family and protection of you. So that YOU can serve your children and him in the best way possible, they bear the weight of the entire financial and moral responsibility of the family. At the end of the day, I am accountable to my husband, but he is accountable to God for the physical and spiritual condition of those placed in his care. I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor here at home, my warm house, lovely kitchen smells, happy children, and the more than occasional mess or five, because he loves me enough to provide me everything I need to happily tend a home while he fights for every dime outside these walls. How awesomely am I loved, that he sacrifices so much of himself day after day to care for me? And what a beautiful picture of Christ's sacrificial love he provides in our marriage, through serving everyone but himself in life. I have beautiful clothes and he wears holes in his shoes. Our children have laughter and play in the evenings at the expense of his sleep, because he wants to show how much he loves them.

We all sit here and enjoy the beauty and warmth and love of our home, because he works so tirelessly and diligently for so little reward and satisfaction. All I can do is serve in return, serve our Lord as diligently, in the province I have been given to preside over. My husband has entrusted all he has worked for on this earth to me - his wealth, his children, his body... All these are mine to care for. So I will do what I can, what little I can, to serve him with all the love I can muster. I can't pull a paycheck or drive a commute, it isn't what I was designed for. But I can train up his children in the way he wants them to go, and care for these precious souls we were given. I can creatively manage every cent of our budget and not selfishly spend it on all my own wants. I can make his favorite foods, fold his laundry, clean his messes, send him little I-love-you's throughout the day. I can tend to his whole soul, fulfill his need for friendship, a companion, a beloved wife.

I can pray for him. Constantly. That is the most powerful weapon for defeating the problems of this fallen world that I have at my disposal, and unlike my precious husband, I am blessed with the time to be able to empty my thoughts throughout the day and commit his needs to the Lord.

So, dear readers, I am not exercising today. I am not sitting down to read, or listen to a sermon, or play with any craft. I served him throughout the day today with good food, happy kids, and a clean house. And tonight, I am pulling a double shift, because he needs me to. He would never ask, but I love him enough to do hear his pleas on this matter. And in following the example he has given me, I am going to stuff any desires for personal selfishness and just focus on serving the other half of my soul as best I can. So I will work, because he needs rest. And I can't give him much else today.

And tomorrow? It will be better.

After charting my weight daily for well over a year, you'd think little could surprise me. But I have been sticking to my plan like glue and eating as little sugar and processed crud as possible, as well as working out daily again. My weight was 215.6 on Monday, which was right in line with what it had been in previous days (minus the overeating, eating out days, that gave me salt bloat).

Today, it was 213.0. That's not salt detox, I've been on plan pretty perfectly since Saturday/Sunday. Given the calorie deficit I am pretty sure I am running, that could real pounds gone on the scale. I'd be shocked if that rate stayed up, I think my body is having a nice quick shed due to me return to actively losing weight, but it is a welcome sight on that scale, to be sure! On a related note, last night I did 8.3 miles on the bike. It feels better and better to move again, I am so glad to have returned to it!

With all this loss and committing to getting the weight off without excuses again, I must say it is refreshing. The first few days were white knuckles to not binge, eat a bunch of sugary junk, or overeat with one more helping of dinner, that extra handful of nuts, etc etc. I am happily past that now. I am looking at my weight last year, my lowest weight achieved before the baby was 209.4. The desire to see that number on the scale again is so real I can taste it, I get excited just thinking about it. And surpassing it, to 50 pounds lost again, then another few pounds into Onderland, and a few more to make one of my landmark goals of 189? It actually gets my pulse racing in excitement! I have SO missed losing weight. I told myself the junk food was worth it, I didn't mind, but honestly I did. Almost a full year of eating well and watching the scale really only go up, thanks to a growing baby, kind of messed with my head. I forgot that eating well and moving has it's own rewards, among them is weightloss! I know my good habit during the pregnancy are the only reason I have just a handful of pounds to lose to reach my pre pregnancy size, but I had forgotten the very real thrill of shrinking in size and number.

Oh ladies, it feels SO good! I am thrilled to be back to regular blogging, regular planned eating, and daily weigh-INS that reflect what my body is actually losing, rather than it being masked by a growing baby. I was content with that during pregnancy, but until God blesses us with another baby I am SO DONE with complacent weightloss. DONE. And hopefully before the next baby I will be down to my first goal weight of 160, an honest-to-goodness normal weight. If I can I will likely try to lose below that, until my body feels and looks the way I want, but I know I could be happy at 160. So it is the place I really want to be for the next baby, if that's God's plan.

I am so fired up, I forgot how amazing this feeling is! It's like being bedridden and then given clearance to walk again. You forget how very good it feels during the convalescence, only to be joyfully revived once you get going.

209.4, my sights are set on you, next! You're going down, baby!

I've had three solid, good days, people! This is huge, I haven't had that for months, if we're honest, because I was overeating my target calories out of hunger for the second half of the pregnancy. Since Sunday I have stayed within 100 calories of my target 2000-ish and, even better, have gotten on the bike for varying lengths of workouts each weekday!

What's more, those exercise sessions? In the same block of time I did a mile more Tuesday night than Monday, so I am able to go harder for the same duration and am feeling stronger. It's a slow process but I am happy to see results!

214.6 today, we'll see how that changes or holds throughout the rest of the week.

I've been doing this sucker forever, now that I think about it! I should go back and count how many weeks I have been in the challenge, sometime, but it won't be today!

As for weight, I clocked in at 215.6 this morning, which is a good two pounds lower than my Friday weight, so I am happy. Somehow I managed to forget to write my weight down this weekend, so I don't have that time to compare to.

My measurements are kind of fascinating. The last time I remembered to take them was last year, on 11/10/09. I weighed 211.8 and measured as follows: WAIST (41 IN), HIPS (49 IN), UNDERBUST (40 IN), BUST (48 IN), ARM (16 IN), LEG (25.5 IN).

Today, just slightly less than a year later, I have bounced around the scale with pregnancy and my measurements tell an interesting story. I weighed in today at 215.6 and measure as follows: WAIST (41 IN), HIPS (50 IN), UNDERBUST (38 IN), BUST (49.5 IN), ARM (15.5 IN), LEG (24.5 IN).

Well. Despite weighing a few pounds more this go around, every part of my body not directly affected by pregnancy is smaller, a little or a lot! The parts that are the same or bigger are breasts (hello milk factory!), hips (hormonally spread for birth), and waist (jiggly jiggly!). but my limbs and ribcage are smaller, telling the story of inches lost over this past year, despite insignificant changes in my weight and physiological changes independent of the scale.

What does this mean? Well, my pants are tighter than they should be, but they still fit. My bra got bigger and smaller at the same time, and ultimately, there's nowhere for me to go but down, from here. I'm excited to do so, let me tell you!

Off to have a blessed, productive, on plan kind of day :) I am wishing you all the same!

I miss blogging, and I really like the accountability, so I'm going to try to get back into it more now that I am able and ready to get this weight off.

This week was a struggle, with the election, parties, the remains of provided meals and freezer foods that have no calorie counts attached, but I still logged as best I could (and clocked a few embarrassingly high calorie days, but nothing I haven't moved on from).

To be short - she won the election! My wonderful mother-in-law came out of a nasty, contentious primary and a (surprisingly) contentious general election - both three way races - with a significant chunk of the vote ahead of her competitors. We were supremely happy to add to her title of 'grandma' with 'Grandma, sitting senator of Alaska District P'. She worked her butt off and earned every single vote, and her whole team (my fabulous husband, included) put in crazy hours to support her in her goal. Congratulation to her and all of us who helped her get there, it's a sweet, sweet victory!

On the diet front, and onto the main topic of this short post, I stayed on plan today. This is big. I have had many days this week where I was on plan until the evening, where events containing potlucks and the like made it very hard to gauge my calories, but this was a day where I honest-to-goodness stayed on plan. I white knuckled it a bit this evening, trying to break my sugar and junk issues, but clocked in at 2083 calories for the day, or roughly 147 calories over my target. That's perfectly acceptable for me, the evening was rounded off with some tea and a small serving of chocolate chips, which made up that overage, and I can honestly say it was a controlled and pleasant ending to a pretty good food day. Especially given that the baby and I are both a bit under the weather with a cold (and consequently he is being crabby), it was a concerted effort to not overeat and use illness as an excuse, but I resisted and am proud.

I really am ready to commit to more weight lost, so regardless of what the scale says tomorrow (it may be bad after the residual junk in my system from the week, and my dinner tonight was salty, though within my calorie range) I am trucking my way down the scale. No excuses, I'm completely committed and ready to go, and have been for over a week. And thankfully, now, I have most of my obstacles out of the way. I am back to a normal routine, normal food, normal expectations of myself and feeling healthier and stronger every day.

As a happy side note to to top this all off, I actually got on my exercise bike on Friday and did fifteen gentle minutes to see how my bottom and belly fared after the physical feat of childbirth. Though my abs protested a bit (I have a diastasis from pregnancy and they are weak) I had no issues with my stitches and no soreness. It felt SO good afterward, if I hadn't been heading out for a date night right after that I would have continued on for another half hour! I missed my bike so much and the feeling of wellbeing I had after getting over the first hard five minutes. So, children allowing, I will be easing back into the cardio part of my exercise routine over the course of this week. I am waiting on strength training until my doctor clears me, since the ab issues are a concern, but biking and probably some Leslie Sansone are on the agenda!

So yay for an on-plan night, yay for 3.5 good miles on my bike, and yay for the weight I am losing now, down down down to my next goal of 208! I would love to make it by December or January, but regardless I know I WILL get there one bite and mile and pound of resistance at a time :)

I'll check in tomorrow morning with my stats, measurements included, I think.

Weight today was 216.8, thanks to candy and potluck last night. Most of that is carb bloat that will go away, my weight was consistently been in the 214-215 range last week. The only candy I consumed was on Halloween and pilfered few pieces the night before, and none of it is in the house now. I am ready and excited to commence with weightloss with no junk around to distract me.

Today and tomorrow will, admittedly, be crazy. The election is Tuesday night and this blitz on the final day before voting for my MIL's race is a challenge for my husband and therefore, the whole family. Her race is nasty and hotly contested, it will likely come down to the difference in which party controls our state's senate - so not insignificant. The good news is that my husband and I are confident in her hard work and dedication, it looks like she will win by 6-20 percentage points (that's our bet, anyway) and be on her way to Juneau for the next term. We'll know by tomorrow at midnight :)

Not doing much exercising yet, but definitely getting back into the swing of things. Seth is three weeks old and we're working this out little by little. I'll keep you posted to my progress and am looking forward to posting a loss for next week's weigh-in!

As requested, a few baby pictures of Seth from the past day or two. The rest will be added to his blog when we get around to it (who knows when!).

Today was the first day my husband went back to work. With a few hiccups from my impatience with the kids, the whole thing went surprisingly smoothly. I didn't even feel stressed, until I realized I had a drawn out binge tonight. Too many cookies, too much carb-laden junk, and too little discipline after a few weeks of laxity. Add to that the fact that breastfeeding makes me ravenously hungry, and I am having quite a heck of a time staying in any sort of calorie or food allotment, when my bottomless stomach mixes with stress and unhealthy eating.... Let's just say I remember what prompted me to get help and start a plan in October '08.

Let me backtrack. My friend Melynda's post that I read this evening got my brain turning, so even though it is 1:31 am and I have to wake up and pack all three kids, ALONE, to a doctor's appointment for Seth in the morning, I decided it was worth posting on the subject while it was fresh in my mind. So here is my brain dump, of sorts, for tonight.

My biggest stress today, and one that has been wearing on me and my husband for the past few weeks, is that we're having some discipline problems with the girls while I am feeding/putting down the baby, and my patience is so much shorter than it should be! I am praying about that and working on it, I know God will help me through this and give me the grace to respond lovingly instead of in anger, but I am struggling with my hormones and personal sinful selfishness right now and it is impacting my parenting a bit. So I need to work on that for my own peace of mind as well as for the sake of my wonderful (if a little disobedient) children.

That stress is really my biggest, honestly, and it. Is the reason I am having some trouble controlling my food. I am also breastfeeding and that makes me starving, so the two factors are culminating in the perfect storm for weight gain. I see this, and as much as I wanted to wait until November to get into gear, it will serve me better to put the breaks on this eating issue now and not later. I still need to lose weight this year, to get as close to my health insurance goal as possible (and thus reduce our rates when we self-insure in the coming year), so discipline is called for tomorrow morning, with the first bite. No more laxity, my body and health needs me to tighten up and feed myself with more healthy fare in healthy ways, not junky, brain-chemistry-altering fluff that makes me look and feel awful.

Friends are still bringing me meals and my freezer still has a lot of prepared food that has higher fat content than I need, so I am just going to have to adjust by using my old standby strategy of filling up with fruits, veggies and a good tall glass of water first, then carefully measuring my main portion so that I am not mindlessly eating larger amounts than I need. If I am still hungry, I will satisfy myself with healthier food and NOT dessert, and if I need more of the main course, it will be measured out and not grazed upon. I have to commit to doing this, here and now, so I will.

My calorie budget is the same one I had during pregnancy. I may need to up it by a good 250 calories or so, if I am still feeling physically hungry after a few good days plan, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I don't want to lower my calories too much, so 2000-2200 is a good target that shouldn't have me so low that I will have a hard time losing once breastfeeding ceases. That requires I drop my calories a bit, and as long as I am over 200 pounds I don't want to eat less than 1800 or so calories a day while losing. I want food amounts and types that are sustainable for me long term, and dropping calories too low doesn't work for me. It makes me want to binge. So that's my basic starting point - around 2000, mostly healthy calories. No baking treats, no grazing.

Psychologically and physically, I want to exercise, but i am only two weeks postpartum and even basic household tasks like cleaning and cooking do a number on my energy and physical state. I am not sure my stitches are ready for walking or the stationary bike, as standing too long makes my pelvic floor ache, but I was going to tentatively try the bike on Wednesday and see how it went. Nothing hard and nothing too long, I am aiming for reaching the benefits of exercise (elevated heart rate, mood improvement, a little calorie burn and muscle stretch) without adding any significant fatigue to my current bodily load. So no working out until I am sore, stopping when my abs and pelvic floor start aching or feeling heavy, and no strength training or more vigorous walking work (like Leslie Sansone DVDs, too much bouncing and too fast!) for another few weeks. My stitches still aren't fully dissolved, I feel comfortable going nice and slowly while I am still literally healing from a huge body-altering event. I don't want to restart hey postpartum bleeding either, so exercise is really a very minor activity and the first to go if I am feeling anything less than great while doing it!

I'm hesitant to post about this subject just because I fear getting flack for doing too much or being too hard on myself. In real life, I'm not mentioning this to anyone but my husband, and not really talking about it on Facebook either. For most women, this would be a bit drastic this soon postpartum. But I have to put my foot down, now, in a definitive way, or the backslide will just get worse (as it is, I have caught it before gaining any appreciable poundage that cannot be attributed to salt intake). For someone like me, with a lifelong struggle with food, I know the signs and symptoms of a regression when I see it. I can't control my physical energy, my sleep, or what people bring me to eat... So these factors will take care of themselves, but I CAN control what and how much goes in my mouth, and that is exactly what I intend to do. I need a few good days of being the model dieter again to get my body and mind back in the mode of what healthy eating and living looks like. It generally isn't a big struggle for me to lose weight and commit to moderate, healthy habits, but I HAVE to break myself out of this unhealthy sugar fog first. It's a cycle I must disrupt sooner than later, and there's no good way for me to do it effectively without a calorie budget and strict food logging.

I just want to get back to a good place with my eating and look/feel better. As tough as it is to get back on the horse, it. Is worse to keep avoiding doing so! This applies mainly to my eating, but to exercise too. I did a decent job of keeping with my bare bones family schedule today, I am getting back to normal and working out what life looks like with three kids three and under, now. Finding out how to live healthfully and continue to lose weight with this new paradigm is all just part of it for me. I can do it, but it requires a commitment and dedication to my goals.

