General

Hey all! I'm not dead, not off any bandwagon, and thankfully not too busy either! Life's just been chugging along, and I wanted to take the opportunity to share something else with you that is important in my life - child training and biblical parenting.

I won't give too many details other than to say that diligence in this area is more of a struggle than diligence in anything else, for me, including weightloss and fitness. Being consistent and faithful in my discipline of the kids, for their sake, is about the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. Fortunately for me, the Bible is all about parenting and families, and there are lot a of wise parents that have come before me who were thoughtful enough to write down the details of their parenting and the scripture behind it.

So in the interest of sharing, I want to give you all one resource that has been an amazing blessing to many Christian families, and one I am studying through myself: Raising Godly Tomatoes.

It's as wonderful a starting point as any for establishing consistent, Godly discipline of your children, and the more peaceful home that results :)

In minor weight related news, it went up again. Yup, I know, shock, right? Details in the sidebar. I can't complain too much, since the little human is gaining about an ounce a day. Only 2-6 weeks left, depending on how is all goes!

She won the primary last night, with 47% of the vote. Her competitors had 25% and 27% or so, respectively. We were all jubilant that the hard work paid off.

Unfortunately this means the work continues until November, for the general, but it was a great confidence booster to a neck and neck, stressful campaign. And for my husband and I, at least, most of our work has already been done to get things rolling for the primary, so the general should (we hope!) just be maintaining the website, adding donations, and a few events, instead of months of prep work we have already done.

My daughter's appointment went well, she is perfectly healthy and in the middle of both growth curves, still. She was understandably angry at the nice nurse betraying her trust and stabbing her in the thighs with needles ;)

My appointment also went quite well, about as I expected. Blood pressure was good, weight was a half pound gain of baby per week, as expected at this point. Baby boy was head down (for the time being) and the next appointment in two weeks will include an ultrasound to verify his position and possibly an external version, if he hasn't settled head down by then. My doctor WON'T advise a breech vaginal birth, as they tend to have poorer outcomes for the babies, on top of my already slightly-riskier VBAC, so we really need him vertex (head down) for the birth to proceed as we would like. I will be doing positioning exercises and more chiropractic to try and encourage my pelvis to balance and ohm to settle as well, but my dr. says he is unconcerned about him being breech and thinks he will settle just fine, given that he hasn't chosen to stay malpositioned over the past few weeks but just keeps changing. He isn't a stubborn breech or transverse baby, so that should indicate he is more amenable to behaving himself in the proper position or staying there if we manually move him :)

My weight this morning was 223.2, keeping with the steady, steady, steady, JUMP! pattern my weight seems to like to stay with during pregnancy. Everything else is fine.

And now commences one of the busiest weeks of my year. Tomorrow, alone, is Lilah's 2 year checkup, my OB appointment, and the primary for state senate. Oy vey!

Part of the reason for my current bloggy silence is busyness, and not MY busyness, per se, but my mother in law's busyness that drafts us into service. She is running for state senate and my husband is her treasurer and webmaster, I help along with smaller tasks like her mailers, absentee lists, etc etc. The primary is next Tuesday, so right around the bend, and it is a close, very heated race among two of the three Republicans. Even if I wasn't related to her, I'd think she was a very strong, conservative candidate and knowing first hand how much incredible work she has put into this just makes it all the more impressive. She was on our local PBD show 'Running' last night, giving her introduction and a quick question/answer round with her fellow politicians (that got quite heated, it was amusing), and tonight we will all attend a candidate forum locally to see her hash it out with them again. That forum is the first one in this part of her district in years and years, if that gives you an idea of how unusually contentious this race is!

I will be thrilled when the primary is over (moreso if she wins!) because this has been a huge time draw for the whole family, just out of the necessity of things needing to be done. She also has the vehicle we will be bequeathed (a Suburban) post-primary so we can fit three carseats, and I don't get it until she is done using it is a campaign billboard ;). She will also be more available to help with the children if/when I go into labor, and the general election will send more funds her way for a lot less legwork if she gets the nomination from the primary process. Basically we get a lot of benefits, as a family and her individually, with a lot less stress. So be thinking good thoughts for us over the next week as things stay busy and a bit tense, and any/all good Super Tuesday vibes for her are much appreciated.

On a different topic, weight! This has been a pattern throat the pregnancy, and one I find very interesting indeed. My weight seems to be in a pattern of 'steady, steady, steady, JUMP!', with the jumps corresponding to a big increase in fundal height/belly size. My weight really leapt up from 219-220 to 223, and other than the VBS bump and correction it has stayed within the same general range for each day. The general trend upward has only been about 13 pounds this whole pregnancy, and I am almost at the end, so I am thrilled about that. But it SEEMS like I have gained a lot more, because I gain a bunch so quickly and then it levels out for a month or so. It has been a frustrating thing to see, making me second guess my eating habits when I see it leap, but now it really seems to be the trend line I am on and independent (mostly) of day to day consumption. My calories have been on the high side of what I want, but my overall gain is still very low for this point in pregnancy and I do think I will have held steady when all is said and done, post-baby.

This is just another benefit of logging food and weight during pregnancy - I still have accountability, but moreover, I have a log showing my body's response to the internal workings and external stimuli I give it. I am confident and comfortable with my gains because they aren't random pigouts, but a very consistent pattern that my unique body and baby grow at. I also understand how my activity and sleep patterns are affecting my daily totals, and it helps me see if something starts going really funky, like edema, because it WILL show up in my daily log. For my health, the logging has been great. It hasn't prevented me from eating a lot of ice-cream, but it DOES keep me accountable to measure me portion ;). And while it won't stop the normal gain of a growing human, it will give me a solid diagnostic tool for this pregnancy, and comparing pregnancies down the road. There are very few situations in life where less information is preferable to more, and weight is no exception. It could condemn me or stress me if I let it, but instead I am just viewing it for the tool it is and happy to have a logical pattern emerge from several months of confusing data!

This week find me feeling about the same as last, at 223.4, and about as comfortable as a heavily pregnant woman can get. My activity has stayed about where I want it, or maybe a little on the low side, as my husband has been volunteering to do a lot of the standing and kitchen work when he is home (wonderful man, that one!). So I got a nice, fairly relaxing weekend and didn't contract abnormally more than I have been. My eating has been, well, eating, and it's all being written down. I am still within the 2000-2300 range most days, though this would be lower if I didn't include a dessert in the evening.

I can't feel too guilty about it, it's portioned out and planned for... plus the taste washes away the last remnants of 'not broccoli!' guilt I may feel. Hot chocolate just tastes extra special with a dose or hormones ;)

My goals for this upcoming week remain largely the same - do a good job at basic stuff, don't stress over extras, and get some baby things together. I think it will work out just fine :)

I met with my doula on Tuesday, the same day I had my 32 week OB appointment and my first chiropractic in two months. She is as lovely as ever and I am very much looking forward to her attending me during labor. Her rates have gone up in the past two years (she was bargain basement cheap before, and now she is charging more of what is standard) which we weren't counting on, but she gives all repeat clients the opportunity to pay at the rate their first birth was OR pay her new rate (which is double). This is such a blessing for us, we have no qualms about paying her what she is currently charging but our finances have been tight lately and if, for some reason additional funds don't come through, having the chance to still use her at a rate we can afford is wonderful. At this point, barring unforeseen catastrophe, we'll pay her the current advertised rate. She's worth every penny for the help she gives me in labor!

The OB appointment went well enough. Our little stinker was breech, as I'd suspected he'd been for about a week, but they won't be concerned about positioning until about 36-37 weeks, when they'll begin discussing things like an external version to turn him. Fortunately for me he seems to have turned back yesterday with some coaxing, and I am pretty sure his feet are once again firmly lodged in my ribs. Yay?

My blood pressure was solid at 120/78, his heartrate was beautiful. Unfortunately for my heartburn and hips my fundal height (uterine size) is measuring in at 37 weeks, or full term. That is over a MONTH ahead of where it should be measuring, and a little jump in relative size from last month's appointment. I always measure a week or two ahead during pregnancy, but five is a bit excessive. However he is moving and seemingly in perfect health, so I am just bracing myself for him to be squishier and chunkier than his sisters by a pound or two. They were 8 lbs 14 oz and 8 lbs 4 oz, respectively, at 42 and 40 weeks gestation, and I would not be surprised if he was well over 9 lbs on his due date (unless he comes early). I like chunky newborns, they are less fragile feeling and generally tolerate the first few weeks better than their younger, lighter, less mature counterparts. I'll take a little longer stretch between feeding for pushing out a bigger baby, thanks!

So despite being 32 weeks, my body is essentially at full term. This makes me feel a bit better about feeling SO pregnant and 'done', in terms of physical side effects I am! I would love for him to bake to 37-38 weeks, minimum, as much as another month or so sounds SO far off, but I will be a little surprised if he comes post-date, like his sisters. The downward pressure, alone, I hope will precipitate a timely labor. It's wishful thinking on my part and I am fully prepared to go to 41-42 weeks before any talk of inductions, but a little earlier wouldn't bother me at all ;) My doula will be out of town from my 39-40 week stretch at a conference, so I would have to be seen by her backup doula, and that further incentivizes going the second or third week of September as opposed to the end of the month. We'll see, as with all things God has a plan for this, too!

We posted my car for sale on Craigslist and have had lots of interest but people keep flaking out on viewing/testing it. Any good thoughts you could send our way to sell that sucker would be appreciated, and also insure my doula gets her full due. Other than that, this week is just ticking by the same as ever. My health and weight are not on the forefront of my mind, but they are automatic in the periphery of life. I don't think about weighing each morning and recording it, I just 'do'. I don't debate whether to log my meals, it's automatic. In fact, it is jarring when I am in a situation where it isn't convenient to do so, because I've been doing it so long now! While I am eager to get started on moving and weightloss post baby, to try and make my year-end goal of 189.0 for our insurance switch, I'm also feeling okay right where I am. I am pumped to get healthy, but unless something catastrophic happens I can honestly say I am pretty proud of myself for how I have maintained throughout this pregnancy. I didn't take the easy way out and 'eat for two' without caring or counting, and I made a concerted effort to keep up my activity until it wasn't prudent to do so anymore.

Effort and attention to my health is the best I can ask for, and I am where I need to be. That's enough for the time being :)

Little late on this, sorry everyone! My weight this week has been predominantly in the 222.8-223.2 range, which is holding steady for the time being. Activity has been low, as is normal for me now, given that I contract at a moment's notice. I've mostly been able to maintain my same household cleaning schedule, though I have been fudging the schedule just a bit on the before-breakfast routine and after-dinner routine, I am still functioning about where I need to be to get things done, which is the best I could hope for right now.

I seem to be suffering from a condition called irritable uterus (syndrome), which accounts for all my braxton hicks and contractions while standing. It is linked with a higher chance of preterm labor but doesn't cause it, in and of itself. Basically any downward pressure or stretch of the muscle/exertion causes it to clamp down like a giant charlie horse, or go into real contraction patterns. There isn't any cure and no known cause, while it can be treated with muscle relaxants and tocolytics, those all have side effects. Since these contractions don't seem to be dilating me at all (I am effacing a bit and very soft, but still at my same dilation) those treatments would be overkill and unnecessary, unless labor were actually gearing up. So the only other treatment is self-imposed bedrest when they kick up and generally staying off my feet.

For exercise purposes this is a bummer, but when I go an hour on the couch with only a minor braxton hick contraction here and there, and then move to stand up and have a real contraction that lasts over a minute, my desire to exercise understandably dwindles ;)

My only real goal for the remainder of this pregnancy is to stick to my eating plan (I've been doing well on this), get more protein, and try to continue with my basic household duties so my poor DH doesn't have to pick up the slack. For the time being, these all look like very realistic goals.

I admit, I have absolutely nothing of consequence to blog about that has to do with weight and health, but I did have some fun times that I can share.

My husband was gone fishing in Chitina with his best friend from Tuesday to Thursday, and I was alone with the kids. However when he came back I discovered they had limited out (caught as many as our family permits would allow) and we have the best salmon in the world (Copper River Reds) packing our freezer for the year. I think between his two trips we caught 65 salmon, which is 130 filets (we eat one filet per meal, as a family). The Lord really blessed us with a great provision of free meat for the year and it will be a help in lowering our grocery bill. It was also good for Peter to get some time with his friend, who he rarely sees because he and his wife live in Fairbanks.

That evening, we went to a picnic for the local Republican Party. My MIL had a booth there (her senate primary is in three weeks!) and the girls got the spend some time with her, which was fun. We also got Callie to ride a pony that was there, and she loved it! Now this is a kid who is afraid of puppies and bunnies, and refuses to pet any animal or even be close to them. She had to be OUTSIDE the fence of the petting zoo at the fair because the lambs were too scary for her. So for Callie to not only pet the pony but ride it was amazing and we were thrilled. There was photographic evidence and everything :)

The same picnic had a raffle for a few prizes, that both of us (hubby and I) entered in, and I wasn't listening when the prizes were called. Mind you, I never win ANYTHING, so I rarely even bother entering these things and wouldn't have done this one, were it not for Peter asking me to. Well, imagine my surprise when my FIL came up to me and told me they were looking for me, because I had won the $500 grand prize in the drawing! I was thrilled and surprised, and given that our finances have been extremely tight and we have baby/kid things that need purchasing with no way to do so, it was a wonderful and completely unexpected blessing for us. There had to have been over 500 people in the raffle, so the fact that I was drawn for the biggest of the prizes was great. This has enabled us to get our remaining baby items soon, and pay for new big girl bunk beds for the girls (so we can use one of the cribs for the new baby when he is out of our bed). The whole thing was fabulous and really made my week!

Today we were out pricing out these bunk beds and I am pretty sure we decided that Peter can build a better set with much better materials, for the cost of buying one. Tonight we will be calculating the amount and types of lumber we will need to make this and make our final decisions on how feasible it is for us. After we hit the furniture stores and the lumber yard, we went out for a nice dinner and a movie before coming home to the girls (who were babysat by the grandparents). It was the first out-of-the-house date we have had in months and I really enjoyed the whole thing. The movie was actually great (we were shocked), and it was so nice to really get out and spend some time together before another nursing baby comes along!

We have lots to do tonight for the aforementioned primary for Grandma, as well as me brining up some of the salmon in preparation for smoking it tomorrow, so it's been a busy day, but overall I've had so much fun this week and the whole thing has been refreshing for DH and me. I'm still contracting, quite uncomfortable, and less than patient these days, but things are just plugging along around here.

And that's my weekend wrap-up, see you Monday for a weigh in!

It's been a rough week, very busy and not with the best food. I was the snack coordinator for my church's Vacation Bible School this year (as I have been for three years running) and it is a lot of hours both at the church during the day and back again for evening prep. I have been on my feet running around for literally six or more hours each day, taking sandwiches when I can and trying not to contract too much.

My weight, coincidentally, has skyrocketed this week something ridiculous. Some of it is genuine gain, I am absolutely HUGE right now, but given the swelling in my face and legs I can only assume a good amount of it is water retention from sore muscles, salt, stress, what have you. The VBS is certainly fun, but I have arguably the most physically demanding job in it, and this pregnancy is not treating me well at this point. I am thrilled it is over and have the next few days to try and get back on track with sleep, food, chores, and everything else that took a major back seat the past six days.

I'm exhausted. The blogging has taken quite a back seat when I can't barely find time to check my email!

Let's just get the weight thing out of the way (weigh?): I was at 221.8 this morning, after being at 219.6 Saturday. The reason for the jump? I was in the hospital yesterday, being pumped full of fluids!

Oh yes indeed, after being almost sure that staying at church yesterday morning would equal a Taryl on the floor, I had my husband take me home in the middle of service. I was dizzy, breaking out in cold sweats, couldn't catch my breath even though I was sitting and barely moving, and yet my heart rate was very low. This has happened before when I try to sing hymns, the combo of standing AND singing generally commands more air than I can get at this point in the pregnancy, but this is the first time it wouldn't go away. So at home I gave the OB triage nurse a call and she told me to come in.

Cue monitoring!

I got in around 11:30, if I recall, and couldn't leave until 4:00. My poor kids were good the whole time despite being late for their nap. Basically they took a strip on the baby, who was moving a shocking amount, and on me, who was moving less but in essentially perfect metabolic health. Heart rate was 60-63 BPM on average, blood pressure was 114/75, no signs of a UTI, ketones, etc etc. The ONLY thing that was off was my blood sugar, which was at something like 72, on the fairly low side of normal. I had eaten breakfast that morning, so the nurses advised me that the awful symptoms I was feeling could very well be a hypoglycemic response, and thus i had to be fairly strict about eating every two hours. I was also so dehydrated (despite drinking water) that it took three tries to get the IV into me for fluids and two tries for a blood draw. I felt like a pincushion, and the entire thing was extremely unpleasant. But after two bags of IV fluids I was indeed feeling much better. So the lesson for the day, apparently, is that church does a number on my eating schedule AND I drink less water there than at home!

My health is good, the baby is fine, and the scale is showing some water retention and poor eating choices from the evening (after a healthy dinner I ended up mindlessly munching on a bunch of junk, somewhat out of stress/exhaustion). I was mad at myself for eating without being very hungry and not controlling my intake better, but today is another day and I am committed to eating as on plan as ever. The stress and pain of yesterday is behind me, today is a GOOD day, and the scale? It'll take care of itself.

As for me, I have some water and protein to snarf, so I'm on my way :)

I am glad it was nothing more serious, but I hope this doesn't mean my blood sugar isn't regulating well. I still havent heard back on my glucose tests so I will assume no news is good news, but I need to give them a call and schedule an appointment to update them on what happened yesterday.

Well, it was entirely uneventful. I am still up just under ten pounds for the whole pregnancy, though still measuring hugely ahead at 33 weeks (relative) fundal height. It didn't jump significantly from last appointment's size, so they aren't concerned, but I definitely wonder if he is going to be a bigger baby than his sisters or just pees a lot of amniotic fluid :)

My blood pressure was stellar at 120/70, and my glucose test was uneventful (no dizziness or nausea). I should get the results of my sugars in the next few days, with any luck, but I am not too worriedly. If I could pass at 50 pounds heavier and a lot junkier eating, I'd be intensely surprised to NOT pass when I am in such better health. Age does increase insulin resistance during pregnancy, but with baby #3 I am STILL younger than many women are with baby #1, these days! Thus I don't think age will be a factor until I am well over 30.

Let's see, they didn't have anything epic to say about the intense pelvic pain and pressure other than that it sounded like really bad round ligament pain, coupled with the pelvic symphisis dysfunction I already knew I had (get it every single pregnancy). Her only recommendation was pelvic support from a girdle, so I'll be looking into that. A sweet friend offered hers to me and I'll give that a shot first, and if that doesn't fit I may have to bite the bullet and go get fitted for one at the pharmacy. We'll see, but I am both relieved that its no major issue and bummed that there's no solution. Her advice was to not exercise if it was hurting, she wasn't concerned about my weight gain or health enough to recommend that exercise was more important than rest.

If I feel good and want to move I will, otherwise I have official permission to loaf around on the couch :)

Nothing more to tell. I have another appointment on August 8th and then I go every two weeks for a month, before my appointments move to once weekly. Not too much longer to go now!

Well this will all be very boring, but that's okay! My weight this morning was 219.6, which I am happy about, after some food *cough*pizza*cough* kept it higher with sodium for three days. I was in a parade at our local fair this past Saturday and was thankfully driving the vehicle instead of marching out in front, because there was no WAY I could have walked at that speed and distance without pain (fast walk for over a mile, with hills, darting back and forth to either side of the road to hand out candy and fliers). As it was, my husband and I walked through the fair to look for some lunch afterward and I almost couldn't make it. I had to stop every few steps to try and get the tightness and pain to subside. It wasn't full on contractions, but the ligaments in my pelvis as well as my poor, useless abs protested the whole time. We walked VERY slowly but it was quite a painful and intense chore.

In light of that and my last exercise attempt, I do think that I may try to do a few videos but I am not going to keep persisting through pain. If I have a day where I feel great and the exercise isn't hurting I'll do it, but right now I just have NO abdominal support or strength, and my hips are a mess. I am really sad too, that our budget right now has disallowed continued chiropractic visits, because my pelvis is definitely slipping out of alignment and causing more pain.

My eating has been fine, my target calories, without exercise, are at around 1980 right now, and that is for a pound-a-week loss. I generally overeat those by about 250-500 calories, depending on my hunger and food choices, and I figure that's fine as well. I am essentially maintaining on the food front and the scale will do whatever it wants. Some days I eat more, some days I eat less, I am generally feeling strong and satisfied at the end of the day and so I will continue on in this eating pattern until postpartum makes me re-evaluate my plan, based on my hunger and weight loss goals.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow with the midwife of the practice and I will be bringing up my pain during exercise and general discomfort. I have had a huge, tight, swelling feeling lately, and I think our son had a massive growth spurt to have pushed my uterus so high, so fast, but I want to double check it isn't something amiss. Either way there has been a TON of pressure and general discomfort that comes with being huge and getting bigger, and that is definitely limiting what I feel I can do. For now I am focusing on keeping up with my daily schedule, more or less, and trying to fight my nightowl tendencies to get enough rest. Unless the midwife encourages me otherwise, I will probably shelve exercise again, unless it is necessary or feels okay to do. The ligament pain is just intense and not something probably worth enduring at this point.

Every pregnancy I say I will look into belly support and every pregnancy I don't do it, despite needing it. Maybe it's finally REALLY necessary now! I see what I can find in the way of pregnancy girdles/belts that may help my back a bit. I really appreciate all input and comments on the subject of exercise, and I think my conclusion, especially after this weekend, is that the benefits of exercise right now probably don't outweigh the disadvantages of the strain it is putting on me. So I will try to maintain my daily activities, sans intentional exercise, and hope that keeps me in decent enough shape to be flexible and resilient for birth.

I'll report in after my OB appointment is anything is interesting :)

I'm actually stumped here, dearest Internet.

I really can't figure out if I should be exercising or not.

The walking is not exacerbating my pelvic symphisis issues at all, those actually seem to improve/abate for a bit after working out, but my belly is really painful for the walking and that has NOT been abating through the course of the exercise, it actually gets worse. Imagine two Charlie horses in the front of your hips that draw tighter and tighter the more you move. Sharp, burning pain. That is round ligament pain, during pregnancy, except usually it is just a twinge from a funky movement and goes away. Unfortunately it seems through the course of my twenty minutes working out that it just persists.

It is excruciating, but I really enjoy the exercise overall, I just can't seem to get a handle on those ligaments. With how short I am my belly gets huge and pendulous fast, and that puts a strain on those ligaments as they bear much more weight. Walking is a shock to those shock absorbers, and every step hurts when they decide to act up.

Now, as to where I am torn (figuratively, not literally thank goodness!), round ligament pain is USUALLY harmless, if really, really, uncomfortable. It isn't a sign something is 'wrong' and while pregnancy is the time to take it easy and not overdo it, I can't figure out if the muscular, cardiovascular, and energy benefits of moving outweigh the disadvantages of this pain. I don't know if it is something I should head or push through, because it is a common pain and not indicative of a problem with my body like a contraction would be.

I've had a few contractions working out as well, and you CANNOT mark or walk through those! I definitely have to pause and wait for them to pass before moving again. It's nothing regular or too strong so those don't worry me, but nonetheless I am really struggling with finding a light activity to do that won't cause me pain.

I need to verify but I am pretty sure I have an OB appointment next Wednesday (for my 28 week check and glucose test) and I will bring it up then. In the meantime, I am honestly stumped - the more active one is during pregnancy the better labor usually goes, the faster the recovery, the better positioned the baby, etc etc. I honestly have no clue where the equation gets tipped and one does more harm than good by moving, especially when the pain signal is explainable and not related to preterm labor. I have honestly never been very active during a pregnancy, I am a couch slug, and walking has generally been very painful at the end of each pregnancy. But this time I WANT to move and I am not sure if I should. What do I do?

As promised, here is a shot of how I look today, at 219.8 and 27 weeks pregnant, so about six-ish months and nine pounds heavier than where I started. My bathroom lighting is absolutely awful in this shot, but oh well!

My underbust is smaller than prepregnancy by about an inch, and my belly is measuring several weeks ahead. And yes, I have carried every single pregnancy very high, which makes me look like I have swallowed a beach ball. On the upside, I am happy that I definitely look pregnant, as opposed to just fat! Our son should be weighing in at a little over two pounds and fifteen inches long. He is flipping around like crazy and has very obvious sleeping and waking cycles (usually the opposite of me, of course ;) ).

I have always thought looking and being pregnant agreed with me, I honestly love it, even with the aches and pains. Given the size of family we want, it's a good thing I like all of this!

If you would like proof that I am not actually bald, there's a hastily snapped progress shot WITH hair in my album. I just dropped it out of the updo, so it's not combed, but it does indeed exist!

Off to go workout now :)

Well, my weight is up slightly this week, to 219.8. I feel pretty good and haven't had any major contracting episodes. I will be trying to work in a mile of Walk Away the Pounds as well, after lunch time today, so wish me luck!

My eating has been pretty good. I'm still splurging a bit here and there (those evil M&Ms are ALMOST gone, thanks to feeding them liberally to my kids and in a more measured fashion to myself) but really not doing anything crazy. In fact I am really quite proud of myself for staying pretty much on plan when I have a million excuses not to!

I am officially in my third trimester now, as counted by my OB (27 weeks), so new belly pictures will be coming. I look pretty good, if I do say so, myself!

As always, I am hoping I am losing some weight through my slight calorie restriction during pregnancy, but if I end up at around 210 after a few weeks postpartum (to let the swelling and water retention settle) I'll be a happy girl as well. Maintaining is what I've been aiming for, and hopefully that is what I'll achieve.

Off to another healthy week!

Well I did manage to get off my lazy butt for the first time in over a month to do a structured workout and used one mile of a Leslie Sansone DVD. I definitely couldn't throw myself into it, I couldn't lift my leg high enough without pain and just felt way too unstable moving frenetically. So I dialed it back to maybe a 6-7 on the 10 point scale of effort and managed to do the warmup and mile with no serious issues.

Beginning it, I had a lot of pain and twinges on my right side, which I know was round ligament pain. It almost feels like a stitch in your side from running, but it is deeper, lower, and in the front of the hip, not above it. That hurt, but it did subside and only certain movements caused it. I also contended with pubic symphisis pain from overly relaxed ligaments holding my pelvic girdle together. Basically it feels like a hot poker being shoved into your hip or pubic zone from the bottom up. It is a shooting, burning pain I've had the joy of contending with every pregnancy, I doubt it will go away in the future as it has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with hormones and my own physiology.

That is ever present, whether I am laying down, walking, whatever. If I lift my leg it hurts, when I sit it hurts. It's life, and not a pain that will be better or worse if I baby it. So I pushed through that as well, and surprisingly, as my joints got warmer and my alignment got better (my muscles pulled my skeleton back together, I think ;) ) eve that pubic pain stopped a bit, which is AMAZING! So yeah, it wasn't as easy at it was prepregnancy, and I didn't exert myself as much as I used to, but I still got a lightly elevated heart rate, a good stretch, and warmer muscles and joints. Warming them up did indeed help the daily aches subside just a smudge (at least here in the immediate after), so I consider the whole prospect a win.

Given that it didn't make me contract at all or aggravate anything I can think of, I will make a more concerted effort to do a mile a day until my body says 'stop' again. Even with how pooped out and sore I am, this did seem to help me out, so I think any movement I can do will benefit me at this point,

My lazy side is pouting at this revelation, but the rest of me feels pretty darn good ;)

Well my weight has been all over the place these past two weeks but it seems to be settling after another jump again. My belly is also huge, so I'll forgive the scale any indiscretions against me ;)

From Friday to this Wednesday my weights were: 220.0, 219.8, 221.0, 221.2, 221.4, 219.4, and today's weight was 220.4. No particular reason for any of these, just fluctuations of food, sodium, baby pee, who knows. It can be maddening, but overall I think I can say finished this month up by about three pounds, and most of it will fall off in another few months.

Onto fun stuff! I will be doing another belly picture in two weeks, when I hit the third trimester, but I happen to have a preview of it since a dear friend of mine threw a birthday party for herself with a fabulous henna artist and I got some arm work done. She posed me very nicely for the shot and both the henna AND belly look pretty awesome, if I do say so myself :)

The glitter only lasted for a day as it was just a pretty filler, and the dark brown henna flaked off to reveal the orangey/brown stain that is still very dark, even four days later. It was a good batch of henna.

Here's a picture of me with my friend Deanna (left) and the birthday girl Elizabeth (middle), who also happens to be the owner of these photos:

Consequently, you think I'd realize after so many obnoxiously bald-looking pictures that having my hair in buns for pictures just isn't all that flattering on someone who is round like me. Another more weight related realization of these shots is that, though I have arguably gained ten pounds now (at 26.5 weeks pregnant) it really isn't in my face or anywhere else but my belly, that I can see. My face looks about the same as it did in my prepregnancy pictures, with no major bloat. And since I show ALL my weight and water retention in my chin(s) this gives me additional comfort that this weight will completely or mostly drop off post-birth. I just keep having to do MY part and watch that if I AM hungrier than my daily calories, I am eating healthier than not.

My hips are killing me, as they do by this point every pregnancy (it keeps getting a few weeks earlier, but I blame that on my body settling into pregnancy earlier each time), and so even rolling over in bed or lifting my leg to get up another stair is stabbing pelvic pain. Even if I was trying to exercise each day (which I haven't been), I honestly don't know if I could do it. At this point I can barely sit on a normal couch, it bugs my back and hips so much. So I have been confined mostly to a stability ball for a chair and standing. My plans for exercise have thus essentially been shelved. If I get an urge and feel good I may do it, but right now it's just too much to bother with.

