My cousins were great and took some pictures of the five of us female Davidson-descended cousins together, and I was about 4 weeks pregnant in these. I wish I had thought to take a front-on shot, alone, because I looked GREAT in my dress for that funeral. My grandmother would have probably high-fived me, were she around to do it.

I am the one in the glasses, for those who don't know :)

Now the first thing that struck me about these photos (other than that I really do squint my eyes up terribly when I smile) is that I look NORMAL. I am still heavy, yes, and still over 200 pounds. But I don't instantly look at these pictures and think "I look terrible, oh no! I hate myself!". I don't look like 'the fat chick' next to my cousins. I look like I belong, I don't stand out in any significant way. I look pretty enough, and very typical... I look a little more like some of my cousins than others, but we definitely look related in a spread like this. I just look like Taryl. Not fat Taryl, not young Taryl. Just me, as I am now. I am not looking at a picture of myself and shocked by what I see.

For many years I had a body image that was in discord from what I thought myself to be. In pictures like this, I thought I was fatter than I actually was (I was 160 pounds):

And in images like this one, I was shocked when I saw the picture, because I thought I was THINNER than I was:

So it is really something, to finally look at a picture of myself for the first time in six years and see myself for who I am, not who I believe myself to be.

I'm pretty enough, in an average sort of way.

Still short.

Pasty white due to staying indoors and living in Alaska.

A perpetually cheerful person.

A mom.

A little pregnant.

Lighter than I was.

Heavier than I'd like to be.

Exactly who I am, and absolutely fine.

I have been frustrated at my lack of scale progress since, well, probably Thanksgiving. I have been maintaining a bit unwittingly, fluctuating up and down the same three or four pounds. My measurements have changed a bit (that dress was NOT in a plus size... it was the biggest 'normal' size!) but for the most part I have been a bit stagnant.

But maybe God's plan for me (my weight included) is a little bit wiser than my own machinations for myself, because somehow in the time between being thrilled to reach 210 and annoyed that I was still up at 210, my mind got USED to seeing what was in the mirror. My brain FINALLY saw what everyone else did, nothing more or less, and seeing myself through their eyes (or camera lens) has really given me an appreciation for all that I have accomplished and have yet to accomplish with my body.

I still see squinty eyes, and back fat, and a slight double chin. I still see weight left to lose. But I don't loathe and avoid what I see, I LIKE it. I'm not perfect, and even at my ultimate goal weight I will still be far from an idealized mental picture of myself. But that's okay. Somewhere along this year+ journey to reshape my body, I became comfortable with the person I was created to be. I haven't felt good in my skin in a long, long time (maybe ever?). So I have to celebrate this monumental achievement. I am ME, I LIKE me, and up OR down the scale I am still going to be 'okay'.

It's a good place to start this pregnancy, and I am looking forward to comparing these pictures down post-pregnancy, and watching myself shrink away from them with real joy for the journey I am on :)

Have you made peace with the man or woman in the mirror, lately? I really, really recommend it.