I lost sight of them for a month or so there, but no longer. This chapter begins NOW.

For the record, cookies put me at 215.0 this morning, after 214.0 the day before. It's as good a starting point as any, I suppose, and I am looking forward to seeing 209 by December 1st or so, if I stick to my plan like glue. I can't wait!

Admittedly I am crabby, and more worn out emotionally than I think I have ever been in my life, save for day four of hospital inductions with my oldest daughter, Callie. Details of my no good, very bad labor are detailed at http://seth.giessel.org if you are interested, but I just don't have the energy to recap them here, right now.

I have to focus on something fun. Weight-wise, I was 232-something on Monday, and 230.8 today. Rah rah, etc etc. Now onto that fun thing - my newest baby wrap came, after being held hostage in customs for two weeks. The little birds made a looong flight from Estonia, and helped my find THE most comfortable back carry with my 30 pound toddler, Lilah.

So without further ado, I may I present one overdue Taryl (40w2d) and a Lilah, wrapped up in Didymos Night Owls (size 7, to be precise).

The evening after the wrapping didn't go as well as I'd have liked, but what's not to love about a pretty wrap to wrangle a squirmy toddler, and an impressive baby belly to top it off? I'd really rather be holding my newborn in my arms than carrying him wrap-free in my belly, but one step at a time, right?

I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers from my friends around these parts, it really is helping me to know you care :)

As indicated on the labor blog linked in the previous post, I am having a very, very challenging end to this pregnancy, with prodromal labor to the point of progressive painful contractions, backaches, and bloody show, but then tapering off into nothing, day in and day out. We're in total limbo and just taking it hour by hour, I am trying hard not to get emotionally exhausted and dispirited. God bless my wonderful husband, he has taken time off work to give me ample time to rest physically, at least, though I know he is as frustrated with this as me.

On days when I am contracting hard, like today and yesterday, I am not even bothering to log my food. I keep waking up at night with contractions and being ravenously hungry, so vie been popping things like peanut butter for quick, dense energy. My weight, even with water retention, is staying in the 229-232 zone, and my eating is decent. A lot of bread, some chocolate for morale, too few veggies, but nothing awful overall. It's just not something I am mentally putting effort into right this moment, my mind, body, and soul are all very literally consumed by more pressing matters.

I have had two difficult labors in the past, the attrition of this one is proving to outdo both of them. I waffle between that reality making me want to cry or hit something.

On the upside, we're both still healthy by all indicators, and there is still plenty of time on the clock until I am under the gun to get him out, so long as our vitals stay in a good zone. I am praying for progressive, continued contractions to lead to birth or a spontaneous rupture of my amniotic membranes to drop his head down, once and for all, and apply the pressure I need to progress. The latter is more painful, risky for interventions down the road, and far less ideal, but it's getting to the point where it beats the constant exhaustion and uncertainty of the dysfunctional early labor I am in now.

Pray for me, please. I really, really need it.

Here is my 38 week (and two days!) belly picture from right before my last OB appointment. I've been contracting, but it keeps petering out. I am measuring 42 weeks and weighed in at 231, though my weight has since dropped some of that water retention to settle at 229.8 pounds. The baby is definitely lower this week than last, which is great.

My appointment was uneventful, other than measuring ahead and contracting without much progress, everything else with him and me looked great. His heartbeat was 133 bpm, my blood pressure was a solid 120/80, no obvious swelling in my limbs. I can't complain, but I DO want to be done!

Whenever birth IS impending, my husband will be updating the progress on my son's baby site as things happen, so if you're a junky for lots of updates and the first published pictures, this will be where it happens: Baby Seth's Updates.

We have done a site for each of our kids, so this is in keeping with that tradition. Needless to say I am hoping for updates there sooner than later!

Well, it's happened, as it does every pregnancy for me. Some women gain all their weight in the first trimester, or throughout second trimester growth spurts. Not me. Oh no, I gain it ALL at the end!

My weight has jumped five pounds in two weeks, despite my calories only being as such to be gaining maybe 1/4-1/2 pound per week. Some of it is the baby, who is putting on weight as well. But most of it? WATER RETENTION! My tissues are swelling a bit in anticipation of birth, my amniotic fluid volume is very high, and all the contractions I have been having are causing my abdominal and pelvic muscles to work and retain fluid, just like after any exercise session. I know what is causing it, and that a few Reeses Eggs (ehehehe, yeah...) didn't do it. But that doesn't make it less frustrating. I am okay with the weight gain in that I know it was necessary, but I definitely wish it were not so!

My weight today, Tuesday, was 231.0. It has been in the 230-232 range for days and looks like it will stay there. I am 38w2d pregnant today, and he feels like a much more substantial baby than his sisters (who were both in the 8-9 pound range, big but not huge). Most of my frustrations are pregnancy centered, these days. I will have bouts of strong, timed contractions that taper off. He will move very low (I can easily feel his head with a cervical check, resting on my pelvic floor) but a night of sleeping and he will have disengaged and rolled to another position, usually posterior. My entire family is ready to have him here, my husband is burned out and ready for his biggest vacation of the year, and I am so thoroughly done with the wait-and-see mode it is ridiculous!

What's interesting is that I was perfectly content to go over my due date with my girls. I didn't get antsy until the midwives or OBs started looking at their watches. But for some reason, I am not able to achieve the same zen-readiness with Seth. I want him OUT, I want him BORN, and my life is stuck in stasis until then. I am unwilling to hurry it along with anything but natural induction methods or positioning exercises, at this point, but my gut tells me he really should be born any day, and the day passes with some promising signs and ultimately nothing.

I know I just need to pray for more patience (as opposed to praying he'll be born, which is my current plea) and to wait on God's timing on this, but it is very hard for me to do right now. I'm just a little anxious in the waiting, which is unusual in and of itself, and ready to go through birth and get it over with.

My contractions have tapered off from the strength they had over the weekend, and I am not sure if that is good or not. Fortunately I am able to rest (I've been wiped out) and not been too bothered by them, so that is a small mercy. My pelvis, thanks to the regular chiropractic and massage, is also more comfortable than it has ever been in this stage of the game. The next point of order is the OB appointment I have later today. I'm expecting it to be uneventful, as always.

That's my crabby rundown, anyway. My eating hasn't been great, I am craving junk hugely, but I still make every effort to start off a meal well and still log what I am eating if I am at all able (some restaurant food is tricky to guess). At this point, I can safely say weightloss isn't hardly on my radar, birth is. In a few weeks, one way or the other, the focus will shift back to the purpose of this blog. Until then, beware of crabby tangential posts about how NOT in labor I am.

/end grump.

Today, my friends, is a very special day for me. This signals 37 weeks, or rather, the beginning of the period of time my baby could have his birthday in! Yes indeed, anywhere from today to 10/18, at the latest, is the window for his birthday! No preemie babies for me, he is considered full term from today on. I am SO excited this day has finally come!

I do still think he will be born in September and not October, but I am at peace either way. Here's to NOT going overdue (and having the hassle of arguing about induction and risk with that). I am also crossing all fingers that he doesn't decide to come between 9/27 and 10/3, as that is the window of time my doula is down in Arizona for a conference, and I'd have to use her backup (who is very good but I am unfamiliar with) instead of her. So a birth anytime in the next two weeks would be SO ideal for me, I must be honest. God is in control of this one, but I will fully cop to praying for one particular outcome over another :)

Weight is up two pounds this week, though a LOT of that has been sodium from pizza Friday, a restaurant sandwich and fries Saturday, and then more wonderful pizza on Sunday. It was a bad food weekend, lots of occasions to eat out, and that has definitely impacted my water retention this morning, but I can't get too worked up over it. It was FUN, and thankfully for my pocketbook, infrequent. Last night, especially was a date night with my husband. I wouldn't trade that (or the wonderfully tasty pub food) for anything. I ate until I was full (a salad, some breadsticks, and one slice of pizza) and carted the rest home.

Somehow, while sitting and opening gifts at my baby shower, I managed to tweak my lift hip out again. Due to some rescheduling with my chiro's office I am due for a massage (read: soft tissue torture and tenderizing) and adjustment this evening, I hope this will alleviate the recurring pain I am having thanks to going out of alignment again. I can't complain, it's not as bad as it was after the Fairbanks trip, but intervention is definitely needed. Bless the chiropractor, she gave me some muscle exercises for my hips and butt that have helped reduce the pain and inflammation on the area and stretched out the things that are seizing up on me, so that is a big part of the pain reduction. Still, this little visit is badly needed and I am so grateful my husband could rearrange his schedule to allow this appointment to happen a few days early.

Tomorrow is another OB appointment (I'm down to weekly visits now) and hopefully all will be well. I get the GBS swab and probably a check on my dilation and effacement, so give me good bishop's score vibes if you can.

That's the wrap for the time being :)

Since I was all nicely dressed tonight and my hair was even down (very rare, only a few times a year do I actually let it loose) I decided it was time for an updated belly picture, just shy of full term (36w5d). I was 226.8 or 227.0 this morning, I can't remember, and my belly is measuring slightly ahead at 40 weeks.

Excuse the awful quality!

I'm off to do some more knitting on a baby hat I have been working on and then it is over to the shower. What a fun night!

Nothing new to note here, on the weight front. It is generally trending upward, but stayed the same as last week for my weigh day at 226.6. I'm feeling pretty hungry most of the time, so I just eat to that and note the calories for information only.

Activity is still null, everything (including sitting, some of the time!) makes me contract and I get more tired and bounce back more slowly these days, which is to be expected at this stage of pregnancy. I'm 36w2d, measuring 40 weeks, and considered full term next week! It's all coming along quickly and slowly at the same time. I am SO ready for him to be born, and yet dreading labor (it's hard work, no matter how many times you do it). My car finally sold and we transferred the title of my inlaws' Surburban, so the vehicoe situation is in order. The selling also allowed us the extra money we needed to order the rest of the baby items and price out wood for making the bunk beds for my older girls. The car seat covers is washed, clothes are folded, really all we are waiting on is the little man, himself.

As always, it is a bit surreal. Weight is, as you can imagine, a distant priority for me. I am still crossing my fingers that I will break even post-birth, but we'll see how it all breaks down. Being up 14-16 pounds right now is more than i have been before, but it is still perfectly respectable and controlled weight gain for this point in pregnancy, with my starting weight. I'm just going to keep chugging along and the weight will take care of itself.

One thing that WAS fun this morning, at my appointment, was the ultrasound I got. It's the only one I've had since 19 weeks and though I couldn't see the screen very well it was obvious he had grown immensely and was much more mature. My fluid level was perfect, he was head down, still very much a boy (whew! I'd been second guessing that, for some reason), and the only stinker of the whole deal was that his hand was up by his face, just like his sister. I am obviously hoping he moves it for birth, nuchal hands HURT (I speak from experience)! He was positioned anterior, that was great news, no back labor for me if he stays like that.

So that's all there is. We're just chugging along here as always, nothing interesting to say other than that my weight and exercise blogging will resume being interesting in October, so thanks for hanging in here with me until then :)

Hey all! I'm not dead, not off any bandwagon, and thankfully not too busy either! Life's just been chugging along, and I wanted to take the opportunity to share something else with you that is important in my life - child training and biblical parenting.

I won't give too many details other than to say that diligence in this area is more of a struggle than diligence in anything else, for me, including weightloss and fitness. Being consistent and faithful in my discipline of the kids, for their sake, is about the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. Fortunately for me, the Bible is all about parenting and families, and there are lot a of wise parents that have come before me who were thoughtful enough to write down the details of their parenting and the scripture behind it.

So in the interest of sharing, I want to give you all one resource that has been an amazing blessing to many Christian families, and one I am studying through myself: Raising Godly Tomatoes.

It's as wonderful a starting point as any for establishing consistent, Godly discipline of your children, and the more peaceful home that results :)

In minor weight related news, it went up again. Yup, I know, shock, right? Details in the sidebar. I can't complain too much, since the little human is gaining about an ounce a day. Only 2-6 weeks left, depending on how is all goes!

She won the primary last night, with 47% of the vote. Her competitors had 25% and 27% or so, respectively. We were all jubilant that the hard work paid off.

Unfortunately this means the work continues until November, for the general, but it was a great confidence booster to a neck and neck, stressful campaign. And for my husband and I, at least, most of our work has already been done to get things rolling for the primary, so the general should (we hope!) just be maintaining the website, adding donations, and a few events, instead of months of prep work we have already done.

My daughter's appointment went well, she is perfectly healthy and in the middle of both growth curves, still. She was understandably angry at the nice nurse betraying her trust and stabbing her in the thighs with needles ;)

My appointment also went quite well, about as I expected. Blood pressure was good, weight was a half pound gain of baby per week, as expected at this point. Baby boy was head down (for the time being) and the next appointment in two weeks will include an ultrasound to verify his position and possibly an external version, if he hasn't settled head down by then. My doctor WON'T advise a breech vaginal birth, as they tend to have poorer outcomes for the babies, on top of my already slightly-riskier VBAC, so we really need him vertex (head down) for the birth to proceed as we would like. I will be doing positioning exercises and more chiropractic to try and encourage my pelvis to balance and ohm to settle as well, but my dr. says he is unconcerned about him being breech and thinks he will settle just fine, given that he hasn't chosen to stay malpositioned over the past few weeks but just keeps changing. He isn't a stubborn breech or transverse baby, so that should indicate he is more amenable to behaving himself in the proper position or staying there if we manually move him :)

My weight this morning was 223.2, keeping with the steady, steady, steady, JUMP! pattern my weight seems to like to stay with during pregnancy. Everything else is fine.

And now commences one of the busiest weeks of my year. Tomorrow, alone, is Lilah's 2 year checkup, my OB appointment, and the primary for state senate. Oy vey!

Part of the reason for my current bloggy silence is busyness, and not MY busyness, per se, but my mother in law's busyness that drafts us into service. She is running for state senate and my husband is her treasurer and webmaster, I help along with smaller tasks like her mailers, absentee lists, etc etc. The primary is next Tuesday, so right around the bend, and it is a close, very heated race among two of the three Republicans. Even if I wasn't related to her, I'd think she was a very strong, conservative candidate and knowing first hand how much incredible work she has put into this just makes it all the more impressive. She was on our local PBD show 'Running' last night, giving her introduction and a quick question/answer round with her fellow politicians (that got quite heated, it was amusing), and tonight we will all attend a candidate forum locally to see her hash it out with them again. That forum is the first one in this part of her district in years and years, if that gives you an idea of how unusually contentious this race is!

I will be thrilled when the primary is over (moreso if she wins!) because this has been a huge time draw for the whole family, just out of the necessity of things needing to be done. She also has the vehicle we will be bequeathed (a Suburban) post-primary so we can fit three carseats, and I don't get it until she is done using it is a campaign billboard ;). She will also be more available to help with the children if/when I go into labor, and the general election will send more funds her way for a lot less legwork if she gets the nomination from the primary process. Basically we get a lot of benefits, as a family and her individually, with a lot less stress. So be thinking good thoughts for us over the next week as things stay busy and a bit tense, and any/all good Super Tuesday vibes for her are much appreciated.

On a different topic, weight! This has been a pattern throat the pregnancy, and one I find very interesting indeed. My weight seems to be in a pattern of 'steady, steady, steady, JUMP!', with the jumps corresponding to a big increase in fundal height/belly size. My weight really leapt up from 219-220 to 223, and other than the VBS bump and correction it has stayed within the same general range for each day. The general trend upward has only been about 13 pounds this whole pregnancy, and I am almost at the end, so I am thrilled about that. But it SEEMS like I have gained a lot more, because I gain a bunch so quickly and then it levels out for a month or so. It has been a frustrating thing to see, making me second guess my eating habits when I see it leap, but now it really seems to be the trend line I am on and independent (mostly) of day to day consumption. My calories have been on the high side of what I want, but my overall gain is still very low for this point in pregnancy and I do think I will have held steady when all is said and done, post-baby.