My only concern with shelving the exercise is that I can already tell I am losing some muscle tone, and I NEED that muscle tone for an easier birth. So right now I need to seriously weigh the mental priority of going easy on myself vs. forcing myself to do SOME exercise and try to maintain tone in my legs, back, and abs. Birth is harder than a race in a lot of respects, and going into it without some training is asking for problems (as I have experienced in the past). So I can't quite decide if I should make a serious effort to overcome this pain and my laziness or keep taking it easy. I can persist in my normal household duties for the most part, needing more sleep now, but I am hesitant to exert myself any more.

I continue to mull over this and other things. In the meantime, I'm just plodding along in stasis, eating the same and watching the scale slowly move up (or rather, stay stay JUMP, stay stay JUMP). I am probably eating 2200-2400 calories most days, as I am not eating SUPER healthy (some higher fat foods and desserts) and have been hungrier. But for the most part 80% of my eating is quality and I am writing it all down. I will need to tighten back up for weight loss mode post-baby, but for now I am enjoying a higher calorie, more lax way of eating without any inexplicable gains :)

Happy Summer Solstice, everyone! It's a pretty special day here in Alaska, given how crazy our daylight situation is. It will stay bright enough outside tonight that you can read a book outside without any additional light on it. We've had rainy, overcast, cooler weather for almost the entire past month, but today is beautiful and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. This makes for a much brighter solstice, indeed!

As for my weight, I am down from the past two days to 218.8, which is still high, but oh well. I don't think I'll be able to make my mental goal of keeping my weight out of the 220's during this pregnancy, but it is still less than 9 pounds of gain, so I can't complain too much. I'm back on track with my eating today and doing very well, except for some general fatigue and not moving around much. I just haven't been feeling it, to tell the truth, and especially with my tiredness and contracting, at this point I am considering any movement a total bonus.

Melynda asked a question on a previous entry and it is a good one! For calorie counters, like me, how do we estimate our daily calorie needs? Well, basically you begin with some theoretical metabolic calculations from your age, weight, frame, and activity level. There are formulas to do this, and dozens of online calculators to help. Then, once you figure out your Basal Metabolic Rate (how much you burn just laying in bed all day) you adjust your caloric intake to have a net loss at the end of your day, which means you are burning calories and thus losing weight.

For me, I use the calculator on my iphone App called Loseit, which estimates my maintenance calories to be around 2300 a day, and thus I can cut that amount to see varying levels of weight loss. Currently I am eating at around 2000-2200 calories a day and gaining very slowly, but likely just baby weight. I should actually be losing fat. Pre-baby I could eat 1600-1800 calories a day and lose a pound or so per week.

Basically you are your own science experiment. The calculators are just a starting point, but basically you pick a calorie amount, measure and track your food calories and exercise expenditures, and see how you lose on that amount. That is where a weight log like the one I posted in the The Chart comes in handy. After a few weeks of weighing in daily it will tell you exactly how many calories you are in excess or shortage of from daily maintenance. So if you are in calorie deficit of 410 per day, you would be losing right around or slightly under a pound a week. You can then choose to raise or lower your calories depending on the results you want to see. Logging your caloric intake AND weight is really the best way to see how your body reacts to what you are eating.

My daily routine to track my weight is just to log my weight after using the bathroom in the morning, usually with no extra clothes on. I enter that into my weight log. Then throughout the day I measure my food (some things I weigh/measure strictly, like peanut butter, while other foods, like fruits and veggies, I just loosely measure) and log what I eat into my Loseit app and aim for around 2000 calories a day. Lately I have been eating over that amount if I am hungry for more, but this is more of a maintenance/intuitive eating time for me than if I was in active weightloss mode.

I hope that answers the question. You can actually modify your diet without any calculators at all, but you have to then be extra vigilant on tracking your food intake to get a precise number. Raise or lower it as needed until you see results you want, and give it a good month or two before changing to a different amount, to give your body plenty of time to react.

I had a rough, long, boring, stressful day today. It started early and has ended late, and I ate fairly badly for dessert tonight. I'll give my basic menu today, in the interest of full disclose.

Breakfast was some granola (homemade) and nonfat plain yogurt.

Lunch was carrots, an apple, a peach, and some leftover homemade pizza from last night. This was eaten at a six hour conference in place of the meal they served (which was overpriced and not that tasty, anyway).

Dinner was what my Inlaws served. I had a slice of block Parmesan for a snack. The main event was some hamburger and bratwurst with no buns, corn, some baked beans, grilled onion, and a small serving of rhubarb cobbler.

This wasn't bad, I was within or close to my daily calorie estimates, as far as I could tell. Deciphering the calories in my MIL's cooking is tricky, but she is a health nut and all the food was good quality and not laden with fat.

The problem came about when I got home from this day. I made my DH a cake for father's day and didn't use as much discretion as normal when cooking. I was still very full from dinner, but I WANTED cake batter and frosting. So I ate some, and maybe a 1/4 cup serving of peanut m&ms as well. But the cake was very rich - devils food cake with penuche fudge frosting - and I was physiologically full to begin with. I only had a small sliver of cake, an inch by two inches from my 9x13 pan, and a cup (literally) of milk. I was satisfied with that amount, I got a taste and was good.

But the previous junky foodfest hit my stomach and now I feel icky full, as often happens to me later in pregnancy (my uterus is mere inches from my sternum now, very squished stomach as a result). So while my eating was maybe 500 calories over my budget, maybe more, I feel MUCH worse than I would otherwise because of the lack of room. I feel like I ate a house instead of a few spoonfuls of frosting and a half cup of cake batter. It wasn't much of a binge, but it feels like it.

To learn from this, I do feel a little guilty, but I know beating myself up over one evening's worth of bad food, when the rest of the day was planned, is silly and pointless. I knew what I was doing when I did it, and it definitely was naughty and not very healthy. It also wasn't very satisfying. This does just reinforce why I usually eat moderately and enjoy some desserts but don't let myself go overboard. Some foods are tough for me, and brownie batter/chocolate cake batter/any cookie dough are at the top of the 'I have no control!' list. But I did only eat a sliver of the finished cake, with little desire for more over the next few days. It's simply too sweet and rich. And the batter is now out of my house, not to return any time soon. And my husband and kids will enjoy is treat without me feeling very tempted at all.

I can't shake my disappointment in my slip, especially since I usually do very well, and having the scale climbing up has made being vigilant a little more difficult than normal (its just the way pregnancy goes!). So I think my plan it to remember is feeling of icky over-fullness, the sweetness that is more sickly than tasty to me, and the fact that even a few counted and measured slices of homemade pizza sit in my belly just fine provided I have eaten a lot of fiber and not OVEReaten on the richer foods. A little goes a long way, and this just reminds me how much I need to listen to my fullness cues and not overeat. It just isn't a pleasant thing to do.

So I have fessed up to a bad evening. My game plan, as always, despite any guilt I may feel, is to get right back on the horse tomorrow morning with a healthy breakfast, a solid lunch, and a very light dinner (those seems to be the combo that helps me avoid heartburn the best in the evenings). The scale may go way up due to sugar and salt, as well as sleep deprivation lately. But what the scale does doesn't need to affect my health or responses to my situation. As o have said countless times, I control my eating, and the scale will go where it may. Overeating during pregnancy, especially, is NOT worth it, and if the scale does go up, I am committed to that reason NOT being my lack of healthy habits of vigilance over what goes in my mouth.

I am by no means a diet Nazi, but there is just next to no payoff to indulging in the things I did tonight. I know why I did it - stress, exhaustion, availability, and a handy excuse of a holiday for my sweets-loving husband. But none of those are good enough reasons to feed that empty junk to my body and overstuff myself to the point of discomfort. So onward I go from tonight, and tomorrow morning will be just as it usually is - healthy and on plan. We all slip and fall, but the real strength is in getting back up.

So it has been spoken of on here before, but I will reiterate it again: I am a daily weigher. I do this so I can chart exactly how my body responds to food and exercise, as well as things like pregnancy and vacations. And those things - both pregnancy and vacations - have laid themselves out in fine form on the last six months of my chart. Behold!

This is the data from my weights from the middle of December to today. The gray line is the actual data, the red line is the overall adjusted trend of what those numbers actually DID. The flat parts of the line indicate times I was away from the scale for vacations. January and February's flat lines were the trips to California for my Grandmothers' funerals, the long flat portion in April was the trip to Michigan to visit my husband's family and friends.

There is a clear pattern demonstrated by these events - I have a flat line (vacation), followed by high spiking weights (sodium, water retention from travel, stress), and then a gradual downward trend to a stable weight for a few weeks or months until the next vacation, or a slight upward trend when I started gaining some baby weight.

Why I am showing you these charts, or explaining my weight patterns to you?

Well, for starters, a lot of people in the weight loss blogosphere would see such a chart and point out the massive fluctuations, the gains, the returns to normal, the overall NOT loss pattern of it. They would be horrified if this were their personal chart, it looks that bad. The graph doesn't lie, I gained weight overall, even with the corrections after travel.

But that isn't what I see. For starters, this is a pregnancy, and a HEALTHY pregnancy. Yes, I have gained weight, but even with the initial shock of the jagged daily inputs and the condemning upward trail of the bright red line (kind of reminds you of a teacher's grading pen, doesn't it?), we must assess the data as a whole, and that is an exercise is self acceptance, understanding, and knowledge of one's body AND habits. It is a marvelous thing to behold, and EXPLAINABLE!

No gain is unexplained in the journal notes that go along with these weights. There were the trips, dates with my husband, salty soups, any number of workout routines tried, a few mornings of constipation, and any number of normal water weight fluctuations that go along with being a human being.

Then there's the overall trend, which looks pretty bad without the margins, but let's take it in context of the units measured. I went up approximately seven pounds from my low pre-pregnancy weight (210-211) to today (216-217). That was over the course of SIX months. I managed to eat reasonably enough that I have only gained .18 pounds per week. Less than a FIFTH of a pound per WEEK of gestation. The daily calorie excess isn't even accurate, as it cannot account for the fact that I am growing a human being, with all the assorted biological sundry along with it (placenta, amniotic fluid, our son's own rapidly gaining mass). I started this segment of my weight journey, post Christmas holiday season, with a good weight (just barely dipping below 210) and a small bunch of growing and dividing cells. Now I am here, six months heavier, with a two pound, 14 inch baby inside, a slimmer face, fuller bust, rounder hips, and a whole BUCKETFUL more knowledge about myself and my weight loss than I had when I began.

Along the red trend line, what you don't see, is that I have essentially maintained or even LOST excess weight while still keeping a healthy set of habits and a reasonably healthy lifestyle. I have faithfully logged my weight and food and kept up on my healthy habits without ANY real scale payback. God has blessed me with, not only my wonderful unborn son, but a trial period of weight maintenance and habit development that will bless me for the rest of my life. I have LEARNED how to be a maintainer, before the heartbreak and confusion of getting to a goal weight and then having to figure out what is next. Through this chart that is GAINING despite my healthiest habits and efforts, I have learned to make peace with my body and what *I* need to do to both manage my weight AND live my life in balance.

For me, daily weighing has been invaluable, both through pregnancy and before. It has taught me what my body does and why, how I respond to the stimuli and input (food) I experience, how I lose and what is a real issue (the red trend line going up when I am in losing mode) and what is just my body functioning as it should (PMS bloat, excess water weight that will subside, pregnancy gains, etc). I have been able to take random numbers generated from the scale and create data I can USE to understand how I function best, and what I need to do to see the scale go down, up, AND stay fairly even. I have had that entire scope of experience in the past six months, and I am better because of it.

This chart isn't failure, it is empowerment. It has taken power away from the scale and given it to ME, by helping me understand what the numbers mean and what to expect from my routine, instead of me sitting on the scale Monday morning and praying things turn out the way I want them to. With that trend line I can see if my eating genuinely has me headed for a gain and correct it BEFORE the pounds pile on, as much as I can see when I have a sodium spike that is nothing to freak out about. I also have learned how to keep the whole thing in perspective, and that the number on the scale doesn't reflect my worth as a person or EVEN my success as a dieter. Its' going up with the baby has made it necessary for me to divorce habits I KNOW are good from a scale that, without context, would indicate failure. I can be content and healthy without needing the validation of dropping weight. I will NOT yo yo diet and get frustrated by maintenance because my perspective has been shifted to a very different outlook. I have been moved beyond scale dependence, because I know what the numbers do and don't mean.

So for me, I am absolutely proud of the numbers in my sidebar, and proud of this chart. I am not ashamed by the spikes after junk food, vacations, or what have you, and not perplexed over why it went down one week and up another. Daily weight tracking has been absolutely crucial to my success as a dieter, because it has given me the perspective I need to do this for the rest of my life.

Is this something that might be suitable for YOU? We don't all fall pregnant along our weight loss journeys, but daily data gives us more information to work with and a more accurate picture of what our bodies are doing than weekly weights. It might be just the ticket you need to help you move past perpetual diet mode and into the mindset of a maintainer. If you would like to start your own chart, this is one of many resources that can help you do it: The Hacker's Diet Log.

How often do you weigh and what made you choose that frequency?

Appointment went well.  My blood pressure is great at 110/75, baby boy was kicking up a storm and moving to the point that Dr. Bell couldn't even tell what position he was in, because he kept changing it :)

I am up 4-6 pounds at 24 weeks, depending on what scale and time of day the weight is taken, which is great news.  Unfortunately I am too wiped out to do much exercising right now and even the slightest walking or lifting has been making me contract. I am not on bedrest, but the doctor does want me to take it easy.  Oh, and I am not crazy after all, my fundal height is measuring in at 29 weeks instead of 24, so the early heartburn issues make a little more sense.

If I start contracting again like I did this weekend I am supposed to head into the OB triage at the hospital to be checked out. This just goes to show how different every pregnancy is, I had NO preterm issues with the girls!

So yup, I think that is the bulk of the news.  My next appointment marks my third trimester, nasty glucose test, and the home stretch of this thing! It does look like my exercise schedule may be on permanent hiatus for the remainder of this, if walking around a grocery store makes me contract! I am still cleaning and running the house at my normal level without issue, so my NEAT is fairly high. My concentration right now is still on tightening up the eating side of things again. I have been craving protein like crazy, and given that my weight jumped AND my uterus measurement jumped, I think that protein was to facilitate a baby growth spurt. I am getting enough protein and fruit, but vegetables have been a sad, sorry affair. Fortunately, it is a fixable problem!

All in all, I am very happy with how this pregnancy is progressing. I will post another belly picture in the next few weeks to show how round a short gal like me gets during pregnancy, as well as a face shot update to boost my self esteem and show off my hard work in making my hair healthier too. I think I need some vanity sessions, to distract myself from the constant struggle of accepting a rising scale no matter WHAT I am eating :)

Take care, everyone! 

Okay everyone, this is just a quick note - I had some ouchie contractions this weekend and have been generally exhausted and somewhat sore from our son laying transverse in my pelvis, so that has hampered a lot of additional activity, but I did weigh in at 216.8 this morning, which may be a bit high considering the sodium in my dinners the past two nights!

I have an OB appointment this afternoon I am getting ready for right now, so if anything eventful happens there I'll update you. I am also 24 weeks today, which is the cusp of viability, should our son be born early. YAY! In other baby related news, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant with her 4th (second with him), I just found out a few minutes ago, and a friend of mine from church is pregnant with her 3rd. Congratulations to all the pregnant mamas!

Word to the wise - before your weekly weigh-in it isn't the best idea to load up on sodium and carbohydrates. No, really it isn't. Because it WILL make you retain water and generally do wicked things to the scale.

Yesterday was a BAD food day. Not out of control, but not super healthy choices either. I gave in and ate what my husband makes the kids for Sunday breakfast - pancakes and eggs (I added the protein in for myself, he didn't make them any). Lunch was a beef soup (healthy but still salty), nectarine, and some lava cake (carbs and deliciousness, though only about 300 calories a serving). Dinner was sushi with lots of soy sauce and some unsweetened iced tea. Not a terrible day, no binges, but over my calorie preferences AND full of things that do not make the scale respond kindly.

But as with all things, I am far from beating myself up over this. As a daily weigher I could predict what this would do to me - I went from averaging in the mid 216's with baby weight bloated up to 218.0 with all of those water-retaining nutrients this morning. I know I didn't gain two pounds this week and tomorrow will likely see me back to my normal slow up-trending pattern, but there was definitely a rueful chuckle as I stepped on the scale this morning!

Though I have been sapped of energy lately, I am absolutely planning on doing a short workout this afternoon. I need to keep my base muscle tone up to help me with this birth, and slacking on moving isn't going to help me in the long run. So I will still be taking it easy, but vacation time is OVER right now, when it comes to my health! I am still going to gain, that's a feature of pregnancy I can't avoid, but I need to maximize my health in the meantime, So, I'm working on it :)

How did all of you do this weekend? On plan or off the rails?

I ended up not going in to have my hand looked at, as it wasn't getting any worse. My body seems to have fought whatever nastiness was associated with the bite and the swelling is pretty much gone. The whole area still itches but it is definitely on the mend, which is great!

The scale has stuck at 216.4 for three days in a row, so I am assuming that, holiday or growing baby, that is my accurate weight. It is up about six pounds from my pre pregnancy estimate and up about three from what the doctor measured me at for ten weeks gestation, so I'm quite happy with that. I am still struggling with lethargy and not doing my exercise block but that's okay, I am really not feeling like pushing at myself right now and need rest instead. I could beat myself up over my lack of exercise, but honestly I am still doing a lot of standing and moving throughout the day, just not a lot of hard, intentional movement. I feel okay today but my husband will be coming home early for a church thing we have, so I will be using my exercise block of time to start early on dinner before we go.

I think it is important to remind myself that NONE of this is failure. I am healthy and fairly active, my body is handling pregnancy fatigue and aches very well, but it's not the time to push myself hard if my energy or joints aren't up to to it. I still want to do more, but my body isn't really up for it right now.

I've had a few splurgy treats for eating, but overall am doing fine on that and staying around my calorie budget. No serious weightloss has occurred, I don't think, but I am not gaining either. This is as good as I Dan ask for in the holding pattern that is the next few months. I don't know if I'll make 189 by January this year or not, since I will only have two months postpartum and that assumes no stitches or surgery to recover from, but I can't say this year was bad in terms of weight if I consider how much I'd have gained if I wasn't watching what I ate. Probably 250 and higher, I'm sure. So maintenance really has been a feat unto itself and I know I should be proud and not frustrated. Like I said, I just need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing and how far I have come, instead of frustration at a perceived 'lack of progress'.

It's all about progress and not perfect, after all :)

Excuse the lack of updates, it was sheer laziness on my part!

Things are going well enough here, though I have had a rougher time exercising this past week due to general busyness and exhaustion, but am trying to fix that this week (no success yet, and tonight will be no exception, sadly!). Eating has been okay, though still a little short of veggies most of the time. Several get-togethers this weekend upped my sodium and junk food totals a bit, so I was not surprised to weigh in on Sunday at 216.6, and Tuesday at 217. It's the nature of holiday food, it will go away soon enough :)

On Memorial Day I got a mosquito bite on my hand and it has only become worse, with my whole hand now swelling with cellulitis. So this afternoon my husband is coming home early to take me to the doctor and make sure I don't have what I think I have - which is a bacterial infection from the stupid bug. Worst case scenario I end up on antibiotics and my guts are unhappy for a week or two. Its better than having sepsis during pregnancy, thats for sure, and I will be glad for anything to take away the pain and tenderness of the whole top of my hand right now. It's obnoxious!

Let's see, anything else? I definitely can't wear anything but maternity gear now, outside the house at least. All my non-maternity shirt ride up embarrassingly. I also had to dig out a bra that was previously just a bit too big in the cups and make that my standard, because everything else was too tight and not supporting me anymore, especially since the bands became loose with weightloss. So I am in a 38-40J right now, which is massive, but I actually look slimmer and better shaped in a bra of the correct size, as they show off my waist and make everything sit where it is supposed to. They don't look huge under clothes, so I'll take what I can get ;)

Scheduling is still going well, with some flexibility thrown in for tired mornings and late night - I have, unfortunately, been skipping my morning bible study for some extra sleep, but I am hoping to resume it tomorrow. And on the scheduling note, I now I have to go clean bathrooms, so I'll leave it here.

How did all of YOU do with your Memorial Day eating? Was it stressful, fun, on plan, off plan, etc? I just madr sensible choices and enjoyed myself, and I honestly didn't bother tracking more than the basic calories as best I could approximate. I'm okay with that!

Get your vegetables, crazy lady!

Seriously self, I know you're staying within your calories, and protein is the MOST important when growing a human being, but the quality of the calories is at LEAST as important as the quantity of them. You're eating good, but cut out some treats and add back in some roughage, for the sake of your colon, if nothing else!

There is no excuse for being entirely on plan except for missing most fruit/veggie servings. I want to see ONE OF EACH AT *LEAST* every meal, six servings, minimum, per day. You're eating about four. Do better, because you KNOW you feel better when you do.

I'm doing my part, you hold up your end of the bargain.

Sincerely, Your Guts

Another week of not much to say, forgive my boring maintenance mode :)

This morning found me at 215.2, which is what I was bouncing back and forth to all week, when salt bloat subsided in waves. I exercised four of the five days of the week, and just got back from biking the kids to the park again today, with strength training this afternoon. Perhaps the biggest health side effect of maintaining my schedule is having no excuse to not exercise, as incidental exercise is booked in everyday at 11:00 (in the form of taking the kids down to the park on my bike or hanging with them in the yard) and intentional workout time everyday from 4-5:00. I usually spend the latter time either walking weighted miles with Walk Away The Pounds (Leslie Sansone) or strength training with resistance bands, and it feels GREAT. Then, just because I am pregnant and all, I even have an hour nap from 5-6:00 and if I am not tired then it is reading/knitting/DVD/bloggy time. All this, and I still get sections of the house cleaned daily, as well as laundry done, homeschooing, dinner prep and cleanup, and time with my husband. I am up and about SO much more, I cannot say enough about how great it is to be getting so much done. And obviously, I am burning a ton more calories as well.

The exercise (strength training, especially) has been key in keeping my weight down, I think, as well as upping my energy and lowering my hip and pelvic pain. When my muscles are stronger, my joints take less of a beating. Its just that simple.

I am currently reading an AMAZING book, New Rules of Lifting For Women, and cannot wait to begin strength training more vigorously, to build some real muscle and increase my fitness and daily calorie burn, I am active enough right now that I am seriously considering upping that exercise during pregnancy and seeing how my body handles it, but if all else fails I can just keep on walking and doing my resistance exercises and hopefully will be in good, strong shape for birth. I will confess that I have been feeling a real drive to move my fitness away from endurance exercises and into strength, given my personal goals and body composition I think I will get a lot more out of it in terms of fitness bang for my hourly buck, and I want to be a STRONG mama as these pounds drop, not just fat-skinny and weak. Especially given the health problems I do have, minor as they are, I know the key is in not taxing my tendons and joints but bolstering my musculature.

So that's what has been on my mind lately.

On a fairly unrelated side note, today marks 20 wells passed, so I am in my fifth month of pregnancy and approximately halfway through! Somehow, it has started RACING by instead of the creep of earlier this year. Hubby and I have also decided on a name for our son, though we're still testing it out mentally to see if it will stick. I am not sure at this point if I will share it before birth or not, but it is one we both like a lot.

Um... Am I forgetting anything? I have been giving into more fast food cravings than usual, but am just logging the calories and moving on. I am obviously not gaining from them, but I know they are not the best choices in terms of nutritional density. So my ongoing goal is to keep my junk food intake to a minimum and eat out only on my date night with my husband on Saturdays. It's not affecting my healthy eating the rest of the time, nor am I bingeing on it (I am satisfied on a LOT less food when eating out than I used to be!) but it's something I want to keep to a rare treat, as it has been for the past two years. I'm not worried, but that is where I am right now. Fit, energetic for the most part, productive, REproductive, and generally plugging along with my eating, food logging, and weight.

As always, nothing to complain about. Life keeps marching on and weight is only a background concern, for which I am VERY thankful!

So I am 24 today.

Honestly, I feel a lot older. Not in any bad way, I'm not jaded or tired, but I am at a very different place in my life that I thought I would be when I considered my future as a teen. And I am also in a very different place than most of my age-based peers. My circle of support, my social group, consists of a bunch of 30-45 year old married-with-kids, not weekend binge drinkers working on their masters or trying to navigate the job market and make their rent. It's hard to believe where life has taken me, but I wouldn't change a thing. Quite the contrary, it has turned out better than I could have ever planned it, myself. So a lovely family, amazing marriage, and fabulous daily life later, happy birthday to ME!

On weight related ramblings - I was 215.2 today, so my salt retention has tapered off nicely. And I am about 30 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year, YAY!

I had another great day of scheduling, and I've worked out five of my six scheduled days I was able to. I did mostly 1-2 mile walks with upper body weight work at the same time, and it has definitely been intense.  Not only that, but my NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis, google it kids!) is worlds higher than what it was, due to reducing my sitting time from several hours throughout the day to, literally, an hour of time while still awake.  I'm up and about constantly and it feels GOOD to be so on top of everything.  My calorie burn is much higher, though i cannot quantitate it with my daily weighing due to pregnancy adding pounds, I can FEEL the difference in my metabolism and my energy. I am more tired at the end of the day, and consequently sleep better too, but while I am awake I have an amazing amount of energy compared to how felt even a few months before the pregnancy, when I was about the same weight but much more sedentary and lazy. Activity breeds energy, as counterintuitive as it sounds, it's absolutely true!

So it's been a good year. A wonderful year. Filled with lots of challenges and lots of changes, and a fair share of heartbreak too. But that's the way life goes, and mine has been wonderfully blessed. I am invigorated for another year of life, healthier and stronger than ever before. I have so much to look forward to, and at this point my biggest struggle is just to take it all in with the amount of appreciation, humility, and thankfulness that so many blessings deserve.

Thank you Lord, for these days you have given me!

First off, let's get the basics out of the way. I exercised intentionally three times out of four days last week, and went outside/to the park each of those days as well. I weighed in at 215.8 Sunday morning, and was up two pounds this morning from a heavenly, but salty, pho soup last night. I still feel great.

Now, to the important and fun stuff:

We had our ultrasound this morning (and I only got four hours of sleep, so I am dying for a nap after this!) and everything looked great. The sonographer was able to get all the important angles and no visible problems were present. Great heart, kidneys, stomach, brain, spine, even down to a perfect palate and nasal bridge.

And the other thing that was present? A penis! Oh yes, we are indeed expecting our first SON, to add to our lovely daughters. I am over the moon with excitement that everything on him looked good, and that the pressure for producing a boy is now off for all future children. It really was a huge relief.

So my week is made. I had a fabulous 4th anniversary last Thursday and combination Mothers Day/Anniversary dinner on Saturday. I will be 24 in two days as well, and that should be fun. Everything has continued to go well as we adjust to the schedule (and to interruptions, like everyone waking up several hours early this morning), my food is pretty good (I need to focus on getting more veggies in again, though), and I am moving around more than I ever did, even when I am NOT intentionally exercising. All in all I am just so happy with how things are progressing, and thank God for all these blessings I've been given in a healthy body, healthy family, new baby, etc.

All in all, it's been a darn good week. Yay for sons!

Hey all :)

It was a good and healthy week, and after popping out visibly over the weekend I am also up to 215.8 (though at least smidge of that is sodium from some absolutely fabulous homemade popcorn). I feel good and look good, have stayed on plan very well. So why, you ask, would the blog title imply I am taking a little bit of an online break? Usually, in the world of weightless blogs, that means falling off the wagon big time.

Well for me, it's an indicator of wonderful success! Remember how I talked about trying to finish/establish my schedule, and needed to improve my home management? Well after a TON of prayer, the Lord really guided me through and helped me achieve that end, and I not only completed my schedule, but I actually implemented it for the first time today. And even more miraculous? I stuck to it like glue, without a ton of issues. It took a lot of prayer and some discipline, but it paid off in a very productive and smooth day for the entire family.

The schedule itself has literally been six months in the making, and actually writing it out, cutting out the pieces, praying over it and running it by my husband and then sticking it together and pinning it up on the wall... That took two hours over the weekend and all of my free time Monday afternoon. But it was totally worth it. I biked my kids down to the park, cleaned for an hour and forty minutes, and walked a weighted, aerobic mile with a Leslie Sansone DVD. I also got laundry folded, three meals made with complete cleanup, AND an hour nap. Heck, Callie even got a half hour of preschool in. It was a huge success, and I know it my heart this is what I have been needing to do for two years. I only regret that procrastination and sin kept me from completing it, but the Lord has been so faithful in answering my prayers in this area and I feel a complete sense of peace.

In addition to honoring and assisting my husband, spending more time daily in scripture and prayer, and being a better mother to my children, this schedule also gives me two times the daily exercise - with my kids AND a workout alone, during their nap. Food is about the last thing on my mind except during mealtimes, and I am having even LESS trouble sticking to my food plan than normal, given a more structured day.

Now, after all those good things, here is one more arguable good thing - my time during the day is being monopolized by much more important things than food and weightloss, or the Internet, I have scheduled computer time each day, but it is more limited than it used to be and in this forced maintenance mode I don't really benefit from a lot of blog involvement on my own little corner of the internet. I'm happy, things are going well, and spending more time away from the computer is a GOOD thing for me. So given these factors and my limited internet time, I will still do a basic weekly check in, but in general I will be updating less and have less to say for at least a little while. I feel really at peace with a less active presence online right now, and have cut out most websites I used to visit completely. The blog I follow, 3FC, and a few other select sites will still be on my daily visit list, but I just don't have a lot to say right now about life and weightloss.

