That would be the best description of my weight this week. I'm not even bothering to record a weigh-in, as it has been all over the place thanks to workout water retention (sore muscles, yay!), various eating occasions, and wildly varying levels of nursing and sleep. I was 202 on Monday, 204 yesterday, and 199.8 today. I gained two weeks ago, maintained last week, and have been teetering between losing the excess previously gained and bumping up with the weird weight fluctuations this week. Gah!

The good news is that even with baking plates and plates of junk as I have had to do the past week, I've burned out on the junk without a massive regain. I'm slightly tempted, but not enough to eat it instead of protein. And when I exercise, I tend to stay on my eating better. Maybe it is a subconscious attempt to not sabotage my tangible hard earned work? Who knows, but it works!

I know I need to strength train more, my resistance bands keep staring at me as I get on the bike, but I enjoy light cardio so much! I also burn more calories doing it, even though building muscle mass has greater long term benefits, right now I know I will be more consistent with the bike than the bands. For me, setting up that daily workout habit again is more important, and the calorie leeway I gain from exercising hard with cardio is a good buffer as I am trying to get my willpower muscle (saying no to my inner two year old, who tantrums for junk) back in shape, too.

I'm just doing the best I can. I have said it for over a month, but I am so ready for this weight to be off! For awhile my mind wanted it but not badly enough to take my will captive and discipline myself to sticking to my diet, I just floated around in maintenance. Then I realized I was being complacent, and after that was just in a funk over the whole thing. I'm still in a funk, but it's a different kind. I look in the mirror and am so AWARE of my weight. I feel heavier at 200 than I did 70 pounds heavier, because I wasn't aware of myself. Now I am, and it's amazing how my mind tries to play tricks on me regarding my size. I know I am still slimming down and look fine, but days I go off plan I swear I can see the food hanging off of me! Trying to remember to be kind to myself and not overly critical has been very important this week, but ironically the overcritical side of me is the one that is driving me back to better habits and away from complacency. I look fine, but not how I want to. I feel fine, but not how I know I can. I know I can do better, it's time to do it.

And I've been doing it. The past two days have been solid. Today will be, as well. Heck, its our weekly pizza night and I know it tempts me, so my husband is picking me up a controlled and less caloric dish instead, my favorite sub from Subway. And it sounds JUST as tasty to me as the pizza, but without the ability to go get another piece and a lot less calories for fullness it provides. I'm actively on my way back down the scale, that's important. While I hope I can proceed speedily out of the 190's, at this point I'll just take a solid pound a week loss without complaint.

To finish, despite being a little critical of my appearance lately (knowing I regained two pounds), I'm still darn proud of myself. Three pounds is the maintenance swing I allow myself, on either side of the weight I am at, if I am maintaining. I wasn't trying to maintain, so it was a regain, but I caught myself before I really flew off the rails and am fixing it. I don't consider the regain a failure, I knowingly overate every calorie of it. Given that I ate too much, saw it and corrected it within a week? That's success, in my book. Maybe not as nice as losing more, but in terms of the scheme of my life, knowing how to deal with eating, overeating, and ending up back where I want to be is a hugely important skill. I am really proud of myself for making it back and doing as well as ever, instead of giving up and throwing in the towel or staying willfully ignorant of my eating.

Progress, not perfection.