This is just another benefit of logging food and weight during pregnancy - I still have accountability, but moreover, I have a log showing my body's response to the internal workings and external stimuli I give it. I am confident and comfortable with my gains because they aren't random pigouts, but a very consistent pattern that my unique body and baby grow at. I also understand how my activity and sleep patterns are affecting my daily totals, and it helps me see if something starts going really funky, like edema, because it WILL show up in my daily log. For my health, the logging has been great. It hasn't prevented me from eating a lot of ice-cream, but it DOES keep me accountable to measure me portion ;). And while it won't stop the normal gain of a growing human, it will give me a solid diagnostic tool for this pregnancy, and comparing pregnancies down the road. There are very few situations in life where less information is preferable to more, and weight is no exception. It could condemn me or stress me if I let it, but instead I am just viewing it for the tool it is and happy to have a logical pattern emerge from several months of confusing data!

This week find me feeling about the same as last, at 223.4, and about as comfortable as a heavily pregnant woman can get. My activity has stayed about where I want it, or maybe a little on the low side, as my husband has been volunteering to do a lot of the standing and kitchen work when he is home (wonderful man, that one!). So I got a nice, fairly relaxing weekend and didn't contract abnormally more than I have been. My eating has been, well, eating, and it's all being written down. I am still within the 2000-2300 range most days, though this would be lower if I didn't include a dessert in the evening.

I can't feel too guilty about it, it's portioned out and planned for... plus the taste washes away the last remnants of 'not broccoli!' guilt I may feel. Hot chocolate just tastes extra special with a dose or hormones ;)

My goals for this upcoming week remain largely the same - do a good job at basic stuff, don't stress over extras, and get some baby things together. I think it will work out just fine :)

I met with my doula on Tuesday, the same day I had my 32 week OB appointment and my first chiropractic in two months. She is as lovely as ever and I am very much looking forward to her attending me during labor. Her rates have gone up in the past two years (she was bargain basement cheap before, and now she is charging more of what is standard) which we weren't counting on, but she gives all repeat clients the opportunity to pay at the rate their first birth was OR pay her new rate (which is double). This is such a blessing for us, we have no qualms about paying her what she is currently charging but our finances have been tight lately and if, for some reason additional funds don't come through, having the chance to still use her at a rate we can afford is wonderful. At this point, barring unforeseen catastrophe, we'll pay her the current advertised rate. She's worth every penny for the help she gives me in labor!

The OB appointment went well enough. Our little stinker was breech, as I'd suspected he'd been for about a week, but they won't be concerned about positioning until about 36-37 weeks, when they'll begin discussing things like an external version to turn him. Fortunately for me he seems to have turned back yesterday with some coaxing, and I am pretty sure his feet are once again firmly lodged in my ribs. Yay?

My blood pressure was solid at 120/78, his heartrate was beautiful. Unfortunately for my heartburn and hips my fundal height (uterine size) is measuring in at 37 weeks, or full term. That is over a MONTH ahead of where it should be measuring, and a little jump in relative size from last month's appointment. I always measure a week or two ahead during pregnancy, but five is a bit excessive. However he is moving and seemingly in perfect health, so I am just bracing myself for him to be squishier and chunkier than his sisters by a pound or two. They were 8 lbs 14 oz and 8 lbs 4 oz, respectively, at 42 and 40 weeks gestation, and I would not be surprised if he was well over 9 lbs on his due date (unless he comes early). I like chunky newborns, they are less fragile feeling and generally tolerate the first few weeks better than their younger, lighter, less mature counterparts. I'll take a little longer stretch between feeding for pushing out a bigger baby, thanks!

So despite being 32 weeks, my body is essentially at full term. This makes me feel a bit better about feeling SO pregnant and 'done', in terms of physical side effects I am! I would love for him to bake to 37-38 weeks, minimum, as much as another month or so sounds SO far off, but I will be a little surprised if he comes post-date, like his sisters. The downward pressure, alone, I hope will precipitate a timely labor. It's wishful thinking on my part and I am fully prepared to go to 41-42 weeks before any talk of inductions, but a little earlier wouldn't bother me at all ;) My doula will be out of town from my 39-40 week stretch at a conference, so I would have to be seen by her backup doula, and that further incentivizes going the second or third week of September as opposed to the end of the month. We'll see, as with all things God has a plan for this, too!

We posted my car for sale on Craigslist and have had lots of interest but people keep flaking out on viewing/testing it. Any good thoughts you could send our way to sell that sucker would be appreciated, and also insure my doula gets her full due. Other than that, this week is just ticking by the same as ever. My health and weight are not on the forefront of my mind, but they are automatic in the periphery of life. I don't think about weighing each morning and recording it, I just 'do'. I don't debate whether to log my meals, it's automatic. In fact, it is jarring when I am in a situation where it isn't convenient to do so, because I've been doing it so long now! While I am eager to get started on moving and weightloss post baby, to try and make my year-end goal of 189.0 for our insurance switch, I'm also feeling okay right where I am. I am pumped to get healthy, but unless something catastrophic happens I can honestly say I am pretty proud of myself for how I have maintained throughout this pregnancy. I didn't take the easy way out and 'eat for two' without caring or counting, and I made a concerted effort to keep up my activity until it wasn't prudent to do so anymore.

Effort and attention to my health is the best I can ask for, and I am where I need to be. That's enough for the time being :)

Little late on this, sorry everyone! My weight this week has been predominantly in the 222.8-223.2 range, which is holding steady for the time being. Activity has been low, as is normal for me now, given that I contract at a moment's notice. I've mostly been able to maintain my same household cleaning schedule, though I have been fudging the schedule just a bit on the before-breakfast routine and after-dinner routine, I am still functioning about where I need to be to get things done, which is the best I could hope for right now.

I seem to be suffering from a condition called irritable uterus (syndrome), which accounts for all my braxton hicks and contractions while standing. It is linked with a higher chance of preterm labor but doesn't cause it, in and of itself. Basically any downward pressure or stretch of the muscle/exertion causes it to clamp down like a giant charlie horse, or go into real contraction patterns. There isn't any cure and no known cause, while it can be treated with muscle relaxants and tocolytics, those all have side effects. Since these contractions don't seem to be dilating me at all (I am effacing a bit and very soft, but still at my same dilation) those treatments would be overkill and unnecessary, unless labor were actually gearing up. So the only other treatment is self-imposed bedrest when they kick up and generally staying off my feet.

For exercise purposes this is a bummer, but when I go an hour on the couch with only a minor braxton hick contraction here and there, and then move to stand up and have a real contraction that lasts over a minute, my desire to exercise understandably dwindles ;)

My only real goal for the remainder of this pregnancy is to stick to my eating plan (I've been doing well on this), get more protein, and try to continue with my basic household duties so my poor DH doesn't have to pick up the slack. For the time being, these all look like very realistic goals.

I admit, I have absolutely nothing of consequence to blog about that has to do with weight and health, but I did have some fun times that I can share.

My husband was gone fishing in Chitina with his best friend from Tuesday to Thursday, and I was alone with the kids. However when he came back I discovered they had limited out (caught as many as our family permits would allow) and we have the best salmon in the world (Copper River Reds) packing our freezer for the year. I think between his two trips we caught 65 salmon, which is 130 filets (we eat one filet per meal, as a family). The Lord really blessed us with a great provision of free meat for the year and it will be a help in lowering our grocery bill. It was also good for Peter to get some time with his friend, who he rarely sees because he and his wife live in Fairbanks.

That evening, we went to a picnic for the local Republican Party. My MIL had a booth there (her senate primary is in three weeks!) and the girls got the spend some time with her, which was fun. We also got Callie to ride a pony that was there, and she loved it! Now this is a kid who is afraid of puppies and bunnies, and refuses to pet any animal or even be close to them. She had to be OUTSIDE the fence of the petting zoo at the fair because the lambs were too scary for her. So for Callie to not only pet the pony but ride it was amazing and we were thrilled. There was photographic evidence and everything :)

The same picnic had a raffle for a few prizes, that both of us (hubby and I) entered in, and I wasn't listening when the prizes were called. Mind you, I never win ANYTHING, so I rarely even bother entering these things and wouldn't have done this one, were it not for Peter asking me to. Well, imagine my surprise when my FIL came up to me and told me they were looking for me, because I had won the $500 grand prize in the drawing! I was thrilled and surprised, and given that our finances have been extremely tight and we have baby/kid things that need purchasing with no way to do so, it was a wonderful and completely unexpected blessing for us. There had to have been over 500 people in the raffle, so the fact that I was drawn for the biggest of the prizes was great. This has enabled us to get our remaining baby items soon, and pay for new big girl bunk beds for the girls (so we can use one of the cribs for the new baby when he is out of our bed). The whole thing was fabulous and really made my week!

Today we were out pricing out these bunk beds and I am pretty sure we decided that Peter can build a better set with much better materials, for the cost of buying one. Tonight we will be calculating the amount and types of lumber we will need to make this and make our final decisions on how feasible it is for us. After we hit the furniture stores and the lumber yard, we went out for a nice dinner and a movie before coming home to the girls (who were babysat by the grandparents). It was the first out-of-the-house date we have had in months and I really enjoyed the whole thing. The movie was actually great (we were shocked), and it was so nice to really get out and spend some time together before another nursing baby comes along!

We have lots to do tonight for the aforementioned primary for Grandma, as well as me brining up some of the salmon in preparation for smoking it tomorrow, so it's been a busy day, but overall I've had so much fun this week and the whole thing has been refreshing for DH and me. I'm still contracting, quite uncomfortable, and less than patient these days, but things are just plugging along around here.

And that's my weekend wrap-up, see you Monday for a weigh in!

It's been a rough week, very busy and not with the best food. I was the snack coordinator for my church's Vacation Bible School this year (as I have been for three years running) and it is a lot of hours both at the church during the day and back again for evening prep. I have been on my feet running around for literally six or more hours each day, taking sandwiches when I can and trying not to contract too much.

My weight, coincidentally, has skyrocketed this week something ridiculous. Some of it is genuine gain, I am absolutely HUGE right now, but given the swelling in my face and legs I can only assume a good amount of it is water retention from sore muscles, salt, stress, what have you. The VBS is certainly fun, but I have arguably the most physically demanding job in it, and this pregnancy is not treating me well at this point. I am thrilled it is over and have the next few days to try and get back on track with sleep, food, chores, and everything else that took a major back seat the past six days.

I'm exhausted. The blogging has taken quite a back seat when I can't barely find time to check my email!

Let's just get the weight thing out of the way (weigh?): I was at 221.8 this morning, after being at 219.6 Saturday. The reason for the jump? I was in the hospital yesterday, being pumped full of fluids!

Oh yes indeed, after being almost sure that staying at church yesterday morning would equal a Taryl on the floor, I had my husband take me home in the middle of service. I was dizzy, breaking out in cold sweats, couldn't catch my breath even though I was sitting and barely moving, and yet my heart rate was very low. This has happened before when I try to sing hymns, the combo of standing AND singing generally commands more air than I can get at this point in the pregnancy, but this is the first time it wouldn't go away. So at home I gave the OB triage nurse a call and she told me to come in.

Cue monitoring!

I got in around 11:30, if I recall, and couldn't leave until 4:00. My poor kids were good the whole time despite being late for their nap. Basically they took a strip on the baby, who was moving a shocking amount, and on me, who was moving less but in essentially perfect metabolic health. Heart rate was 60-63 BPM on average, blood pressure was 114/75, no signs of a UTI, ketones, etc etc. The ONLY thing that was off was my blood sugar, which was at something like 72, on the fairly low side of normal. I had eaten breakfast that morning, so the nurses advised me that the awful symptoms I was feeling could very well be a hypoglycemic response, and thus i had to be fairly strict about eating every two hours. I was also so dehydrated (despite drinking water) that it took three tries to get the IV into me for fluids and two tries for a blood draw. I felt like a pincushion, and the entire thing was extremely unpleasant. But after two bags of IV fluids I was indeed feeling much better. So the lesson for the day, apparently, is that church does a number on my eating schedule AND I drink less water there than at home!

My health is good, the baby is fine, and the scale is showing some water retention and poor eating choices from the evening (after a healthy dinner I ended up mindlessly munching on a bunch of junk, somewhat out of stress/exhaustion). I was mad at myself for eating without being very hungry and not controlling my intake better, but today is another day and I am committed to eating as on plan as ever. The stress and pain of yesterday is behind me, today is a GOOD day, and the scale? It'll take care of itself.

As for me, I have some water and protein to snarf, so I'm on my way :)

I am glad it was nothing more serious, but I hope this doesn't mean my blood sugar isn't regulating well. I still havent heard back on my glucose tests so I will assume no news is good news, but I need to give them a call and schedule an appointment to update them on what happened yesterday.

Well, it was entirely uneventful. I am still up just under ten pounds for the whole pregnancy, though still measuring hugely ahead at 33 weeks (relative) fundal height. It didn't jump significantly from last appointment's size, so they aren't concerned, but I definitely wonder if he is going to be a bigger baby than his sisters or just pees a lot of amniotic fluid :)

My blood pressure was stellar at 120/70, and my glucose test was uneventful (no dizziness or nausea). I should get the results of my sugars in the next few days, with any luck, but I am not too worriedly. If I could pass at 50 pounds heavier and a lot junkier eating, I'd be intensely surprised to NOT pass when I am in such better health. Age does increase insulin resistance during pregnancy, but with baby #3 I am STILL younger than many women are with baby #1, these days! Thus I don't think age will be a factor until I am well over 30.

Let's see, they didn't have anything epic to say about the intense pelvic pain and pressure other than that it sounded like really bad round ligament pain, coupled with the pelvic symphisis dysfunction I already knew I had (get it every single pregnancy). Her only recommendation was pelvic support from a girdle, so I'll be looking into that. A sweet friend offered hers to me and I'll give that a shot first, and if that doesn't fit I may have to bite the bullet and go get fitted for one at the pharmacy. We'll see, but I am both relieved that its no major issue and bummed that there's no solution. Her advice was to not exercise if it was hurting, she wasn't concerned about my weight gain or health enough to recommend that exercise was more important than rest.

If I feel good and want to move I will, otherwise I have official permission to loaf around on the couch :)

Nothing more to tell. I have another appointment on August 8th and then I go every two weeks for a month, before my appointments move to once weekly. Not too much longer to go now!

Well this will all be very boring, but that's okay! My weight this morning was 219.6, which I am happy about, after some food *cough*pizza*cough* kept it higher with sodium for three days. I was in a parade at our local fair this past Saturday and was thankfully driving the vehicle instead of marching out in front, because there was no WAY I could have walked at that speed and distance without pain (fast walk for over a mile, with hills, darting back and forth to either side of the road to hand out candy and fliers). As it was, my husband and I walked through the fair to look for some lunch afterward and I almost couldn't make it. I had to stop every few steps to try and get the tightness and pain to subside. It wasn't full on contractions, but the ligaments in my pelvis as well as my poor, useless abs protested the whole time. We walked VERY slowly but it was quite a painful and intense chore.

In light of that and my last exercise attempt, I do think that I may try to do a few videos but I am not going to keep persisting through pain. If I have a day where I feel great and the exercise isn't hurting I'll do it, but right now I just have NO abdominal support or strength, and my hips are a mess. I am really sad too, that our budget right now has disallowed continued chiropractic visits, because my pelvis is definitely slipping out of alignment and causing more pain.

My eating has been fine, my target calories, without exercise, are at around 1980 right now, and that is for a pound-a-week loss. I generally overeat those by about 250-500 calories, depending on my hunger and food choices, and I figure that's fine as well. I am essentially maintaining on the food front and the scale will do whatever it wants. Some days I eat more, some days I eat less, I am generally feeling strong and satisfied at the end of the day and so I will continue on in this eating pattern until postpartum makes me re-evaluate my plan, based on my hunger and weight loss goals.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow with the midwife of the practice and I will be bringing up my pain during exercise and general discomfort. I have had a huge, tight, swelling feeling lately, and I think our son had a massive growth spurt to have pushed my uterus so high, so fast, but I want to double check it isn't something amiss. Either way there has been a TON of pressure and general discomfort that comes with being huge and getting bigger, and that is definitely limiting what I feel I can do. For now I am focusing on keeping up with my daily schedule, more or less, and trying to fight my nightowl tendencies to get enough rest. Unless the midwife encourages me otherwise, I will probably shelve exercise again, unless it is necessary or feels okay to do. The ligament pain is just intense and not something probably worth enduring at this point.