Everything is good, and good makes for boring, repetitive blog topics unless you're a particularly committed blogger (trust me, I'm not!).

So I'm still here, every day, cheering you all on. I just have less to say right now. Life's uncomplicated and happy, I am blessed and have finally gotten the biggest 'issue' left untouched in my life under control and with great success. Like weight management, home management and my relationships with those I love are an ongoing process that I have to work on and succeed in daily. Right now I am feeling very called to focus on both of these, but I don't need to or have mental energy to expend recounting every boring detail online.

I still log my weight daily, I am exercising MORE than I have in four months, and I am more committed than ever, even in this maintenance, to do the very best I can. I am praying about this and feel very strongly that, right now, I am being led away from being online more than is essential. I did not want to get quieter online without an explanation, lest you all assume what *I* would, which is that this blog went the way of so many others and I fell off the wagon but was too ashamed to admit it, so I just disappeared. The reality is 100% the opposite, and I am very joyful for it.

I may do some blogging about the details of my schedule, and log my weekly exercise time in when I post my weight update for the week, but in lieu of greater details just assume that things are staying very much the same - comfortable, managed, and progressing very well indeed.

Praise the Lord - none of these wonderful changes in my life over the course of this journey are on my own power, its all grace and His faithfulness to me, in the end :)

Up on Sunday to 214.2, I'm really happy with that :).

I feel pretty good, look cute, and am keeping up with the kids without issue. Right now, however, I have to make dinner for said kids, and don't have much time to type. I forgot to weigh on Monday so Sunday will have to do, but overall I am eating on plan and having a steady, slow upward trend. If this holds, I'll gain around ten pounds during the pregnancy, and that is fabulous!

So yeah, weight is good, life is busy, time marches on. See ya later!

Fast little weight update - after suffering from the stomach flu and getting appreciably better by Tuesday (rough from Sunday to then) I suspected my weight was artificially low from vomiting and general dehydration. After all, it had been 215-ish for half of the previous week, once the major vacation/airport bloat settled.

However, it is now Friday and I can safely say that I DID manage to lose some weight from last week, to be sitting firmly in the 214-214.8 range, and I suspect my ease in doing this is related to diminished stomach capacity and a general boredom with eating when I am not hungry. I still hit the occasional emotional food moment where I have to brace myself (and do occasionally give in) as well as a pregnancy craving here or there, but overall I am sitting happily with logging my food and weight daily. I can honestly say I do not spend the time immediately after one meal considering the next, and am not fixated by food.

I've never been a binger, but this is still HUGE for me. All my life I have been preoccupied with eating - I LOVE food, for hunger, taste, emotional distress, enjoyment, rewards, you name it. And even upon buckling down and changing my lifestyle I still maintained a preoccupation with food, it just morphed a bit into a control game, instead of just self-indulgent mode. But something seems to have quietly, subtly mentally shifted, and I find myself mostly free from bondage to food.

Maybe it is that my goal has become more important, life has become too busy, or that my focus has shifted to other parts of my body than my weight. I am not eating fabulously, with some days having far less roughage than they should, but I am not eating everything in sight for any old reason either. I eat when I am hungry and generally stop when I am full but not overstuffed. I indulge in treats, but don't get out of control - a serving is generally enough. I practice moderation on almost all foods and nothing is off limits. I don't obsess over what I am eating or will eat. I log my food and weight with neutral emotions - no "Bad Taryl, you messed up!" or "Great job, the scale will show a loss for sure!".

Somewhere along this journey, I stopped being preoccupied with my diet and exercise because there was too much other stuff to do. Even if it is just vegging on the couch, avoiding a chore, I am not feeling the need to EAT as a diversion.

I suspect this is related to maintenance. Because I can't really focus on losing weight, I am essentially in a healthy holding pattern, my behaviors with food can be looser than when I am trying to lose weight. And unlike BEFORE I tried to change my habits and was 250-260 pounds, my default daily eating is healthy, serving-size appropriate, and pretty well balanced. I'm not winning any veggie-eating awards, but I'm doing just fine. So *now*, at least, in this superimposed maintenance mode, I am genuinely finding my focus doesn't HAVE to be on food, good or bad, for me to live my life without regaining. These habits are automatic for me, and they're kicking in without me even realizing it.

I also suspect that when the baby comes, my stomach volume increases HUGELY overnight again and I am being drained of calories via breastfeeding, that this will shift back into active weight loss mode and more focus will be back on food (as it has to be, at least temporarily, while trying to establish a different calorie intake again). And when I am actively trying to affect the scale I think it will be hard NOT to scrutinize and plan my meals more, it's all just part of changing a variable to achieve a lower weight.

But I am really comforted and thrilled with the fact that I don't have to be food focused forever to avoid a regain. Basic vigilance and preventative steps, in the form of tracking my calories and weight, are really all the tools I need to maintain at these levels. I imagine daily or reasonably regular activity will also factor into maintenance. But somehow, somewhere along this journey, a lifelong obsession with tasty eats became manageable WITHOUT excess. I still enjoy delicious food AND some junkier fare, but like a naturally skinny person, I seem to have achieved a balance that doesn't skew me towards gain OR loss. With a few simple steps each day I am managing to be 'normal' with my eating and not mentally fighting myself to stay on plan and focus on anything other than my next meal.

Rambly though it may be, this revelation elicits a hearty "yay!" from me! So here's to 214 and wherever else the scale goes right now. I'm doing just fine, looking forward to losing more in the future, and reestablishing this content, manageable maintenance mode in the future, at my goal weight :)

My weight today was 213.6, with some caveats.

I have been clocking around 215 for a few days, so I do believe that is more accurate. Somewhere along the lines I caught a stomach bug or food poisoning, and spent most of last night throwing up everything that had ever been in my stomach and fighting lower gastro issues as well. FUN! So I do think that, plus my aversion to eating ANYTHING right now, may have given me a slightly-lower-than-truly-representative weight this morning.

Still, I left for the vacation at 211 and am back at 213-215... It's two weeks of baby gain AND not logging my food, so I'll take it with a grin!

Given that I feel like absolute crap and have no energy to speak of (probably dehydration and a lack of fuel for the muscles) I am not planning on exercising today. That's okay - taking it easy and getting lots of rest will benefit my body far more than pushing too hard and causing myself injury or exhausting myself and delaying my healing from whatever is (making me miserable) ailing me.

Being sick sucks for sure, but there's always a silver lining to even the worst of days. Since I weighed in at OVER 220 when I got off the plane, I consider leveling out a few pounds higher than my previous weight to be quite nice, indeed.

How did YOU do this week?

Diane, over at Fit to the Finish, had a phenomenal blog post today that tied right into where I am with my fitness, I urge you to go check it out and be inspired both by her, and her commenters.

Tying into the comment I left there, here's my report of how my walking went yesterday afternoon:

I admit, my fitness goals are modest at best! My current lame, but achieved, goal was to not let my inability to keep using the exercise bike during pregnancy be an excuse to not move at all and sink into laziness. Especially after a two week disruption of routine, it would have been SO easy to just laze around and not get moving.

But I said I wanted to walk most days of the week and I meant it! I found some shoes, made some time, crossed my fingers that I wouldn't wake the kids and walked three miles at home. Given how prone to laziness and procrastination I am, this was a true victory. It isn't a 5k, it's not even leaving my home... But it is me, showing my commitment to myself and my will to continue to persevere.

It doesn't matter how many times I fall off the wagon, or how many excuses I give myself. It doesn't even matter how often I fail at the goals I set for myself. Every day is a new opportunity to try and do better, and I won't give up. This is a lifelong process and I am only 18 months into it, and more committed than ever. I AM succeeding, the weight is staying off, even without the gratification of seeing the scale drop or seeing sizes get smaller, I know in my heart I am staying the path through a difficult set of circumstances and I am PROUD of myself.

So I will walk again, and again, and again, because that is the promise I make myself. I won't fulfil it everyday, things will come up and I WILL fall into old habits now and again, but I will keep coming back every morning and renewing that promise to myself. I will keep trying again. I have been blessed with a spirit of joy and perseverence and through a lot of prayer and fastidious committment I will keep on the path set before me in this and other areas of my life.

I know what I need to do, it is just a matter of a willingness to do it. And so for that, I'll keep walking.

Here's to another 3 miles today!

Well I survived my 'vacation' (read: obligatory trip) to Michigan and surrounding areas, only a little worse for wear, and am HAPPILY back home with my routine, my internet, and my house rules!

I gained some weight on the trip and I am still waiting to see what is 'real' and what is residual airport bloat, so my first official weigh in will be the normal one on Monday. Due to almost everything being homemade and in unmeasured quantities (I was dealing with a 93 year old woman, I wasn't going to offend her or put her out in any way with my preferred food habits!) I did not log my food the entire trip, but now that I am home everything is being accounted for and written down again.

All in all it went well, but traveling with two small children over a huge time change and with lots of car and plane time is EXHAUSTING. I think my husband and I were honestly more tired DURING and AFTER the vacation than we were BEFORE it, which is absolutely amazing given what our schedule was looking like!

In other general news I feel pretty good - I did score some new walking shoes that fit better and am looking forward to doing some walking during the week, and I also got a new maternity wardrobe that is ALL XL's!!!!! I was in 3x for most of my tops and 1x-2x for my pants, and now I can shop a CLEARANCE RACK and find things that fit in normal sizes! 75% of the store I couldn't even look for clothing in, I was reduced to a plus-sized 'corner', and now I can look at something cute and almost guarantee the store will have it in my size. The only trick is that, due to my HUGE bust (which has not reduced in size even with 45 pounds of weight loss) some cuts of tops (empire, mostly) with seams under the bust do NOT fit, even in a 3x... the seam just cuts right across my boobs in a VERY unflattering way. But having certain styles that don't flatter/fit me is a heck of a lot different than not being able to shimmy into STRETCH pants in a normal size!

Needless to say, it was quite a thrilling NSV. And since these clothes were purchased at Birch Run, arguably the US's largest outlet mall, I also paid about $219 for over $400 worth of clothes! SCORE!

* * * * *

In pregnancy news, I am quite popped out now, and feeling great. I had an appointment yesterday and everything looked good - baby's heart rate was found immediately and chugging away, my blood pressure was 100/69, my fundal height was 18 cm (I always measure large because I am short :)... everything was as it should be. I was given a referral to schedule my second trimester biophysical (the sex ultrasound, to most people) and my next appointment is scheduled on my birthday, May 12th. The ultrasound will be scheduled sometime earlier in that week, I think, as they want me to be about 19 weeks for the scan.

I'm excited and feeling pretty good for the most part - back pain worsened on this trip due to eight hour car rides and seven hours on a plane, and nausea has come back badly, along with some migraines, but nothing has been too debilitating for my daily going-ons to be terribly affected.

Now that I am home I am moving my focus to improving my fitness and continuing to stick to my calorie budget. I really am less concerned with what my weight does, as the baby is actively putting on poundage and adding amniotic fluid at this point, and I know that if I am eating healthfully and being moderately active that the weight will take care of itself. So wherever the benchmark is on Monday, I will hold my head high for the next six months and let the pounds fall where they may. I am in control of my behaviors, not the scale, and will not fret over the random number generator if everything else is in line.

It's good to be back, loves!

The lab got back to me quite quickly, and the sample they had on hand tested completely normal for thyroid function. That's both good and bad - by my blood, at least, I am in optimum health, which is great news. But now I have a bevy of symptoms I can't shake and no explanation for them. Will they persist? Will they go away? What's causing them? I have no answers to any of this.

The nurse's best guess what that it was just a weird hormonal fluctuation that did this. It's possible, of course, but hard to believe my body would react to a normal pregnancy so differently this time around, and with symptoms not typical of pregnancy. As Diane suggested in the comments to the last post, it may have been weightloss as well - but I lost so slowly and gradually it's hard to believe that would have caused a nutritionally-related shed.

My only recourse right now is to keep an eye on the symptoms and keep measuring my thickness every month. If I don't lose more and none of the other symptoms get worse, I will just assume it was a freak occurrence and no underlying problems persist. If I am still having ongoing problems I am going to seek out a deeper metabolic panel to test things like liver enzymes and such and rule out some other possible cause.

I'm super healthy by every indicator but how I feel. Greeeeaaat.

Today and tomorrow have been/will be dedicated to cleaning and getting packed, my LEAST favorite part of travel (I always forget something), I just hope I have the energy to do what needs to be done. Tonight we're offloading my guinea pig to some kids in church to care for, and making sure no cloth diapers are left unwashed before we travel (ewwww.). Food-wise I am doing well today, though I have a headache I just can't shake and I didn't eat anything that would trigger a food-sensitivity-related headache. I just feel off, and it's not making my job any easier!

Add to that my sick toddler who has woken me up over a dozen times a night the past two nights, and who is running a 103.5 fever as of this afternoon (it did go down a few degrees with tylenol, thankfully), and this trip is becoming more daunting by the minute! She conked out for her nap within five minutes of going down, so I hope sleep does her good. On the upside, her little sister is happy as a clam and showing no signs of illness, despite constant swapping of water cups and 'sharing' of food (read: stealing it).

So this day has been... blah. Good and bad news, a bit challenging, and very exhausting (I will blame the daughter in lieu of an aberrant blood test). Here's to tomorrow being better!

Well I think I have made mention on here before that I thought I may have been anemic, because I was so tired, lethargic, freezing cold all the time, and generally out of it.

Last night I measured my hair circumference to see how it was doing (one of my hobbies is growing my hair down to my knees and learning elaborate updos, so I check the length and thickness from time to time) and I went from 4.5 inches of hair last year and over 4 inches in circumference in December, to just under 3.5 last night. I lost over half an inch in hair volume, after consistently measuring closer to 4.5 and even close to 5 most of my life. I have always had very thick, healthy hair and I noticed it seemed like my buns were a bit smaller, but I am horrified at just how much hair I have lost. That is NOT normal shedding at all, and given my battery of other symptoms I knew anemia was not the culprit.

I called my OB, alarmed by this new symptom, especially when hair retention is normal for pregnancy and certainly NOT hair loss, and they found my prenatal blood panels were perfect, no anemia or common deficiencies. The nurse also agreed with me on my tentative personal diagnosis - that all the symptoms are classic indicators of hypothyroidism.

It can be brought on during pregnancy and cause developmental issues in the baby if left untreated and severe enough, so I am having my blood tested specifically for a thyroid panel and an additional reactive test to see how much T4 is in my system at this time. A slightly low thyroid function isn't unusual for pregnancy, but to be this symptomatic I would probably be significantly deficient enough to require medication until it resolves on its' own (if it does).

Honestly, I am it glad to know I am not crazy and that these symptoms really ARE worse than in previous pregnancies, and not normal. I am really upset about my hair loss, it's about the only feature of my body I absolutely love and I already am dealing with shedding and crazy regrowth from Lilah's pregnancy... So I hope this IS hypothyroidism, if only because it is an ANSWER to what is wrong with me and easily treatable (and upon treatment my hairloss should stop, thank goodness).

If it is NOT hypothyroidism then I am stumped and will probably request a deeper metabolic panel - it is becoming debilitating, how sluggish and out of it I am, and the constant freezing body is interrupting my quality of life. I was so cold last night, in fact, it kept me from falling asleep for five hours. I am sitting in a 70 degree house in jeans, a long sleeved shirt, and still so cold I am almost shivering. Cold intolerance is a huge indicator for lagging metabolic function, which is essentially what hypothyroidism is, so it would be fabulous if that was indeed my issue and all my worst, most disruptive symptoms would be fixed.

Given these developments, I am under a bit of stress. The good news is that the baby looked fabulous upon analysis of the 1st trimester screening and NT test - healthy, normal, and at incredibly low risk for the most common genetic conditions. The OB also assured me that even a severely underactove thyroid would not affect the baby's development adversely in the beginning of pregnancy, which is why they removed a thyroid panel from their prenatal blood tests to begin with. Getting medicated would alleviate my symptoms, but it wouldn't benefit the baby much before the third trimester. The baby's thyroid should still develop normally even if mine is funky. The risks come toward the end of pregnancy, with blood pressure issues and preterm labor being the most common risks associated with hypothyroidism.

The lab happened to still have my blood from the prenatal panel last week, so they are running tests now and I should have a diagnosis by Wednesdau, before I leave town for two weeks. That way, if I am very deficient they should be able to get me a prescription for synthetic thyroid hormones before I leave (if need be).

At this point, it's just nice to know I am not being a hypochondriac and that hair loss like this indicates SOMETHING more is wrong with me than just normal pregnancy issues. This would be the easy answer - so I am praying I don't have to look for some other cause and that we pinpoint it in the first go-around.

In unrelated weight loss updates, my weight this morning was 212.4, but I am retaining dinner from last night, so I went with yesterday's weight that more accurately reflected my week's trend, which was 211.8. Not bad, not bad. I have had a resurgence of nausea and food aversions these past two days, so eating is becoming challenging again, but I am just doing the best I can. Exhaustion and lethargy have prevented me from moving ad much as I'd like (nice to know this may be chemical, not just a lack of will) but I will still set out to do my walking DVDs every day and evaluate how I feel as I go along.

My eating has been healthy and within the 1900-2000 calorie range most days, with some higher days on Ladies Craft Night (think knitting and junk food!) and a date night with my husband (which was sorely needed), but I am still happy to be maintaining in fairly the same weight range this week. As long as I am being mindful of the quality of my nutrients and what my body is telling me regarding hunger, I am doing just fine. Food journaling is still necessary accountability, and gain or lose I know I am doing what I need to be doing and the weight will take care of itself.

If I find out about the thyroid panel before we fly out I'll post an update, otherwise I'll get to it when I next have Internet. We have a lot to do before we go (including the housesitting arrangements for the guinea pig and plant watering, mail gathering, etc) so wish me luck in getting it all done without too much physical drag!

Since my previous post was such a downer, how about a set of belly pictures? It just so happens that my first progress shot in the mid-240's was in this same top, which was a maternity shirt. It fits quite a bit better now, and was HANGING pre-pregnancy.

So without further ado - 12 week belly shots!

I pop out VERY early with this being my third healthy pregnancy and being short, on top of that. I was probably this size around 24 weeks with my first daughter, and it just keeps happening earlier every time.

To give some perspective, as I said in the album on the sidebar my prepregnancy underbust measurement was 39 inches, and my waist was around 41, so I had almost a straight line down my torso with just a little hip pooch. Now, not so much. Let's check out the view from the top, for more perspective:

I *used* to me able to see my toes, but it takes a bit more neck craning now!

And as a finale, let's see a non-pregnant Taryl in the same top, around 40-ish pounds ago:

It ain't pretty, but it's the truth. The top, even as a maternity top (a size 16 from JC Penney's maternity section) is too loose for me now, I only wear it around the house. It was hideously tight and unattractively at 246.7 pounds, but my non-maternity clothes were a good two sizes bigger. I have lost a good 6-8 inches off my waist, and another 6 off both my hips and underbust (bust stayed the same), and now the same top fits me completely differently. Even with a baby belly it is loose through the bust, hangs down my back, doesn't fit closely at my waist or anywhere else. In this last picture it looks like I was poured into it! Ick!

So for all the fellow losers who may read this blog let this be an encouragement. I am still fat, still morbidly obese for my height, and I lose VERY slowly. But even with a growing belly I still look 1000x better than I did at my higher weights. It IS worth it, it DOES show, and watching myself in maintenance through pregnancy will absolutely pay off in me NOT wearing my maternity clothes a year after my baby is born, this time around.

Baby bumps = cute, even on a fat girl. Back rolls and a Santa belly? That's only cute if you're two feet tall and six months old, and definitely NOT worth keeping around. I will calorie count over looking like I used to ANY DAY of the week!

Well I'll start this out with a confession - I did NOT get to do my walking yesterday, my evening was just too packed. Well, that, and somewhere after rolling out of bed my brain fell out of my head and I spent literally the entire day three steps behind whatever my body was actually doing. No particular reason for it, either, but I was dazed and exhausted. I barely got bread baked in the afternoon, and was late to my evening engagement (a bible study at a friend's home). It was not pretty, I am grateful to my long suffered husband for helping me and understanding his wife had been replaced with a mannequin with the reasoning capabilities of a mentally challenged midge fly.

Anyway, the night was further challenged when I set about locating a receipt for a fiber arts customer who I have been having LOADS of stressful shipping issues with, only to find it had literally disappeared into thin air. Not only is that problematic for HER to deal with the post office and lack a pdf of that receipt, but now MY records don't match for tax time, because I do not have proof I dropped that money on the postage between my bank records and my physical records file. It's maddening, and knowing I have to search all day for it and probably STILL won't find it is absolutely ruining my day, and it's barely started!

Then there's a longer standing situation of chiropractic and the HORRIDLY early appointments I have to schedule for my husband's convenience. I have been seeing a wonderful chiropractor three days a week for the past two weeks to help with my pregnancy-related back and hip problems. It's great.

What's not so great? The appointments are at 7:00 am. Peter drops me off, runs back home to stay with the sleeping kids, and then picks me up about 15-20 minutes later before going to work. In the meantime, I have to wake at 6:00 to get ready for them, and then go back to sleep (children willing!) once I get home. It wouldn't be such an issue except we have had such late nights (poor Peter) and those early mornings are KILLING me. I am getting so little sleep, not to mention it is throwing off my weight loss patterns, having to weigh much earlier in the day or after I have eaten something. It's just a mess.

The pain relief is worth it, sure, but it's a lot of days to wake three hours earlier than normal, whilst going to bed two hours LATER than intended.

All of this has added up to a no good, very bad day for me. Blargh. And it's just begun. Again.

*sigh*

Yesterday was a CRAZY early day with three separate medical appointments by the time I hit 10:30 am, and I usually weigh in at around 10:30-11:00 on an empty stomach, so knowing my weight was going to be funky I just didn't weigh in yesterday and instead used this morning's numbers as my benchmark for the week.

I am up .2 pounds to 212.2, which I am very happy with. I should have gained about 3-4 pounds of weight for a 'normal' pregnancy, so given my start weight I am right where I want to be and feeling pretty good.

My food aversions have, for the most part, tapered off. I am still having horrible cravings but they are mostly manageable, and am averaging around 2000 calories a day in food (which is also right around target).

Thank you for all the comments on my previous post about doing the Walk at Home DVDs. I am going to try to get them in this afternoon (which may be tough, as I have an event I need to prepare for this evening) and will try them barefoot to see if it is quieter. Sock feet don't work because I slip on the wood, and unfortunately I am pretty sure I went to shoes to begin with because my feet were really bothering me with that much pounding (I usually exercise barefoot at home, this is the only thing I use shoes for). I have very flat feet and still struggle with foot pain in my right foot from some sort of stress injury I got while walking last year, and even in shoes my feet don't like the pounding of walking 3-5 fast miles on a wooden floor, let alone with NO impact absorption or support for my overpronation. That said, I am still going to give it a shot and see if it is a workable solution.

In other good news, I had my nuchal translucency scan yesterday, and the baby looks great! Everything is measuring right on, my risk is extremely low for the tested-for genetic disorders, and I had a GREAT sonographer that let us see the baby and various measurements for over a half hour.

I am also, consequently, in my second trimester now! WOOHOO! This pregnancy has dragged for some reason, so I am happy to see a definitive time marker finally pass by, with a healthy baby to boot!

This week will find me continuing on this maintenance merry-go-round and making sure I am eating well and moving a bit. My hips and lower back are really bothering me (darn that relaxin hormone!) so I am just listening to my body, but I think my goals are easily attainable. The test will come in the next week, where I am stuck on a two week vacation. Not overindulging while stressed out, traveling, and constantly eating higher calorie food than my normal fare, will be quite a challenge. As with every other trip I've had, I will just do the best I can, but good thoughts for self control and accountability will be appreciated :)

Well, the end of the stationary bike, anyway!

I did indeed cycle yesterday and avoid a nap, and did 10.2 miles, to boot! The cycling, itself, felt great.

The problem? I had an achy, sore belly and cramps most of the evening, in addition to lower back pain. The angle the recumbent bike puts me at, plus my knees hitting my (ever-expanding) belly, is just too much now. If it is causing pain, it needs to stop until I am no longer pregnant (especially if one considers that I am essentially kneeing my offspring in the head every rotation of the peddles!).

So for now, I am shelving all cycling. I am pretty unhappy about it, as it was my main source of quiet exercise in this house, but you have to do what's necessary to remain healthy, and this is ceasing to be beneficial if it is causing me problems with my pelvis or uterus.

Feeling a need to move again today, I decided to take out some dusty Leslie Sansone dvds and walk a few miles, regardless of how uncomfortable my current footwear is (see previous posts :). I walked three miles at a 5 mph pace in about the same period of time I cycle 10 miles (40 minutes) and burned more calories doing it. Other than some initial muscles protesting it was fairly comfortable.

The problem with this, and why I shelved them temporarily, to begin with? I work out during my kids' naps, and though it may be coincidental, my youngest woke up halfway through my workout (and two HOURS early from her nap). We have wooden floors, and even with blankets hung to dampen sound and an exercise mat down, my feet still pound during these exercises, and I am afraid the noise of that is what woke her up. It is unacceptable for me to wake either girl from their naps, and not really possible to work out in a comfortable way outside with them at this time of the year. So I am stuck in a MAJOR quandary.

I did not think it sounded very loud to my ears, but by all evidence (an awake baby, which is terrible for the rest of the evening) I must have been pounding. It may have been a fluke, but she NEVER wakes up this early from her nap, and so it's hard to conclude it was anything but the noise from my feet that woke her.

So what do I do? I cannot do this while they are awake, as the downstairs is their only real play area and that is where I must work out. They will get stomped and constantly interrupt if I do this when they are awake, but it is interrupting their sleep. I am stumped, and more than a little annoyed. My only other 'solution' would be walking on a treadmill instead of on our floor, but that is just not financially feasible for me right now.

It's the end of the bike and a rough restart to walking, I'm highly frustrated at no apparent solution and it is important I keep moving throughout the pregnancy. I may just have to choose to walk close to the end of their nap (not ideal) and let it wake them up, but hearing them talk over the monitor or knowing they're awake in their cribs stresses me out and makes me itch for the workout to end. For now, I think I'll try again tomorrow or the next day I am ready to work out and see if they wake again, and decide my course of action from there.

Ah, hump day.

If only hubby and I can get over today, the rest of the week will fly. But it has been a very stressful and unproductive few days and I know we are both looking forward to the refreshment of the weekend (even though we are sans babysitters for Saturday :( ).

Today has been exhausting and blah for no reason at all, to the point where I actually dozed on the couch while my kids watched an hour of cartoons. Now, I NEVER fall asleep with them playing, they tend to get into too much trouble, so that is a fairly big red flag for me. I got about seven hours of sleep last night which is pretty good, but all day I have been freezing cold and exhausted. Heck, I turned the fireplace on until the room got to 75, and I was still almost shivering with cold.

On that note, I will be entirely unsurprised if I am anemic during this pregnancy, all signs point to a lack of iron. For now, I am eating my meat, beans, and green leafies and hoping for the best.

I just put my kids down for a nap with the full intention of taking one myself, but you know what? I changed my mind. I am going to do 40 minutes on the stationary bike first. After that, if I am still tired (which I am sure I will be) I'll lay down, but it's the perfect time to exercise and that may well improve both my mood and my energy level, and it will get my blood pumping as well.

Off to beat some endorphins out of my brain, whether it wants to give them up or not!

Not much to say this week, I'm just plugging along. My weigh ins were between 211.6 and 212.0 the whole week, so I definitely lost real weight after the 213-214 weigh ins of weeks previously, and 'gained' a little this week as the baby has grown more (though today, Tuesday, finds me back at 211.6).

I am finding myself a little hungry some days, to the point where I am needing more calories than I have been allotting, so like all things during this journey I adjust as needed to be satisfied. I am a firm believer that if you are GENUINELY hungry and feeding your body quality nutrients it is better to go by what your system is telling you, than try to 'legislate' your body's reactions with an artificial system (calorie counting). Things continue to look good here, with mild and tolerable pregnancy symptoms, decent energy most days, and no discernible increase in size beyond my belly :)

This week I'm going to focus on moving more, I will likely be breaking out my Leslie Sansone dvds again to see if they wake my kids up during their nap, as walking may be easier on my hips and belly than the stationary bike. On our Michigan trip in a little under two weeks I will be looking for a good athletic shoe store and will purchase a pair of walking/cross training shoes to work out in, because as of right now I have nothing that fits my feet comfortably but my Keen street shoes, and those are TOTALLY worn out.

It's a little hard to getting my feet going when there's nothing to put on them!

Hmm, anything else I am missing? Oh yeah! This week I am also focusing on my scheduling and home organization again, as I feel that has gone really lax over the past few months and needs to be tightened up again as spring approaches. I know we need a solid system in place before the next kid comes, or things will be chaos, so it is better to get used to the system now than try and enact it with a new variable in place.

Wish me luck and have a healthy week, everyone!

I may be too white and preppy to use that particular colloquialism (especially when I use words like colloquialism, which universally stamp me across the forehead as "GEEK"), but I earned it today!

So after being sick and feeling sluggish, with this day as no particular exception, I got my rear up onto my bike and spent 40 minutes pounding away while listening to joyous, energetic music. I did 10.5 miles and kept my heart nice and steady between 130-140 BPM.

And what illicited the gleefully whooped title?

I broke 400 miles on my stationary bike - 406.5, to be precise. OOOOHH SNAP!

*ahem* It was a good evening. Off to contemplate dinner and criticize some American Idols :)

... or so the ultrasound would have you believe!