Every pregnancy I say I will look into belly support and every pregnancy I don't do it, despite needing it. Maybe it's finally REALLY necessary now! I see what I can find in the way of pregnancy girdles/belts that may help my back a bit. I really appreciate all input and comments on the subject of exercise, and I think my conclusion, especially after this weekend, is that the benefits of exercise right now probably don't outweigh the disadvantages of the strain it is putting on me. So I will try to maintain my daily activities, sans intentional exercise, and hope that keeps me in decent enough shape to be flexible and resilient for birth.

I'll report in after my OB appointment is anything is interesting :)

I'm actually stumped here, dearest Internet.

I really can't figure out if I should be exercising or not.

The walking is not exacerbating my pelvic symphisis issues at all, those actually seem to improve/abate for a bit after working out, but my belly is really painful for the walking and that has NOT been abating through the course of the exercise, it actually gets worse. Imagine two Charlie horses in the front of your hips that draw tighter and tighter the more you move. Sharp, burning pain. That is round ligament pain, during pregnancy, except usually it is just a twinge from a funky movement and goes away. Unfortunately it seems through the course of my twenty minutes working out that it just persists.

It is excruciating, but I really enjoy the exercise overall, I just can't seem to get a handle on those ligaments. With how short I am my belly gets huge and pendulous fast, and that puts a strain on those ligaments as they bear much more weight. Walking is a shock to those shock absorbers, and every step hurts when they decide to act up.

Now, as to where I am torn (figuratively, not literally thank goodness!), round ligament pain is USUALLY harmless, if really, really, uncomfortable. It isn't a sign something is 'wrong' and while pregnancy is the time to take it easy and not overdo it, I can't figure out if the muscular, cardiovascular, and energy benefits of moving outweigh the disadvantages of this pain. I don't know if it is something I should head or push through, because it is a common pain and not indicative of a problem with my body like a contraction would be.

I've had a few contractions working out as well, and you CANNOT mark or walk through those! I definitely have to pause and wait for them to pass before moving again. It's nothing regular or too strong so those don't worry me, but nonetheless I am really struggling with finding a light activity to do that won't cause me pain.

I need to verify but I am pretty sure I have an OB appointment next Wednesday (for my 28 week check and glucose test) and I will bring it up then. In the meantime, I am honestly stumped - the more active one is during pregnancy the better labor usually goes, the faster the recovery, the better positioned the baby, etc etc. I honestly have no clue where the equation gets tipped and one does more harm than good by moving, especially when the pain signal is explainable and not related to preterm labor. I have honestly never been very active during a pregnancy, I am a couch slug, and walking has generally been very painful at the end of each pregnancy. But this time I WANT to move and I am not sure if I should. What do I do?

As promised, here is a shot of how I look today, at 219.8 and 27 weeks pregnant, so about six-ish months and nine pounds heavier than where I started. My bathroom lighting is absolutely awful in this shot, but oh well!

My underbust is smaller than prepregnancy by about an inch, and my belly is measuring several weeks ahead. And yes, I have carried every single pregnancy very high, which makes me look like I have swallowed a beach ball. On the upside, I am happy that I definitely look pregnant, as opposed to just fat! Our son should be weighing in at a little over two pounds and fifteen inches long. He is flipping around like crazy and has very obvious sleeping and waking cycles (usually the opposite of me, of course ;) ).

I have always thought looking and being pregnant agreed with me, I honestly love it, even with the aches and pains. Given the size of family we want, it's a good thing I like all of this!

If you would like proof that I am not actually bald, there's a hastily snapped progress shot WITH hair in my album. I just dropped it out of the updo, so it's not combed, but it does indeed exist!

Off to go workout now :)

Well, my weight is up slightly this week, to 219.8. I feel pretty good and haven't had any major contracting episodes. I will be trying to work in a mile of Walk Away the Pounds as well, after lunch time today, so wish me luck!

My eating has been pretty good. I'm still splurging a bit here and there (those evil M&Ms are ALMOST gone, thanks to feeding them liberally to my kids and in a more measured fashion to myself) but really not doing anything crazy. In fact I am really quite proud of myself for staying pretty much on plan when I have a million excuses not to!

I am officially in my third trimester now, as counted by my OB (27 weeks), so new belly pictures will be coming. I look pretty good, if I do say so, myself!

As always, I am hoping I am losing some weight through my slight calorie restriction during pregnancy, but if I end up at around 210 after a few weeks postpartum (to let the swelling and water retention settle) I'll be a happy girl as well. Maintaining is what I've been aiming for, and hopefully that is what I'll achieve.

Off to another healthy week!

Well I did manage to get off my lazy butt for the first time in over a month to do a structured workout and used one mile of a Leslie Sansone DVD. I definitely couldn't throw myself into it, I couldn't lift my leg high enough without pain and just felt way too unstable moving frenetically. So I dialed it back to maybe a 6-7 on the 10 point scale of effort and managed to do the warmup and mile with no serious issues.

Beginning it, I had a lot of pain and twinges on my right side, which I know was round ligament pain. It almost feels like a stitch in your side from running, but it is deeper, lower, and in the front of the hip, not above it. That hurt, but it did subside and only certain movements caused it. I also contended with pubic symphisis pain from overly relaxed ligaments holding my pelvic girdle together. Basically it feels like a hot poker being shoved into your hip or pubic zone from the bottom up. It is a shooting, burning pain I've had the joy of contending with every pregnancy, I doubt it will go away in the future as it has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with hormones and my own physiology.

That is ever present, whether I am laying down, walking, whatever. If I lift my leg it hurts, when I sit it hurts. It's life, and not a pain that will be better or worse if I baby it. So I pushed through that as well, and surprisingly, as my joints got warmer and my alignment got better (my muscles pulled my skeleton back together, I think ;) ) eve that pubic pain stopped a bit, which is AMAZING! So yeah, it wasn't as easy at it was prepregnancy, and I didn't exert myself as much as I used to, but I still got a lightly elevated heart rate, a good stretch, and warmer muscles and joints. Warming them up did indeed help the daily aches subside just a smudge (at least here in the immediate after), so I consider the whole prospect a win.

Given that it didn't make me contract at all or aggravate anything I can think of, I will make a more concerted effort to do a mile a day until my body says 'stop' again. Even with how pooped out and sore I am, this did seem to help me out, so I think any movement I can do will benefit me at this point,

My lazy side is pouting at this revelation, but the rest of me feels pretty darn good ;)

Well my weight has been all over the place these past two weeks but it seems to be settling after another jump again. My belly is also huge, so I'll forgive the scale any indiscretions against me ;)

From Friday to this Wednesday my weights were: 220.0, 219.8, 221.0, 221.2, 221.4, 219.4, and today's weight was 220.4. No particular reason for any of these, just fluctuations of food, sodium, baby pee, who knows. It can be maddening, but overall I think I can say finished this month up by about three pounds, and most of it will fall off in another few months.

Onto fun stuff! I will be doing another belly picture in two weeks, when I hit the third trimester, but I happen to have a preview of it since a dear friend of mine threw a birthday party for herself with a fabulous henna artist and I got some arm work done. She posed me very nicely for the shot and both the henna AND belly look pretty awesome, if I do say so myself :)

The glitter only lasted for a day as it was just a pretty filler, and the dark brown henna flaked off to reveal the orangey/brown stain that is still very dark, even four days later. It was a good batch of henna.

Here's a picture of me with my friend Deanna (left) and the birthday girl Elizabeth (middle), who also happens to be the owner of these photos:

Consequently, you think I'd realize after so many obnoxiously bald-looking pictures that having my hair in buns for pictures just isn't all that flattering on someone who is round like me. Another more weight related realization of these shots is that, though I have arguably gained ten pounds now (at 26.5 weeks pregnant) it really isn't in my face or anywhere else but my belly, that I can see. My face looks about the same as it did in my prepregnancy pictures, with no major bloat. And since I show ALL my weight and water retention in my chin(s) this gives me additional comfort that this weight will completely or mostly drop off post-birth. I just keep having to do MY part and watch that if I AM hungrier than my daily calories, I am eating healthier than not.

My hips are killing me, as they do by this point every pregnancy (it keeps getting a few weeks earlier, but I blame that on my body settling into pregnancy earlier each time), and so even rolling over in bed or lifting my leg to get up another stair is stabbing pelvic pain. Even if I was trying to exercise each day (which I haven't been), I honestly don't know if I could do it. At this point I can barely sit on a normal couch, it bugs my back and hips so much. So I have been confined mostly to a stability ball for a chair and standing. My plans for exercise have thus essentially been shelved. If I get an urge and feel good I may do it, but right now it's just too much to bother with.

My only concern with shelving the exercise is that I can already tell I am losing some muscle tone, and I NEED that muscle tone for an easier birth. So right now I need to seriously weigh the mental priority of going easy on myself vs. forcing myself to do SOME exercise and try to maintain tone in my legs, back, and abs. Birth is harder than a race in a lot of respects, and going into it without some training is asking for problems (as I have experienced in the past). So I can't quite decide if I should make a serious effort to overcome this pain and my laziness or keep taking it easy. I can persist in my normal household duties for the most part, needing more sleep now, but I am hesitant to exert myself any more.

I continue to mull over this and other things. In the meantime, I'm just plodding along in stasis, eating the same and watching the scale slowly move up (or rather, stay stay JUMP, stay stay JUMP). I am probably eating 2200-2400 calories most days, as I am not eating SUPER healthy (some higher fat foods and desserts) and have been hungrier. But for the most part 80% of my eating is quality and I am writing it all down. I will need to tighten back up for weight loss mode post-baby, but for now I am enjoying a higher calorie, more lax way of eating without any inexplicable gains :)

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone! It's a pretty special day here in Alaska, given how crazy our daylight situation is. It will stay bright enough outside tonight that you can read a book outside without any additional light on it. We've had rainy, overcast, cooler weather for almost the entire past month, but today is beautiful and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. This makes for a much brighter solstice, indeed!

As for my weight, I am down from the past two days to 218.8, which is still high, but oh well. I don't think I'll be able to make my mental goal of keeping my weight out of the 220's during this pregnancy, but it is still less than 9 pounds of gain, so I can't complain too much. I'm back on track with my eating today and doing very well, except for some general fatigue and not moving around much. I just haven't been feeling it, to tell the truth, and especially with my tiredness and contracting, at this point I am considering any movement a total bonus.

Melynda asked a question on a previous entry and it is a good one! For calorie counters, like me, how do we estimate our daily calorie needs? Well, basically you begin with some theoretical metabolic calculations from your age, weight, frame, and activity level. There are formulas to do this, and dozens of online calculators to help. Then, once you figure out your Basal Metabolic Rate (how much you burn just laying in bed all day) you adjust your caloric intake to have a net loss at the end of your day, which means you are burning calories and thus losing weight.

For me, I use the calculator on my iphone App called Loseit, which estimates my maintenance calories to be around 2300 a day, and thus I can cut that amount to see varying levels of weight loss. Currently I am eating at around 2000-2200 calories a day and gaining very slowly, but likely just baby weight. I should actually be losing fat. Pre-baby I could eat 1600-1800 calories a day and lose a pound or so per week.

Basically you are your own science experiment. The calculators are just a starting point, but basically you pick a calorie amount, measure and track your food calories and exercise expenditures, and see how you lose on that amount. That is where a weight log like the one I posted in the The Chart comes in handy. After a few weeks of weighing in daily it will tell you exactly how many calories you are in excess or shortage of from daily maintenance. So if you are in calorie deficit of 410 per day, you would be losing right around or slightly under a pound a week. You can then choose to raise or lower your calories depending on the results you want to see. Logging your caloric intake AND weight is really the best way to see how your body reacts to what you are eating.

My daily routine to track my weight is just to log my weight after using the bathroom in the morning, usually with no extra clothes on. I enter that into my weight log. Then throughout the day I measure my food (some things I weigh/measure strictly, like peanut butter, while other foods, like fruits and veggies, I just loosely measure) and log what I eat into my Loseit app and aim for around 2000 calories a day. Lately I have been eating over that amount if I am hungry for more, but this is more of a maintenance/intuitive eating time for me than if I was in active weightloss mode.

I hope that answers the question. You can actually modify your diet without any calculators at all, but you have to then be extra vigilant on tracking your food intake to get a precise number. Raise or lower it as needed until you see results you want, and give it a good month or two before changing to a different amount, to give your body plenty of time to react.

I had a rough, long, boring, stressful day today. It started early and has ended late, and I ate fairly badly for dessert tonight. I'll give my basic menu today, in the interest of full disclose.

Breakfast was some granola (homemade) and nonfat plain yogurt.

Lunch was carrots, an apple, a peach, and some leftover homemade pizza from last night. This was eaten at a six hour conference in place of the meal they served (which was overpriced and not that tasty, anyway).

Dinner was what my Inlaws served. I had a slice of block Parmesan for a snack. The main event was some hamburger and bratwurst with no buns, corn, some baked beans, grilled onion, and a small serving of rhubarb cobbler.

This wasn't bad, I was within or close to my daily calorie estimates, as far as I could tell. Deciphering the calories in my MIL's cooking is tricky, but she is a health nut and all the food was good quality and not laden with fat.

The problem came about when I got home from this day. I made my DH a cake for father's day and didn't use as much discretion as normal when cooking. I was still very full from dinner, but I WANTED cake batter and frosting. So I ate some, and maybe a 1/4 cup serving of peanut m&ms as well. But the cake was very rich - devils food cake with penuche fudge frosting - and I was physiologically full to begin with. I only had a small sliver of cake, an inch by two inches from my 9x13 pan, and a cup (literally) of milk. I was satisfied with that amount, I got a taste and was good.

But the previous junky foodfest hit my stomach and now I feel icky full, as often happens to me later in pregnancy (my uterus is mere inches from my sternum now, very squished stomach as a result). So while my eating was maybe 500 calories over my budget, maybe more, I feel MUCH worse than I would otherwise because of the lack of room. I feel like I ate a house instead of a few spoonfuls of frosting and a half cup of cake batter. It wasn't much of a binge, but it feels like it.

To learn from this, I do feel a little guilty, but I know beating myself up over one evening's worth of bad food, when the rest of the day was planned, is silly and pointless. I knew what I was doing when I did it, and it definitely was naughty and not very healthy. It also wasn't very satisfying. This does just reinforce why I usually eat moderately and enjoy some desserts but don't let myself go overboard. Some foods are tough for me, and brownie batter/chocolate cake batter/any cookie dough are at the top of the 'I have no control!' list. But I did only eat a sliver of the finished cake, with little desire for more over the next few days. It's simply too sweet and rich. And the batter is now out of my house, not to return any time soon. And my husband and kids will enjoy is treat without me feeling very tempted at all.

I can't shake my disappointment in my slip, especially since I usually do very well, and having the scale climbing up has made being vigilant a little more difficult than normal (its just the way pregnancy goes!). So I think my plan it to remember is feeling of icky over-fullness, the sweetness that is more sickly than tasty to me, and the fact that even a few counted and measured slices of homemade pizza sit in my belly just fine provided I have eaten a lot of fiber and not OVEReaten on the richer foods. A little goes a long way, and this just reminds me how much I need to listen to my fullness cues and not overeat. It just isn't a pleasant thing to do.

So I have fessed up to a bad evening. My game plan, as always, despite any guilt I may feel, is to get right back on the horse tomorrow morning with a healthy breakfast, a solid lunch, and a very light dinner (those seems to be the combo that helps me avoid heartburn the best in the evenings). The scale may go way up due to sugar and salt, as well as sleep deprivation lately. But what the scale does doesn't need to affect my health or responses to my situation. As o have said countless times, I control my eating, and the scale will go where it may. Overeating during pregnancy, especially, is NOT worth it, and if the scale does go up, I am committed to that reason NOT being my lack of healthy habits of vigilance over what goes in my mouth.

I am by no means a diet Nazi, but there is just next to no payoff to indulging in the things I did tonight. I know why I did it - stress, exhaustion, availability, and a handy excuse of a holiday for my sweets-loving husband. But none of those are good enough reasons to feed that empty junk to my body and overstuff myself to the point of discomfort. So onward I go from tonight, and tomorrow morning will be just as it usually is - healthy and on plan. We all slip and fall, but the real strength is in getting back up.

So it has been spoken of on here before, but I will reiterate it again: I am a daily weigher. I do this so I can chart exactly how my body responds to food and exercise, as well as things like pregnancy and vacations. And those things - both pregnancy and vacations - have laid themselves out in fine form on the last six months of my chart. Behold!

This is the data from my weights from the middle of December to today. The gray line is the actual data, the red line is the overall adjusted trend of what those numbers actually DID. The flat parts of the line indicate times I was away from the scale for vacations. January and February's flat lines were the trips to California for my Grandmothers' funerals, the long flat portion in April was the trip to Michigan to visit my husband's family and friends.

There is a clear pattern demonstrated by these events - I have a flat line (vacation), followed by high spiking weights (sodium, water retention from travel, stress), and then a gradual downward trend to a stable weight for a few weeks or months until the next vacation, or a slight upward trend when I started gaining some baby weight.

Why I am showing you these charts, or explaining my weight patterns to you?

Well, for starters, a lot of people in the weight loss blogosphere would see such a chart and point out the massive fluctuations, the gains, the returns to normal, the overall NOT loss pattern of it. They would be horrified if this were their personal chart, it looks that bad. The graph doesn't lie, I gained weight overall, even with the corrections after travel.

But that isn't what I see. For starters, this is a pregnancy, and a HEALTHY pregnancy. Yes, I have gained weight, but even with the initial shock of the jagged daily inputs and the condemning upward trail of the bright red line (kind of reminds you of a teacher's grading pen, doesn't it?), we must assess the data as a whole, and that is an exercise is self acceptance, understanding, and knowledge of one's body AND habits. It is a marvelous thing to behold, and EXPLAINABLE!

No gain is unexplained in the journal notes that go along with these weights. There were the trips, dates with my husband, salty soups, any number of workout routines tried, a few mornings of constipation, and any number of normal water weight fluctuations that go along with being a human being.

Then there's the overall trend, which looks pretty bad without the margins, but let's take it in context of the units measured. I went up approximately seven pounds from my low pre-pregnancy weight (210-211) to today (216-217). That was over the course of SIX months. I managed to eat reasonably enough that I have only gained .18 pounds per week. Less than a FIFTH of a pound per WEEK of gestation. The daily calorie excess isn't even accurate, as it cannot account for the fact that I am growing a human being, with all the assorted biological sundry along with it (placenta, amniotic fluid, our son's own rapidly gaining mass). I started this segment of my weight journey, post Christmas holiday season, with a good weight (just barely dipping below 210) and a small bunch of growing and dividing cells. Now I am here, six months heavier, with a two pound, 14 inch baby inside, a slimmer face, fuller bust, rounder hips, and a whole BUCKETFUL more knowledge about myself and my weight loss than I had when I began.

Along the red trend line, what you don't see, is that I have essentially maintained or even LOST excess weight while still keeping a healthy set of habits and a reasonably healthy lifestyle. I have faithfully logged my weight and food and kept up on my healthy habits without ANY real scale payback. God has blessed me with, not only my wonderful unborn son, but a trial period of weight maintenance and habit development that will bless me for the rest of my life. I have LEARNED how to be a maintainer, before the heartbreak and confusion of getting to a goal weight and then having to figure out what is next. Through this chart that is GAINING despite my healthiest habits and efforts, I have learned to make peace with my body and what *I* need to do to both manage my weight AND live my life in balance.

For me, daily weighing has been invaluable, both through pregnancy and before. It has taught me what my body does and why, how I respond to the stimuli and input (food) I experience, how I lose and what is a real issue (the red trend line going up when I am in losing mode) and what is just my body functioning as it should (PMS bloat, excess water weight that will subside, pregnancy gains, etc). I have been able to take random numbers generated from the scale and create data I can USE to understand how I function best, and what I need to do to see the scale go down, up, AND stay fairly even. I have had that entire scope of experience in the past six months, and I am better because of it.

This chart isn't failure, it is empowerment. It has taken power away from the scale and given it to ME, by helping me understand what the numbers mean and what to expect from my routine, instead of me sitting on the scale Monday morning and praying things turn out the way I want them to. With that trend line I can see if my eating genuinely has me headed for a gain and correct it BEFORE the pounds pile on, as much as I can see when I have a sodium spike that is nothing to freak out about. I also have learned how to keep the whole thing in perspective, and that the number on the scale doesn't reflect my worth as a person or EVEN my success as a dieter. Its' going up with the baby has made it necessary for me to divorce habits I KNOW are good from a scale that, without context, would indicate failure. I can be content and healthy without needing the validation of dropping weight. I will NOT yo yo diet and get frustrated by maintenance because my perspective has been shifted to a very different outlook. I have been moved beyond scale dependence, because I know what the numbers do and don't mean.

So for me, I am absolutely proud of the numbers in my sidebar, and proud of this chart. I am not ashamed by the spikes after junk food, vacations, or what have you, and not perplexed over why it went down one week and up another. Daily weight tracking has been absolutely crucial to my success as a dieter, because it has given me the perspective I need to do this for the rest of my life.

Is this something that might be suitable for YOU? We don't all fall pregnant along our weight loss journeys, but daily data gives us more information to work with and a more accurate picture of what our bodies are doing than weekly weights. It might be just the ticket you need to help you move past perpetual diet mode and into the mindset of a maintainer. If you would like to start your own chart, this is one of many resources that can help you do it: The Hacker's Diet Log.

How often do you weigh and what made you choose that frequency?

Appointment went well.  My blood pressure is great at 110/75, baby boy was kicking up a storm and moving to the point that Dr. Bell couldn't even tell what position he was in, because he kept changing it :)

I am up 4-6 pounds at 24 weeks, depending on what scale and time of day the weight is taken, which is great news.  Unfortunately I am too wiped out to do much exercising right now and even the slightest walking or lifting has been making me contract. I am not on bedrest, but the doctor does want me to take it easy.  Oh, and I am not crazy after all, my fundal height is measuring in at 29 weeks instead of 24, so the early heartburn issues make a little more sense.

If I start contracting again like I did this weekend I am supposed to head into the OB triage at the hospital to be checked out. This just goes to show how different every pregnancy is, I had NO preterm issues with the girls!

So yup, I think that is the bulk of the news.  My next appointment marks my third trimester, nasty glucose test, and the home stretch of this thing! It does look like my exercise schedule may be on permanent hiatus for the remainder of this, if walking around a grocery store makes me contract! I am still cleaning and running the house at my normal level without issue, so my NEAT is fairly high. My concentration right now is still on tightening up the eating side of things again. I have been craving protein like crazy, and given that my weight jumped AND my uterus measurement jumped, I think that protein was to facilitate a baby growth spurt. I am getting enough protein and fruit, but vegetables have been a sad, sorry affair. Fortunately, it is a fixable problem!

All in all, I am very happy with how this pregnancy is progressing. I will post another belly picture in the next few weeks to show how round a short gal like me gets during pregnancy, as well as a face shot update to boost my self esteem and show off my hard work in making my hair healthier too. I think I need some vanity sessions, to distract myself from the constant struggle of accepting a rising scale no matter WHAT I am eating :)

Take care, everyone! 

Okay everyone, this is just a quick note - I had some ouchie contractions this weekend and have been generally exhausted and somewhat sore from our son laying transverse in my pelvis, so that has hampered a lot of additional activity, but I did weigh in at 216.8 this morning, which may be a bit high considering the sodium in my dinners the past two nights!

I have an OB appointment this afternoon I am getting ready for right now, so if anything eventful happens there I'll update you. I am also 24 weeks today, which is the cusp of viability, should our son be born early. YAY! In other baby related news, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant with her 4th (second with him), I just found out a few minutes ago, and a friend of mine from church is pregnant with her 3rd. Congratulations to all the pregnant mamas!

Word to the wise - before your weekly weigh-in it isn't the best idea to load up on sodium and carbohydrates. No, really it isn't. Because it WILL make you retain water and generally do wicked things to the scale.

Yesterday was a BAD food day. Not out of control, but not super healthy choices either. I gave in and ate what my husband makes the kids for Sunday breakfast - pancakes and eggs (I added the protein in for myself, he didn't make them any). Lunch was a beef soup (healthy but still salty), nectarine, and some lava cake (carbs and deliciousness, though only about 300 calories a serving). Dinner was sushi with lots of soy sauce and some unsweetened iced tea. Not a terrible day, no binges, but over my calorie preferences AND full of things that do not make the scale respond kindly.

But as with all things, I am far from beating myself up over this. As a daily weigher I could predict what this would do to me - I went from averaging in the mid 216's with baby weight bloated up to 218.0 with all of those water-retaining nutrients this morning. I know I didn't gain two pounds this week and tomorrow will likely see me back to my normal slow up-trending pattern, but there was definitely a rueful chuckle as I stepped on the scale this morning!

Though I have been sapped of energy lately, I am absolutely planning on doing a short workout this afternoon. I need to keep my base muscle tone up to help me with this birth, and slacking on moving isn't going to help me in the long run. So I will still be taking it easy, but vacation time is OVER right now, when it comes to my health! I am still going to gain, that's a feature of pregnancy I can't avoid, but I need to maximize my health in the meantime, So, I'm working on it :)

How did all of you do this weekend? On plan or off the rails?

I ended up not going in to have my hand looked at, as it wasn't getting any worse. My body seems to have fought whatever nastiness was associated with the bite and the swelling is pretty much gone. The whole area still itches but it is definitely on the mend, which is great!

The scale has stuck at 216.4 for three days in a row, so I am assuming that, holiday or growing baby, that is my accurate weight. It is up about six pounds from my pre pregnancy estimate and up about three from what the doctor measured me at for ten weeks gestation, so I'm quite happy with that. I am still struggling with lethargy and not doing my exercise block but that's okay, I am really not feeling like pushing at myself right now and need rest instead. I could beat myself up over my lack of exercise, but honestly I am still doing a lot of standing and moving throughout the day, just not a lot of hard, intentional movement. I feel okay today but my husband will be coming home early for a church thing we have, so I will be using my exercise block of time to start early on dinner before we go.

I think it is important to remind myself that NONE of this is failure. I am healthy and fairly active, my body is handling pregnancy fatigue and aches very well, but it's not the time to push myself hard if my energy or joints aren't up to to it. I still want to do more, but my body isn't really up for it right now.

I've had a few splurgy treats for eating, but overall am doing fine on that and staying around my calorie budget. No serious weightloss has occurred, I don't think, but I am not gaining either. This is as good as I Dan ask for in the holding pattern that is the next few months. I don't know if I'll make 189 by January this year or not, since I will only have two months postpartum and that assumes no stitches or surgery to recover from, but I can't say this year was bad in terms of weight if I consider how much I'd have gained if I wasn't watching what I ate. Probably 250 and higher, I'm sure. So maintenance really has been a feat unto itself and I know I should be proud and not frustrated. Like I said, I just need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing and how far I have come, instead of frustration at a perceived 'lack of progress'.

It's all about progress and not perfect, after all :)

Excuse the lack of updates, it was sheer laziness on my part!

Things are going well enough here, though I have had a rougher time exercising this past week due to general busyness and exhaustion, but am trying to fix that this week (no success yet, and tonight will be no exception, sadly!). Eating has been okay, though still a little short of veggies most of the time. Several get-togethers this weekend upped my sodium and junk food totals a bit, so I was not surprised to weigh in on Sunday at 216.6, and Tuesday at 217. It's the nature of holiday food, it will go away soon enough :)

On Memorial Day I got a mosquito bite on my hand and it has only become worse, with my whole hand now swelling with cellulitis. So this afternoon my husband is coming home early to take me to the doctor and make sure I don't have what I think I have - which is a bacterial infection from the stupid bug. Worst case scenario I end up on antibiotics and my guts are unhappy for a week or two. Its better than having sepsis during pregnancy, thats for sure, and I will be glad for anything to take away the pain and tenderness of the whole top of my hand right now. It's obnoxious!

Let's see, anything else? I definitely can't wear anything but maternity gear now, outside the house at least. All my non-maternity shirt ride up embarrassingly. I also had to dig out a bra that was previously just a bit too big in the cups and make that my standard, because everything else was too tight and not supporting me anymore, especially since the bands became loose with weightloss. So I am in a 38-40J right now, which is massive, but I actually look slimmer and better shaped in a bra of the correct size, as they show off my waist and make everything sit where it is supposed to. They don't look huge under clothes, so I'll take what I can get ;)

Scheduling is still going well, with some flexibility thrown in for tired mornings and late night - I have, unfortunately, been skipping my morning bible study for some extra sleep, but I am hoping to resume it tomorrow. And on the scheduling note, I now I have to go clean bathrooms, so I'll leave it here.

How did all of YOU do with your Memorial Day eating? Was it stressful, fun, on plan, off plan, etc? I just madr sensible choices and enjoyed myself, and I honestly didn't bother tracking more than the basic calories as best I could approximate. I'm okay with that!

Get your vegetables, crazy lady!

Seriously self, I know you're staying within your calories, and protein is the MOST important when growing a human being, but the quality of the calories is at LEAST as important as the quantity of them. You're eating good, but cut out some treats and add back in some roughage, for the sake of your colon, if nothing else!

There is no excuse for being entirely on plan except for missing most fruit/veggie servings. I want to see ONE OF EACH AT *LEAST* every meal, six servings, minimum, per day. You're eating about four. Do better, because you KNOW you feel better when you do.

I'm doing my part, you hold up your end of the bargain.

Sincerely, Your Guts

Another week of not much to say, forgive my boring maintenance mode :)

This morning found me at 215.2, which is what I was bouncing back and forth to all week, when salt bloat subsided in waves. I exercised four of the five days of the week, and just got back from biking the kids to the park again today, with strength training this afternoon. Perhaps the biggest health side effect of maintaining my schedule is having no excuse to not exercise, as incidental exercise is booked in everyday at 11:00 (in the form of taking the kids down to the park on my bike or hanging with them in the yard) and intentional workout time everyday from 4-5:00. I usually spend the latter time either walking weighted miles with Walk Away The Pounds (Leslie Sansone) or strength training with resistance bands, and it feels GREAT. Then, just because I am pregnant and all, I even have an hour nap from 5-6:00 and if I am not tired then it is reading/knitting/DVD/bloggy time. All this, and I still get sections of the house cleaned daily, as well as laundry done, homeschooing, dinner prep and cleanup, and time with my husband. I am up and about SO much more, I cannot say enough about how great it is to be getting so much done. And obviously, I am burning a ton more calories as well.

The exercise (strength training, especially) has been key in keeping my weight down, I think, as well as upping my energy and lowering my hip and pelvic pain. When my muscles are stronger, my joints take less of a beating. Its just that simple.

I am currently reading an AMAZING book, New Rules of Lifting For Women, and cannot wait to begin strength training more vigorously, to build some real muscle and increase my fitness and daily calorie burn, I am active enough right now that I am seriously considering upping that exercise during pregnancy and seeing how my body handles it, but if all else fails I can just keep on walking and doing my resistance exercises and hopefully will be in good, strong shape for birth. I will confess that I have been feeling a real drive to move my fitness away from endurance exercises and into strength, given my personal goals and body composition I think I will get a lot more out of it in terms of fitness bang for my hourly buck, and I want to be a STRONG mama as these pounds drop, not just fat-skinny and weak. Especially given the health problems I do have, minor as they are, I know the key is in not taxing my tendons and joints but bolstering my musculature.