Yes indeed, I am thrilled to report that all looked good and the OB's office actually had an ultrasound machine on site to confirm dating. The baby was measuring about ten weeks and a few days, and my calculations had me right at ten weeks, so all was spot on. The heartbeat was 184, which is quite fast, especially compared to Callie and Lilah who both had heartrates in the 130-140 range at this age. I do believe this made it more real for my husband, at least, when he actually saw the baby wiggling around in a pre-birth imitation of 'the potty dance', and it was a great visit.

I will be going for a genetic screening in two weeks which will entail bloodwork and an ultrasound, and then my next appointment isn't for a month. I am just HIGHLY relieved that the baby was healthy, growing, and that there was only ONE! *whew*

The ANP I visited with was NOT a fan of me losing weight during the pregnancy and wanted to see me gain a bit instead, I just nodded and smiled with the full intention of doing what I was planning from the start. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. But I can be full AND healthy on around 2000 calories of bulky, fibrous food and protein. As long as my body isn't demanding more, I will keep right on doing what I am doing. I will also run my plan by the actual OB at my next appointment and see if his opinion differs.

Either way, all went well. Blood pressure was 120/79 I think, and my weight on THEIR scale was 215.0 (eek!) but I know that was food, clothes, and a difference in measuring instruments. I will have to go get stabbed for my general prenatal panel blood work offsite, as they do not have their own lab, and I plan on doing that the day I am next in the area (my ultrasound in two weeks).

On an aside, I am happy to report that today has been a HIGHLY productive day of sorting through the piles of junk and baby clothes in our spare bedroom and space-bagging things to condense, as well as reorganizing and throwing out piles of trash. We just keep shifting boxes and loose bits from room to room while we remodel and the mess has about driven me NUTS. Organizing today, scrubbing and vacuuming tomorrow, if all goes according to plan.

Wish me luck and have a great week, all!

Well this morning finds me a happy gal, at 211.6! That is right about my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am happy to see my dedication to NOT overdoing it is paying off and my digestive system is moving again.

I did fail mightily on exercise this past week but for a good reason - I had that head cold, right? Well it morphed into a severe upper sinus infection and the worst migraine I have had in years. Three days of intense throbbing, light sensitivity, sound sensitivity, and motion issues. What's worse, nothing would TOUCH the pain. I finally went into an urgent care center yesterday and was prescribed antibiotics to combat the bacterial sinusitis, but he couldn't give me anything for my head other than to tell me to persist in taking tylenol as directed. Unfortunately I'd been doing that for days with no abatement of pain.

Thankfully this morning I am feeling a bit better. My sinuses still hurt but sometime in the middle of last night my migraine went away.

Today is my first OB appointment, wish me luck! I am really hoping they'll let me see the baby to verify the health (and number) of the occupant(s?), but I am not holding my breath. I will ask for a referral for me and DH to pay out of pocket for an earlier scan if the 20 week is the only one offered. I am happy to be going in there with my weight down and health reasonably up, and can only hope this positive trend continues. I am MUCH less anxious for this appointment, having heard the heartbeat already over the doppler, but it will be nice to be 'formally' pregnant with regular checks now, instead of just hanging around at home with a bunch of peesticks, having the whole thing feel slightly surreal.

I do hope to get back to more exercising this week and continue my weight loss efforts, and am interested to hear what the nurse has to say about how I should be eating. Having lost weight through two other pregnancies and had exceptionally healthy babies I *may* take her advice with a grain of salt if it contradicts what I know works well for me, but I am interested to hear her opinion nonetheless. There's something very gratifying about having medical staff constantly expecting 'fat girl' complications out of you, and then having them eat their words when your body and pregnancy and healthier than many of their skinny patients.

MWAHAHAHAHAAA! Evil of me, I know, but if everyone is going to assume I am obese and unhealthy, I must get my kicks where I can. I think Dr. Bell's charts from Lilah's birth had my weight at the time (around 270, at 39 weeks pregnant), so I eagerly waiting to see if anything is mentioned about my loss.

Anyway, another week goes by, and as always there is progress and pitfalls, but I remain dedicated regardless of the circumstance. I will confess to having a TON of anxiety about my eating on this upcoming trip for two weeks in April, as I have worked SO hard to get back down, but it is in the Lord's hands and I will just try and make the best choices I can, given the circumstances surrounding our eating on the trip.

I'll check in later this afternoon if anything interesting arises from this appointment, and other than that I'll see you folks later this week!

... on so many counts!

Well unfortunately my nausea and food aversions are back full swing, and it's pretty miserable.

Then there was the scale this morning, that registered 212.0 despite having eaten the same yesterday as every other day this week, and being fairly well hydrated.

Oh yeah, and did I mention my children are actively trying to shorten their lifespans by throwing crazy tantrums at the drop of a hat during the day and into the evening? Yeah, they must not have gotten the memo that mommy's patience is on the short side these days.

Either way, all's well that end's well. The scale was down, I am able to eat healthfully most of the day, with the exception of meat. My kids are healthy and happy when they're not fighting over toys. This week is almost over.

Yeah, it's one of *those* days.

See you Monday for another weigh-in, I hope the low trend will persist but I am not holding my breath!

Well, this has been a frustrating week, weight-wise, and I am still definitely struggling with trying to come to peace with the fact that my body WILL be gaining no matter what I do, short of a very serious diet effort (which am not willing to undertake while pregnant - I'll accept weight loss, but only if it involves eating healthy food in satisfying quantities... no deprivation while trying to grow a person!).

The scale has been ads high as 216 and as low as 213.6... the lower end is still on the high side for how much weight I should be losing, based on calorie totals, which means that I am gaining genuine baby mass now. The kid is about the size of a large green olive and my uterus has swelled significantly with amniotic fluid, placenta, and said baby. I can feel it about halfway to my belly button already, which is definitely measuring on the large size for this gestational age.

So this, I suppose, is like a REAL taste of maintenance. I have to know that I am doing everything right and trust that the weight on the scale isn't because I am miscounting my calories, but because I am gaining lean mass, as it were, in the form of another person. The scale is fluctuating fairly reliably within a 213-214 pound radius most days, and I think it is a given at this point that this will be my lowest pregnancy weight, and it's up up up from here.

Some days I think I am okay with that, and other days I feel really disheartened by it. I won't stop weighing daily, it gives me some great clues as to what is going on with my metabolism and I know that often my weight spikes are only related to the dinner I can FEEL moving sluggishly through my system... but since I have been in weight loss mode for about 18 months, it is tough to settle into a different pattern while still being vigilant of my diet and exercise.

I admit, part of me still really wants to post a loss, or 'begin' this pregnancy around 210... I still feel like the vacation weight isn't coming off, so I am just adding to unnecessary poundage. It is fairly irrational, but there it is: I am still annoyed I had to fly down south and end up in food situations where I couldn't really track my calories as I like. I am a creature of habit, and those routine disruptions (and another on to come in April!) really bug me.

Still, I know what I have to do, and even by the strictest weight charts my gains in the first trimester are in the average-to-below-average range. Gaining four-ish pounds in ten weeks is not bad, according to those charts, and that comforts me a bit since I know some of that gain could have been avoided (thereby meaning my actual pregnancy gain is lower, which could signal that I will be able to manage gains in this pregnancy like I did in my last two). But I will say, being AWARE of my habits has made things a lot more stressful than the first two times around. I just ate what I wanted and lost weight... but now I am INCAPABLE of just eating and not thinking about the nutritional impact of the food on my body. In some ways, that is fabulous - its awfully hard to backslide up the scale in any significant way when you are naturally conscious of your hunger, how and when to satisfy it, and with what foods to do it with. I suppose the rub comes when you know you're doing everything right, and the creep up the scale is to be observed, but not *dealt with* as it would have been before pregnancy.

* * * *

All weight related angst aside, I actually have had a very good week with the pregnancy. As I mentioned before I am definitely showing, my uterus is quite high in my abdomen for this spot in the pregnancy and it has pushed a lot of other organs out of the way. Maternity clothes are a must at this point!

My symptoms have been mild, with just a few severe waves. I do, unfortunately, have a headcold, but hopefully it won't hang around too long.

The best thing that happened this week? I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, FINALLY! I have a doppler from the previous two pregnancies and have been checking for a heartbeat for over a week, but had no luck. Finally, on Monday, I pushed the probe much HIGHER than I had been previously checking, and within moments found a strong, fast, beautiful baby heartbeat that left me MUCH reassured as to the health of this pregnancy. I was pretty shocked to find it up so high, as my uterus should still be behind my pelvic bone at this stage in the pregnancy, but it was a good three inches higher. There's a few causes for that, the most likely being that my previous kiddos have stretched out the gym for this one, so it is easier for the n00b to expand that muscle than it was for them.

Either way, a heartbeat was exactly what I hoped to find. It lessens my chances for miscarrying dramatically, and made me feel much better about making a general pregnancy announcement to the few friends who haven't yet heard.

My appointment is next monday, and I do hope it goes well. In the meantime, I know I just need to watch the scale but not obsess and do my best to stay active and nourished, without worrying about what numbers may pop up. At this point I do think baby gain will mostly cancel out any calorie deficits on the scale, but I am comforted knowing those deficits WILL show after birth, and that having maintained my good habits will make losing baby weight after birth much more simple.

Onward I go!

I am fairly thrilled for the weekend, for a number of reasons.

First, my husband was out of town on a work related inspection trip, and he will be coming home this afternoon.

Second, I have some stuff to get done for our church's VBS, and this is a good time to do them.

It also is a perfect time to lose the remaining vacation weight, which wasn't very bad this time. I weighed in at 213 when I left and was 213.8 this morning, so considering the amount of eating out I had to do I'd say that's a fairly easy gain to bounce back from. I've just been focusing on getting my fruits and veggies in, and the rest is taking care of itself.

Unfortunately this weekend it sounds like we still won't have our grandparent babysitters available to watch the kids, so still no reschedule has occurred for our missed Valentines plans, but that's okay. We're boring parents, but a Saturday is still better than a weekday when my husband is around to assist more with the kids. He's a very good dad, and has been a phenomenal husband to me through each pregnancy.

Speaking of pregnancy, other than crazy fatigue and the occasional wave of nausea, I've been feeling pretty good lately. The sickies have definitely tapered off and for the most part I am able to eat without crazy food aversions. My bigger issue right now is that halfway into eating something, like broccoli last night or grapefruit the day before, all the sudden the food will trip the gag reflex/aversion button and taking one more bite will send me over the edge into vomiting. It's very random and not something I remember experiencing, but I cannot load up on bland/unblended produce without this occasionally happening. If it is more than fresh or lightly steamed, like in a soup or smoothies, I am okay, but something about fresher preparations is harder to palate these days. Bitter seems more bitter, green tastes astringent, sweet can be cloying. So while it seems I have mostly conquered complete food aversion (except to ham and turkey) I still have to be very aware of upper limits on certain foods. I can't seem to veggie load like I used to - where I'd swallow something that I didn't much love the taste of (like kale) but would eat a portion because it was good for me. Now, I'd try to eat kale and the very thought of a vegetable like that will send my stomach churning half the time.

So it's not perfect, but it's better than it was during, say, the Superbowl. The nausea comes and goes, as does other symptoms, but by and large I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

I got some time in on the bike Wednesday, and will be shooting for more today. Other than that, I'll see you at my weigh-in Monday!

I do these weekly but never do manage to paste in the button for them :) Sorry Diana!

I'm officially back from the last funeral, thank goodness! It all went very well but I am glad to be home, and DONE with airport food for the time being. I am so tired of working hard on my weight, heading out for another trip where it is constant airport food and eating out, and then coming home with my weight frustratingly up. It makes me want to deck someone, honestly.

I'm not doing an official weigh-in until next monday, to give the pipes so time to process all that sodium, but I am expecting to be up around 1-1.5 pounds. I can work it off, sure, but I am just not even enjoying the process of eating lovely food and gaining. It isn't worth it to me, but at most of the places we were eating (Like Claim Jumper), even taking leftovers home left me with huge amounts of calories I didn't need. And yet, I am still hungry, and if I don't eat when the hunger pangs begin I start getting nauseous, so I can't just eat less frequently to balance out the higher calorie levels.

All in all it is quite annoying, but I am heartened that I only have one trip remaining, at the beginning of April. I am just so sick of this tango of 1 step forward, 2 steps back, when I would have NO TROUBLE with nice steady losses if I was just able to stay home. I know everything happens for a reason and these funerals were unavoidable, but after the December trip and the holidays it has been a frustrating few months with my weight. That, coupled with the fact that I am limited in how I can lose right now, thanks to the baby, and I am getting awfully close to screaming over this whole thing. Most of the time I can gracefully accept a gain, but right now I am just annoyed.

So yeah, traveling bumped my weight up and I am terribly bloated again (gee, thanks airport food!), and looking forward to getting back into my normal, healthy groove. Wish me luck!

That's what the muscles in my legs do for about a half hour after I stop cycling, anyway! They twitch all over the place, and I can't decide if it is good (that they're continuing to work) or annoying (that I can't get them to stop).

Got in 10.1 miles on the bike, FINALLY. I am anticipating a problem down the road, though, and don't know if I can solve it with my preferred exercise. You see, I am having problems with my thighs hitting my belly when I cycle, and it is quite uncomfortable. I also imagine it is going to get worse in the coming months, and I have no alternative exercise at this point that does any cardio. I will probably be able to get out and walk with the kids in a few months, when it finally thaws, but that is also not ideal for speed or fitness (I still don't have a good method for carrying both of them, at the size they're at now, but Callie can't walk fast or far).

So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do when it comes to exercise. I can still use my strength bands, sure, but this thigh-belly-contact nonsense will not work well as I get even bigger than I am now.

What I find interesting is that when I was 20 pounds heavier, this didn't bother me and wasn't a problem. maybe because now it is internal organs, as opposed to just blubber? My entire digestive tract is getting higher and higher with each passing week, and so perhaps that is where the pain/discomfort is coming from?

I want to keep cycling, I enjoy it and it is much easier on my knees that walking, but that may not be possible :(

Here's my mid-week brain dump/check in!

Exercise has mostly eluded me this week, primarly for time reasons. Tonight I am aiming to get on the bike, we'll see if I can do it. Eating has been fine, at anywhere between 1900-2200 calories a day. That is a half to one pound loss for me, if I count my calories accurately and don't nibble :).

* * * *

In happy news, my weight has been around 213.0-212.8 for the past few days, with the only bump-up being the night I had fast food for dinner. It was within my calories, but all that sodium is killer! I'm doing great eating fruits and veggies, but meat still generally gags me. It stinks because I NEED protein to grow a healthy baby, but I am having to resort to nuts, beans, and protein shakes almost exclusively. I've been craving eggs but I am highly sensitive to them, and they give me the fuzzy throat/icky feeling allergic reaction. So I've been indulging in them VERY limitedly, a few eggs a week. If anyone wants to pray for me, pray that my food aversions would mellow so I could rely less on bread and get more poultry and beef, especially, into my system!

Still, I can't complain. My nausea has been coming and going in waves, but is tolerable overall. I am mostly eating well (probably 80/20) and feel exhausted, but not *weak*, which is nice. Sadly, I keep craving all my allergens when it comes to food. I have been tested to be sensitive to baker's yeast, brewer's yeast, wheat, oats, milk, eggs, cheese, and almonds, in varying levels. Frequent exposure exacerbates my immune response, and infrequent expose makes it more mild. The problems comes about when one realizes that this was almost my exclusive diet during my first pregnancy, and that I LOVE all of these foods. Ugh!

For breakfast this morning, I gave into my cravings and am paying for it now in how cruddy I feel.

I ate two eggs, a bowl of banana oatmeal (old fashioned and from scratch), and a cup of milk. Tasty and healthy, right? All of these foods are nourishing, whole foods, and yummy too! But eating healthy isn't always as simple as the calorie count of nutritional profile of the foods. Your body's response to that food is also key!

For me, I am very prone to that allergic inflammatory response if I eat too much of the same food over a period of weeks, particularly foods from that sensitivity list. Considering that research has discovered most long-term losers and maintainers eat largely the same diet every day, it can be quite a challenge for me to eat foods I like, that stay within my calories and satisfy me, while rotating them enough that I don't start feeling 'off'. If you find yourself suffering from headaches, lethargy, rashes, unexplained weight gain, or generally feeling like you have a cold, getting a blood panel down to identify food allergies may be a fabulous investment for your health. You can be eating 'all the right things' and still have issues, if those things trigger an immune response in your body.

Case and point with my breakfast? It was the right thing to eat, but not right for me. Grapefruit, toast with peanut butter, and a glass of soy will sit much better and nourish me just as much. Especially during times of bodily stress, like pregnancy or illness, food allergies and sensitivities can appear that never triggered you before. A simple elimination and reintroduction diet approach can make a world of difference in how you feel.

* * * *

In other rambles, I am in the midst of *cough*being lazy*cough* cleaning up the house and packing, getting ready for funeral #2 down in California. I fly out tomorrow morning at 9:00 am, and spend most of the day stuck in Sea-Tac, before flying out again at 9:00 pm down to San Diego. The flights are, woefully, packed, and I am worried the smells on the airplane will turn my stomach the whole time. That, plus the general exhaustion/boredom of being in the airport will make me prone to overeating. So good thoughts for self control on Seattle would be much appreciated! The trip, itself, should be good... It's the coming and going I am worried about! And those monster layovers are truly mindnumbing. I am happy to be traveling alone again, but I will miss my husband and kids like crazy.

The only other travel related concern, really, is weight gain due to eating out a ton. It always happens and I know I can overcome the bulk of the gain by being mindful (and take it back off once I get home!) but I'd rather not gain it to begin with, if I can help it. This overwhelmingly long half year of travel is not helping my weight loss, and while I have lost inches and gained self perspective, I cannot express how thrilled I will be once April passes and the our last trip (to Michigan for two weeks) is out of the way. After that, we're not going anywhere for at least a year, and I can stop getting these travel-related weight setbacks. I can deal with pregnancy weight gain, but fast food weight gain from being on the road is another thing entirely!

* * * *

I think that about does it for my sprawling weekly update. I will be gone until Wednesday, effectively, so I may not do a weigh in until two Mondays from now, but I should be back to normal and blogging by the middle of next week. Here's to safe travels and healthy airport food (ha!)!

Don't you just hate it when the scale doesn't properly reflect the loss for the week? It's doing that for me, today, unfortunately!

My lowest weight this past week was 213.2, which is correct based on the calorie deficit I am estimated to be running. But thanks to a slowed metabolism and digestion during pregnancy, all the food I ate this weekend is lounging in my digestive tract, and so despite running a caloric deficit I weighed in this morning at 213.8.

Not much to say here - I still feel icky on and off with morning sickness, and am 7 weeks pregnant today. Only 33 more to go, it seems like AGES away (kind of like that first appointment still seems ages away, as well!). This friday will mark the beginning of the second funeral trip to California, and I will be gone until midday Tuesday. Hopefully my eating (and nausea!) will remain healthy and under control while I am gone, and my husband and kids survive without me. They did pretty well the last time, I'm confident my husband can hold it together without me overseeing him. He's talented like that!

My weekly prescription for myself remains unchanged - do some exercise (because once I do I enjoy it SO much!) and continue eating mostly on plan. I should have lost at least half a pound this week, so I am doing decently enough on food (Valentines and a Baby Shower notwithstanding!) and just need to continue on in that vein. Meats are still proving difficult for me to eat without gagging, but I am doing fine with most fruits and veggies. I am always tempted to carb load when I am not feeling well, so I hope I stay away from the white bread a little more this week and reach for some salad or a potato instead.

How did YOU all do this past week?

I did it! I got off my lazy butt this afternoon (when what I really wanted was to sit around reading or take a nap) and did 10 miles even on the bike. It was at a more sedate pace than pre-pregnancy, my heartrate sat around 130BPM which is around 60-70% of my max. Still, I am SO glad I did, I feel much better than I did before, it was a very energizing ride!

I think I may grow fond of the slightly lower resistance and slower pace. I actually was enjoying the ride so much, that despite needing to get downstairs to pop some sourdough sandwich loaves into the oven, I actually reprogrammed the bike and did an extra TEN MINUTES to get a little more in. At that pace, if I could find time, I think I could actually do an hour without issue. I was having such a good time jamming to my music, spacing out, and getting my blood pumping for the first time in ages (getting stuck in a snowbank Monday, notwithstanding!).

So yay for exercise, I hope I can manage a repeat tomorrow. It may be difficult to get the time, only because I have to go to a baby shower in the early evening and that is my normal workout time. We'll see, either way.

Mission accomplished for today :)

* * * * *

On a fun addendum, due to some issues during one of my pregnancies I have a blood pressure meter here at home. It's buried under my bathroom sink so I rarely think to take my blood pressure, but I decided to take it this evening just for kicks. It was 107/75 - not bad for an obese chick ;)

To be fair, except at the height of pregnancy, my blood pressure is always at or below 120/80. High blood pressure is not a condition I have to contend with, thankfully, and improving my exercise and diet has only helped assure that.

Surprise, surprise?

I am finding it MUCH easier to stay on plan and not overeat my calories at around 1900, as opposed to 1400 or 1750 - I know, you're shocked, right? ;)

It's been a good few days - still woefully absent on exercise, with the exception of pulling my kids around in the sled on Monday, but overall I have been doing well. I'm still mightily fighting nausea, and I admit my daily calories consist of too many saltines and too few slices of turkey, but if it gets calories in me and doesn't make me throw up, I figure it's okay for now. I am still doing my best to eat healthfully at every meal, and so far breakfast and lunch have been solid almost every day this week. For me, at least, morning sickness seems to strike the worst as I am trying to cook and eat dinner.

I'm still marching down the scale at a nice, reliable .8-1 pound a week loss, and I am very satisfied with that. I am hoping my OB won't give me grief about it, since I am eating mostly nutritionally dense foods and not going hungry. We'll see.

My goal today is going to be to get in half an hour on the bike. I KNOW I can do it, I just have to make it a priority. I'll check in later if I manage to do it, or if exhaustion or nausea floor me again.

In happy pregnancy news, I am 6w4d pregnant today, with no cramping or bleeding to speak of. YAY! It's in God's hands either way, but I definitely hope I don't miscarry and thus far the signs are all promising and things are progressing very normally. I can't complain (much). I've had some round ligament twinges when I move from sitting to standing, which is just a consequence of a growing uterus and my body adjusting to loosening connective tissues. I am still fighting some less pleasant gastro-intestinal side effects beyond nausea, but I'd say I feel about 85% normal for most of the day. By the evening I am definitely fried, and I feel badly for my hard-working husband to pick up the slack, but we're both just doing the best we can. He doesn't really seem to mind, so I am grateful for his help.

Hm... I can't really think of anything else to post about, other than my shock at all my maternity clothes fitting and filling out already. I am in a bit of a predicament with my pants, because the ones that fit in the waist are all new and WAY too long, but the person I would have help me pin and hem them, my mother-in-law, hasn't yet been told I am pregnant! She and her husband are some of the last people to find out, just by the way things worked out this time around.

Peter is planning on breaking the news to them this weekend, so pray for a positive reaction! And maybe after she knows, I can get some help with altering the sad state of these maternity jeans! I can deal with two inches or so of excess length - a shoe will take up that slack - but four or five?! That just looks comically unkempt!

Off to start another busy day!

Let's get the normal monday post out of the way, shall we? I am at 214.0 today, which is .8 pounds less than last week. Considering that my weight flucuated all the way up to 216 some days this week, a weekend of maintaining around 214 is awesome and I'll happily take it! I am hoping (but not expecting) to keep losing around a pound a week this whole pregnancy.

Week by week that looks like minor weight loss, but at the end of the pregnancy I should theoretically be down 40 pounds! That would be awesome, and what's more - that calorie level (around 1900) is actually doable for me 95% of the time and I don't feel a need to go over. So I am pretty proud of myself and looking forward to continuing this slightly sluggish but HEALTHY weight trend throughout the pregnancy.

The thing to remember is that my scale won't show that loss each week due to me GAINING baby weight - specifically amniotic fluid, placenta, and actual human being. In my past pregnancies I have stayed around the same weight (after losing a little through the first trimester) from about 20-30 weeks, then there at the end I start gaining a pound or two a week until I give birth (usually 8-10 pounds of gain). If I can repeat or come close to that pattern I will be a happy clam. If I gain more, that's life.

Now, speaking of the pregnancy - THANK YOU LORD FOR SEA BANDS!!! I am sick as a dog. I was never, EVER this sick in either pregnancy. Nauseous all the time, with major food aversions that seem to change daily. I usually eat a pretty darn healthy diet - mostly unprocessed, home cooked, with lots of plants, protein, and whole grains. I drink only water with some milk on occasion.

Well. I have been SO sick that all I could stomach yesterday was a club sandwich from the store with white bread and LOTS of mayo (I was craving mayo) and two Ginger Ales (I tried eating some white rice but it didn't sit well). I did indeed go over my daily calories and it was with nutritionally devoid junk. Now I NEVER drink soda, and even when I was heavy I always had diet. But the taste of aspertame is entirely unpalatable to me these days, pregnant or not... so it was regular old Canada Dry, full calories and sugar.

And darn it all if it wasn't GOOD!

That, plus my sea bands, really helped quell the worst of my nausea. But I can tell that for these first few weeks I am really going to just have to take it bite by bite. I had a great start to my Sunday, with two over easy eggs, whole wheat toast, and some raspberries... it was later in the day that my sickies kicked in. So my game plan for today (and likely the next week or four) is to start out each meal with healthy choices, as I normally do, and only make adjustments to what I absolutely cannot stomach. I refuse to just go hog wild and only offer myself nutritionally devoid junk... I am going to start each meal with the best of food intentions and just make the most minimal adjustments for my stomach's comfort that I can.

So if I only subsist on cream of wheat, saltines, and a banana or two... it won't be from lack of trying with apples, salads, and fish :)

I am just going to do the best I can and my weight and health will take care of itself. So far, in the midst of horrible sickness, I am doing decently enough and not going to get down on myself.

* * * * * *

As a brief addendum to today's post, I must report that my exercise hopes from the end of last week were not achieved. This week, however, I have the chance to try again (we ALWAYS have the chance to try again, no matter what our state of health or schedule may be!) and will aim to get some time on the bike today. Ideally I will also drag my kids out into the snow as well, as they deserve some fresh air, we'll see.

In care provider news, my midwives unfortunately dumped me as a patient due to some office politics and a lack of time to attend me at the hospital (I think, they didn't actually give me the courtesy of a reasonable explanation) so I will be seeing Dr. Bell, the OB who delivered Lilah, for this pregnancy. I will also be using my same doula from that birth as well. I like Dr. Bell a lot, he is very flexible and naturally minded, so I am not worried. I just wish my midwives gave me the courtesy of at least discussing how my risk factors may have somehow changed for the WORSE after a SUCCESSFUL VBAC and subsequent 45 pound weight loss. It really upset me that they cancelled the consult I scheduled with them in favor of just ditching me through the secretary on the phone, but I've gotten over the worst of my anger on the subject.

So an OB it is, and the first appointment is (sadly) AGES away on March 8th. I will be 10 weeks exactly, and I do hope I can get an ultrasound to verify a healthy pregnancy (or two?) and set my mind at ease.

I am 6 weeks today and doing just fine, beyond the obvious nausea. I'll take it (with a side of Ginger Ale, it seems!).

This week has been crazy, and unfortunately the schedule disruptions aren't done yet.

I've been slacking on exercise. Not a minute of formal exercise (despite daily plans to do so) since I came back from California. Now, to be fair, I have been playing a daily catchup game to try and get things back in smooth running order after being gone a week, and also constantly balancing my mind-numbing pregnancy fatigue with my need to get my blood pumping.

It's been a challenge.

The good news is that I am mostly caught up, and should have time during my kids' nap today to get on the bike.

The bad news is that the next two weeks full of appointments, church obligations, and lots of prepwork leading up to my NEXT California trip. And yes, I should still be contending with my daily energy drains that leave me dazed on the couch, mentally begging for a nap. Still, I am hoping to get in a solid three days a week of cycling, and work in 15 minutes of strength training on the other two days.

I will always have an excuse not to do it, some more legitimate than others. But the fact remains that I NEED to work out, for my health and fitness and for the baby, and so I must commit to it, make it a priority as much as food, sleep, or (lazy me!) internet time.

As for this crush of fatigue, while I know it is a common pregnancy symptom I am worried that it, coupled with dizziness and constantly freezing, may be indicative of anemia. I dealt with it during past pregnancies and will be speaking with my midwives about it this time, and sharing my concerns. It is amazing what a little iron supplement can do. However, iron is a metal and it still prone to accumulating in body tissues (same with copper and zinc, both important but easy to overdose on) and so I do not want to begin supplementing my iron without a blood panel showing a need for it. I could do a lot more harm than good with excess supplementation of something like that.

So anyway, I am still focusing on being 'on' with my eating (and with a few hiccups after dinner here and there, I am being largely successful with 1900 calories a day) and choosing protein sources first, then plants, THEN whole grains and dairy (I have a sensitivity to dairy so I have to be careful to not start an allergic inflammation cycle). On food, at least, I just need to keep doing what I am doing, and being accountable for every bite put in my mouth.

On exercise, I just need to make it a priority and get my butt in gear. Finishing my home schedule is also a HUGE priority that will help other things, like sleep, bible study, and exercise, also fall into place. I am struggling with lethargy, laziness, and a bit of stress, so I really need some prayers to overcome them.