So that's what has been on my mind lately.

On a fairly unrelated side note, today marks 20 wells passed, so I am in my fifth month of pregnancy and approximately halfway through! Somehow, it has started RACING by instead of the creep of earlier this year. Hubby and I have also decided on a name for our son, though we're still testing it out mentally to see if it will stick. I am not sure at this point if I will share it before birth or not, but it is one we both like a lot.

Um... Am I forgetting anything? I have been giving into more fast food cravings than usual, but am just logging the calories and moving on. I am obviously not gaining from them, but I know they are not the best choices in terms of nutritional density. So my ongoing goal is to keep my junk food intake to a minimum and eat out only on my date night with my husband on Saturdays. It's not affecting my healthy eating the rest of the time, nor am I bingeing on it (I am satisfied on a LOT less food when eating out than I used to be!) but it's something I want to keep to a rare treat, as it has been for the past two years. I'm not worried, but that is where I am right now. Fit, energetic for the most part, productive, REproductive, and generally plugging along with my eating, food logging, and weight.

As always, nothing to complain about. Life keeps marching on and weight is only a background concern, for which I am VERY thankful!

So I am 24 today.

Honestly, I feel a lot older. Not in any bad way, I'm not jaded or tired, but I am at a very different place in my life that I thought I would be when I considered my future as a teen. And I am also in a very different place than most of my age-based peers. My circle of support, my social group, consists of a bunch of 30-45 year old married-with-kids, not weekend binge drinkers working on their masters or trying to navigate the job market and make their rent. It's hard to believe where life has taken me, but I wouldn't change a thing. Quite the contrary, it has turned out better than I could have ever planned it, myself. So a lovely family, amazing marriage, and fabulous daily life later, happy birthday to ME!

On weight related ramblings - I was 215.2 today, so my salt retention has tapered off nicely. And I am about 30 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year, YAY!

I had another great day of scheduling, and I've worked out five of my six scheduled days I was able to. I did mostly 1-2 mile walks with upper body weight work at the same time, and it has definitely been intense.  Not only that, but my NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis, google it kids!) is worlds higher than what it was, due to reducing my sitting time from several hours throughout the day to, literally, an hour of time while still awake.  I'm up and about constantly and it feels GOOD to be so on top of everything.  My calorie burn is much higher, though i cannot quantitate it with my daily weighing due to pregnancy adding pounds, I can FEEL the difference in my metabolism and my energy. I am more tired at the end of the day, and consequently sleep better too, but while I am awake I have an amazing amount of energy compared to how felt even a few months before the pregnancy, when I was about the same weight but much more sedentary and lazy. Activity breeds energy, as counterintuitive as it sounds, it's absolutely true!

So it's been a good year. A wonderful year. Filled with lots of challenges and lots of changes, and a fair share of heartbreak too. But that's the way life goes, and mine has been wonderfully blessed. I am invigorated for another year of life, healthier and stronger than ever before. I have so much to look forward to, and at this point my biggest struggle is just to take it all in with the amount of appreciation, humility, and thankfulness that so many blessings deserve.

Thank you Lord, for these days you have given me!

First off, let's get the basics out of the way. I exercised intentionally three times out of four days last week, and went outside/to the park each of those days as well. I weighed in at 215.8 Sunday morning, and was up two pounds this morning from a heavenly, but salty, pho soup last night. I still feel great.

Now, to the important and fun stuff:

We had our ultrasound this morning (and I only got four hours of sleep, so I am dying for a nap after this!) and everything looked great. The sonographer was able to get all the important angles and no visible problems were present. Great heart, kidneys, stomach, brain, spine, even down to a perfect palate and nasal bridge.

And the other thing that was present? A penis! Oh yes, we are indeed expecting our first SON, to add to our lovely daughters. I am over the moon with excitement that everything on him looked good, and that the pressure for producing a boy is now off for all future children. It really was a huge relief.

So my week is made. I had a fabulous 4th anniversary last Thursday and combination Mothers Day/Anniversary dinner on Saturday. I will be 24 in two days as well, and that should be fun. Everything has continued to go well as we adjust to the schedule (and to interruptions, like everyone waking up several hours early this morning), my food is pretty good (I need to focus on getting more veggies in again, though), and I am moving around more than I ever did, even when I am NOT intentionally exercising. All in all I am just so happy with how things are progressing, and thank God for all these blessings I've been given in a healthy body, healthy family, new baby, etc.

All in all, it's been a darn good week. Yay for sons!

Hey all :)

It was a good and healthy week, and after popping out visibly over the weekend I am also up to 215.8 (though at least smidge of that is sodium from some absolutely fabulous homemade popcorn). I feel good and look good, have stayed on plan very well. So why, you ask, would the blog title imply I am taking a little bit of an online break? Usually, in the world of weightless blogs, that means falling off the wagon big time.

Well for me, it's an indicator of wonderful success! Remember how I talked about trying to finish/establish my schedule, and needed to improve my home management? Well after a TON of prayer, the Lord really guided me through and helped me achieve that end, and I not only completed my schedule, but I actually implemented it for the first time today. And even more miraculous? I stuck to it like glue, without a ton of issues. It took a lot of prayer and some discipline, but it paid off in a very productive and smooth day for the entire family.

The schedule itself has literally been six months in the making, and actually writing it out, cutting out the pieces, praying over it and running it by my husband and then sticking it together and pinning it up on the wall... That took two hours over the weekend and all of my free time Monday afternoon. But it was totally worth it. I biked my kids down to the park, cleaned for an hour and forty minutes, and walked a weighted, aerobic mile with a Leslie Sansone DVD. I also got laundry folded, three meals made with complete cleanup, AND an hour nap. Heck, Callie even got a half hour of preschool in. It was a huge success, and I know it my heart this is what I have been needing to do for two years. I only regret that procrastination and sin kept me from completing it, but the Lord has been so faithful in answering my prayers in this area and I feel a complete sense of peace.

In addition to honoring and assisting my husband, spending more time daily in scripture and prayer, and being a better mother to my children, this schedule also gives me two times the daily exercise - with my kids AND a workout alone, during their nap. Food is about the last thing on my mind except during mealtimes, and I am having even LESS trouble sticking to my food plan than normal, given a more structured day.

Now, after all those good things, here is one more arguable good thing - my time during the day is being monopolized by much more important things than food and weightloss, or the Internet, I have scheduled computer time each day, but it is more limited than it used to be and in this forced maintenance mode I don't really benefit from a lot of blog involvement on my own little corner of the internet. I'm happy, things are going well, and spending more time away from the computer is a GOOD thing for me. So given these factors and my limited internet time, I will still do a basic weekly check in, but in general I will be updating less and have less to say for at least a little while. I feel really at peace with a less active presence online right now, and have cut out most websites I used to visit completely. The blog I follow, 3FC, and a few other select sites will still be on my daily visit list, but I just don't have a lot to say right now about life and weightloss.

Everything is good, and good makes for boring, repetitive blog topics unless you're a particularly committed blogger (trust me, I'm not!).

So I'm still here, every day, cheering you all on. I just have less to say right now. Life's uncomplicated and happy, I am blessed and have finally gotten the biggest 'issue' left untouched in my life under control and with great success. Like weight management, home management and my relationships with those I love are an ongoing process that I have to work on and succeed in daily. Right now I am feeling very called to focus on both of these, but I don't need to or have mental energy to expend recounting every boring detail online.

I still log my weight daily, I am exercising MORE than I have in four months, and I am more committed than ever, even in this maintenance, to do the very best I can. I am praying about this and feel very strongly that, right now, I am being led away from being online more than is essential. I did not want to get quieter online without an explanation, lest you all assume what *I* would, which is that this blog went the way of so many others and I fell off the wagon but was too ashamed to admit it, so I just disappeared. The reality is 100% the opposite, and I am very joyful for it.

I may do some blogging about the details of my schedule, and log my weekly exercise time in when I post my weight update for the week, but in lieu of greater details just assume that things are staying very much the same - comfortable, managed, and progressing very well indeed.

Praise the Lord - none of these wonderful changes in my life over the course of this journey are on my own power, its all grace and His faithfulness to me, in the end :)

Up on Sunday to 214.2, I'm really happy with that :).

I feel pretty good, look cute, and am keeping up with the kids without issue. Right now, however, I have to make dinner for said kids, and don't have much time to type. I forgot to weigh on Monday so Sunday will have to do, but overall I am eating on plan and having a steady, slow upward trend. If this holds, I'll gain around ten pounds during the pregnancy, and that is fabulous!

So yeah, weight is good, life is busy, time marches on. See ya later!

Fast little weight update - after suffering from the stomach flu and getting appreciably better by Tuesday (rough from Sunday to then) I suspected my weight was artificially low from vomiting and general dehydration. After all, it had been 215-ish for half of the previous week, once the major vacation/airport bloat settled.

However, it is now Friday and I can safely say that I DID manage to lose some weight from last week, to be sitting firmly in the 214-214.8 range, and I suspect my ease in doing this is related to diminished stomach capacity and a general boredom with eating when I am not hungry. I still hit the occasional emotional food moment where I have to brace myself (and do occasionally give in) as well as a pregnancy craving here or there, but overall I am sitting happily with logging my food and weight daily. I can honestly say I do not spend the time immediately after one meal considering the next, and am not fixated by food.

I've never been a binger, but this is still HUGE for me. All my life I have been preoccupied with eating - I LOVE food, for hunger, taste, emotional distress, enjoyment, rewards, you name it. And even upon buckling down and changing my lifestyle I still maintained a preoccupation with food, it just morphed a bit into a control game, instead of just self-indulgent mode. But something seems to have quietly, subtly mentally shifted, and I find myself mostly free from bondage to food.

Maybe it is that my goal has become more important, life has become too busy, or that my focus has shifted to other parts of my body than my weight. I am not eating fabulously, with some days having far less roughage than they should, but I am not eating everything in sight for any old reason either. I eat when I am hungry and generally stop when I am full but not overstuffed. I indulge in treats, but don't get out of control - a serving is generally enough. I practice moderation on almost all foods and nothing is off limits. I don't obsess over what I am eating or will eat. I log my food and weight with neutral emotions - no "Bad Taryl, you messed up!" or "Great job, the scale will show a loss for sure!".

Somewhere along this journey, I stopped being preoccupied with my diet and exercise because there was too much other stuff to do. Even if it is just vegging on the couch, avoiding a chore, I am not feeling the need to EAT as a diversion.

I suspect this is related to maintenance. Because I can't really focus on losing weight, I am essentially in a healthy holding pattern, my behaviors with food can be looser than when I am trying to lose weight. And unlike BEFORE I tried to change my habits and was 250-260 pounds, my default daily eating is healthy, serving-size appropriate, and pretty well balanced. I'm not winning any veggie-eating awards, but I'm doing just fine. So *now*, at least, in this superimposed maintenance mode, I am genuinely finding my focus doesn't HAVE to be on food, good or bad, for me to live my life without regaining. These habits are automatic for me, and they're kicking in without me even realizing it.

I also suspect that when the baby comes, my stomach volume increases HUGELY overnight again and I am being drained of calories via breastfeeding, that this will shift back into active weight loss mode and more focus will be back on food (as it has to be, at least temporarily, while trying to establish a different calorie intake again). And when I am actively trying to affect the scale I think it will be hard NOT to scrutinize and plan my meals more, it's all just part of changing a variable to achieve a lower weight.

But I am really comforted and thrilled with the fact that I don't have to be food focused forever to avoid a regain. Basic vigilance and preventative steps, in the form of tracking my calories and weight, are really all the tools I need to maintain at these levels. I imagine daily or reasonably regular activity will also factor into maintenance. But somehow, somewhere along this journey, a lifelong obsession with tasty eats became manageable WITHOUT excess. I still enjoy delicious food AND some junkier fare, but like a naturally skinny person, I seem to have achieved a balance that doesn't skew me towards gain OR loss. With a few simple steps each day I am managing to be 'normal' with my eating and not mentally fighting myself to stay on plan and focus on anything other than my next meal.

Rambly though it may be, this revelation elicits a hearty "yay!" from me! So here's to 214 and wherever else the scale goes right now. I'm doing just fine, looking forward to losing more in the future, and reestablishing this content, manageable maintenance mode in the future, at my goal weight :)

My weight today was 213.6, with some caveats.

I have been clocking around 215 for a few days, so I do believe that is more accurate. Somewhere along the lines I caught a stomach bug or food poisoning, and spent most of last night throwing up everything that had ever been in my stomach and fighting lower gastro issues as well. FUN! So I do think that, plus my aversion to eating ANYTHING right now, may have given me a slightly-lower-than-truly-representative weight this morning.

Still, I left for the vacation at 211 and am back at 213-215... It's two weeks of baby gain AND not logging my food, so I'll take it with a grin!

Given that I feel like absolute crap and have no energy to speak of (probably dehydration and a lack of fuel for the muscles) I am not planning on exercising today. That's okay - taking it easy and getting lots of rest will benefit my body far more than pushing too hard and causing myself injury or exhausting myself and delaying my healing from whatever is (making me miserable) ailing me.

Being sick sucks for sure, but there's always a silver lining to even the worst of days. Since I weighed in at OVER 220 when I got off the plane, I consider leveling out a few pounds higher than my previous weight to be quite nice, indeed.

How did YOU do this week?

Diane, over at Fit to the Finish, had a phenomenal blog post today that tied right into where I am with my fitness, I urge you to go check it out and be inspired both by her, and her commenters.

Tying into the comment I left there, here's my report of how my walking went yesterday afternoon:

I admit, my fitness goals are modest at best! My current lame, but achieved, goal was to not let my inability to keep using the exercise bike during pregnancy be an excuse to not move at all and sink into laziness. Especially after a two week disruption of routine, it would have been SO easy to just laze around and not get moving.

But I said I wanted to walk most days of the week and I meant it! I found some shoes, made some time, crossed my fingers that I wouldn't wake the kids and walked three miles at home. Given how prone to laziness and procrastination I am, this was a true victory. It isn't a 5k, it's not even leaving my home... But it is me, showing my commitment to myself and my will to continue to persevere.

It doesn't matter how many times I fall off the wagon, or how many excuses I give myself. It doesn't even matter how often I fail at the goals I set for myself. Every day is a new opportunity to try and do better, and I won't give up. This is a lifelong process and I am only 18 months into it, and more committed than ever. I AM succeeding, the weight is staying off, even without the gratification of seeing the scale drop or seeing sizes get smaller, I know in my heart I am staying the path through a difficult set of circumstances and I am PROUD of myself.

So I will walk again, and again, and again, because that is the promise I make myself. I won't fulfil it everyday, things will come up and I WILL fall into old habits now and again, but I will keep coming back every morning and renewing that promise to myself. I will keep trying again. I have been blessed with a spirit of joy and perseverence and through a lot of prayer and fastidious committment I will keep on the path set before me in this and other areas of my life.

I know what I need to do, it is just a matter of a willingness to do it. And so for that, I'll keep walking.

Here's to another 3 miles today!

Well I survived my 'vacation' (read: obligatory trip) to Michigan and surrounding areas, only a little worse for wear, and am HAPPILY back home with my routine, my internet, and my house rules!

I gained some weight on the trip and I am still waiting to see what is 'real' and what is residual airport bloat, so my first official weigh in will be the normal one on Monday. Due to almost everything being homemade and in unmeasured quantities (I was dealing with a 93 year old woman, I wasn't going to offend her or put her out in any way with my preferred food habits!) I did not log my food the entire trip, but now that I am home everything is being accounted for and written down again.

All in all it went well, but traveling with two small children over a huge time change and with lots of car and plane time is EXHAUSTING. I think my husband and I were honestly more tired DURING and AFTER the vacation than we were BEFORE it, which is absolutely amazing given what our schedule was looking like!