That's me in a nutshell. Doing okay, still pregnant with no spotting and the occasional round ligament twinge, and trying to get my life in order in such a way that NOTHING gets neglected during this pregnancy or after. A little discipline and order now will pay off later - the newborn days are TOUGH and take all the preparation I can manage, and it is never too early to start :)

I'm happy to be back, thank you for all the condolences on the deaths in my family, I really appreciate the support.

On the weight/food front, I'll just get it all out there and then explain: I weighed in at 214.8 this morning, down a pound from yesterday but up about four pounds from my last official weigh-in.

Sounds bad, right? It would be, except that I am pretty confident that maybe 1.5-2 pounds of that is actual weight gain, and the rest is wicked (but expected) bloat, the type I don't think will subside for another few weeks.

The reason for this terrible bloat? I'm PREGNANT! Thrilled to be so, as this was our first month trying. I am due 10/4/10, and thus my dieting efforts will be altered a bit in the meantime. Right now I am battling water retention and alternating horrible PMS-style cravings with major food aversions, so keeping my eating on plan has been a little tricky. However I may I have to modify my eating plan, there will still BE a plan, and food will still be written down, exercise will still be had, etc etc.

While I am not aiming to lose a ton of weight during the pregnancy, I am intending on continuing my healthy habits and limiting my calories to the more nutritious side of things, and so I expect I *will* drop some more during this process, but won't be upset if I do not. I will continue to eat to my hunger, and that is a perfectly safe plan for pregnancy. Healthy food, moderate exercise, watching calories but making sure I am not hungry - we'll see what happens, but right now I am just tweaking to see where my body wants me to fall in terms of calorie intake.

I would still like to be down to 189 by the end of the year, and will still keep up this blog as a general diet/life writing space. I am NOT abandoning all of you! What may be tricky is to monitor my weight weekly without getting disappointed when I am not losing. It will be weird, after so many months of hoping for downward trends, to be doing the right things and seeing the scale go up after awhile :)

I am SO excited about this pregnancy and it works in perfectly with our plans. I have all my fingers crossed that, like my other pregnancies, my weight gain will be VERY limited, but even if it is not I will deal with baby weight as it comes. The only change I am really enacting is to up my calories a bit to get the amount of protein I need daily (roughly double what I am currently at) so I can build a healthy baby.

We're STRONGLY hoping for a boy, but another daughter would also be a blessing. I hope, for my husband's sake, that his male sperm were feeling up to the challenge, as he would love having a son to raise alongside the girls we already have. I have had TERRIBLE symptoms from almost 4 weeks onward, lots of nausea, bloat, breast tenderness, headaches, fatigue, food aversions, you name it. MUCH more symptomatic than I was with my girls. Every pregnancy is different, but I am hoping the early symptoms of this one don't foretell a rougher pregnancy than I have had before.

One thing is for sure - it HAS to be less difficult to be 45 pounds lighter this time around. The impact on my hips and joints, at least, should be markedly less painful with that much less weight on me. I am looking forward to higher mobility and less pain at the end, and perhaps an easier labor due to all the exercise and toning I have been working on.

So good news all the way around. I am so glad to be back home and back to my old routines, and looking forward to all the physical changes the next year has in store for me. I am praying for a healthy, strong pregnancy, as well as a body that will continue to get more fit. Because of my current hormones I *am* having a much harder time resisting carb-laden junk, but I will try to take it one meal at a time and eat to grow a healthy child (and not a bigger waistline - that's up to the baby to transform, not Oreos!).

Sorry for the distinct lack of updates, I am now down in California for funeral #1, the one for my paternal grandmother. My internet access is spotty, is is my access to a scale. That aside, I'm doing well, still recording my food, and trying to eat as healthfully as possible.

I will record the damage of the trip when I get home, see you all then!

So I was 210.0 at my weigh-in this morning, and it is QUITE the welcome visitor, to be out of the 2-teens decade and heading back to the single digits. With God's grace, hopefully today will be a better day than yesterday.

I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog and around the internet with condolences about my grandmothers. It really warmed my heart to hear everyone's caring sentiments and made me feel much better.

I am doing well today, having come to better terms with the loss of both women in such a short period of time. They lived good, full lives with love for their Lord and love for others, and while they are missed, I am actually looking forward to celebrating their lives with my family down in California shortly. If I could use prayer for anything right now, it would be that the memorials correlate enough that I can make one slightly longer trip down to go to both at once, rather than two short trips over the course of a few weeks. Financially it is nearly impossible for us to swing two sets of plane tickets, after we *just* went down there, so I am praying that the Lord providentially places the dates of the funeral for Grandma Davidson (who is being buried) and the memorial for Grandma Oslin (who was cremated) closely together enough that I can attend both in a way that does not unduly strain my husband financially. He will make happen whatever needs to, to get me down there for both, but we'd both prefer the less painful arrangement!

In terms of eating, I actually did VERY well yesterday. I caved to a little emotional eating for some chocolate icecream and sushi, but I only went over my daily calorie target by about 300 calories, and was controlled even in my indulgences, thinking them over and counting them instead of just shoving them in my face to fill some gaping emotional hole in my life.

A part of me would have loved to sink into a bunch of junk food, but a much LARGER part of me had no real desire to over-indulge when it wouldn't bring either Grandma back, NOR would it be conducive to my health and scale goals. And now, in hindsight, I am very proud of myself for standing firm on my eating. Today I already feel a mental burden lifted and am at peace with their passing, now I just need to move forward with my life as always - one step at a time, with faith in the Lord, and living as a servant for those I love (instead of wallowing in selfishness!).

I can do this, I AM doing it, and I can grieve in a healthy way and still stand strong afterward. God is SO good, and now both grandmothers are experiencing that goodness firsthand. How blessed they are, and how blessed I am, even through this.

So how was YOUR week, everyone?

This morning I was home from church, tired from Lilah's fussing last night and not feeling well.

I received two calls in the space of ten minutes though I let them go to message (I was trying to nap), once the second call came in I knew something was wrong.

The news was that my other grandmother, Grandma Davidson, passed away this morning.

I didn't know this at first, but she had been feeling poorly this whole week, and had stopped eating and drinking a few days ago. She woke up at 5:30 am with a backache, and my grandpa gave her a massage and started the vibration on her bed to help her sleep. She went back down to sleep soon after, and when the alarm went off at 8:30 am for church, she wouldn't wake up. He went over to wake her, and realized she was gone.

I got this information from my Uncle, who is over at their home with all the rest of the family arriving. I'll be getting details on her funeral soon, and will fly down for both her and Grandma Oslin's memorial service.

I was always pretty close to both grandmothers, and loved them dearly, so losing both in the space of three days has just been too much. At the same time, both had a myriad of health problems and were believers, so I am assured that they are in a much better place and communing with the Lord. I am missing them, but at the same time I'm happy that they are away from all the pain and anguish of a fallen world.

Still, please be praying for my family and me, that we may have peace and understanding through this difficult time, and that we will rely on God's strength as our solace, and not our own desperate, flawed knowledge. I cannot do this, can't take this much grief, so I am deeply grateful that my burdens are not shouldered alone, but instead laid at the feet of the God of the Universe. Praise the Lord, that in the face of such emotional pain I have peace in His strength and plan.

It's a lot, but I have far more lasting hope and joy than despair. I'll be okay, but now is time to grieve and gather ourselves to celebrate the lives of these two wonderful women.

Today was a rough day.

I was busy. The kids were a handful. There was a very long list of chores and no energy to do them. My husband worked very, very late. My grandmother died at 12:37 pm, after a very long fight against a myriad of health issues, and over a year and a half in the hospital.

.... I struggled with my eating. Maybe it was related to the above, or maybe I just need to exercise better control. Either way, thankfully, tomorrow is another day.

I love you Grandma, and can almost see you rejoicing in God's majesty right this moment. Goodbye.

I am so relieved to be able to officially report that I am over the holiday hump of 2009. I stayed on plan pretty well this whole past week and am down 1.4 pounds to 211.6, which is the same weight I was before Thanksgiving. I am ever glad to be done with that nonsense!!!!

Mentally, I knew my gains over the holidays were pretty minimal, and I still stayed accountable the whole time. I also thoroughly enjoyed myself and don't necessarily regret the food decisions I made, with the exception of a few sweets binges that I could have completely done without and still be satisfied. But somewhere in the back of my mind I truly was afraid that I had started a long skid back to 257... and in some ways each pound regained felt like I was right back where I was, because the fear and anticipation of it actually happening was so potent.

But now, as before when I was in a weight loss bubble (waaaay back in February, the last time I took a California trip to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding), I have proved to myself that I CAN manage my weight with less than perfect circumstances and less than perfect personal behavior. What felt like my biggest booboo in ages has turned out to be a huge victory over defeating self talk - because I gained a little, lost it again, and am NO worse for wear. I am NOT 257 again, I am NOT in a hole of denial and bad habits, I am ME and I am here, still persisting and winning every day against my lifelong weight battle.

I can take a minor detour in my journey and still get back on track. That is a very, very empowering feeling.

So here's to continuing right where I left off. I can do this and I am, one good decision at a time. I'm doing it with a little pizza here and ice cream there, and with a MASSIVE vacation and holidays thrown in there as well. I am still succeeding even when I stumble a bit, and have not been felled by what amounts to a diet death knell for many people. I, at least, am coming out on top, no matter how slow the weight may be to drop.

I have all the time in my life to keep persisting and succeeding at my weight goals, but there is no time like the present to succeed!

As of today, I am 211.8 pounds, which is 46 pounds down from my starting weight of 257 pounds and roughly 40 pounds down from my starting weight upon leaving Weightwatchers for Dr. Amanda's plan.

It has been a great year for me, across the spectum of family, God, personal achievements... I have nothing to complain about and next to nothing to regret.

I took this from a friend on a message board, to summarize this past year:

---Name one thing you've done a lot of this year? Worked out (at least, compared to previous years!).

---What was the best thing you bought? Bras that fit, hands down. It is next to impossible to find my size, and having a professional fitting was SUCH a blessing. I instantly looked ten pounds lighter :)

---What was your biggest achievement of the year? Losing 46 pounds.

---What was your biggest failure? Not getting my kids outside very often, it is such a pain and I avoid it, but they need the fresh air :(

---Where did most of your money go? Paying down debt.

---What did you get really, really, really excited about? My new exercise bike!

---Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier!

b) thinner or heavier? Thinner!

c) richer or poorer? Richer, and very little of that has to do with money!

---What do you wish you’d done more of? Worked out.

---What do you wish you’d done less of? Overindulge!

---Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No, I try not to hate anyone.

---Do you have the same friends this year as you did last? Pretty much.

---What was the best book you read? "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace

---What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I can't remember what I did (go out to dinner with hubby, I think?) but I turned 23.

---What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Calorie free chocolate?

---What would make your job better? Better personal organization.

---How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Fashion? What is this thing you speak of?

---What kept you sane this year? Prayer, definitely.

---What's your favorite way to spend NYE? Curled up on the couch watching movies with my husband!

---Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Shamelessly stolen from the wonderful RockinRobin of 3FC fame: The only thing standing between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.

---What will be your New Years resolution? I don't really 'do' resolutions, but my goals include losing 23 more pounds (at least), having another baby, improving my home management and organization, and just generally being a better wife and mother. It's an ongoing process, no start or end date to most of these, but they are some of the most important things I need to achieve in my life.

God bless this new year!

I've done well the past few days and am feeling MUCH better about my weight gain situation, compared to a week ago. I am down to 212-ish again, and have been feeling much better back on my normal food intake. I've stayed at a good calorie level the past few days and it shows, and I have also been more 'on' with my exercise.

In fact, I cycled about 20 miles over the past two days, and will be strength training my upper body today. I have some strong motivation to step up my weight loss while waiting in between cycles for baby #3, so I am really throwing myself more aggressively into weight loss than normal. I am usually a fan of moderation in all things, but I am putting an extra 15% or so into my weight management efforts to see what I can shed by the end of January. It's a bit of a game with myself, actually :)

I am committed to losing weight anyway, but due to some new information from my husband I have revised my weight milestones just a smidge. You see, we're trying to get on a health savings account and off our current health insurance, and we just got a quote from the company we're looking at. I really want to switch off the current system to one that suits our needs better, so this is what I am now shooting for.

The max weight they will insure for my height is 207, anything above that is excluded from the plan. That is just a stone's throw away, so I consider myself insurable at this point. And since we won't be switching until after another baby is born (so, essentially at beginning of next year, if all goes as planned) my next goal is to get as low in their weight brackets as possible, to get a better rate.

The break points for 5'-2" female are:

207 lbs (max insurable - 40% increase in cost)

189 lbs (20% break point)

172 lbs (10% break point)

160 lbs (no increase - and at this weight I have almost unlimited options to go with other companies)

This is a really important thing for DH and me, and it is super motivating because these weights are so attainable now, even with a pregnancy in the middle. I was really excited with this instance quote because these are tangible numbers I can shoot for that have more than just psychological value to me. We were looking at HSA's two years ago and at 260-ish I was just flat out uninsurable for all intents and purposes, and it was so disheartening. But now all my hard work over this past year has had a real payoff for my family, and something I thought was unattainable for me is now within reach. SO exciting!

My new aim for 2010, considering that I am planning to spend most of the year not actively losing much weight (I'll still try to shoot for a calorie deficit if I am not hungry and eating healthy foods, as much as my midwives will allow) will be 189. That is 23 pounds from where I am today, so if I am really on and lose 2 pounds per week it should be easily achievable in 2010. I have a history of losing weight while pregnant (I am usually lighter the moment I deliver than I was when I got pregnant, and then it drops further when swelling reduces) but even if I gain this time around, I highly doubt it will impact my weight loss significantly. I just don't eat a lot when I am pregnant, probably because I have such a short torso there is simply not enough room for food!

Either way, even with another baby in our plans I am confident and committed to aim for 189 by next January. This isn't a new year's resolution, it's a promise to myself. Even with my perceived 'failings' in 2009, I did VERY well and lost a ton of weight. I am PROUD of myself! And more than that, I proved to myself that it can be done, and it's not even that hard. Just a few good habit changes and some accountability to journal food and even someone like me can lose 45 pounds.

So that's that, then. I am working on my next 23 pounds and cannot WAIT until I get there, as it is a huge rate decrease over the current quote and just that much closer to my ultimate goal. And how convenient, that my high school weight and primary loss goal of 160 also coincides with leaving the 'obese' category and opening up a world of insurance possibilities! I am of the opinion that medical insurance is only supposed to be a tool to manage finanial risk (not cover ever single booboo cost-free) and an HSA is the best tool for the job for our family's goals. Despite my weight now, I greet this as nothing but good news for us and I am really thrilled to have another goal to work toward that is giving me more focus than 'general good health and fitness'. I know I can lose weight and be happy without a hard and fast goal, but I find this both preferable and infinitely attainable.

So here's to my continued progress toward 189 :)

It looks like my net gain after Christmas and leftovers (including, I might add, several pounds of tempting baked goods coming into my home from family) is one pound. I am up to 213.0 this morning, which is WAY down from my salt bloat of 218 on Saturday night. I spent Saturday and Sunday eating as close to on plan as I could, and I think that is responsible for the normalizing of my sodium levels and the shedding of most of that water weight.

It's hard for me to tell, at this point, if I still have any more water weight on or if this is genuine weight gain, because I am stuck in semi-permanent PMS. I have been in my PMS symptoms cycle for two weeks now, which is making me moody and bloated, in addition to the festivities of the past week. At this point I am just considering 213.0 to be as good a starting point as any and working my way back down.

On a partial aside, one thing I AM struggling with right now is disappointment over my December regain. I (somewhat proudly) thought that I could at least maintain my weight or possibly lose again, like I did last Christmas, but the circumstances surrounding this December were crazy enough that I could barely hold on and journal what I DID eat, let alone limit my portions much beyond what I did. I ate sensibly most days, but those days consisted of a lot of calorically dense food. So I am up around 5 pounds for the month, which is depressing me more than I'd like to admit.

I really thought I was beyond beating myself up for my food, but this regain is fairly upsetting considering how hard-won each pound lost has been. It appears that my journey to self love and acceptance has a ways to go yet, but I know I have improved greatly at least in moving forward and not wallowing (or out and out quitting) after a food slipup, even one of this magnitude.

So all personal disappointment aside, I am picking myself up and dusting myself off with the intention of continuing to march forward, on plan and with my head held high. I am still about 45 pounds down from my highest weight, that is a GREAT loss in '09, and one I look forward to continuing each and every day. Frustrations with Christmas ham notwithstanding, I am in this for LIFE and refuse to let myself forget that.

Onward and Downward in 2010!!!

Well. That was a fun, busy, salty day! Small children and Christmas is always fun, but this was a particularly lovely holiday. I ate too much ham and too many sugar cookies. I am pretty sure I laughed too hard. My littlest daughter broke one of daddy's presents from playing too much, and we're way, way, too tired.

It was a good day indeed!

Merry Christmas! (and NO more ham for me - I feel so bloated!)

My weigh-ins since coming home have fluctuated wildly, but this morning I am settling at a solid starting point of 212.0. I was barely grazing 208 when I left (I was just over 209 at my last recorded daily weigh-in) and so considering how drastically different my eating was when I was gone, this is not a terrible or unexpected gain. I'm not thrilled with it, but I am working to get it off and have been for the past few days.

I'll confess, I made sugar cookies for my family to enjoy as their holiday treat and pilfered more than I should have from the haul, but calculated the damage accordingly and did not see any ill effects on the scale (I was over my target daily deficit but not over what is required to maintain my weight). And now, those cookies are off to work with hubby and safely out of my house. I have some control around my favorite sweets, but not strong enough that I can have them around for days on end without gobbling them up, so it is better that I enjoy them in limited quantity and then send them packing so the temptation is gone.

My workout schedule this week is hopefully going to be cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and strength training on Tuesday and Thursday. With a Christmas Eve performance for bell choir and the holiday shuffle, we'll see how well I can stick to it, but it is a starting point nonetheless.

On a related note, Peter and I are going ahead with TTC baby #3, so I have a lot of incentive to lose these extra 10-12 pounds as quickly as I can, so I can still make my goal of being at or below 200 when I am pregnant. We are fudging the timing a bit because I am tired of waiting so that just means I need to work that much harder to achieve my goal.

Whenever I fall pregnant I will talk with my midwives about what sort of food/exercise routine they'd like to see me in. Manny women who are heavy like me can still maintain a daily calorie deficit and exercise with reasonable vigor, so I can expect to lose some weight again while pregnant (as I did, very naturally, with my other two). It won't be at the same rate it was pre-baby, but I think I can get their blessing for running just the slightest deficit, as long as I am eating healthy and not going hungry.

So. It's a start. That's where I am right now, good or bad, and I intend to make the best of it!

Sorry for the extended absense, I am typing away on pilfered Internet, smack in the middle of our vacation.

No weigh-ins for now, as I am away from my scale, but my eating has definitely NOT been conducive to losing any more weight, thanks to a barrage of rich restaurant food almost every meal of the past two weeks.  At this point, if I maintain or only gain a pound or two I'll be pleased and amazed.

I thought this would bother me more, but I can hardly focus on the lack of weight loss when I am having such a busy, good time.  My eating is definitely not where I'd like it, but I will be home in a few more days and life, eating and all, will resume where it left off.

In the meantime, I am thoroughly enjoying the family, friends, AND food on this trip, and there is no amount of vacation bloat that going back to my normal routine can't fix within a few weeks (tops).  This hasn't been a death knell to my diet, I am still dutifully recording my portions and being aware of my eating, approximating calories from unknown foods as best I can.  I also have no intention or desire to maintain this level of calorie intake longer than necessary, I feel more sluggish and bloated than at home.  I haven't chucked my good food habits for all eternity, but I have decided and acted upon some good advice - nothing with food cannot be overcome, and life is too short to overly obsess about food.  This trip has involved lots of food, and just like everything else I am doing my best to work with the blessings I have been given.  

I should have lost most of my travel/salt bloat on Monday when I have my next weigh-in, and I have no idea what the scale might say.  But wherever it lands, I'll just move forward from there the best I can, and I'll be just fine for all my vacation indulgences (tasty as they have been!).

Well it has been a crazy weekend!

Saturday was a fine day, until DH and I went out for dinner and I overstuffed myself. I logged the calories, but the food sat like a lead weight in my gut and left me up FOUR POUNDS the next morning, as it hadn't yet passed through my digestive tract.

In fact, it never did actually make its' way through.

You see, Sunday morning found my husband and I awake after only three hours of sleep, dealing with a vomiting toddler. By the time she was done (roughly four episodes an an hour later) there wasn't a clean blanket or pillow case to be found for her crib, and she was *miserable*. I had to still go to church, as I work in the nursery and had a bell choir performance, but I had been feeling progressively worse since Saturday afternoon and the early morning stress compounded that.

I made it through service and the performance and then headed home right after, with a wickedly upset stomach, and ended up throwing up pretty much everything I had eaten since Friday. It turns out that what my daughter had, I also had, and about 1/4 of our church as well. We had all passed it to each other at an anniversary dinner for our Pastor, that was held Friday night.

So vomity, unhappy, general icky feelings were swirling around the entire congregation, and I was no exception.

After an afternoon spent feeling so achy and weak I couldn't move, and constantly being awoken from sleep due to nausea pangs, I started feeling slightly more human around 6:00 pm. I had a piece of bread and some apple juice for dinner and slept on it, and THANKFULLY it seems both my older daughter and I are feeling better this morning!

Younger daughter is fussing in her crib, so that could either be her being normal and wanting to play, or the beginning of a day of illness. I am obviously praying for the former!

I don't know if my weight is accurate or not - I saw 208 on Thanksgiving, sprung up to 213 on Sunday, and am back down to 208.8 this morning. I'm calling that as my official weigh-in weight, but I would not be shocked if it sprung up a pound or so now that I can eat again. It doesn't really matter, as I am happily back on plan, but a fluctuation would not shock me!

This week is going to be a whirlwind of activity as we prep for our vacation to California on Thursday. Hubby is working a full week and will be gone from 4 am tomorrow to 2 am Wednesday, in Fort Yukon on inspection! Then the rest of Wednesday will be spent at work, for him, then packing furiously, and wheels go up on the plane Thursday morning. I need to make final arrangements with the house sitter, deal with the perishables in the fridge, clean the house, pack up the kids' belongings, and gird my loins for the stress that will be traveling all day through airports with a two year old and a one year old.

Wish me luck, because I am going to need it! The only saving grace is that the illness that was sidelining us does just appear to be a 24 hour bug, so I will hopefully have more energy to deal with all this busyness!

How is everyone doing?

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I always have fun with my kids, husband, and extended family (tasty food doesn't hurt either!).

I overate a bit, but who cares? It was one meal, and I went maybe 1500 calories over my target intake of around 1400. Big deal, one meal won’t make me gain 50 pounds, or even 5. Heck, based on the deficit I was running this week, I probably won’t gain .5! I was up from 208 to 209, which is likely just food sitting in my digestive system. No damage done from one yummy meal, and I'm right back to it.

It’s all about perspective. Food wasn’t my focus, and it still isn’t. I had fun with people I love and food was a joyous part of it. Now we’re back to normal, life marches on. We have a potluck at the church tonight, in celebration of ten years of service by our pastor, and I will approach that the same as I approach all other eating events - write it down, eat mostly healthy choices, don't stuff myself to the gills. Simple and effective, with plenty of flexibility and fun.

How did you do on Thanksgiving? Any particular struggle or victory?

I decided to try on some old jeans, in a variety of sizes from 18W to 14/16M, and it was fascinating that, due to the cut of the hips and where the waist fell on me, many of the 18's fit worse than the 16's in a better style!

But one pair of 16W gray slacks fit well, without significant muffin top (I wore them daily when I worked at Radioshack, back in 2003), and a pair of jeans I got from a church friend button and zipped too. She had done South Beach and shrunk out of them, then given them to me, but they were WAY too tight to even dream of zipping when I got them. Now, however, they fit and are very nearly appropriate for public consumption.

They are... get this.... a 15/16 MISSES pair of Lee jeans! I haven't been able to wear Lee or Levi's for years and years, and despite a bunch of tight Juniors-cut low riders in higher sizes that looked terrible on my post-baby body, these suckers looks pretty darn good, and in another five pounds or so should fit perfectly.

YAY! They were NOT a plus-sized cut! THEY WERE NORMAL!!!!!

It has just been quite a week for clothing in this house, I think :)

Well despite a slight rise in weight Sunday morning, due to a delicious dinner out with hubby the night before, I clocked in a weight this morning of 209.4, which is a new low! I'm down 2.2 pounds from last week and hoping to continue this rate of loss through the end of the month, in time for our trip to see my family down south.

I'll be trying to faithfully log calories when I am gone and maintain my weight, it will be tough given that we will be doing a lot of eating out but I am up for the challenge. If I have maintained or not gained more than a pound or two over the course of being gone, I will be thrilled :)

I am officially looking good in my 14/16 tops, which are the smallest tops I own right now besides a handful of XL's that fit but are a little tight for my tastes. I still have a good 6-8 pairs of jeans that are 14's, 16's, and even some 18's, but are sized in a juniors or regular cut and not women's (more generous in hips and belly) so they have awhile before they fit. I do, however, have one pair of 16's from Venezia that fit well now, as well as my all time FAVORITE shirt. It is a red ruched button-up in a 14/16, and I bought it when I was 16 or 17. It was my POWER top, and the one I loved to wear on things like dates, because it was so flattering on me.

So you can imagine my glee, just the other day, when it fit beautifully! I had a safety pin under the buttons around the bust because I have always had a chest that caused button-ups to gap. I went from this top gapping all over to TAKING OUT THE SAFETY PIN because it was no longer splitting on the top and laid as it should. This is huge.

Hubby was rather pleased to see that top on me, I think, and I was tickled to wear it again. I have whittled my box of too-small clothes from an overflowing 50-gallon rubbermaid tub to 1/4 full of a few pairs of jeans, old bras, and a skirt or two that don't yet fit how I'd like. It's just another sweet, sweet reward to losing weight and one I am so happy to see. Clothes are getting too big, not too small!

I just got some great new Sorel snowboots from REI, so I will be putting on lunch, a new loaf of bread, and then taking the kids out to play in the snow if all goes according to plan. With just my old shoes it was WAY too cold to tromp through the snow and ice with them, and I am excited to enjoy the winter weather with the girls and an old, orange sled.

I hope everyone else's weigh-ins find them as happy as mine did!

For those who aren't up on the lingo, NSV is the acronym for non-scale victory, or rather, all those little things that show your body is changing. It can be anything from running a few miles, to fitting into old clothes, to being able to tie your own shoes without a belly in the way. An SV is just that - a scale victory. I had one of those too, and these factors combined have made my MONTH when it comes to weight control!

Victory #1 - The scale. I got off of said scale this morning and weighed in at 209.8! I am not calling it official unless my weigh in on Monday shows the same thing, but it was very exciting for me. I cannot remember seeing that 'decade' on the scale (I went from 185-ish to 215/220 over two years, with no weigh in in between) and it is a big milestone, as it puts me within spitting distance of my 2010 New Year's goal of being below 200 pounds.

My hope for November was to be in the single digit 200's, so I think I can safely say I have made it, given the way my weight is trending for the month. I am so excited and proud of myself, it has been a monumental achievement to get to this point in my weight journey, and I am looking forward to the MANY scale victories I will see down the road.

Victory #2 - the more exciting NSV. I was digging for some books and my yarn swift in storage area under our laundry room table, when I saw the box with my wedding dress under there. I don't know what I weighed when I got married, but I believe it was in the 210-220 range and I wore a 16/18 (this would be May 2006). I figured it would fit on me, but didn't know if it would be tight, loose, what have you.

I went upstairs and pinned on the petticoat, which overlapped by at least four inches. I didn't want to call my husband upstairs until I had the gown on, so I had to put it on alone. I decided to leave it zipped and slip it over my head to see if it would fit that way.

It did. Fully zipped.

The first thing I noticed was the gaping shoulders and neckline. Then I centered in front of the mirror and pulled it inward at the waist. Mind you, I was wearing shapewear for the wedding, and a dumpy laundry day bra on today. And still, the gown was a good 3-4 inches too loose in the waist and maybe 2 inches in the bust, and GIGANTIC everywhere else.

It not only fit, but three years, two kids, and 50 pounds up and back on the scale and it was at least 1-2 SIZES too big! I had it custom made for me, so it is fascinating to see how my dimensions had changed.

My husband's first comment was that it looked *big*, very ill fitting. He also caveated with the fact that I was more beautiful to him today than I was on the day we got married, and how proud he was of me and loved me. Points to him for compliments :)

So excuse me while I freak out with joy - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I AM *SMALLER* THAN I WAS AS A 19 YEAR OLD BRIDE!!!! YAY!!!!!

One of my big goals, whenever I get down to a size I am really comfortable at (probably in the 130-140 range), is that I want to completely overhaul the gown and have a rededication ceremony with new wedding pictures. The biggest thing I regret about my wedding day is that all I can see when I look at my album is a bloated, self-conscious bride. I know I was beautiful, but I want a set of pictures I am PROUD of.

I am on top of the world!

Diane's fabulous post, over at Fit to the Finish, shamelessly inspired this blog.

I know that an 'all or nothing' mentality is prevalent in the dieting world, and I am so grateful I have been spared it. I don't even know how I missed it except that I was blessed and moved to solid resources and common sense very early on in my weight loss journey.

This is really my one and only official attempt and I haven’t dropped it yet (modified along the way, sure, but not given up once). It would be so heartbreaking to have a massive regain just because I wasn’t measuring up to my mental idea of ‘perfect weightloss’.

The dieting mindset – drop the weight fast through some restriction and then be fit, fabulous, and on your merry way – has to be about the single most destructive lie we’re selling ourselves in the modern era. Teaching self loathing and self hatred never did anyone a bit of real good, even if it motivated a temporary streak of self-flagellating zeal. Helping one’s body with tender care and love, with an eye on things that REALLY matter and goals that are healthy for the body – that is what needs emphasizing to so many struggling people.

The single biggest thing that has prevented me from seeing weight issues as ‘all or nothing’ is realizing that, like everything else in life, this is a progression. My health is a journey without an end – as long as I draw breath, I have chances to improve myself or worsen myself. No decision I am making with food and exercise cannot be undone, so I turn that around to give myself endless hope that, no matter how many times I stumble, I can ALWAYS get back up.

I think, more and more, my dedicated soap box on this topic is that it is never, ever too late. With common sense and moderation, as well as a LOT of patience and understanding of how amazing your body is, you CAN improve your life. You can achieve just about anything if commit yourself to a course of action and do not give up. Especially in the realm of weight management, health is absolutely achievable if you set your sights on it and pursue the goal as your path for life. There will be ups and downs, but ANY choice that moves you in the right direction is a victory, and any choice tha moves you off course is correctable so long as you get back on the wagon and continue on.

You can do it!

For some reason, ever since I got pregnant with my oldest daughter, my immune system has crashed badly.

Growing up, I was that kid who got perfect attendance awards year after year. I had maybe a handful of colds and the flu once or twice, but that was about it. Robust and healthy was a good descriptor of me.

These days I am still fairly robust and quite healthy, but I have been catching everything going around the nursery and getting sicker than most in the process. I don't know why my immune system seems more delicate these days, but I imagine it has less to do with me and more to do with the little munchkins who stick their slobbery fingers in everyone else's mouths and then share it with me. While nobody would look at me and say I look sickly (quite the opposite) the fact remains that I have been in a near-constant state of 'not quite 100%' for months, and just caught another nasty headcold to compound the issue.

We were all sick, but of course it hit me the hardest. I am glad the kids seemed to be stuffy but otherwise happy, I'd rather suffer than them, but it is still obnoxious to be icky all the time. I definitely took my previous good health for granted, and am not making that mistake again. I am STILL remarkably healthy and free of any serious conditions, and I am thankful for that. I grumble about my sniffling and fatigue, but I know full well how good I have it. I do hope I am done with my seasonal illness rotation, but I'll take a dozen cold over something permanently wrong any day of the week!

How does this all relate to weightloss? Quite simply, while I do not think my weight has any correlation to my susceptability to cold and flu viruses, it has a huge impact on my probability of developing many of the top morbidity-causing diseases like diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, etc etc. Improving my health may or may not help me ward off the sniffles, but it isn't the sniffles that will rob my children of their mother! So despite feeling blah about exercise and eating well this week, it is still worth it for me to persist on with it, because this cold/flu/general malaise will pass, but good choices now will help me over the course of my lifetime.

We'll see what the scale does this week - I am hopeful for a loss but know I am retaining water. Depending on how I feel tomorrow morning I may opt for sleep over cycling, but my food will still be on plan. This week was good, all illness aside, and I am hopeful to make it below 200 by the New Year.

So what good choices did you make this past week? Do you modify your routine when you are sick or keep the same daily patterns you otherwise have?

Proof positive that it is never too late to get back on track, even with some indulgences thrown in, I weighed in at 211.8 today.

And if, at any point in this journey, I had thrown in the towel rather than stayed accountable for my eating and logged my food? I'd likely not have lost 45 pounds, but GAINED 15.

It's worth it. I promise.

45 pounds down now, 12 more to go before I reach my first gigantic goal and take a small break from actively losing to try for another munchkin. I can almost TASTE 199!

Quick happy update here - I had a good week, and that needs to be trumpeted. I could have fallen off the wagon or made poor choices, after last weekend... But I didn't. By the grace of God I buckled down and did better. I FEEL better. And I am happily continuing my slow crawl down the scale.

The short stats on happy-as-a-clam me, before I crash for the night:

- I ate within or near my calories this whole week

- I went on the bike and did 9 miles each ride, four of the seven days

- I bought new jeans in size 18 (not a hint of muffin top!)

- I went from a 48DD to a 40-42DD bra since June

- I decides grated zucchini was honest-to-goodness tastier than noodles with all pasta sauces

To put it simply - I win.

PS: I weighed in at 212.2 today. You can't see it but I swear I'm happy dancing on the inside :)

I've meant to blog several times this past week and just not gotten around to it, it's been too busy here.

Short story - no gain, no loss this week. 214.8 as of today, since I forgot to weigh before eating Monday.

Interpretation of this weigh-in? Considering how much I overate during the second half of last week, VICTORY!

To be serious, I made the MOST delicious maple spice cake for my family and then two more batches for a potluck. It was made with a starter, so getting a decent calorie count on it (especially when I don't follow recipes hardly at all for most things) was tough. But when I added it up and then considered how many pieces I had inhaled, I ate far FAR too many calories, even for maintenance, on Friday and Saturday. Halloween candy was not my downfall, I ate a calculated 350 calories worth of that on Saturday... it was this cake of evil deliciousness that I couldn't stop with.

So I learned my lesson - I will continue to make it for my husband and kids, who adored it, but they will get pieces, I may get ONE if it is accounted for, and the rest is going to hubby's office the next day. I just can't have a select few foods in the house without problem, and this one has been added to that blacklist.

Am I upset about the apparent 'plateau' in my sidebar? HECK no!

First off, it's no plateau, despite the desire some have to call any stall in losses 'the dreaded plateau!'. No, that, my friends, is regular old higher-calorie/lower-exercise weight maintenance that would be perfectly expected if you were reading my daily food and exercise journal. The scale fluctuated up to 217 a few days, and considering that I have been doing well with food and exercise since Sunday I would say that I actually did lose half a pound or so of real weight this past week, but it just happened to be half a pound I GAINED in the week prior, so it all broke even in the end.

You know what? I am not the least bit upset or disappointed in myself, and quite the contrary, I ENJOYED the vast majority of those holiday/potluck/social eating calories. I logged them, accounted for them, and refuse to feel guilty for them. That is not healthy food behavior, in my opinion. Healthy food behavior allows for natural highs and lows to eating, with an OVERALL trend toward healthy, calorically balanced fare. I have achieved that, and feel just fine about it. I am back on track and loving it when it comes to eating, and doing MUCH better getting back with exercising again.

Life happens, weight fluctuates. I know I need the permanent accountability of a food journal to keep my normal fluctuations from turning into upward trends, and I am totally okay with that, as I have discussed in previous blogs.

Nothing about enjoying Reformation Night with my friends and family, or a few pieces of Halloween candy and a few too many slices of sinfully delicious spice cake, is the 'end of the world' diet killer in my life. It may sound a bit strange, but there has been an epiphany. The more times I've had calculated or even UNCALCULATED lapses in my food intake, and no long term issues of weight gain or bingeing, the more confident I become in my ability to permanently and successfully manage my weight. It's like the more times I fall and get up, the more sure I become that I won't ever fall down (and spring back up the scale by over 100 pounds above my healthy weight) again.

Weight is CONTROLLABLE, food can still be ENJOYED with a healthy diet, and mild regular exercise feels GOOD. That, to me, is a hugely valuable lesson in and of itself. As long as I don't give up, and am willing to hold myself accountable for the fuel I put into my body, I will progress down the scale and get healthier. I had a great few days on the weekend, totally fun and festive. I'm done partying now, it's not turning into a week or month long binge, and I am back to normal with my eating plan and exercise. It wasn't a few pieces of (ohmygoodnessYUM!) cake that got me over 250 pounds, it was years of not being mindful of what I was eating, or changing my course when I disliked the impact the food was having on my body. Since I have fundamentally changed my mindset regarding food and my overall health, I am just not worried I will fall into that same place again. I can DO this!

So, what changes in mindset have YOU undergone through your weight loss journey? How do you handle a 'slip' in your plan?

This was a comment in response to an amazing blog entry by Diane at Fit to the Finish, and was applicable enough to my current issues that it deserves a repost here:

Life will happen during our weight loss and maintenance, but that is not a reason to regain. We can maintain with focus and commitment.

I am slightly worried about what will happen in the next year. I am PLANNING on having another baby in the middle of my weight loss, when I get below 200, and we want at least four more children, total, if the Lord chooses to bless us with them. While that is a wonderful thing, by it’s very nature it almost requires a little weight gain and disruption to life’s daily pattern. I only hope that I have now solidified the habits that are needed to healthfully drop weight post-baby, so I can make a predictable cycle out of the gain and subsequent recovery.

My husband also JUST decided to go forward with starting a new business while working at his old job. It has been a long time dream of his and he had my total support and excitement, but it requires he be gone additional hours each day to complete the work – from 6 am to 8 pm Monday-Friday, and most of the day Saturday as well. I confess I am worried that in loneliness and stress of managing the kids and house essentially alone that I may slip back into emotional eating. In this case I am just going to grit my teeth and focus – journaling food and lots of prayer are what I need to depend on, rather than the crunch of a chip. So yes, life happens but you and many others prove that one can thrive regardless, and that is what I intend to do.

I agree just need to remember that this is ME, my new normal, not something I have the option of putting off and on when life gets hairy. I planned my habits to fit into the long haul and by the grace of God I will work at maintaining, because the other option is a non-option if I am being a good steward of my body and resources, and focusing on life’s real priorities.

In other news, after getting some more sleep and eating a little less salt I weighed in at 214.8 this morning (this is AFTER eating breakfast) so I know that despite my freakish three pound gain for half the week that I am still on the right track. I also realize that I really do benefit from eating more cleanly when it comes to bread products - moderation and whole grains or I feel like crud! One final tidbit I (re)discovered is that I lose best and feel best when I get my half hour in on the bike, as I did most days this week. Duh, right? I should read my own blogs from time to time to remember what habits got me down this low to begin with!

Many thanks to Diane for sparking this post! I am off to Ladies Craft Night this evening and so need some prayer that I am moderate in my eating during fellowship, but I'm really not too concerned with it in the long haul - I know how to succeed in dropping weight, I just need to get up more times than I fall down. And quite frankly, one night of overdoing it on salsa, chips, and cookies did not make me 120 pounds overweight - it was a plethora of consistent overeating and sedentary behaviors. So while I see no need to gorge during fellowship I also am reminded that enjoying company and food once in a blue moon does not a month-long binge make. I have half a dozen craft nights under my belt with no significant blips in my weight loss, now I just need a lifetime more of the same moderation that got me here and I'll be set!

Well yesterday's weigh-in was 214.6, after being both lower and higher during the week (this morning was 216 because I accidently ate breakfast before my daily weigh-in, whoops!) and just generally flitting all over the scale.

I ate fairly well and should have lost close to 1.5 pounds, but that was not the case. I seem to be holding onto water and just generally up and down in fairly unpredictable ways. So we'll call it sodium, hormones, sleep deprivation, and sick children while waiting out the pattern and seeing if I get a whoosh of weight off in the coming week.

I am bouncing my calories up and down a bit, because I have been hungrier than normal lately and am having a hard time keeping them to around 1500. That's okay, provided the bulk of my eating is healthy fruits and veggies, so I am going to spend this week making sure I am genuinely hungry rather than just eating empty calories before changing my calculations. I worry about 1450-1500 being so low at this point, for me, that I will be starving myself down the road to continue creating a deficit and losing weight, so I am really leaning toward bumping my intake up right now so I can more comfortably drop it in the future. I may just have to lose weight more gradually than 2 pounds per week, once I get under 200 pounds, in order to not feel deprived. My goal is sustainable eating and exercise habits, so I am trying to be sensitive to what my body and instincts are telling me regarding weight and calorie levels. I have to balance my desire to get all this weight off with my practical side that knows I can't drop below a certain daily level. Even now find that when I shoot for 1500 I tend to overeat those by 100-200 calories most days of the week, that could very well just be my body telling me it isn't ready to keep burning comfortably at a 1000 calorie deficit, and I can be okay with that.

Like I said, at this point I need to iron out what is genuine hunger with quality foods and what I could modify to feel more sated while not being deprived of tasty, slightly richer fare. So it is time to refocus on less sweets and more roughage each meal, and I know as long as I don't become anxious my weight will take care of itself. As I acknowledged in the post title, it has just been a weird and stressful week. So my weight being funky to reflect that shouldn't be any big shock.

On the agenda for this morning? I have done one of my bible studies and need to finish the second. Then I am going to get on the bike for 30 minutes, see how I am feeling, and either take a short nap before the kids wake up or do some reading from there. Time to get going!

So just as another cautionary tale in scale usage, and understanding that the number coming up is NOT in fact how much 'fat' you may be losing or gaining from day to day, but just the weight of the bag that is your body and the water it contains - here are my numbers for this week:

Last monday, I was 218.4, which was no change from the previous week despite creating a calorie deficit (though, admittedly, smaller than what I had wanted it to be). This week? 214.8, which is a loss of 3.6 pounds from last week. Did I create over 9000 calories deficit this week? No, HECK no! I ate in such a way that I should have lost about 1.5-2 pounds. But what DID happen is that the bloat and water retention associated with my monthly visitor subsided, so that the true losses of the previous TWO weeks could then become apparent.

Eat sensibly, eat for your health, and understand what the scale is and isn't telling you. These things are so important for long term success. I could have gotten mad or frustrated last week and said 'screw it!' to eating healthfully, fallen off the wagon and into a sugar haze, and then ACTUALLY have stayed the same or even gained to sit at 218 or more. But perseverance and commitment, and a moderate approach to my caloric intake and nutritional balance... these things yield slow, steady results.

As mentioned in a previous post I DO get impatient sometimes, or feel like I am not *really* succeeding as much as I'd like. But that's hogwash, and negativity attempting to undermine the fact that I am experiencing very real victories over a lifelong overeating habit. Not only that, but I am succeeding in a way that I can keep up when my life will inevitably change. THAT means something!

My exercise has been spotty this past week for any number of reasons (excuses). I am not stressing about it for weight management, but for my health I'd like to focus on being committed to that particular path over this next week. I need three good days of being 'on' with my time on the bike, to get my momentum back. I never fully recommitted after my break for being sick (which, darn that swine flu, is still lingering!) and it is MORE than time I focused on my fitness as well as my caloric intake, as my goal is to be HEALTHY rather than 'slim'.

Give me a strong, slightly overweight body to a waif thin weakling who can barely lift an arm ANY DAY of the week! To be strong I have to condition my body to move and like moving. It is okay to take breaks here and there, sure, but I need to get through my head that 'sedentary' is not the lifestyle for me. It's hard, but I am committed to my goal no matter the time it takes, and TOM bloat and lethargy can't stop me!

I'm doing well, just plugging along as always.

Some days it is hard for me to believe I'm really doing it - changing my life and losing weight, improving myself in so many ways across my daily existence. I always figured it would seem more 'momentous' or 'real', being in the midst of such changes. But really, it's just like any other day these days. Somewhere between the plans I made and the place I want to be is little old me - chugging along and turning those plans to actions in a million small ways every day.

I still have to pinch myself sometimes - it feels like I am losing so slowly some days, or not making any progress when I have a night where I overindulge. And yet, I stop myself and put it all in perspective. Since about April, I've lost almost 20% of my original high body weight - 42 pounds as of today. I've become more active, more healthy, more faithful in my daily devotions, a more loving wife and a more selfless and wise mother.

I still have so much work to do and no time limit for doing it - but I think it is important to take a step back from time to time and admire the road already behind us, to invigorate us for the road still ahead. By God's grace and with a lot of prayer, prioritizing, and commitment to hard work, even someone like me has managed to turn her life around and take real, substantive steps toward the person I want to be.

That has to count for something.

This Friday finds me at around 216 pounds (saw 215.8 yesterday!), mostly over the flu that bogged me down for several weeks, waking earlier daily and finishing both my private reading and couples bible study with Peter each morning. I have a pot of Navy Bean soup on the stove, as an excuse to use up the ham bone from last night's dinner and a fresh loaf of bread is just about out of the oven. I'll soon be heading upstairs to work out while the girls continue their naps, and cannot wait to welcome my husband home after his day trip to Valdez.

I don't always succeed on the schedule I desire and things in life worth having often take a great deal of time to achieve - but where I have come from, and where I am this very moment, seem like wonderful places to be.

Okay everyone, despite having a crazy-busy day yesterday and being up very late, I not only got up at 5:00 am, but did bible study with Peter, my own bible time, ate breakfast, saw him off to work, AND did 8.6 miles on the bike. And I managed this all before 7 am!

I am a total nightowl, and gradually trying to reform my habits. So while I have just laid back down to bed for an hour or two, until the girls wake up, I am definitely making progress in the right direction on my home management and time management. It is slow going, but habit changes generally are.

Now, this may be some sort of mental atonement for porking out at a jewelry party with my friends last night (and being too tired to bother guessing calories on homemade party food) but I still think I did great this morning. And as for te calorie counting, I'm back and solid this morning, no harm in not being stickler for one evening meal :)

Go me!

Well it happened - my body decided it needed to adjust to its' new low and threw me into a spell of famine mode with my metabolism. I was extra hungry, genuinely so, most of last week and sluggish for more reasons than illness. I was also very sleep deprived, as I started waking up at 5:00 am with my husband, but was still going to bed quite late.

My weight this week was unchanged at my weigh-in, despite having dropped to 216 in the middle of the week. Still, I'm not too worried. If I just keep plugging along and journaling my food, eating healthy most of the time, and trying to move around each day, I know I'll be fine.

It's a little annoying to be eating more and not see the scale move, but nothing I can't handle. My TOM is coming this week as well, so that probably contributed to some bloat/water retention and craving sugar and bread. We'll see how it looks at this time next week :)

The Fall Equinox Challenge on 3fatchicks is now over, here is the log of how I did week to week.

Starting weight: 238 Goal weight: 220

6/29: 232.4, down 3.6 pounds. I'm sick, so it may be a little low, but I know some of that was definitely real weigh gone. Woohoo!

7/6: 234.6, up 2.2 pounds. Last week was a little low, but I might have gained half a pound from overeating this past week. Oh well!

7/13: 233.6, down a pound this week. Considering I was lazy on exercise that's not too bad!

7/20: 231.6, down 2 pounds. That regular exercising really helps :p

7/27: 230.0, down 1.6 pounds despite a fun food day on Friday. Biked four of the five weekdays.

8/3: 228.4, down 1.6 pounds from last week. Doing well on both food and exercise :)

8/10: 228.4, no change. I think I've been eating a few more bites than I need each meal, and it adds up!

8/17: 227.0 on weigh-in, down to 225 several days later! I started calorie counting more tightly, so we'll see if the loss sticks :)

8/24: 225.4, yay for calorie counting!

8/31: 225.0 - too many planned splurges this week, so not bad considering the overages in calories. I enjoyed myself thoroughly :)

9/7: 223.2, down 1.8 pounds from a week of mostly clean eating. Friday was a little binge-y at dinner due to getting over-hungry, but I got right back in the saddle and kept plodding. My challenge goal is in sight!!!!

9/14: 220.2, I'm at my goal, more or less, for this challenge! YAY! This could be a little dehydration but I'll take it. Time for updated weightloss pictures, too :)

9/21: 219.8 - I MADE MY GOAL!!!! YAY! I was down to 219.2 on Friday but had a heavier food day on Saturday that bloated me a bit. But even though it was only a .4 pound net loss this week, according to the random number generator, I still made it!

I made my goal, obviously, even with my weight logging higher today than what I actually burned in terms of calorie deficit. My loss speed was slow and varied with whatevrer was going on in my life, but it still trended downward and marched onward toward and then over my mini finish line! My sticking to my big changes for this period of time paid off, and I proved to myself that even with some life issues and fun food days with friends I can still keep up and succeed with the healthier habits I have adopted.

I'm not winning any biggest loser style competitions with my weight loss speed, but I have kept it off in real life with real challenges and no herculean amount of effort or unsustainable deprivation. I count that as a success equal or greater in measure than a loss twice as big that would not last. So for this challenge, and this greater weight management method, I must declare myself a wonderful success and am very pleased!

Now - the pictures. They were taken on Saturday, and though the shirt is a little baggy and the jeans need to be shrunk often to not sag off, I think the picture shows some of my progress. To my eye I am disappointed I do not see more change, but that is only because I am completely done with living in a puffy fat suit and wish my body more quickly reflected the changes I have undertaken. I AM getting there, though, and I know I look better for all the work put in!

What was that? Where are the pictures I am speaking of, you say? Well that's the rub, isn't it? I took them and they're sitting on my camera, but my computer has had a meltdown that my brilliant hubby and multiple hardware tests cannot identify the cause of, and keeps looping/freezing/not booting/etc etc. My husband is out of town with the other working laptop (the desktops aren't easily accesible or are running Unix and FreeBSD, so not useful to my iPhoto needs) so repair of my old computer or use of his new one is limited until Thursday. I am typing this ever so slowly on my iPod, but while I can access the Internet those pictures will have to wait to be posted until later. Bad blogger, no cookie!

Exercise is going pretty well, I will be dedicating a blog post to that soon enough!

Okay everyone, I weighed in at 220.2 pounds this morning. That means:

a) I met my goal for the Fall Equinox Challenge a week early

b) I'm down roughly 37-40 pounds since I started this

c) I'm going to take new pictures today or tomorrow

The pictures, especially, I've been so excited for. It has been FOREVER since I have taken any, and from here on out I think I will do them every ten pounds instead of every 20-25, for a better visual record. I'm also going to try them with my arms up on the side shots so I can see the changes in my chunky belly and back better.

I was sick with a killer migraine yesterday and probably a little dehydrated, so I do expect my weight to bounce up by even as much as a pound tomorrow, but I know I definitely DID lose this week and am not surprised it showed on the scale. I think when I see a number with 21_ in front of it I may just die from glee. Whenever the last time I weighed in the 200-220 range was, I didn't have a scale to measure it (it was likely from 2002-2004, when I lived with my dad... so before my second stint at college). My pants are also ridiculously loose, but I think I will wait another 5-10 pounds to go get some new 18's, or see if the one pair of them I own fit. I can button them right now but there is definite muffin top that ain't pretty!

So yay me, victory, another decade I am soon going to be out of for good and only 20 pounds to go until my BIIIIIIIG goal of 200 by Christmas-ish and subsequent go-ahead on trying for a third child. All exciting stuff for me.

Time for me to get ready, get the kids up, do my Bible study, etc etc. Pictures will be posted either late tonight (when hubby can take them) or sometime Tuesday.

... that is actually an exceptionally unremarkable check-in at the end of the week.

I've been feeling cruddy lately, which was no surprise given that my period started up again. Oh joy. Even with the bloat and lethargy I did still manage to stay at 222.8 today, and even got in half an hour on the bike today for the first time in two days. I burst through my next hundred miles to reach 206.5 miles biked on the recumbent, and was pretty proud of myself. I did just over 9.1 miles today, which is a brisk 18 miles an hour on a moderate resistance level. Go me!

I have also been doing very well on my food, I think. Less veggies than I'd personally like, as my fridge is running a bit bare right now, but I am still staying right around my target calories (usually at or within 200 on either side) and making good choices. My next produce box is coming from Full Circle Farm this coming Wednesday and I'd like to pick some stuff up at the Farmer's Market tomorrow as well, but we'll see how that goes. Either way, I am proud of my chugging along, even if the losses are slower than my impatient self would like to see.

I've been feeling a bit off after breakfasts, and I am thinking of trying an experiment to see if I can pinpoint the cause. The last time I felt like this - lethargic, stuffy, with headaches and moodiness - I discovered I had a bunch of food allergies I was exacerbating. Essentially everything that was a core in my diet - yeast, wheat, eggs, soy, dairy, almonds, etc etc - I had varying levels of sensitivity to. By cutting them out of my diet I stopped my inflammatory response to the foods and felt remarkably better. The only real regular dairy I am eating is my half cup or so of yogurt with my granola in the morning. Both yogurt and granola, however, are foods on my list of 'be careful'! I love dairy and love how filling that breakfast is, so I am loathe to switch it up, but I think I may have to.

But I am also a creature of habit with food, and changing my morning habit, especially when most of my other preferable options (like toast, omelettes, etc) also cause similar responses in me. I cant manage oatmeal or most cereals long-term for the same reason, so my challenge is to think up a good breakfast that isn't too light or heavy on the calories and work it in.

Ideally, I'd rotate breakfast items daily on a weekly schedule, so I never ate too much of any one thing in a row, but I just don't have the budget to buy such an assortment of foods without having something go bad too soon, nor do I have fridge space.

I am thinking that eating something solid for breakfast, like fruit, potato, and sausage or something of the like, may be my best bet. I will miss my dairy, but I can put it back in after a few weeks, when my sensitivity has decreased a bit. But I am once again learning that too much for too long a stretch, even of organic, low-sugar yogurt with tons of active cultures, just doesn't make my body feel good. So choosing meals for breakfast that are less... breakfasty.... seems to be my best bet. I may be able to work in some hardboiled eggs as a protein option once or twice a week, but those make me feel awful in shorter order than almost any other food. Drats!

Like anything else in my life, my food sensitivities are something that I can mostly ignore until they start creating problems. And like all the solutions to the things in my life, ignoring doesn't actually get me an outcome I am happy with, and so isn't worth it in the long run. I am just going to have to find a feasible solution to my food dilemmas that fits within my budget and time allowances. I know I can get creative and do it, I just need to commit and make it happen. It is no longer worth feeling like crap all day just to get my one dose of dairy and slightly refined carbohydrates in!

Barring disaster, I'll check in with my weight on Monday and stay on the ball this weekend with my food choices. We'll see!

Based on my caloric overages this past week (granted, I estimate on the high side when I don't have a good measurement available) I lost better than I expected this past week, from 225 to 223.2, a 1.8 pound loss. While I shouldn't have gained this week, I did spend three days rather significantly indulging. Still, I would say 90% of my food choices were nutritionally beneficial, so maybe I shouldn't be so pleasantly surprised.

Either way, it was a good week and after Friday's issues I had a solid food weekend of pretty good choices. No perfection here, but consistently healthy choices and not taking myself too seriously. I'm a moderate kind of person, so moderate loss is just fine by me.

This brings me to approximately 3.2 pounds to go in my Fall Equinox Challenge on 3fatchicks. I wanted to lose 18 pounds from the summer solstice to the fall equinox, taking me from 238 to 220 and keeping me on track to get to 200 by around Christmas, which is one of my few time-dependent goals. I have two weeks left in this challenge and getting to and even surpassing my goal is very doable! I would like to lose 1.6 pounds this week and again the next to meet my goal, and even with a little splurging I should still be able to make it without too much difficulty.

Exercise-wise I am still at around 4-5 days a week of planned activity, so this next week I will focus on making that solidly 5-6 days, mostly of cardio on the bike and with two days being strength training with a video.

So there you have it - me, plodding along as always. Nothing terribly interesting or indulgent today - just playing with the kids and a small barbecue with my husband's parents. Off to do some cooking and cleaning!

Well I'll start with the lesson - I cannot let myself get ravenously hungry. I cannot let myself be out of control around triggering junk food. Being ravenously hungry around triggering junk food is bad.

Thus, tonight was bad.

Friday is our pizza night, so I do plan junk in anyway, but usually I have been home a day and have eaten enough that th pizza is more of a side dish than main course, and I eat a slice or two. Well we went out to Costco tonight, fairly late due to having to do a grocery run (payday was today) for the weekend. Picking up a Costco pizza is no big deal, but being starving with fussy kids and having to hold it all the way home after a long day, is!

So I was shoving pizza in my mouth, the kids' mouths, running in groceries and TRYING to cut up broccoli to cook for something else to eat. I ate mindlessly and a bit out of control, and though I only went over my calories by about 500 (so still within maintenance) I am disappointed I couldn't stop myself with less. Being overly hungry is bad enough, but I can usually slow myself down with healthy food and let my stomach realize it is getting fed before doing serious caloric damage. But that is the problem wih calorically dense and nutritionally weak junk food like pizza - once your stomach realizes it is full, if you're not eating mindfully you consume huge amounts of calories that could have been avoided by eating more frequently and choosing healthier choices.

So to be brief, I consumed:

Approx. four medium slices of pizza

Two cups steamed broccoli

3.5 oz. Turkey lunchmeat

Two tbsp. chocolate chips

One small brownie

It's not the end of the world, but it's the most out of control my eating has been in months (splurges have been within my calories or planned) and is a valuable reminder that eating slowly and mindfully, nutritionally dense food and planning my meals is the way to manage my eating. I logged and overestimated my calories, and it's just a minor, minor blip, but humbling none the less (especially on the heels of a good food day and a loss this morning).

Tomorrow is another day, here's to my regular breakfast and a walk to the farmer's market and butcher in the morning :)

Well yesterday was a blast, though not the best diet day. Courtesy of my husband's work all of us packed up and drove a ways north to spend the afternoon at the Alaska State Fair. We didn't get a ton of stuff in, as the girls are so little and they get overwhelmed/exhausted quickly, but we did see some fun exhibits, eat yummy food, and spend good time with a friend we hardly ever get to see, who drove down from her home to attend.

Food-wise, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and resisted a ton of junk (I think). I did indeed go over my preferred calorie target once dinner at home had been factored in, but it was definitely not a terrible day. Furthermore, while the food was pretty good I found myself LONGING for fresh fruits, veggies, and water. In fact, I kept looking for non-junk for and had a hard time finding it.

I got a smoked turkey leg, since I didn't want much fried food. I gave part to my friend, ate maybe 1/3 of it, and threw the rest away (too much fat and gristle). I also got a snickerdoodle and milk for my toddler, and ate about half of that, too. I had a wonderful order of stewed green beans that my younger daughter was too tired to eat, half an elephant ear (shared the rest with my friend and toddler), a snow cone and a diet coke.