In other general news I feel pretty good - I did score some new walking shoes that fit better and am looking forward to doing some walking during the week, and I also got a new maternity wardrobe that is ALL XL's!!!!! I was in 3x for most of my tops and 1x-2x for my pants, and now I can shop a CLEARANCE RACK and find things that fit in normal sizes! 75% of the store I couldn't even look for clothing in, I was reduced to a plus-sized 'corner', and now I can look at something cute and almost guarantee the store will have it in my size. The only trick is that, due to my HUGE bust (which has not reduced in size even with 45 pounds of weight loss) some cuts of tops (empire, mostly) with seams under the bust do NOT fit, even in a 3x... the seam just cuts right across my boobs in a VERY unflattering way. But having certain styles that don't flatter/fit me is a heck of a lot different than not being able to shimmy into STRETCH pants in a normal size!

Needless to say, it was quite a thrilling NSV. And since these clothes were purchased at Birch Run, arguably the US's largest outlet mall, I also paid about $219 for over $400 worth of clothes! SCORE!

* * * * *

In pregnancy news, I am quite popped out now, and feeling great. I had an appointment yesterday and everything looked good - baby's heart rate was found immediately and chugging away, my blood pressure was 100/69, my fundal height was 18 cm (I always measure large because I am short :)... everything was as it should be. I was given a referral to schedule my second trimester biophysical (the sex ultrasound, to most people) and my next appointment is scheduled on my birthday, May 12th. The ultrasound will be scheduled sometime earlier in that week, I think, as they want me to be about 19 weeks for the scan.

I'm excited and feeling pretty good for the most part - back pain worsened on this trip due to eight hour car rides and seven hours on a plane, and nausea has come back badly, along with some migraines, but nothing has been too debilitating for my daily going-ons to be terribly affected.

Now that I am home I am moving my focus to improving my fitness and continuing to stick to my calorie budget. I really am less concerned with what my weight does, as the baby is actively putting on poundage and adding amniotic fluid at this point, and I know that if I am eating healthfully and being moderately active that the weight will take care of itself. So wherever the benchmark is on Monday, I will hold my head high for the next six months and let the pounds fall where they may. I am in control of my behaviors, not the scale, and will not fret over the random number generator if everything else is in line.

It's good to be back, loves!

The lab got back to me quite quickly, and the sample they had on hand tested completely normal for thyroid function. That's both good and bad - by my blood, at least, I am in optimum health, which is great news. But now I have a bevy of symptoms I can't shake and no explanation for them. Will they persist? Will they go away? What's causing them? I have no answers to any of this.

The nurse's best guess what that it was just a weird hormonal fluctuation that did this. It's possible, of course, but hard to believe my body would react to a normal pregnancy so differently this time around, and with symptoms not typical of pregnancy. As Diane suggested in the comments to the last post, it may have been weightloss as well - but I lost so slowly and gradually it's hard to believe that would have caused a nutritionally-related shed.

My only recourse right now is to keep an eye on the symptoms and keep measuring my thickness every month. If I don't lose more and none of the other symptoms get worse, I will just assume it was a freak occurrence and no underlying problems persist. If I am still having ongoing problems I am going to seek out a deeper metabolic panel to test things like liver enzymes and such and rule out some other possible cause.

I'm super healthy by every indicator but how I feel. Greeeeaaat.

Today and tomorrow have been/will be dedicated to cleaning and getting packed, my LEAST favorite part of travel (I always forget something), I just hope I have the energy to do what needs to be done. Tonight we're offloading my guinea pig to some kids in church to care for, and making sure no cloth diapers are left unwashed before we travel (ewwww.). Food-wise I am doing well today, though I have a headache I just can't shake and I didn't eat anything that would trigger a food-sensitivity-related headache. I just feel off, and it's not making my job any easier!

Add to that my sick toddler who has woken me up over a dozen times a night the past two nights, and who is running a 103.5 fever as of this afternoon (it did go down a few degrees with tylenol, thankfully), and this trip is becoming more daunting by the minute! She conked out for her nap within five minutes of going down, so I hope sleep does her good. On the upside, her little sister is happy as a clam and showing no signs of illness, despite constant swapping of water cups and 'sharing' of food (read: stealing it).

So this day has been... blah. Good and bad news, a bit challenging, and very exhausting (I will blame the daughter in lieu of an aberrant blood test). Here's to tomorrow being better!

Well I think I have made mention on here before that I thought I may have been anemic, because I was so tired, lethargic, freezing cold all the time, and generally out of it.

Last night I measured my hair circumference to see how it was doing (one of my hobbies is growing my hair down to my knees and learning elaborate updos, so I check the length and thickness from time to time) and I went from 4.5 inches of hair last year and over 4 inches in circumference in December, to just under 3.5 last night. I lost over half an inch in hair volume, after consistently measuring closer to 4.5 and even close to 5 most of my life. I have always had very thick, healthy hair and I noticed it seemed like my buns were a bit smaller, but I am horrified at just how much hair I have lost. That is NOT normal shedding at all, and given my battery of other symptoms I knew anemia was not the culprit.

I called my OB, alarmed by this new symptom, especially when hair retention is normal for pregnancy and certainly NOT hair loss, and they found my prenatal blood panels were perfect, no anemia or common deficiencies. The nurse also agreed with me on my tentative personal diagnosis - that all the symptoms are classic indicators of hypothyroidism.

It can be brought on during pregnancy and cause developmental issues in the baby if left untreated and severe enough, so I am having my blood tested specifically for a thyroid panel and an additional reactive test to see how much T4 is in my system at this time. A slightly low thyroid function isn't unusual for pregnancy, but to be this symptomatic I would probably be significantly deficient enough to require medication until it resolves on its' own (if it does).

Honestly, I am it glad to know I am not crazy and that these symptoms really ARE worse than in previous pregnancies, and not normal. I am really upset about my hair loss, it's about the only feature of my body I absolutely love and I already am dealing with shedding and crazy regrowth from Lilah's pregnancy... So I hope this IS hypothyroidism, if only because it is an ANSWER to what is wrong with me and easily treatable (and upon treatment my hairloss should stop, thank goodness).

If it is NOT hypothyroidism then I am stumped and will probably request a deeper metabolic panel - it is becoming debilitating, how sluggish and out of it I am, and the constant freezing body is interrupting my quality of life. I was so cold last night, in fact, it kept me from falling asleep for five hours. I am sitting in a 70 degree house in jeans, a long sleeved shirt, and still so cold I am almost shivering. Cold intolerance is a huge indicator for lagging metabolic function, which is essentially what hypothyroidism is, so it would be fabulous if that was indeed my issue and all my worst, most disruptive symptoms would be fixed.

Given these developments, I am under a bit of stress. The good news is that the baby looked fabulous upon analysis of the 1st trimester screening and NT test - healthy, normal, and at incredibly low risk for the most common genetic conditions. The OB also assured me that even a severely underactove thyroid would not affect the baby's development adversely in the beginning of pregnancy, which is why they removed a thyroid panel from their prenatal blood tests to begin with. Getting medicated would alleviate my symptoms, but it wouldn't benefit the baby much before the third trimester. The baby's thyroid should still develop normally even if mine is funky. The risks come toward the end of pregnancy, with blood pressure issues and preterm labor being the most common risks associated with hypothyroidism.

The lab happened to still have my blood from the prenatal panel last week, so they are running tests now and I should have a diagnosis by Wednesdau, before I leave town for two weeks. That way, if I am very deficient they should be able to get me a prescription for synthetic thyroid hormones before I leave (if need be).

At this point, it's just nice to know I am not being a hypochondriac and that hair loss like this indicates SOMETHING more is wrong with me than just normal pregnancy issues. This would be the easy answer - so I am praying I don't have to look for some other cause and that we pinpoint it in the first go-around.

In unrelated weight loss updates, my weight this morning was 212.4, but I am retaining dinner from last night, so I went with yesterday's weight that more accurately reflected my week's trend, which was 211.8. Not bad, not bad. I have had a resurgence of nausea and food aversions these past two days, so eating is becoming challenging again, but I am just doing the best I can. Exhaustion and lethargy have prevented me from moving ad much as I'd like (nice to know this may be chemical, not just a lack of will) but I will still set out to do my walking DVDs every day and evaluate how I feel as I go along.

My eating has been healthy and within the 1900-2000 calorie range most days, with some higher days on Ladies Craft Night (think knitting and junk food!) and a date night with my husband (which was sorely needed), but I am still happy to be maintaining in fairly the same weight range this week. As long as I am being mindful of the quality of my nutrients and what my body is telling me regarding hunger, I am doing just fine. Food journaling is still necessary accountability, and gain or lose I know I am doing what I need to be doing and the weight will take care of itself.

If I find out about the thyroid panel before we fly out I'll post an update, otherwise I'll get to it when I next have Internet. We have a lot to do before we go (including the housesitting arrangements for the guinea pig and plant watering, mail gathering, etc) so wish me luck in getting it all done without too much physical drag!

Since my previous post was such a downer, how about a set of belly pictures? It just so happens that my first progress shot in the mid-240's was in this same top, which was a maternity shirt. It fits quite a bit better now, and was HANGING pre-pregnancy.

So without further ado - 12 week belly shots!

I pop out VERY early with this being my third healthy pregnancy and being short, on top of that. I was probably this size around 24 weeks with my first daughter, and it just keeps happening earlier every time.

To give some perspective, as I said in the album on the sidebar my prepregnancy underbust measurement was 39 inches, and my waist was around 41, so I had almost a straight line down my torso with just a little hip pooch. Now, not so much. Let's check out the view from the top, for more perspective:

I *used* to me able to see my toes, but it takes a bit more neck craning now!

And as a finale, let's see a non-pregnant Taryl in the same top, around 40-ish pounds ago:

It ain't pretty, but it's the truth. The top, even as a maternity top (a size 16 from JC Penney's maternity section) is too loose for me now, I only wear it around the house. It was hideously tight and unattractively at 246.7 pounds, but my non-maternity clothes were a good two sizes bigger. I have lost a good 6-8 inches off my waist, and another 6 off both my hips and underbust (bust stayed the same), and now the same top fits me completely differently. Even with a baby belly it is loose through the bust, hangs down my back, doesn't fit closely at my waist or anywhere else. In this last picture it looks like I was poured into it! Ick!

So for all the fellow losers who may read this blog let this be an encouragement. I am still fat, still morbidly obese for my height, and I lose VERY slowly. But even with a growing belly I still look 1000x better than I did at my higher weights. It IS worth it, it DOES show, and watching myself in maintenance through pregnancy will absolutely pay off in me NOT wearing my maternity clothes a year after my baby is born, this time around.

Baby bumps = cute, even on a fat girl. Back rolls and a Santa belly? That's only cute if you're two feet tall and six months old, and definitely NOT worth keeping around. I will calorie count over looking like I used to ANY DAY of the week!

Well I'll start this out with a confession - I did NOT get to do my walking yesterday, my evening was just too packed. Well, that, and somewhere after rolling out of bed my brain fell out of my head and I spent literally the entire day three steps behind whatever my body was actually doing. No particular reason for it, either, but I was dazed and exhausted. I barely got bread baked in the afternoon, and was late to my evening engagement (a bible study at a friend's home). It was not pretty, I am grateful to my long suffered husband for helping me and understanding his wife had been replaced with a mannequin with the reasoning capabilities of a mentally challenged midge fly.

Anyway, the night was further challenged when I set about locating a receipt for a fiber arts customer who I have been having LOADS of stressful shipping issues with, only to find it had literally disappeared into thin air. Not only is that problematic for HER to deal with the post office and lack a pdf of that receipt, but now MY records don't match for tax time, because I do not have proof I dropped that money on the postage between my bank records and my physical records file. It's maddening, and knowing I have to search all day for it and probably STILL won't find it is absolutely ruining my day, and it's barely started!

Then there's a longer standing situation of chiropractic and the HORRIDLY early appointments I have to schedule for my husband's convenience. I have been seeing a wonderful chiropractor three days a week for the past two weeks to help with my pregnancy-related back and hip problems. It's great.

What's not so great? The appointments are at 7:00 am. Peter drops me off, runs back home to stay with the sleeping kids, and then picks me up about 15-20 minutes later before going to work. In the meantime, I have to wake at 6:00 to get ready for them, and then go back to sleep (children willing!) once I get home. It wouldn't be such an issue except we have had such late nights (poor Peter) and those early mornings are KILLING me. I am getting so little sleep, not to mention it is throwing off my weight loss patterns, having to weigh much earlier in the day or after I have eaten something. It's just a mess.

The pain relief is worth it, sure, but it's a lot of days to wake three hours earlier than normal, whilst going to bed two hours LATER than intended.

All of this has added up to a no good, very bad day for me. Blargh. And it's just begun. Again.

*sigh*

Yesterday was a CRAZY early day with three separate medical appointments by the time I hit 10:30 am, and I usually weigh in at around 10:30-11:00 on an empty stomach, so knowing my weight was going to be funky I just didn't weigh in yesterday and instead used this morning's numbers as my benchmark for the week.

I am up .2 pounds to 212.2, which I am very happy with. I should have gained about 3-4 pounds of weight for a 'normal' pregnancy, so given my start weight I am right where I want to be and feeling pretty good.

My food aversions have, for the most part, tapered off. I am still having horrible cravings but they are mostly manageable, and am averaging around 2000 calories a day in food (which is also right around target).

Thank you for all the comments on my previous post about doing the Walk at Home DVDs. I am going to try to get them in this afternoon (which may be tough, as I have an event I need to prepare for this evening) and will try them barefoot to see if it is quieter. Sock feet don't work because I slip on the wood, and unfortunately I am pretty sure I went to shoes to begin with because my feet were really bothering me with that much pounding (I usually exercise barefoot at home, this is the only thing I use shoes for). I have very flat feet and still struggle with foot pain in my right foot from some sort of stress injury I got while walking last year, and even in shoes my feet don't like the pounding of walking 3-5 fast miles on a wooden floor, let alone with NO impact absorption or support for my overpronation. That said, I am still going to give it a shot and see if it is a workable solution.

In other good news, I had my nuchal translucency scan yesterday, and the baby looks great! Everything is measuring right on, my risk is extremely low for the tested-for genetic disorders, and I had a GREAT sonographer that let us see the baby and various measurements for over a half hour.

I am also, consequently, in my second trimester now! WOOHOO! This pregnancy has dragged for some reason, so I am happy to see a definitive time marker finally pass by, with a healthy baby to boot!

This week will find me continuing on this maintenance merry-go-round and making sure I am eating well and moving a bit. My hips and lower back are really bothering me (darn that relaxin hormone!) so I am just listening to my body, but I think my goals are easily attainable. The test will come in the next week, where I am stuck on a two week vacation. Not overindulging while stressed out, traveling, and constantly eating higher calorie food than my normal fare, will be quite a challenge. As with every other trip I've had, I will just do the best I can, but good thoughts for self control and accountability will be appreciated :)

Well, the end of the stationary bike, anyway!

I did indeed cycle yesterday and avoid a nap, and did 10.2 miles, to boot! The cycling, itself, felt great.

The problem? I had an achy, sore belly and cramps most of the evening, in addition to lower back pain. The angle the recumbent bike puts me at, plus my knees hitting my (ever-expanding) belly, is just too much now. If it is causing pain, it needs to stop until I am no longer pregnant (especially if one considers that I am essentially kneeing my offspring in the head every rotation of the peddles!).

So for now, I am shelving all cycling. I am pretty unhappy about it, as it was my main source of quiet exercise in this house, but you have to do what's necessary to remain healthy, and this is ceasing to be beneficial if it is causing me problems with my pelvis or uterus.

Feeling a need to move again today, I decided to take out some dusty Leslie Sansone dvds and walk a few miles, regardless of how uncomfortable my current footwear is (see previous posts :). I walked three miles at a 5 mph pace in about the same period of time I cycle 10 miles (40 minutes) and burned more calories doing it. Other than some initial muscles protesting it was fairly comfortable.