Now, being a long-time overeater, I may be misjudging what is normal indulgent eating at a fair, but I think I did pretty darn good! I estimated on the high side for servings/calories of each item and was still barely over my target calorie quantities once the four miles of walking I did was factored in.

Interestingly enough, I felt terrible after the fair - too much caffeine and sugar, not enough water. At home water is literally all I drink, except a glass of milk or coffee once a week or less. So the diet coke and snow cone did a number on my blood sugar and body chemistry and I felt quite ill (the lack of water exacerbated that). If I could choose I'd definitely take a night out to a nice, healthier restaurant over gorging on unhealthy fair food anyday, and I consider that a victory!

I ate some Mexican Rice and Black Beans before we left, for breakfast, and that was great fuel for most of the day. Despite my caloric intake I was still hungry in the evening when we got home, so I had a serving of Six Spice Chicken Bites with some ranch that needed to be eaten and felt quite a bit better.

On today's menu? A TON of fresh food, back to normal! The fair was fun, but my body needs and deserves better fuel that junk for me to look and feel my best, and I consider that a worthy tradeoff.

Or should I just be annoyed?

Yesterday was a typical on-plan, ho-hum day for me. I ate within my calories more or less (I was one or two over, I think? Hardly noteworthy!), did 30 minutes on the stationary bike (8.8 miles total), got a decent amount of sleep, drank water all day.... very typical for me. And wouldn't you know - as predicted, I was 224 even this morning. I imagine it will go even a few tenths of a pound lower tomorrow, we'll see. Either way, 1.4 pounds from last week is a much more realistic loss, given my food journal and activity level, than losing less than half a pound.

Is this a good thing? Certainly! So what am I annoyed about? Well, I am annoyed that so much of weight management and dieting focuses on numbers on the scale or even dress size. Quantitative data is useful, sure, but I wish more emphasis was placed on healthy and long-term sustainable habits than on achieving a certain amount of weight lost in a certain amount of time. It misses the deeper issues, big picture, AND leads to the famed yo-yo cycle when the given results are not achieved. If more emphasis was placed on aiming for general good health and using food and light activity as a proper tool to do it, I think many men and women could be saved from years of heartbreak regarding their issues with obesity, food addiction, etc etc.

On an aside, I must confess something regarding my exercising, that fits in with my greater philosophy on weight management and health: I am exercising as much as I ever plan to, given where I am in my life.

Sound shocking? Let me explain. Every habit change I undertake, I do so with the mindset of 'can I do this every day for the rest of my life?'. If the answer is 'no', then I know that change is not something I can adapt as is, because I cannot keep it up. Because I am not focused on temporary results, but on maintaining good health for the rest of my life with the skills and habits I am acquiring now, I am unwilling to choose something I will have to replace or drop later.

How does this work in with my exercising? Well, my goal with exercising was not weight loss, primarily, but rather fitness and cardiovascular health through light, daily activity. I wanted to move more consistently, not aim for creating massive calorie deficits or getting shredded through arduous marathon workout sessions. With two small children, and more coming down the road, plus future plans of homeschooling on top of my daily housewife responsibilities I already have, fitting in exercise is any significant block is tough. Furthermore, I am prone to getting burned out if I work myself too long or hard any one day, and that makes the consistency I aim for difficult to achieve.

So through pregnancy, new babies, fussy toddlers, gradeschoolers, and any number of everyday crises to manage, I needed to find a method for activity that I could faithfully adhere to most days of the week. For me, that has been a half hour to 45 minute block of time dedicated to moderate exercise daily. I am doing it right now - biking or working out to a video most weekdays. For me, I am doing all the daily scheduled exercise I can ever see myself doing. I simply don't have time each day to put off my chores or put my kids in a safe place long enough to manage more, without feeling it is more drudgery than enjoyable. I could bike longer and harder, or walk farther, but I don't want to backslide down the road. I would rather shoot for lighter activity and more consistency than winning any endurance or bodybuilding contests.

So right now, I am exactly where I want to be with my exercise. I try to go more intensely or at higher resistence levels using my allotted block of time, but a half hour of moderate, planned activity daily is where I want to be and seems to be the magic combination for getting me to move, and move regularly, without too much exhaustion or burnout. The only area which I wish to improve at this time is scheduling my activity at the same time each morning (earlier than I have been getting up) and being a little more consistent to really do it daily, with just Sundays off. Right now I am not getting it in quite as much as I'd like, but I am well on my way.

This is not to say I don't plan on being more active in life, in general. Quite the opposite - I am trying to move more in daily life through unplanned or spontaneous activity, like walking to the park with my kids or running in the yard. I am eager to move more than I have in the past. But as for schedules, formal activity each day - I KNOW I have to make it a priority, but I also know that 30-ish minutes daily is all I will ever strive for in the foreseeable future. I'm already 80% there on my consistency, and everything else I am very pleased.

So long story short, my Missouri 60 challenge was to exercise consistently each weekday and I am there, for the most part. But you're not going to see me blowing huge amounts of money on gym memberships or classes at this present time, or training for marathons and the like. My life just isn't in the right place for exercise to be any more than a tool I use a little each day to make my body healthier.

I may very well take some classes down the road, or do some event training, but it will we extra, outside of my daily planned slot for working out. It will not likely expand upon that base activity I require for myself. I just can't see doing an hour or more a day until my old age, and sticking with it with the consistency I desire. So I set my sights modestly on moving around, and daily feel the success of committing to and achieving that goal.

Perhaps I should retitle this blog "Moderation In All Things - No, Seriously" instead of its' current moniker? Either way, just as I don't sweat the ups and downs of the electronic number generator, I don't sweat that I am not constantly striving to one-up myself with exercise, either. For me, I know my success is had through consistency and commitment, more than achieving ever-higher goals. I can picture myself a few more babies down the line, radiant and fit and enjoying my days with a half hour of me-time doing my exercises, munching happily on delicious, healthy food, and looking and feeling how I know God intended my body to be. It is a good picture, friends, and one I am plugging away at attaining every day.

I really think everyone endeavoring to lose weight, especially a serious amount, should understand the basic molecular biology behind weight loss and have a loose understanding of nutritional science as well! I say this, because without any concept of what the body is doing to generate those numbers on the scale one might just go batty!

I am at 225, or 224.8 today, somewhere in that vicinity. Did I overeat this weekend by almost 10k calories and gain three pounds of fat from Wednesday? No! Did I only lose a net of .4 from last week? No again! Did I make food choices this weekend that contributed to bloat and water weight? Unfortunately yes!

Friday was my monthly Ladies Craft Night at the church, which is a wonderful time of fellowship, crafting, and junk food with a bunch of amazing women. While I usually have a little higher caloric intake on the weekend, Friday evening was definitely a planned fun day. I even moderated my calories earlier in the day so I had over 700 left for splurging, plus any overages. I over-estimated my caloric intake that night and still managed to stay right around the maintenance level for my body weight, so no huge gain there. But the food I was eating was sugary and salty, and my body does best on the opposite type of nutrition (whole, fresh, mostly plants), so this entire weekend I have been struggling with a lot of bloat, constipation, and generally unhappy tummy issues. Hormonally this is a normal time for me to get backed up as well, so the scale bouncing up with a combination of those factors is no surprise. Some good working out today, more clean, healthy eating, and I should see a more accurate assessment of my actual weight (sans food and bloat) on Wednesday.

Another thing to consider is that I was losing like crazy last week, but the key to long term weight management is allowing your body to adjust - so it is likely that, looking at my weight pattern over the past few months, I will bounce around 223-225 for a few weeks while my body's setpoint adjusts to my new low. No biggie, I'm still consistently losing and feeling healthy, strong, and in control while doing it.

I could get mad at the scale jumping up and down, or frustrated at what looks like a slow loss despite staying on plan very consistently and knowing my biological math in terms of caloric deficits. I could have let Friday's fun food spiral into a binge of epic proportions with huge rebound weight gain as my reward, but I DIDN'T. It's not how many times you fall off the horse that matters, as much as if you always get back on. Your response to your body's weight and weight loss is as important as the method by which you lose it, and I think my body is pretty marvelous.

Weight loss is NOT linear for most people. While I don't believe huge plateaus and rebound weight gain are necessary, I do believe giving the body AND mind time to adjust to a new habit or weight is crucial for long term success. Small, permanent changes are better than the extreme yo-yo cycle most of the country is in when it comes to weight, and I'll take fellowship with friends, some well-earned bloat, and a net loss of .4 today over cabbage soup and ten pounds off in a week (followed by 15 pounds of regain) any day of the week! My overall trend is downward, and time will tell how my approach to loss is working. Weight fluctuates too much daily for me to throw in the towel from one 'unfair' scale reading - but I do believe that my methods are working really well for me in the longer term prospectus.

I am down approximately 35 pounds with no significant regains, gone forever. I wore a top to church yesterday that I couldn't even squeeze into in October, and looked pretty hot in it! I am winning, and still able to enjoy food and my life while doing it. So yay me, and I look foward to seeing 222 on the scale for a longer period of time later this week :)

I weighed in at 222.8 today, which is approximately 35 pounds down from my highest recorded (non-pregnant) weight of 257.

*ahem* WAHOOOOOOOO!!!!

Now that I have that out of the way, I'm off to eat a late breakfast. The only thing I have had issues with lately is getting going in the morning. The kids wake me up but I am not consistently getting ready or working out upon waking, which is one of my big goals. I have been eating breakfast late and working out in the afternoon, generally wasting my early morning more than I want. I need to wake up earlier and be PRODUCTIVE while my kids are asleep, which is something I am working on with my scheduling. But either way, I am at least laying in bed awake after my alarm goes off, but still too tired to get all the way up.

Mind you, this is a HUGE improvement compared to even a month previously, where I would regularly milk sleep until at least 11:00, along with the kids. But despite working hard all day and waking early I am still exhausted and yet cannot sleep at night. I have struggled with insomnia most of my life, and it seems to be making a resurgence. I just cannot turn my mind off, even from enjoyable things, at night. This isn't really impeding my weight loss, but my lack of morning productivity is troublesome to me. So I'm praying I can get the nighttime details ironed out and be lended some strength for accomplishing all I set out to do each morning.

God has brought me this far already in my personal growth (and shrinking!) for His glory, I know he can push me this little bit further, despite a lifetime of struggle with commitment and discipline for work in the morning and rest at night. I have always had these backward, but I cannot afford to give into my own preferences on this anymore, for the sake of order and structure in my household!

So yes, today is a milestone for me, and only two pounds away from one of my other HUGE milestones of 220 pounds. I've made gigantic leaps in my dedication to healthy eating and journaling, and to regular activity and scheduling. I still have a long way to go, but I need to acknowledge my growth thus far and dwell on my blessings in these areas instead of sinking into pessimism about my failings. I have a lifetime ahead of me to get it right, and all I can ask of myself is that I constantly commit to moving in the right direction.

Here's to 35 pounds, at least, in the direction I want to go!

***PS: My apologies for any typos in this blog, there is no spellcheck and no decent way to copy and paste into a word processing program on this iPod, which is where I post from 90% of the time. So if I don't visually catch typos from poking away at this tiny keyboard they WILL show up in the blog. I will continue to try my best at making this as readable and linguistically correct as possible, but no promises of perfection ;)

I really need to update my badge for the Healthy You Challenge! It's kind of a pain, hubby has to hack the site code to augment it and the whole thing just goes over my head, but the GOOD news about my laziness is that my next badge will be 35 pounds gone!

Yes indeed, I am losing quite briskly right now and after lots of good eating and a 9.2 mile recumbent session yesterday I weighed in at 223.4 this morning! Half a pound more and I'll be down 35 since the beginning of this journey, which is really exciting to me :)

I am also only three pounds away from taking my next progress pictures, which I think I will take a bit differently this time. One of my favorite losers on 3FC takes her photos in a doorway, arms out in the frontals and held in front of her body is the side pictures, and it gives a really powerful demonstration of how she's shrinking, as the door looks bigger and bigger. So I think I will try that for my photos and see how it goes. I may also taken them every ten pounds from now on.

As I mentioned in a previous comment, my apologies if comments take awhile to show up - I moderate them to weed out spam and some days I don't make it on to approve comments left. Yet another case of me being a lazy site owner!

As a little aside this latest loss dropped my calories down to 1490, to lose two pounds per week. As I am still primarily eating healthfully but intuitively, I may adjust my Loseit! calorie tally up by choosing to lose less weight each week if my hunger kicks up. This will increase my allowances daily. I figure as long as I'm eating sensibly and healthfully the actual deficit created each week can vary - provided I don't start gaining. Like if I hit a famine cycle and my body needs more calories, raising my totals up to maintenance mode (an extra 1000 a day over what I currently eat) is not only okay but even desireable for periods of time. Taking breaks for constant loss helps my body adjust my setpoint, which is a very good thing and necessary for long term loss.

Anywho, that's my brain dump for the day. Lots of exciting site changes (I'm easily amused, you see) coming over the next few pounds, but overall I am just puttering along daily, journaling and tracking, moving more. I have fully accepted that, for me, I will never eat like a normal person and need to accountability and control of logging my food. Especially being someone who has been heavy for years, not as a result of trauma or stress, I know I have a long term propensity for habits that lead to weight gain, like overeating, and while I could get upset at needing to control my issues, I am honestly accepting it as just one other character-building challenge that shapes my identity.

I am a fat and soon-to-be-former obese woman, and that has shaped my experiences and personality as much as my body. I can't ever 'get off' my diet or eat as I perceive to be 'normal'. For me, it doesn't exist. MY normal is the reality of my body needing active, conscious attention to stay healthy, and that's okay! This is why I have no fear of failure or long term weight gain - my weight will fluctuate within a five pound window once in maintenance, and up however higher with pregnancy, menopause, you name it. But I am attentive and willing to keep plugging away, every day of my life, at the core changes to behavior I have made. I won't give up and backslide, because there's nothing to backslide TO. This is my life, until it ends - to protect and manage this aspect of my health to the best of my ability, by making the reasonable needed changes to maintain a healthy weight. It's not a diet, and it has no end date. Just a progressive journey that I advance on every day that passes.

I'll have good meals and had, lazy days and spot-on active days. But when I wake up every morning, it is always with the goal of taking care of my body and doing whatever needs to be done to be healthy and enjoy my life. I thank God for my amazing body and good health, and it is time I start living as a very blessed and thankful woman should!

I am down 1.8 pounds this week, to 225.4, though my weight Friday was 224.8 - either way, I'm down, and this is despite two days of cookie dough binging (I just can't have that stuff in the house, period) and an afternoon with friends yesterday that involved a few too many slices of French Bread. Even with the eating I didn't plan for, that felt so out of control (and I felt sick afterward) I still only went over my planned calorie allowances by about a thousand calories, which put me at around 2200 for those days. Sounds bad, right? It is, until I calculate that to be about my caloric amount needed to maintain my current weight, and not lose. So even my worst junky overeating didn't make me gain, but rather just made me feel icky with too much sugar.

Overall this was a great eating week. I got a new produce box from Full Circle Farm, I was feeling satisfied and healthful on 1520 calories a day (I usually ate more, because my exercise was added to my daily allowance and gave me an extra small snack) and following both my hunger cues AND general calorie guidelines with no issue. I really am finding, more and more, that this hybrid approach to Dr. Amanda's basic theories is helping me lose well and predictably. Where I deviate from basic calorie counting is if I am still hungry, genuinely hungry, after a day of healthful eating I will simply eat more until I am satisfied, and have no problem with the occasional day like Sunday where I went over my calories having fun with friends. I am eating, right now, to lose two-ish pounds per week, so I can still go a good ways over that caloric amount and not gain. I like having the freedom to track my food loosely, but not have to measure out every last calorie to lose. That, and recognizing my hunger and satiety signals as well as move more every day is the blessing I've had from Dr. Amanda. But being able to have some solid numbers to see how my healthy food choices add up, and where my intuitive eating leaves me on the calories in vs. calories out equation is that additional step that I think will help me through the rest of my life. The joint awareness of my body's signals coupled with the real nutritional impact of food is that missing link in the equation to help me lose weight. I am committed, being healthy is already a habit I have no desire to stop, but calorie counting has helped me lose a bit more quickly/predictably than JUST satiety signals, perhaps because of food choices.

Either way, I am thrilled with the results and the progress I am seeing. Slowly, very slowly, I keep moving downward and closer to the size, shape, and health level I want to be at. 25 more pounds to go, and then I can put my new lifestyle to the test through another pregnancy! I am not worried, just excited to be so much more mobile through pregnancy than I was before.

And speaking of goals achieved, I just made a HUGE personal goal for myself, and one that I am committed to never having to re-make: I NOW WEIGH LESS THAN MY HUSBAND!!!!! Break out the party poppers and confetti everyone, because for the first time since meeting him I am officially lighter than Peter :). He weighed in at 226 last week, and I am now solidly 225. This is a very meaningful goal for me - I swear I felt noticeably more feminine the moment I saw his number on the scale, and I hear a little voice in my mind whispering that this feeling is how it SHOULD be! No shame for being so fat, or embarassment that a man a foot taller than me is lighter, but feeling like the pretty, petite young wife I know I am. I am ridiculously proud of this milestone, and thankful that I am only getting farther away from his weight, not closer. After the trials this week, I truly have no fear of rebound weight gain, and thank Dr. Amanda for freeing me from that with her hard-won research on the subject.

It's no longer a matter of being able to do it - I AM doing it! I am actively winning a fight that has consumed half my life and robbed me of a lot of experiences and joy. No more! It's a lifelong state of being, but I wouldn't go back to my previous ways of eating for all the cookie dough in the world. I may maintain my weight during my weight loss, and adjust things as needed, but I will never go back to where I was. It's not an option for me anymore.

Weighed in today at 226.0. Go figure, eh? We'll see what I am at on my official weigh-in this Friday. I have stuck like glue to a solid calorie budget, and haven't been hungry, so there's no reason I shouldn't be losing, but it always annoys me to be done a ton more after I just weighed in and reported :)

On a tiny aside - Roni's Six Spice Chicken Bites on Green Lite Bites is phenomenal! I made it for dinner last night and it was fast and delicious.

I also did 8 miles on the bike last night, so maybe that contributed to the weight loss? Either way, assuming this morning wasn't a fluke of dehydration, I now have only six more pounds to my next mini-goal and, consequently, my next set of progress pictures. It is also my goal for the Fall Equinox Challenge on 3FC, so 220 is just a great milestone all the way around.

Well I have been all over the scale this week thanks to TOM water retention, and it's quite obnoxious! My last Friday weigh-in (that I forgot to record here, sorry) was up to 229, though I was within my "losing" calorie range with decent activity all week. Eating the same, no special activity this weekend, and I am down two pounds this morning, even after some food! It makes it very hard to gauge my progress accurately, but as long as it is not a sustained, 'real' gain due to overeating I am happy in the end.

I have been engaging in more non-hunger related eating the past two weeks, but only by a dessert or few extra bites. It isn't really stopping my weight loss but I still want to curtail that sort of eating most days, as it's not listening to my body and responding the way I am supposed to. Though I am tracking my calories, in the end I am still relying on sensible, healthy eating in moderate quantities to be what keeps me losing or at a healthy weight. I may not want to track calories the rest of my life, but my body's natural systems haven't lead my astray yet, unless I ignore them. I still firmly believe Dr. Amanda's methods are what is going to keep me from ever sliding back up the scale. I am committed, with all my being, to continuing to be healthy. And you know what? It's been four months of consistently maintaining or losing weight, without any unsustainable effort. Yeah, it's slow loss. But it's working! And in the end, I'd rather have a tenth of a pound and half an inch gone for good than lose 20 pounds in six weeks and have it, and a few extra friends, pack back on due to an uncontrolled binge after so much deprivation.

I do believe 'depriving' myself is necessary, as someone who wants to be a healthy adult - it was never deprivig myself of things I wanted that got me here to begin with! But while I may be depriving myself of a second helping (that I didn't really need), or choosing healthier and more filling options for breakfast and lunch (that give me more energy anyway) I think that good health and quality of life is worth it! I am civic myself infinitely more now than I ever was before, when I had what I wanted and when I wanted it. The payoff of better health is worth any small caloric sacrifice.

And given that I both look and feel better now, inside AND out, I'd say the real deprivation was what I was doing BEFORE changing my life for the better, not after. I have the rest of my life ahead of me - and it is a life I refuse to spend fat, sluggish, lazy and depressed. I am happy and healthy and that is how I pray the Lord will help me stay.

Put, put, puttering along here!

I'm eating and exercising just fine during the week, but consuming just a bit more food and a bit less fresh produce to be satisfied on the weekends, partially due to a disrupted routine and partially just out of being a bit lax with my days. I tend not to do formal exercise on the weekends, either, which I do desire to change.

My weight loss is steady during weekdays and I balloon up with sodium and carbs on Saturday and Sunday - I haven't quite decided if I want to change this yet, honestly, as I am not *gaining* so much as just maintaining my weekday efforts, but I would at least like to exercise Saturday, if not Sunday. How do I achieve this, you ask? Same as every other thing I want to accomplish in my day - I schedule it in! The food is just a matter of a little more veggies and a few less 3's on my satiety journal, but the exercise is just a matter of making it a priority, simple as that.

I am slowly, but surely, working on scheduling my days in general. In order to accomplish everything I need to get done for the girls and myself I realize that I cannot be one of those housewives who just wings it and is lackadaisical with the daily tasks. I thrive on order - not too rigid, but general dedicated blocks of time seem to work the best for me. Some people find schedules stifling and that's perfectly fine, but I have found I end up accomplishing more AND having more free time, because things are accomplished efficiently and I am not dawdling and so more free time is available when things are done. I also feel more energetic and proud of myself after a balanced day of 'work' is achieved. All in all I feel better about myself and make better choices when I have a system in place, and given that I will need more order once I begin homeschooling anyway, planting those good habits now is a win/win.

Scheduling requires some dedication, but all things worth having generally do. I eat more healthfully and mindfully when my time is scheduled, and make better choices when I have things planned out, and I am also more faithful to exercising when I have a block of time duly dedicated to it.

So to combat my weekend habit slips, I just need to start mentally treating them as every other valuabl block of my time - designating certain slots to certain activities and focusing on being productive, happy, healthy, and attentive to my own needs in addition to everyone else's.

I used to think scheduling was evil, stressful, inflexible... Now, as I have matured, I realize what a true boon it is as a tool for achieving my personal and family goals. Successful home and self-management makes me and my family happy - laziness and disorder aren't worth the temporary payoff they seem to give. I attain truer and longer term joy from what I can achieve with a little forethought, dedication, and gumption. I know this intellectually, so now I just need to apply it more.

As an aside, this past weekend and the day or two preceeding it were lazy, no-exercise days. And heck if I didn't feel lethargic and snippy as a result! I truly am happier when "on-plan". I ate well today and biked 15.2 miles yesterday and today - rinse and repeat each day for the rest of my life :)

Well, today officially marks my chunky rear having done over 100 miles on my stationary bike (104.4 miles since 7/15/09, to be specific). I am averaging working out 4-5 days a week and loving it, feeling great, and the scale slowly but surely shows the work I am putting in.

Nothing extreme, nothing too rigid, nothing fast (and consequently, nothing I am having difficulty maintaining) - just slow and steady winning the race.

I am very proud of the work I have put in and will continue to put it, but I am not celebrating *too* much, as there are still areas I need to improve in. I want to add even MORE fruits and veggies in place of other foods, and less non-hungry eating. I have improved immensely in these areas since I started and my food journal shows it, but I know I can do better. I am well on my way, just a few more simple changes are what I need.

Yay me! Onward and downward I go :)

I just got off the bike for the day, and did 7.7 miles that felt quite moderate in pace. It was a good "break" from my usual workout (just slightly less speed put into it) without fallig off the wagon and not moving at all.

The power was out all morning, so I opened the fridge as little as possible and had a hardboiled egg, oatmeal, and some cheese for breakfast. It was long and ridiculously boring without any music playing, news going, or Internet, but I managed to survive long enough for everything to switch back on after a few hours. I would have worked out THEN, and even tried to do so, but guess whose stationary bike runs on an adapter instead of batteries? Oh yes, that'd be me. And this was one of the few times of the year I wished that were the case (batteries get awfully expensive long term, after all!).

Peter is out of town on business this whole day, so I am grateful it was not a longer outage as he has the only car. Things have a funny way of working out, I suppose.

Not much more to ramble on about. Lunch will be carrots and bell peppers with a little Caesar dressing for a dip, an apple and a boca burger. Dinner will be leftover lentils and rice with broccoli, green beans, and yogurt. Boring to some people, I find both meals quite satisfying :)

I'll check back in tomorrow with an exciting little milestone/update. Until then!

I am down to an average of 228.4 right now, from 230 last week(ish). One pound and some change away from my next milestone, which is 30 pounds lost!

I just got off the bike after a weekend break and did 8 good miles in half an hour. I am also feeling less winded during the workout despite going faster AND on higher resistence levels, so I know my fitness and health is genuinely improving with the effort I am putting in, along with slow, solid losses.

I am officially saying sayonara to the 230's, as even my worst fluctuations with water and food don't drive me out of the 220's in any meaningful way. It feels SO darn good to be where I am and I know each additional set of 10 pounds lost will feel (and look) exponentially better.

Speaking of looks, though I have been getting compliments for awhile, I think this past Sunday morning was the first day I really noticed my weight loss in my body in the mirror. My face looked genuinely slimmer, even to my reluctant eye, and my clothes were smooth and attractive on me (they'd gapped horribly in the bust before, and been uncomfortably tight to the point of me being self-conscious) and I know I looked healthier, happier, and prettier than I have in a long time (at least since Juneau, if not before we got married). It takes my eyes so much longer to notice changes in my body than for others to notice, so this was a pleasant change for me. Even if I dont make it to 200 before Christmas I know my family's jaws will drop when they see me, and that is a very satisfying feeling.

I've been doing well on both food and exercise, and feel great too. Can't ask for much more than that! Off to cool dinner.

Well to cut to the chase, my weight today was 229. This is likely more accurate than yesterday's weight of 230, because right after that weigh-in I realized I had some *ahem* extra weight in my digestive system that was accounting for some of that. Post-workout, water, AND breakfast I was 229.9 yesterday, so I think my weight was more accurate today (especially given that I saw some 220's last week, too!).

It's no big deal to anyone but me, as the 220 range gives me conniptions of happiness, but it does reinforce what a fickle mistress the Electronic Number Generator can be. It is good for a general assessment, but 1-3 pound swings on either side are quite normal and not indicative of any real gain or loss of fat without other measurements (like eating habits, stamina, or inches) being taken in to account

I did well last week and my body lost some fat. Whether it was 1.6 or 2.6 pounds is entirely unknown, but is also entirely immaterial. I LOST!!! And darn it, even if it is a tenth of a gram it is still progress toward health, better self esteem, more attractive appearance and the place I want to be. I can quibble which number is 'correct' until the cows come home, but it means little beyond my own personal goals (the 220 range being a BIG one) and the speed at which I arrive at my arbitrary weight benchmarks.

It would be nice to think that, even with some fun food on Friday I managed to shed 2.6 pounds, and given my TOM bloat the previous week it is even likely; but ultimately it is the direction the scale is going that is more important, more than the speed at which it progresses that way. I have been exercising and eating healthfully and mindfully the majority of the time, so it is no real surprise that the scale reflects that. Still, I have to give myself a big pat on the back for another good set of choices.

Speaking of good choices, I unfortunately stayed awake very late last night reading, and was too tired to wake up and exercise. Does this mean I just won't do it today? NO! This is part of what I am very successfully changing with the Missouri 60 challenge - in the past I'd just chalk it up to a missed opportunity and work out tomorrow, but I need and want to do this. Thus, instead of shrugging or making excuses for my laziness, I am just going to make time for that half hour of 'me-time' when the kids are napping this afternoon. My habits ARE changing, and I am so grateful for that.

It is these small, continual, sustainable lifestyle changes that are getting me where I want to be. Not bariatric surgery, a special mail-order food plan, weight loss pills or some fad, but sensible and healthy choices every day, little by little. I in no way decry or disdain the aforementioned health choices - they save LIVES and self esteem for some individuals -but as I have talked about before, those things were just not for me. I needed a solution that would be for life, would work during pregnancy and breastfeeding, be flexible enough that I didn't go nuts or deprive my family of their enjoyment of food, and one that made me an overall healthier person.

For me, "The Don't Go Hungry Diet" has been the solution I had been praying for, but your mileage may vary. Any diet works if it creates a calorie deficit... Where the rub comes in is finding one that works for YOU and your life, and one that will not jeopardize your greater health for the lesser goal of weight control. This is one of those things that every individual needs to decide, but I am just thanking God that I found the thing that is saving me so early in my weightloss journey.

The scale may be a fickle mistress and plans sometimes go awry, but as always I am the culmination of a thousand small choices and every day have a new opportunity to move myself in the direction I truly want to go. Amen for that!

As a small aside; new weight comparison photos will be taken once I hit 220 pounds even (so roughly nine pounds away, however long that will take me) and I HOPE will show me the difference in my body everyone else seems to notice :). I know I am feeling better and clothes are dropping in sizes, but my eyes don't quite see the change just yet. So more retina-searing fat images to come!

Off to exercise this morning, but I wanted to update my weightloss. Though I water-fluctuated down to 229 this past week, on my official weigh day this morning I am down to a solid 230.0, which is a perfectly respectable 1.6 pound loss from last week. Friday was a fun food and fellowship day wth friends and I missed exercising on Friday and Saturday, but was otherwise on plan.