The problem with this, and why I shelved them temporarily, to begin with? I work out during my kids' naps, and though it may be coincidental, my youngest woke up halfway through my workout (and two HOURS early from her nap). We have wooden floors, and even with blankets hung to dampen sound and an exercise mat down, my feet still pound during these exercises, and I am afraid the noise of that is what woke her up. It is unacceptable for me to wake either girl from their naps, and not really possible to work out in a comfortable way outside with them at this time of the year. So I am stuck in a MAJOR quandary.

I did not think it sounded very loud to my ears, but by all evidence (an awake baby, which is terrible for the rest of the evening) I must have been pounding. It may have been a fluke, but she NEVER wakes up this early from her nap, and so it's hard to conclude it was anything but the noise from my feet that woke her.

So what do I do? I cannot do this while they are awake, as the downstairs is their only real play area and that is where I must work out. They will get stomped and constantly interrupt if I do this when they are awake, but it is interrupting their sleep. I am stumped, and more than a little annoyed. My only other 'solution' would be walking on a treadmill instead of on our floor, but that is just not financially feasible for me right now.

It's the end of the bike and a rough restart to walking, I'm highly frustrated at no apparent solution and it is important I keep moving throughout the pregnancy. I may just have to choose to walk close to the end of their nap (not ideal) and let it wake them up, but hearing them talk over the monitor or knowing they're awake in their cribs stresses me out and makes me itch for the workout to end. For now, I think I'll try again tomorrow or the next day I am ready to work out and see if they wake again, and decide my course of action from there.

Ah, hump day.

If only hubby and I can get over today, the rest of the week will fly. But it has been a very stressful and unproductive few days and I know we are both looking forward to the refreshment of the weekend (even though we are sans babysitters for Saturday :( ).

Today has been exhausting and blah for no reason at all, to the point where I actually dozed on the couch while my kids watched an hour of cartoons. Now, I NEVER fall asleep with them playing, they tend to get into too much trouble, so that is a fairly big red flag for me. I got about seven hours of sleep last night which is pretty good, but all day I have been freezing cold and exhausted. Heck, I turned the fireplace on until the room got to 75, and I was still almost shivering with cold.

On that note, I will be entirely unsurprised if I am anemic during this pregnancy, all signs point to a lack of iron. For now, I am eating my meat, beans, and green leafies and hoping for the best.

I just put my kids down for a nap with the full intention of taking one myself, but you know what? I changed my mind. I am going to do 40 minutes on the stationary bike first. After that, if I am still tired (which I am sure I will be) I'll lay down, but it's the perfect time to exercise and that may well improve both my mood and my energy level, and it will get my blood pumping as well.

Off to beat some endorphins out of my brain, whether it wants to give them up or not!

Not much to say this week, I'm just plugging along. My weigh ins were between 211.6 and 212.0 the whole week, so I definitely lost real weight after the 213-214 weigh ins of weeks previously, and 'gained' a little this week as the baby has grown more (though today, Tuesday, finds me back at 211.6).

I am finding myself a little hungry some days, to the point where I am needing more calories than I have been allotting, so like all things during this journey I adjust as needed to be satisfied. I am a firm believer that if you are GENUINELY hungry and feeding your body quality nutrients it is better to go by what your system is telling you, than try to 'legislate' your body's reactions with an artificial system (calorie counting). Things continue to look good here, with mild and tolerable pregnancy symptoms, decent energy most days, and no discernible increase in size beyond my belly :)

This week I'm going to focus on moving more, I will likely be breaking out my Leslie Sansone dvds again to see if they wake my kids up during their nap, as walking may be easier on my hips and belly than the stationary bike. On our Michigan trip in a little under two weeks I will be looking for a good athletic shoe store and will purchase a pair of walking/cross training shoes to work out in, because as of right now I have nothing that fits my feet comfortably but my Keen street shoes, and those are TOTALLY worn out.

It's a little hard to getting my feet going when there's nothing to put on them!

Hmm, anything else I am missing? Oh yeah! This week I am also focusing on my scheduling and home organization again, as I feel that has gone really lax over the past few months and needs to be tightened up again as spring approaches. I know we need a solid system in place before the next kid comes, or things will be chaos, so it is better to get used to the system now than try and enact it with a new variable in place.

Wish me luck and have a healthy week, everyone!

I may be too white and preppy to use that particular colloquialism (especially when I use words like colloquialism, which universally stamp me across the forehead as "GEEK"), but I earned it today!

So after being sick and feeling sluggish, with this day as no particular exception, I got my rear up onto my bike and spent 40 minutes pounding away while listening to joyous, energetic music. I did 10.5 miles and kept my heart nice and steady between 130-140 BPM.

And what illicited the gleefully whooped title?

I broke 400 miles on my stationary bike - 406.5, to be precise. OOOOHH SNAP!

*ahem* It was a good evening. Off to contemplate dinner and criticize some American Idols :)

... or so the ultrasound would have you believe!

Yes indeed, I am thrilled to report that all looked good and the OB's office actually had an ultrasound machine on site to confirm dating. The baby was measuring about ten weeks and a few days, and my calculations had me right at ten weeks, so all was spot on. The heartbeat was 184, which is quite fast, especially compared to Callie and Lilah who both had heartrates in the 130-140 range at this age. I do believe this made it more real for my husband, at least, when he actually saw the baby wiggling around in a pre-birth imitation of 'the potty dance', and it was a great visit.

I will be going for a genetic screening in two weeks which will entail bloodwork and an ultrasound, and then my next appointment isn't for a month. I am just HIGHLY relieved that the baby was healthy, growing, and that there was only ONE! *whew*

The ANP I visited with was NOT a fan of me losing weight during the pregnancy and wanted to see me gain a bit instead, I just nodded and smiled with the full intention of doing what I was planning from the start. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. But I can be full AND healthy on around 2000 calories of bulky, fibrous food and protein. As long as my body isn't demanding more, I will keep right on doing what I am doing. I will also run my plan by the actual OB at my next appointment and see if his opinion differs.

Either way, all went well. Blood pressure was 120/79 I think, and my weight on THEIR scale was 215.0 (eek!) but I know that was food, clothes, and a difference in measuring instruments. I will have to go get stabbed for my general prenatal panel blood work offsite, as they do not have their own lab, and I plan on doing that the day I am next in the area (my ultrasound in two weeks).

On an aside, I am happy to report that today has been a HIGHLY productive day of sorting through the piles of junk and baby clothes in our spare bedroom and space-bagging things to condense, as well as reorganizing and throwing out piles of trash. We just keep shifting boxes and loose bits from room to room while we remodel and the mess has about driven me NUTS. Organizing today, scrubbing and vacuuming tomorrow, if all goes according to plan.

Wish me luck and have a great week, all!

Well this morning finds me a happy gal, at 211.6! That is right about my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am happy to see my dedication to NOT overdoing it is paying off and my digestive system is moving again.

I did fail mightily on exercise this past week but for a good reason - I had that head cold, right? Well it morphed into a severe upper sinus infection and the worst migraine I have had in years. Three days of intense throbbing, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, and motion issues. What's worse, nothing would TOUCH the pain. I finally went into an urgent care center yesterday and was prescribed antibiotics to combat the bacterial sinusitis, but he couldn't give me anything for my head other than to tell me to persist in taking tylenol as directed. Unfortunately I'd been doing that for days with no abatement of pain.

Thankfully this morning I am feeling a bit better. My sinuses still hurt but sometime in the middle of last night my migraine went away.

Today is my first OB appointment, wish me luck! I am really hoping they'll let me see the baby to verify the health (and number) of the occupant(s?), but I am not holding my breath. I will ask for a referral for me and DH to pay out of pocket for an earlier scan if the 20 week is the only one offered. I am happy to be going in there with my weight down and health reasonably up, and can only hope this positive trend continues. I am MUCH less anxious for this appointment, having heard the heartbeat already over the doppler, but it will be nice to be 'formally' pregnant with regular checks now, instead of just hanging around at home with a bunch of peesticks, having the whole thing feel slightly surreal.

I do hope to get back to more exercising this week and continue my weight loss efforts, and am interested to hear what the nurse has to say about how I should be eating. Having lost weight through two other pregnancies and had exceptionally healthy babies I *may* take her advice with a grain of salt if it contradicts what I know works well for me, but I am interested to hear her opinion nonetheless. There's something very gratifying about having medical staff constantly expecting 'fat girl' complications out of you, and then having them eat their words when your body and pregnancy and healthier than many of their skinny patients.

MWAHAHAHAHAAA! Evil of me, I know, but if everyone is going to assume I am obese and unhealthy, I must get my kicks where I can. I think Dr. Bell's charts from Lilah's birth had my weight at the time (around 270, at 39 weeks pregnant), so I eagerly waiting to see if anything is mentioned about my loss.

Anyway, another week goes by, and as always there is progress and pitfalls, but I remain dedicated regardless of the circumstance. I will confess to having a TON of anxiety about my eating on this upcoming trip for two weeks in April, as I have worked SO hard to get back down, but it is in the Lord's hands and I will just try and make the best choices I can, given the circumstances surrounding our eating on the trip.

I'll check in later this afternoon if anything interesting arises from this appointment, and other than that I'll see you folks later this week!

... on so many counts!

Well unfortunately my nausea and food aversions are back full swing, and it's pretty miserable.

Then there was the scale this morning, that registered 212.0 despite having eaten the same yesterday as every other day this week, and being fairly well hydrated.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my children are actively trying to shorten their lifespans by throwing crazy tantrums at the drop of a hat during the day and into the evening? Yeah, they must not have gotten the memo that mommy's patience is on the short side these days.

Either way, all's well that end's well. The scale was down, I am able to eat healthfully most of the day, with the exception of meat. My kids are healthy and happy when they're not fighting over toys. This week is almost over.

Yeah, it's one of *those* days.

See you Monday for another weigh-in, I hope the low trend will persist but I am not holding my breath!

Well, this has been a frustrating week, weight-wise, and I am still definitely struggling with trying to come to peace with the fact that my body WILL be gaining no matter what I do, short of a very serious diet effort (which am not willing to undertake while pregnant - I'll accept weight loss, but only if it involves eating healthy food in satisfying quantities... no deprivation while trying to grow a person!).

The scale has been ads high as 216 and as low as 213.6... the lower end is still on the high side for how much weight I should be losing, based on calorie totals, which means that I am gaining genuine baby mass now. The kid is about the size of a large green olive and my uterus has swelled significantly with amniotic fluid, placenta, and said baby. I can feel it about halfway to my belly button already, which is definitely measuring on the large size for this gestational age.

So this, I suppose, is like a REAL taste of maintenance. I have to know that I am doing everything right and trust that the weight on the scale isn't because I am miscounting my calories, but because I am gaining lean mass, as it were, in the form of another person. The scale is fluctuating fairly reliably within a 213-214 pound radius most days, and I think it is a given at this point that this will be my lowest pregnancy weight, and it's up up up from here.

Some days I think I am okay with that, and other days I feel really disheartened by it. I won't stop weighing daily, it gives me some great clues as to what is going on with my metabolism and I know that often my weight spikes are only related to the dinner I can FEEL moving sluggishly through my system... but since I have been in weight loss mode for about 18 months, it is tough to settle into a different pattern while still being vigilant of my diet and exercise.

I admit, part of me still really wants to post a loss, or 'begin' this pregnancy around 210... I still feel like the vacation weight isn't coming off, so I am just adding to unnecessary poundage. It is fairly irrational, but there it is: I am still annoyed I had to fly down south and end up in food situations where I couldn't really track my calories as I like. I am a creature of habit, and those routine disruptions (and another on to come in April!) really bug me.

Still, I know what I have to do, and even by the strictest weight charts my gains in the first trimester are in the average-to-below-average range. Gaining four-ish pounds in ten weeks is not bad, according to those charts, and that comforts me a bit since I know some of that gain could have been avoided (thereby meaning my actual pregnancy gain is lower, which could signal that I will be able to manage gains in this pregnancy like I did in my last two). But I will say, being AWARE of my habits has made things a lot more stressful than the first two times around. I just ate what I wanted and lost weight... but now I am INCAPABLE of just eating and not thinking about the nutritional impact of the food on my body. In some ways, that is fabulous - its awfully hard to backslide up the scale in any significant way when you are naturally conscious of your hunger, how and when to satisfy it, and with what foods to do it with. I suppose the rub comes when you know you're doing everything right, and the creep up the scale is to be observed, but not *dealt with* as it would have been before pregnancy.

* * * *

All weight related angst aside, I actually have had a very good week with the pregnancy. As I mentioned before I am definitely showing, my uterus is quite high in my abdomen for this spot in the pregnancy and it has pushed a lot of other organs out of the way. Maternity clothes are a must at this point!

My symptoms have been mild, with just a few severe waves. I do, unfortunately, have a headcold, but hopefully it won't hang around too long.

The best thing that happened this week? I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, FINALLY! I have a doppler from the previous two pregnancies and have been checking for a heartbeat for over a week, but had no luck. Finally, on Monday, I pushed the probe much HIGHER than I had been previously checking, and within moments found a strong, fast, beautiful baby heartbeat that left me MUCH reassured as to the health of this pregnancy. I was pretty shocked to find it up so high, as my uterus should still be behind my pelvic bone at this stage in the pregnancy, but it was a good three inches higher. There's a few causes for that, the most likely being that my previous kiddos have stretched out the gym for this one, so it is easier for the n00b to expand that muscle than it was for them.

Either way, a heartbeat was exactly what I hoped to find. It lessens my chances for miscarrying dramatically, and made me feel much better about making a general pregnancy announcement to the few friends who haven't yet heard.

My appointment is next monday, and I do hope it goes well. In the meantime, I know I just need to watch the scale but not obsess and do my best to stay active and nourished, without worrying about what numbers may pop up. At this point I do think baby gain will mostly cancel out any calorie deficits on the scale, but I am comforted knowing those deficits WILL show after birth, and that having maintained my good habits will make losing baby weight after birth much more simple.

Onward I go!

I am fairly thrilled for the weekend, for a number of reasons.

First, my husband was out of town on a work related inspection trip, and he will be coming home this afternoon.

Second, I have some stuff to get done for our church's VBS, and this is a good time to do them.

It also is a perfect time to lose the remaining vacation weight, which wasn't very bad this time. I weighed in at 213 when I left and was 213.8 this morning, so considering the amount of eating out I had to do I'd say that's a fairly easy gain to bounce back from. I've just been focusing on getting my fruits and veggies in, and the rest is taking care of itself.

Unfortunately this weekend it sounds like we still won't have our grandparent babysitters available to watch the kids, so still no reschedule has occurred for our missed Valentines plans, but that's okay. We're boring parents, but a Saturday is still better than a weekday when my husband is around to assist more with the kids. He's a very good dad, and has been a phenomenal husband to me through each pregnancy.

Speaking of pregnancy, other than crazy fatigue and the occasional wave of nausea, I've been feeling pretty good lately. The sickies have definitely tapered off and for the most part I am able to eat without crazy food aversions. My bigger issue right now is that halfway into eating something, like broccoli last night or grapefruit the day before, all the sudden the food will trip the gag reflex/aversion button and taking one more bite will send me over the edge into vomiting. It's very random and not something I remember experiencing, but I cannot load up on bland/unblended produce without this occasionally happening. If it is more than fresh or lightly steamed, like in a soup or smoothies, I am okay, but something about fresher preparations is harder to palate these days. Bitter seems more bitter, green tastes astringent, sweet can be cloying. So while it seems I have mostly conquered complete food aversion (except to ham and turkey) I still have to be very aware of upper limits on certain foods. I can't seem to veggie load like I used to - where I'd swallow something that I didn't much love the taste of (like kale) but would eat a portion because it was good for me. Now, I'd try to eat kale and the very thought of a vegetable like that will send my stomach churning half the time.

So it's not perfect, but it's better than it was during, say, the Superbowl. The nausea comes and goes, as does other symptoms, but by and large I'