Chugging along is slow, but sustainable. A fun day did NOT throw me off kilter and I know I can do what I am doing for the rest of my life, which is exactly what Dr. Amanda aims for. I know this will get me where I want to be, even if I am not the first to cross the finish line. My goal is more to never have to regain lost weight outside of pregnancy, and other than natural water fluctuations I'd say I am doing a darn good job of achieving that goal, however slow it may be.

In other quick news, my younget daughter turned one on Thursday, I can't believe she's growing up so fast! Happy birthday Lilah, I love you!

Off to cycle for half an hour.

*** Update ***

Went rigorously on the bike for 30 min - 7.7 miles, 209 calores burned. I have found I definItely prefer spinning to harder resistence levels on the bike, I get a lot of knee fatigue when the resistance hits level 4 and above. I just shoot for over 100 RPMs and that keeps my heartrate in the 140-150 range, which is solidly aerobic for me.

Breakfast was flax granola, plain yogurt, and a banana on the side. As always, I am a huge water drinker. Except for the occasional glass of milk or soymilk and a cup of coffee every week or two, I drink plain water exclusively. Let's just say that soda didn't make me fat :). But the water up here is so tasty it is a pleasure to drink it straight from the tap. Mmmm!

Though I am now generally opposed to measuring out food if using that measurement to artificially limit my body's food intake (ignoring hunger cues) I decided to loosely track my calories today just to see how I was doing, curious as to how much I am eating. So I added a wonderful little calorie counting App to my Ipod Touch called "Lose It!" and I must say I am pleased thus far by my intake.

To lose two pounds a week according to the App I need to consume around 1540 calories each day. To lose 1.5 pounds per week I can bump it up to 1797 calories, and so on and so forth. 1500 seems pretty doable if I eat really cleanly and heavy on the vegetables, but it looks like I actually have a very comfortable amount of calories I can consume and still lose. While I'd like to lose two pounds per week, especially given how slow my losses have been lately, I won't be able to maintain that in a famine period, where my body is adjusting to a lower weight. But I've been eating, or rather snacking and overeating, a bit more than my body needs of late, so I think consciously cutting out extraneous bites again is helpful. But if my body is giving my hunger signals beyond what I am eating, such as cravings, I am going to bow to that over the calorie count.

Anyway, it is a great App, and free! Free and functional are very good things, you see.

I did 30 min on the bike this afternoon and burned 211 calories, which also gives me a higher allowance in Lose It! that I appreciate, but overall today I am doing really well. Yay!

I officially joined Diana's (Scale Junkie) Healthy You challenge today, and along with the Fall Equinox weightloss challenge on 3FC and Tony's (the AntiJared) Missouri 60 challenge, I have three extra motivations to keep on the path.

I lost exactly two pounds this past week, which is great considering it's my TOM right now (ugh.) and exercised every day but Saturday. I feel pretty darn good and my eating was on track as well, which generally makes me really proud of myself.

As a little side victory today, I not only got in a fast half hour on the bike this morning, but I was bored and decided to do another 30 min this evening on there as well. I was in 70/80% of my mac heartrate, which is nice and aerobic, but the resistence cycled up as well. I went over 15 miles today, when I could have kept sleeping or watched tv. If that isn't working toward my goal of daily, solid exercise then I don't know what is!

If I keep my food reasonable and continue with my exercise daily, there's no reason I shouldn't see the 220's next week. I haven't seen those in SO long, and it's so close I can taste it! I may be losing slowly compared to some, but gosh darnit I am NOT regaining and NOT making choices that don't promote my health. I am aware that I really should work some strength training, especially upper body, in with my cardio to gain muscle all over, but baby steps seem to work the best with me. I'm exercising solidly every day, and for me that is a good enough effort to hang my hat on for the time being. I want to make a good habit of waking to work out before I start changing it up, and I really love the bike.

Off to shower and relax before bed :)

I made pretty good choices yesterday, and am doing well this morning. I didn't mean to, but I have been up from about 5:30 on, thanks to my oldest daughter yelling in her crib (for no good reason, too!). I played on the Internet for an hour and ate breakfast before working out. Kashi with soymilk, a yogurt, and hardboiled egg make good, reasonably light fuel that doesn't make my stomach upset, and leaves me more satisfied than most other breakfast choices I could make.

I got to working out a little after 8:00, and while I considered doing more time, I ended up settling on 30 min on a light-to-moderate program setting called 'Rolling Hills' which gave me a decent heartrate (138 bpm average) but wasn't a struggle. On this particular ride I burned 206 calories, and perhaps the only downside of the cycling is that I am burning about half as many calories in the same amount of time as I do while powerwalking.

Given the choice between pushing myself hard and facing burnout or keeping it moderate and not burning as many calories, going moderate seems like a better idea considering that I am trying to make a habit of daily movement, more than training. I still have yet to figure out if my next step should be to up the intensity or the duration, and what the effects of each change would be. I hypothesize that lengthening the workout would burn more fat (spinning more for cardio, essentially) whereas upping the resistance would do more in terms of strength training.

Anyone know the answer as to what would be more of a calorie burn - resistance or duration?

Either way, I am darn proud of myself for choosing to workout when I could have slept. I am exhausted and will try to catch some zzz's while the kids are still in bed, then continue my pattern of positive choices throughout the rest of the day.

***Update*** I found this article explaining the whole target heartrate/intensity/duration thing: The Truth About the Fat Burning Zone

It looks like going longer and slightly more intense will be fine, so I will work to raise my time next week to 45 minutes, then raise it to an hour in August if all goes well. I'll fiddle with the intensity once I see how I feel with that duration.

Though I lazed out again yesterday afternoon (I have excuses but no need to make them right now - suffice to say I didn't make exercise a priority like I should have) I am thrilled to report that, not only did my wonderful hubby pick me up a great recumbent from Sears, but I am up BEFORE 8:00 am to ride it! Granted, it was rabbling kids who woke me up but they're mostly quiet now. I am SO excited to get this workout in and will be taking it one morning at a time.

It does annoy me that I can't seem to wake up before the kids, no matter when my alarm is set, but they've been extra-poor sleepers lately. Knowing they need to be asleep at least two hours longer than they are makes me feel a bit better about leaving them to play in their cribs while I get a half hour of me-time to work out.

Off to go get some fuel for breakfast and then to get the blood pumping with the bike. Toodles!

***Update*** I just got off the bike after 30 minutes of a moderate workout. 7 miles biked, 156 calories burned. Now I just need to rinse and repeat five days a week and I'll be set!

Well I lazed out on my exercise yesterday, though my food was decent (I should have had some vegetables in place of additional protein, especially when I felt icky after eating said protein). I need to do better, and thankfully I have a chance to do so as long as I don't give up. Today I will be trying to bike the girls down to the park (which should be cleared after the Bear Paw Festival that was held there this weekend) and will aim for some marching in place this afternoon as well.

My wonderful husband tried to pick me up my recumbent bike last night, but the 'help' at Sports Authority wasn't much help at all. This particular branch is new and thus some of this guys' idiocy can be blamed on him being a bit of a novice... But from my husband's reporting, everytime this guy tried to demonstrate the dimensions of the box (Peter was trying to figure out if it would fit in the car) the width got wider, the girth was greater, and the length, progressively longer. He left the store without it due to frustration and lack of transport ability, and it all worked out for the best. We discovered comparable and nicer bikes at Sears online last night for better prices, so hubby will be investigating this evening.

If all else fails we can borrow my father-in-law's SUV to transport a box if it is too large for our humble vehicle. Either way, no more dealing with morons at overpriced sporting goods stores.

So yeah, I'm going to do better on my exercise today and keep moving forward. I am not losing weight quickly, but I'll take steady, permanent loss to a pound-dropping sprint anyday! And whenever I actually get a bike to help with my loss I am looking forward to slightly quicker shedding of the weight, but I am still keeping my eyes on the prize - good habit change and 90% adherence to a healthy lifestyle. That will get me where I want to be.

Well today's weigh-in revealed what I speculated on last week - while the scale can show fluctuations one way or the other due to any number of metabolic reasons, my overall progress and fitness is good and I am slowly, but surely, heading in the direction I want. Down 1.4 pounds this week despite being a little lower on my exercise goal than I'd have liked.

220's here I come! Once I hit 220 I will take another progress picture, and hope to take one every 20 pounds from there.

More brief good news, in response to a long-held desire of mine and an unexpected windfall I will be getting a recumbent exercise bike sometime this week to help with my fitness. I am having some trouble with my foot that is impeding walking (it feels like a stress fracture, honestly, probably from doing too much, too fast, with my intial walking) and I have to contend with sound issues in my house during morning workouts. The no-impact and silent nature of this bike will be such a blessing. Ideally I wanted a treadmill, but space issues and cost have made this difficult for us. I have come to the conclusion that God really does know better than me, as much as I love walking a bike is more suitable to my life and health right now. I need to vary my exercise anyway.

As part of a challenge on my friend Tony's site (the Antijared, over on the sidebar), I am in the midst of a 60 day challenge to change a part of my life. I chose regular exercise as the lifestyle change I am undertaking for this challenge. My goal is 3 miles of walking or half an hour of cardio (or an hour of strength training, if I am doing Callanetics) five days a week.

I haven't made the level of consistency I want yet, but today is yet another chance to make a good choice with my exercise.

Onward and downward!

... Otherwise known as The Scale.

My thoughts on it? It is a useful tool, but I'm not going to live and die by the number, and pin my daily mood or self esteem onto whatever number it throws out there. It is good for catching a trend, and good for accountability, but as much as I am a consummate daily weigher I see the absolute wisdom in Dr. Amanda's suggestion of only weighing once or twice a month at most.

The scale has been up for me this week, but did I really gain three pounds in one week of decent eating and slightly lazy exercise? No way. I did NOT overeat by 11,000 calories (I don't think I even ATE that many calories last week, let alone ate them on top of my normal intake) and gain three pounds of fat. If I lived by the number on the scale I'd be despairing a bit right now, but instead I think it is a good lesson to remember.

You see, last week I was sick and perhaps a bit dehydrated, and my scale showed an almost four pound loss from the week prior. I did good, but not THAT good! In the scheme of things it is much more likely that this number is an outlier, than that I gained any significant weight recently. I journal my food and exercise, and by and large have been doing VERY well, with just a little overeating I am working on this week.

Instead of comparing my 'gain' this week to my loss last week, I am going to look at the overall trend. Two weeks ago I was 236.8 pounds. I had a really good week and then a decent week following, and from THAT number I am down 1.8 pounds for two weeks, which is slow and respectable weight loss. If next week's weight is down a little instead of up then I know I am doing just fine, but if next week's weight is unchanged or up again I know I undoubtedly need to move a little more and make sure I am not overeating or eating junk. The scale is a great tool, but only when used in the proper context. And by my estimations, I am far from a failure by it just yet.

99% of the dieting battle is continuing on when you slip or have a bad day. I could let that 'gain' make me depressed and discouraged, go "What the hell, I'm fat anyway, I may as well binge since I can't ever lose the weight!" and descend into overeating to deal with my disappointment. But as far as I can tell, that behavior is what separates a failure, a yo-yo dieter, from a success story. As long as I never give up and throw in the towel I am winning. As long as every choice I make is viewed as another chance to succeed, and that my weightloss is not some monumental effort that can fail at a moment's notice, but rather an ongoing and cumulative process that I have the rest of my life to work on; I can succeed.

My jeans don't lie - that size drop was a real victory. My increased stamina and enjoyment of activity is no fluke, but progress toward the woman I want to be. And darnit, it may have been slow and with a few stalls, but I have solidly, truly, and forever lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 20-25 pounds of fat. That is two of those HUGE sacks of potatoes at the grocery store, gone from my body forever. I am 1/4 of the way to my ultimate goal, and I know that as long as I don't throw in the towel and drop all my healthy habits and choices, I WILL beat this obesity monster that has preyed on me most of my life.

The electronic number generator is fickle - it doesn't discern water weight, glycogen, processing food or anything else from genuine fat weight or percentages. It WILL fluctuate meal by meal, day to day. It is a tool that is valuable for assigning a number to weight loss, especially when inches are dropping in odd places, but it is not the end-all, be-all. That scale will NOT take away from the very real victory in how far I've come, and that I am showing a generally good pattern of loss over the past few months.

I do have some areas I am not thrilled with my progress in lately, namely exercising this past week. But just because I haven't woken up in the morning to do it doesn't mean it can't be done that day. During naptime for the kids, watching tv... one way or another I WILL get in three miles of walking, five days a week. That is my challenge to myself, and it is non-negotiable for my good health. I'll report back in with my progress in that area over the next few days.

Bye for now!

I went to buy new jeans today, as my old ones were falling off. I bought the previous pair in October and they were an unattractively tight 22 (I should have bought a 24 but got them online and didn't want to return them).

Imagine my surprise when buying my jeans today (Liz and Co. brand, very well cut) when I could fit comfortably into a 20 and a little tightly in an 18! I've lost around 25 pounds and can't really see it, but the pants don't lie.

Though the 18s would button, the 20s were much more flattering, so I bought two pair in different washes. I am determined to keep losing (and need to do a little better on my food quantities in the meantime) and am aiming for my next pair to be size 16!

So, notice the large weight drop this week, after a few plateaus? That would be me discovering the obvious.

I began a new workout regimen of walking 3-5 miles a day with Leslie Sansone videos. And despite a somewhat poor eating weekend and missing three days of it, and also discounting that I am sick and likely a little dehydrated, I lost at least two pounds reliably this week. Those workouts are not super high intensity, but the duration of them (45 minutes to an hour) and the aerobic intensity is a really strong fat burning combo. I love them, and they're very easy to do.

My only real challenges are a) keep doing them even when I am sick, and b) try to find the time to do them. I have been setting my alarm to wake up early to do them, but the girls have been waking earlier as well and the stomping of the steps can easily wake them up. The only way to quiet it down is working on an exercise mat with shoes or work barefoot, but both cause me ankle problem and stability issues. Thus far a mat with shoes has been the winner, but it's not an ideal solution.

The weather and my procrastination has prevented me from taking the girls down to the park lately, but ideally I'd love to get a good three miles in with Leslie plus a walk with the kids. That, plus eating to my hunger cues, would have the weight melting off even more, and me feeling great.

But I can't downplay that for all my diet choices and bouts of inactivity lately, I have lost more weight than I ever have before in my life, and by a long shot! I have lost 25 pounds and my first 10% of my body weight! WOOHOO! I AM succeeding, even if it doesn't always feel like it. I am just trying to take it one good choice at a time and regular exercise, just as Dr. Amanda advocates and all common sense suggests, really does aid in weight loss and greatly improves how I feel each day. Go figure, right?

Everyone has those milestones that are important to them - to wear that dress or those jeans again, to be under that weight, to walk _____ miles or lose _____ pounds. These are weights that are important to me, for various reasons.

220 pounds. This was the weight I was when I left college the first time, and I'll be lighter than my husband (who is also losing weight, though from stress and not effort!).

199 pounds. Onederland! I don't think I've seen something without a 2 in it show up on the scales since I was in high school.

164 pounds. My BMI would be under 30, thus no longer 'obese'. For me, at least, the BMI isn't the greatest indicator, as I have a very large frame and denser muscles than most women my height. Still, for insurance purposes I know that number would make our seeking an HSA instead of traditional insurance much easier.

150 pounds. I've never been this low as an adult, and it is a NORMAL weight for a woman.

140 pounds. My ultimate goal that I believe is completely obtainable with my frame and life.

135 pounds. This puts me at a BMI of normal/healthy for my height. We'll see.

120 may very well be possible for me, but I would me happily shocked if I could maintain it at a moderate activity levels. While I am short, I am not dainty or delicate in build, so I may very well look "too thin" or not feel strong at this weight. Depending on how I get to 140 and if my body wants to drift lower I will reassess my ultimate goal to whatever my personal ideal weight seems to be, where I both look and feel my best without a constant struggle against the scale.

My goals are not really time-related, as I think that makes me stressed if I don't see the loss I want, that fits my 'schedule'. I'd rather just feel awesome for not gaining or losing a pound or two.

That said, we're planning to go down to Michigan and California for part of December, and I would feel like a princess if I could show all the family rooting for me, a version of myself that was under 200. That's a dream, and very attainable too. That is 37 pounds in five months, which is around 2 pounds per week until we go. Even with a few stalls that I have had I am on track and doing great toward that end.

Onward and downward to my goals! My weekly progress is tracked on the righthand side of the blog :)

Sorry for the blog silence, I have been procrastinating on writing out my eating/lifestyle plan and didn't want to go forward on the blog without it, but because of that I am missing out on all sorts of wonderful progress to report.

So to be short, I am following Dr. Amanda Sainsbury-Salis' "The Don't Go Hungry Diet". Essentially it does away with all the good food/bad food/low-carb/low fat/vegan/pescaterian/blah blah diets and instead focuses on the most basic advice, with solid science behind it. The oversimplified version is that you eat to your physical hunger to satiety, no more or less (this has taught me to eliminate my emotional eating and overeating); eat mostly fruits and vegetables (if 90% of your diet is healthy, whole food then the occasional slice of pizza is perfectly fine); and move 8-12,000 steps each day (30 min of vigorous activity or 60-80 min of light or moderate activity).

That's it. It's the old "eat less, move more" approach with a key difference - Dr. Amanda's research has detected some of the metabolis processes by which the body regulates weight, and found that traditional dieting doesn't allow the body to work to keep itself at a healthy weight. Eating to a "plan" can ignore nutritional deficits, hunger and fullness signals, and makes the chance of rebound weight gain almost assured, because the "diet" is not a permanent change, nor are many sustainable long-term.

She focuses heavily on battling the famine reaction that fells most dieters - that plateau of weight loss, nagging and painful hunger, lethargy, rapid rebound weight gain, etc etc. Dr. Amanda also points out that while your body has a regulatory function to prevent your body from losing too much weight, it also has a system (she calls it the fat break) to help prevent weight gain if the signals are heeded. By eating to your hunger and moving regularly and consistently, you deactivate your famine reaction, don't overeat, and in a healthy, slow, steady and permanent manner you proceed to permanently shed excess weight.

My summary does the book a disservice, it is truly revealing and life-changing stuff, and makes so much sense compared to many other programs. It doesn't feel like a diet, there is no "phase one" or "maintenance" programs, you simply spend the rest of your life enjoying healthy, tasty food and regular activity. As long as you don't ignore your hunger signals and eat a good variety of healthy food, it's pretty darn foolproof.

As a result, I am losing weight with only moderate effort and feeling better than ever. Better than that, I am not eating or behaving in a way that needs modification down the road, even during pregnancy. I am winning this battle, and every pound gone is gone for good.

Now let my stop and try to explain, briefly, how someone who was chronically fat did not go on numerous diets before 22 years old.

I watched my mom do this diet and that diet most of my life. She's always been beautiful and healthy, but her weight has been higher than she'd like since I was in about 3rd grade. We had always eaten reasonably healthy at home and I owe it to her and a few nutrition classes that I have always known the proper way to eat, but suffice to say we ate out no more than once a week and my breakfasts, lunches, and dinners were all quite nutritious. But for one reason or another, probably emotional eating, she was always battling the bulge. So I noticed quite a few diet books and programs around the house, and noticed the results.

She would lose weight, keep it off for a few months or a year or two at a time, then it would creep back on if she got lax with her exercise or eating routine, and she'd embark on redoing the same diet or another one in its place. While I wasn't cogent of it at the time, I was definitely assimilating the fact that most diets work, but only so long as you don't regress into former bad habits.

While I was disappointed with my weight, I was never disappointed enough to try the diet route, as I wasn't willing/able to confront the reasons I was heavy to begin with and change those habits. And since I wasn't going to change the habits, I knew I'd never be able to keep the weight off. I did what I hoped was the sensible thing and just tried to make healthy choices for most of my years.

My worst habits to conquer were and still are:

A) Emotional, bored, or otherwise non-hungry eating

B) Eating too fast

C) Grazing

D) Consistently overeating

E) A very sedentary lifestyle

I have always struggled with consistently eating too much, especially at dinner. My mother also happened to be a splendid cook and food has always been a great pleasure in my life. To put it simply, eating felt good and was TASTY, so I did as much eating as I could without needing to be rolled away from the table.

Grazing developed as a habit in highschool, when I'd be famished after school and snack up until dinner time. It got REALLY bad once I had kids and was feeding them more frequently than I'd feed myself. Not sitting down for proper meals and taking little nibbles here and there with everything I prepared? All those calories added up.

Eating too fast has been another lifelong problem, but it got whipped into high gear, no pun intended, at the second real job I ever had. It was a wonderful all-you-can-eat soup and salad bar, and was a good place to work. It was fast paced, busy, and being around delicious food all day was difficult. What was worse, however, is that the extremely deep employee discount made it a perfect place to eat on lunch breaks. My living situation was a little interesting, and I had no interest in eating at home most of the time. So in my little half hour break I would cram all my day's food, or most of it, into as many plates of delicious and fairly healthy food I could.

Well I could put away enough food for a day in one sitting, but in a *half hour*? That was difficult. So a learned to literally eat as fast as I possibly could, in frantic, quick motions of my fork, stabbing at the salad with all my might. I barely tasted a bite of what I ate, I just inhaled the food so I could be satisfied.

It was a TERRIBLE habit to develop. I wasn't the daintiest, most savory eater anyway, but this was ridiculous. I was literally a human vacuum, consuming vast amounts of calories with no appreciation for the food actually in my mouth. Eating became mechanical, not enjoyable, and I though the high activity of being on my feet running around for four to eight hours a day kept me from ballooning up too quickly, that bad habit far outlived my employment at that salad bar.

Another bad habit I have is emotional/bored/stressed eating. This didn't become bad until I moved in with my dad. I kept a very nocturnal schedule, sleeping until I went to work in the afternoon and then being up all night, and I was lonely, reclusive, and pretty emotionally traumatized from the family issues and personal issues I had endured over the two years prior. I spent a great deal of time online, sometimes with friends and sometimes not, and ate atrociously. The more stressed or upset I was, the more I consumed mindlessly. This habit followed me to college and into my marriage where it was infrequent, but after having children? Food became quite an escape. Nothing too bingy or huge in one sitting, just a lot of eating when food wasn't what I really needed.

The last problem is one that was a bit out of my control for awhile, but persisted far too long. I am sedentary. I wasn't always - I used to be so excited to come home at night, not to eat or watch tv, but strap on my roller blades and cd player and take some 'me' time up and down our street, around our driveway or the sidewalk around our yard. It was therapeutic, and extremely enjoyable. That, plus the sports during the day, walking to and from school, and activities that centered around athletics and movement? I was VERY active. But then I damaged my ankle, and had to have surgery. Suddenly everything else was the same, especially my eating, but I went from moving all the time to not at all. And once I healed from that family drama took over, and I continued to be quite sedentary.

It was so bad, in fact, that six years of my life has been spent moving as little as possible. How sad is that, especially when it used to make me so happy?

I have no excuse now. Yes, my ankles are still weak and yes, I cannot or don't do the same types of activities I used to, but being more active is well within my abilities to do, even with children. And I can't just keep waiting until I am lighter and healthier to move, I need to do it NOW, to get to where I want to be.

But there is good news, at least on the activity front: I buckled down and got moving, and took the kids in tow. It's been very hard, but necessary. So all 240-someodd pounds of me takes the kids out almost every day for a 3 mile trip to the park. I strap the toddler on my back (so I am carrying 30 extra pounds, my poor knees!) and have the infant in the stroller. I go up our hill, which is QUITE a workout even just alone, then trek on down to the beautiful park. We play there for a half hour, walk back and then eat lunch. It's difficult to get the kids ready and out the door each day. It's even harder to not only deal with their weight but keep them content while I drag them down there, but you know what? You choose your hard. I have FINALLY decided, after six years of sedentary behavior, that being obese is harder than being active.

And a funny thing happened... I LIKE it! I miss the days I don't get out, even if I am not loving it along the way, or I am sore or tired, I am enjoying the beautiful scenery and sunshine, and I enjoy feeling like I accomplished something other than a slightly deeper dent in the couch. That habit, at least, needs to be here to stay.

Rain and winter and toughies, I am working on acquiring some home exercise equipment to do workouts when I can't get out or want more than a small walk, but it's a step in the right direction.

I will address how I am solving my food-related bad habits in the next post, and what eating plan I am using that is working so well for me (as well as why some others have not!). Watch this space :)

It's about time I started a weight loss blog, I think. It has been such a blessing to me to follow the journeys of very brave, very honest people around the world as they chronicle their successes with losing weight in a bevy of blogs, so I hope I can pay it forward a bit and maybe my struggles may help someone else.

My name is Taryl, I'm a 23 year old wife and mother of two little girls, and I've been varying shades of fat from adolescence onward. Unlike most fat teens and young adults, I didn't do anything drastic to fix this aside from trying to eat a little better here and there until just about six months ago. The only thing I was more afraid of than not losing any weight was losing it and then gaining it all back. If you don't embark upon a struggle you can't fail at it, right?

Pfft, that served me well. While I am glad I didn't develop a twisted body image or any unhealthy dieting habits, I also gradually came to realize that my unhappiness with my weight was transforming into real, poisonous self loathing and diminishing my quality of life. After the birth of my second daughter I finally confronted the fact that I was severely obese, to the point where I could not be the kind of wife or mother I wanted to be.

That was when I put my foot down and moved toward a real change for the first time in my life. In reflecting, I realized I had spent literally six years of my life reclusive, unhappy, and feeling both unhealthy and unattractive. Even as a chubby teen I still felt sexy and valuable, I voluntarily exercised almost daily, and LOVED it... I got tons of dates, had many good friends, and enjoyed my life despite some family and personal issues. But then I got an injury, and had to stop all the sports and activity I loved. Then I went on medication. Then I gained 30 pounds in 3 months. Then.... well then I was 16, and my life changed pretty drastically. My weight stayed about the same, creeping upwards slowly at that point for the next five years.

During both pregnancies I gained less than ten pounds, my desire to eat was drastically squelched by massive food aversions with the occasional craving thrown in. But once the girls were born I went back to my normal eating habits, and back to gaining weight.

I am not one of those fat girls who binged on everything in sight in secret for years, and wondered why she ballooned up. I didn't eat two large pizzas at a time, NEVER chugged liters of soda or ate whole flats of cookies. No, my weight problems are the result of years of continual overeating of normal, and even healthy foods. Every meal I would eat maybe a serving more than I should, and those calories don't just disappear. While I certainly had my days of polishing off two huge burritos or multiple bubble teas, the weight didn't pile on in a big way until I went away for my second bout at college, up to Alaska. A little less activity, a little more food, pound by pound the scale creeped up.

I don't actually know what I weighed during this time, I had no scale and no regular medical appointments where I needed to be weighed. But my new husband Peter DID have a scale, and I know I was about 245 by the time I was married, at just a few days shy of 20 years old.

It's a massive weight, and I knew I was fat, but I still wasn't motivated to do anything about it. In our first year of marriage my weight went even higher, brushing with 260, and I think the highest number I ever saw on the scale, outside of pregnancy, was 267 pounds. It was brief, and I cut back my eating right away and saw it fall back to around 260, but I was slowly becoming cogent of just how massive I was.

I didn't look too hard at the real effects of my weight - lethargy, hormonal issues, avoiding activities I used to enjoy, avoiding intimacy with my husband... I just shoved the unpleasantness down deep and kept trudging along, lazy, bored, unhappy, and utterly static in my life.

Shortly after my second daughter was born I realized I had been in maternity clothes - with their babydoll tops and elastic belly panels - for two straight years. I had no normal clothes left except a box of stuff from before my first daughter's birth that I *knew* wouldn't fit. I went online and ordered some clothes, and realized that not only was I a size 22, a TIGHT 22, but that I looked unattractive in everything that fit. For the first time in my life I realized I couldn't fake being normal, or fake being cute, or even fake being happy with how I looked. I was massive, and no clothes could hide it.

Of course my family and friends saw my obesity for what it was, even my husband, but out of love for me they did not comment on my weight. But for the first time in my life I saw what everyone else saw. Fat, and more importantly unhealthy... I was miserable and had to change.

That was October 2008. Here are some images from that time and a little before:



At my wedding. I was around 245 pounds, and felt self-conscious and fat the entire time. No bride should have to be ashamed of her wedding pictures, but I see nothing but how huge I was whenever I look at them.

With my husband's grandmother, and aunt when my first daughter was 3 months old. Next to normally sized people I looked massive and bloated, and was probably in the 250-255 range. We're going to see them again this Christmas, and I am SO looking forward to a comparison shot with me at a smaller size :)

This was a dinner at my inlaws' home back in late 2007, I think. This would be me around my heaviest weight, and right before I became pregnant with my second daughter. My mother-in-law is quite svelte, but there is no denying that no mater how beautiful my clothes or makeup, I am morbidly obese.

So that is where I started, but by the grace of God it is NOT where I will finish. As horrible as I look in those pictures, truly and morbidly obese, the only place I am going is down, down, down! It took me a lot of years to get here, it's not going to come off over night, but I am focused on the prize for the first time in my life, and after a few months of trying to lose weight have tinkered around enough with myself to realize that I cannot just do it by reforming my caloric intake or keeping to a 'plan', but by genuinely dealing with the issues that got me fat to begin with, and letting that inward transformation radiate outward.

Thankfully I am now to the point where I LOVE eating healthfully, I feel terrible on the days I don't get in a good amount of exercise, and those tight size 22 pants? I can slip them off myself without even unbuttoning :) My most recent weight loss pictures, stats, and the methods by which I have tried and am currently trying to lose weight will be detailed. Until then!